This is Epth Nation

This is Epth Nation 2.0

2006-10-18T19:45:00.000-07:00

I'm excited about this announcement -- The content of This is Epth Nation is moving! Now, don't worry, all the old posts will still exist at epth.blogspot.com...AND the new server, epthnation.com! However, all the new posts are going to be exclusively at the NEW site. That's the bad news. This post will be here indefinitely to point you to the new site, so don't get your pantaloons in a wad. Just update your bookmarks (or keep coming here and clicking on the link). Some of the new site's features are:

Not going down when Blogger gets denial-of-service attacked!
Better comments, with real moderation!
No *&$#! comment spam or post verfication words!
A better e-mail address -- mike@epthnation.com!
Post Categories! It will probably take me a year to categorize all my old posts! Yay!
A real RSS feed!
A better search function!
An endless array of colorful templates I can search through until I find the right one!
The cache' of going to an actual "epthnation" domain!
Static "Pages" I can use to write messages to you, my loyal readers!
And much, much more!

Remember, that's epthnation.com. You can also type www.epthnation.com and get the same effect. It's awesome! Let me know how you like the new colors, and if I need to change them. I'm not good at those kind of decisions. I need the web equivalent of an interior decorator.

I'm really excited about this, except for the categorizing posts part...

Chris Rock's Mom Sues for Discrimination

2006-10-18T09:40:00.000-07:00

Check this story out: Chris Rock's mom is suing Cracker Barrel Hick Restaurants, Inc., after she and her daughter waited 1/2 hour to be served. Here's the relevant CNN article. It's hard to know which paragraphs to reproduce here, because they're all so much fun. ex)

Cracker Barrel has in the past faced numerous lawsuits and a federal inquiry over complaints of refusing to serve black customers, discriminating against minority workers and firing gay employees. The company has taken steps to rebuild its folksy image and reach out to minorities.

Clearly Cracker Barrel has a problem with discrimination, with it being so "folksy" and all. Is it really still being run by hick farmers? Is it really a place of rampant discrimination? Well, let's see what happened to Rose Rock and her lovely daughter...

Rock, who is from Georgetown, said she and her 21-year-old daughter were the only blacks at the chain's Murrells Inlet restaurant in April. She said when she asked the manager about the delay she was told they could have a free meal.

"He never called over the waitresses and asked, 'Why did these people sit here for a half hour without service?' " she said. "The only thing he said was we could have a free meal and neither of us wanted to eat."

What does this tell us? Rose Rock went into that restaurant looking for racism, and was fortunate enough to find the appearance of it. Her quote seems to suggest she wanted the manager to dress down the waitstaff in front of her, to satisfy her righteous lust for blood. SHE GOT A FREE MEAL, FOR PETE'S SAKE. The manager correctly resolved the problem, as far as I'm concerned. So why does she think she was discriminated against? People fail to get service at restaurants all the time. And by people I mean me. If you don't alert the waitstaff to your presence after about 10 minutes, then that's on you, buddy. This is America. You can demand satisfaction here, and most places will give it to you, even if you're not white.

The problem with the CNN story is the reporter was too busy calling the South Carolina Human Affairs Commission and other unrelated people to get the actual important details, such as:
Was it really a half-hour, or was it a "customer service" half-hour (which is really more like 15 minutes)?
Did numerous waitresses pass her table? If so, did they sneer or scowl at her? Did she sneer or scowl at them?
Does she have a history of not tipping at this restaurant? Did she act all bitchy when she was seated, or did she appear to be a normal customer?
Has this happened to her before at this restaurant? At other restaurants?
Did she make contact with the waitresses at all before going to the manager? Did she look around in the distance, trying to make eye contact with a restaurant employee (which is the universal sign for "we need service here")?
Did the manager apologize? Was his tone harsh? Did he seem uninterested in her plight?
Were any other (white) customers receiving bad service at this time?

Now, it's not all the reporter's fault. Cracker Barrell has probably forbidden any waitresses or the manager from speaking with the press, and at this late date there's no way to find any of the other customers or eyewitnesses to the situation. So it's basically a he-said she-said thing, and the only way the truth will come out is if there's a real investigation or some kind of "deep throat" informant comes forward. Until then, the people that assume racism will say she needs to stand up for her rights, and the people that assume non-racism will shake their heads and wonder why she didn't just take the free meal.

And until Cracker Barrel is renamed to White Person Barrel, this will probably keep happening.

Top 10 Things I Experience at my Job as a Computer Human

2006-10-17T20:34:00.000-07:00

10) Gay porn pop-ups. Yick.

9) "Windows in Spanish" that customers would like switched back to English because some evil Mexicans changed it without their consent. I'm not kidding.

8) Going into a high-rise office building (dealing with getting there, parking, and going up the complicated elevator system), only to find out that the computer is at the customer's house.

7) Walking through 1-foot wide carved-out paths in people's homes to get to their computers, since they have too much junk lying around because of "flooding" three months ago. But it was like that before the flood. Who do they think they're fooling?

6) The utter uselessness of McAffee anything and all Norton products besides Corporate Antivirus. I'm serious here. Zone Alarm, too. They're like a punch to the face, these products.

5) Being shown 100 pictures of a mourning dove a customer nursed back to health. My mother hates mourning doves, and therefore so do I.

4) The evil SpySherriff, who is out to make all computer humans look bad. Can't we find something to defeat him?

3) 1st and 2nd-graders who will click on everything in front of them even after you tell them 5 times not to touch the mouse. And then there's the white kid with the afro who looks stunned by life...you know, that was probably me 28 years ago. Only I had a bowl cut.

2) Driving through Highland Park and University Park and dealing with 3 construction crews on every block, stylish moms crossing streets without looking, numerous lawn-care people with their pickup trucks pulling giant metal cages, school zones, and stop lights every 10 feet. Somebody should scatter these white people. I hear Oak Cliff needs some.

1) People who think they know more than their friendly neighborhood computer human, but don't know anything they haven't read online, and we all know how accurate that is...wait...er...DUNK ON THEM!

Another Test in Ubuntu

2006-10-16T19:31:00.000-07:00

Let's go back to geeky things, since my beloved wife deemed the last post the "gayest post ever." She clearly knows nothing of the ways of love.

I'm using the Ubuntu (there's that word again) "post blog entry" program, which supposedly can post via the blogger API. That would be pretty awesome, except the only buttons I have to format text are bold, italics, and add link.

I really don't use much more than that. Maybe I should start. It would clearly make me a better blogger.

I suppose I should have mentioned that this was only a test before I started rambling. Well, the italics work...

Skimming the Top of Interesting Waters

2006-10-16T06:33:00.000-07:00

Take a look at this count-pointercount in Forbes magazine, where a nice guy named Michael Noer gathers a bit of sociological data, organizes it, and uses it to advance the conclusion that mean who marry "career women" are unhappier than those who marry..."non-career women," I guess. I hope he has his flame-retardant suit on, because those career women can type (or have someone type for them), and they aren't happy. In fact, they wouldn't let Mr. Noer even post his article without a poorly thought out response right next to it that doesn't even address his main point. Elisabeth Corcoran starts out by attacking men who are stupid, and blaming them for the foibles of career women. Her message seems to be "Become better men, and then career women won't be unhappy with their lot in life or blame you for not making enough money or cheat on you with some high-toned lawyer with slicked-back hair and a $1,000 suit." Can you see how this doesn't really help?

So she's dumb, but he is too...what he's trying to do is pretty awful, getting men who are dating successful women to think twice about marrying them (and getting men who are married to them to feel resentful, for that matter). The unfortunate message of his piece is that career women have something inside them that makes them worse wives. He then backs up his message with "scientific" data. That's the problem with social science -- there's no accounting for the individual woman, or the personality change.

I'd like to make the obvious point that each individual marriage is unique, and doesn't necessarily conform to the sociological data. In fact, if you are deciding whom to marry on the basis of sociological data, you deserve to get divorced. Whatever happened to falling in love and then committing yourself to that person? Is that no longer a good idea? I know we all get caught up in having the best possible life at all times, but is there no room for real Marriage anymore?

The sad fact is that she makes a lot more sense than he does, especially when she talks about how marriages work because of sharing and sacrifice and all sorts of other values we were supposedly learning in preschool. Marriage is a big step, but it's a step that has to be made in the dark, and with a willing heart. It's scary, but it's supposed to be. Find a woman you love, and then...

Wait. Is the problem that most men today are incapable of true love? Hmm.

I Might Just be Free

2006-10-14T07:35:00.000-07:00

So here's the thing about Google Docs -- There's no way I would type anything sensitive or personal or even important on here, because of the vast network of Google bots (presumably) spying on everything. I mean, that's the only way they can make money on this cool stuff, right? Like I said, getting away from Microsoft has its price, and that price is currently an alliance with Google -- the company that's keeping a record of ip addresses and search terms "for a rainy day." Is this a battle of evil empires? I don't know.

All I do know is I now really don't need Microsoft for personal use anymore. (Business use? That's another story. I like my Blackberry that syncs up with my Exchange server, thank you very much. Not that it's my decision anyway). I reinstalled Ubuntu 6.06 on my laptop, and am using it right now to blog this. I cut-and-pasted that first paragraph from Google Docs, just to prove that I could. What do I need Word for? I can type my stories and witty internal banter in Docs, then save them to a proper format or post them on here. Unless Microsoft's going to be giving Word away for free, I don't really need it. And no, I don't think I'll miss Wingdings.

Ubuntu 6.06 has improved greatly over 5.10 in terms of ease-of-migration and ease-of-use. First of all, there's now something called EasyUbuntu, which automates a lot of the step-by-step acquisition of formats and multimedia programs. In two hours (although I had done it before and therefore had a pretty good idea of what to do) I was able to get Ubuntu to play Quicktime, Flash, WMV files, Realplayer files, standard MPGs, DivX/Xvid, DVD's, ITunes AAC files, and just about anything else I wanted it to. The point is, aside from the visual differences in the windows themselves, it looks and feel almost exactly like a WinXP machine. And it doesn't have the problems -- the viruses, the spyware, the start-up nonsense, the fricking Norton and McAffee slow-down conspiracy*, the Language Bar, the popups declaring your "system is at risk" because it thinks you need 10 software firewalls installed behind your router, etc. Plus, there's the beautiful "buttloads of free software" to install and try out, and the satisfaction of knowing that whatever ridiculous DRM or Activation Crapola Windows Vista rolls out there will not affect you in the least. You'll actually be able to use your computer for what you want without having to deal with the restrictions somebody in a big office thinks you should have. And remember, Ubuntu is free! You're paying for those restrictions Microsoft gives you. But hey, wingdings, right?

There are still problems with Linux, though -- wireless networking is an absolute beast, Windows Media licensed stuff (i.e., that you have to install a little "key" on your system to use) doesn't work, Open Office is still cumbersome and tortoise-like, free image-editing software for Linux is most certainly Not Photoimpact, and the best Linux GUI (KDE) is still virtually unusable for me because there's just something I'm not getting.

But by-and-large when I plug something in, the right thing happens. Could this be the time to switch? Should I write an "idiot's guide to Ubuntu" or something like that? Is my wife going to divorce me for being so nerdy?

One last note: I'm currently streaming my favorite radio station over the internet on Ubuntu. This puts the "fun" in functional. I can barely believe it.

*Since I have become a full-on computer tech, I now hate McAffee and Norton consumer-level products(Norton Corporate is better, but still takes up a bunch of resources). In fact, in my company we won't even do a computer service related to networking without uninstalling Norton SystemWorks or McAffee SystemCrap first.

The Onion Sports Section is Out of Control

2006-10-12T21:10:00.000-07:00

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53985

It's especially funny because I live in Dallas.

Gmail -- Elite E-Mail for the Masses

2006-10-12T09:03:00.000-07:00

In the interest of full disclosure, I will tell you that I now have a G-mail account. That's right, I now allow advertisers to spy on the content of my e-mails and target ads at me accordingly. I'm so reverse naive right now I could reverse die. And this after all I've said about G-mail and the slippery slope it represents and how I want at least something in my life to be ad-free. You might think this makes me a loser, but I'm a loser for other reasons.

I got G-mail to test it out. My address: epthnation@gmail.com. Now, I'm still not using it as a real e-mail address, because I'm not stupid. But I thought it would be fun to test out their new "cheap as free office" package, because I'm a nerd like that. If you do e-mail me, these are the words you're not allowed to use: terrorism, muslimism, dysfunction, steroids, Barbara Streisand. I'll let you know of any more banned words as I think of them.

Just launched: The beta docs.google.com, which features the "Writely" web word processor and Google Spreadsheets. For those of you keeping score at home, this means they now have a free competitor to Word, Excel, and Outlook. Microsoft has continually crushed free competition in the past with legal antitrust behavior (and the sad fact that most free office packages aren't well-advertised or any good), but this Google stuff is different. If it's relatively powerful and easy to use, I think young people like me (er...) might go for it. And that will cut into Microsoft's home market share.

Of course, real businesses will still want to use the highly-priced stuff, so Bill Gates probably isn't panicking yet. His Office package still sets the format standards for documents and spreadsheets, so MS Office will continue to generate licensing revenue, too. This is probably good, since it gives the average user something to hang his/her hat on. Standards are good, and easy, and these even happen to be functional.

As for Google's stuff, I (so far) like the calendar because it's a) Apple-level simplistic, and b) I can reach it from anywhere that has internet access. It's also share-able by multiple Google users, which I don't care about since I have no friends.

Writely also allows for collaboration on documents, which is pretty cool and probably has a bunch of elegant uses I can't think of right now. It's also simple (if you're familiar with Word, that is), and allows one to save one's documents in a variety of fun formats including .doc and .pdf. In that way, it's got a place in this world. Michael W. Smith must be so proud.

The NBA Fires Back

2006-10-11T06:25:00.000-07:00

Remember two days ago when my cynicism took hold of me and I questioned the NBA Refs? Well, the NBA has decided to punish whiners on the court this year, and I take that decision as a direct shot at me. Well, if Rasheed can think it's all about him, I'm allowed to think it's all about me, right? Luckily, I can't be fined by them for my constitutionally protected speech. Here's the story, from the giant sports shill espn.go.com:

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=2620756

I don't know how I feel about this. On the one hand, whining is a huge problem in the NBA. Every time a foul -- any foul -- is called, the offending player and usually several others on his team are rolling their eyes, throwing their hands up in disgust, shaking their heads, and in general acting like my 1st-graders in computer class when I tell them not to click on anything yet. This puts off most (non-whiny) fans and is generally bad for business. I can totally see why they want to police it better.

However, in the light of the Finals Debacle of 2006, the last thing the NBA needs is more ref-protection. Coaches and players already get fines for talking about the refs after the game; what this new rule does is effectively shut out every public means of expressing dissatisfaction that players and coaches have, from the time a foul is called until the end of time. This means that the NBA office thinks it should be the sole judge of referees, and that questioning them on this is not acceptable. Does that sound like the best course of action in a post-Salvatore world?

To put it bluntly, we need more public criticism of refs from people who know what's up, i.e., players and coaches. Normally, I would be against this, but the NBA has become a special case and cannot be trusted to fix referee problems. It's the classic case of "Who's policing the police?" Is squashing dissent ever a good idea in America? Isn't this league the one that's supposed to be "fan-tastic"? Yes, we don't like whiners -- but we also don't like refs deciding games.

This isn't over, NBA.

The rule has one positive, though: we'll be treated to the delicate dance of Rasheed Wallace trying to find a way to express displeasure without doing anything the refs can see.
I really can't wait.

Review: The Last 23 Minutes of Last Night's Studio 60

2006-10-10T14:03:00.000-07:00

After seeing 23 whole minutes (minus commercials) of the critically acclaimed new series Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, I'm ready to pronounce judgement: meh. It's ok, but it has the same problem shows like Gilmour Girls have: all the characters are too clever (and talk too fast) to exist in real life. This is good for ratings, but it does nothing for me. I can't invest emotionally in these people, because they're not like the rest of us. I don't know people like this, and if I did, I wouldn't like them because they're too pithy all the time.

So the question remains out there like a bug in a steel sheath that cannot be zapped -- why do people continue to enjoy not just Studio 60, but all "too-clever" TV dramas? You've got House, CSI 1-3, L&O 1-4, Grey's Fricking Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, and even my beloved LOST dominating the ratings these days. Comedy is dead, and dramady is standing above it smoking gun in hand. I blame Ally McBeal. Do you realize that crap won an Emmy for Best Comedy? And now its progeny are all over the place, usually helmed by Aaron Sorkin. Funny has been replaced by cute.

Don't get me wrong -- I'm not saying a show like Studio 60 is horrible (especially compared with shows like, oh, Matt Houston from the 80's), I'm just saying it's got cutesy pink barriers to entry I just can't get past. On top of that, the show hates Christians, and by extension, me. So why would I want to watch that?

Last night the end of the show centered on a plagiarized joke that wound up making it into the show-within-a-show's fake SNL-style newscast. That sentence did make sense. Oh, and btw -- Studio 60 isn't a fictional SNL since SNL exists in its universe (as Amelie Gillette has pointed out so brilliantly many times on The Hater), which is probably why NBC allows it to exist on its network. Anyhoo, this plagiarism threw the whole network into a tizzy, and the show definitely had that ER-style "a bunch of hectic crazy crap is going down at once, but after tonight we're never going to talk about it again because the same thing happens every week" vibe going on. Matthew Perry eventually fixed it with a little help from bad acting Amanda Peet and the fact that it turned out to not be plagiarism after all. It left me a little disappointed, actually. I wanted to see that bald guy from Sex and the City or that other guy from She Spies get canned. In fact, I'm not going to watch this again without knowing that somebody's going to be fired from the show.

Now that's realism.

The Beginning of Basketball

2006-10-09T14:02:00.000-07:00

Even though my NBA fandom is still pretty up-in-the-air after my realization that the refs pretty much decide who wins NBA championships, I am still slightly excited for basketball to begin. First, the good news: The Bucks went back to red and green! (picture to come, because I can't get blogger to post it right now -- grr). Trust me, this is a great move with potential championship implications, provided we don't face a team the NBA wants to win. Urrgh. I guess I'm still having problems with last year. But that's another topic for another day.

Guess what? Andrew Bogut, the Great Australio-Serbian Hope, is out 6-8 weeks after colliding his legs with the fleebiest player in the NBA, Steve Blake. This is a terrible sign.

Seriously, though -- Bennett Salvatore is still in the league? After the job he did in the finals last year? This is the kind of thing that makes one think the NBA is actually crooked, and corrupt, and totally rigged. If I did the equivalent of what Mr. Salvatore did at my job, I'd be fired. He willingly ignored all common sense and reason and called a foul he couldn't have possibly seen, and didn't exist. This probably cost the Mavericks the critical game 5 of that series. He should be gone because he's horrible. This should be a slam-dunk PR move, really. Don't they have PR in the NBA? Or are refs like college professors, with tenure and laws protecting them from removal? Why is he still an NBA ref? Don't they know that their integrity is at stake here? Are those morons right when they say that the NBA is no better than the WWE?

I don't know if I can sit through another NBA season and pretend that it means something. I may not be able to do it anymore. Sports needs integrity. Without integrity, sports results mean nothing. Think about that when Barry Bonds, Jason Roidambi, and Bennett Salvatore beat the rap.

A New Era Will Dawn...

2006-10-09T09:28:00.000-07:00

...for This is Epth Nation.

I know I haven't updated in a while, but that's because something big is coming. In the meantime, I promise right now to post 6 days a week from now on, at least until I take a vacation in place that doesn't have a real computer.

That's 6 days a week.

I may have to get up earlier, and I may have a few more typos and/or incomplete thoughts, but dangit, this has to be done.

Preview: I'm working with a real live Irishman at Pizza Hut.

Antepenultimate Night at the Papa -- Edited Version

2006-10-01T17:11:00.000-07:00

Since I have this blackberry and two working, opposable thumbs, I figured it would be a good idea to keep a running diary of this, my last Sunday ever at Papa John's. No, I'm not sad, except possibly when thinking about the time this place took from me. Dirty Scum.

-- Louis, one of the other drivers, took a double going in opposite directions. Needless to say, aaargh. No manager stopped him. I'm through with this war, and I have lost. I'm going back to Irving with my tail between my legs.

-- A crazy carryout customer just came in and complained that we're "getting skimpy" because we only give one (1) pepperocini out with our pizzas. Yeah, that changed two years ago, lady. Plus, you don't know where those pepperocinis have been. We found a cig butt in a sealed pepperocini bag once. Be careful what you wish for, is what I'm sayin'.

-- I just delivered a small pizza that a dude paid 18 bucks for, with tax and tip. The recession must be over. Either that, or this guy's dumb. The pizza was a works with anchovies. There's gotta be a better way to order that.

-- One of the houses I delivered to was drenched in Halloween crap. It's October 1st. And yes, this makes me want to T.O. Owens myself, thanks for asking. Is there a Halloween season now? Nothing like spending the entire month of October thinking about how cool it is to be evil.

-- The moon is quite cute tonight, illuminating the wispy clouds in front of it with a diffused glow. Richardson's really quite pretty for a Texas town, and I'll miss a couple of the parks. Everything else I'm glad to be leaving, though. Bor-ing.

-- I'm now going to Mccallum Blvd., which brings to mind the great hailstorm of 2003 and my riding it out on that apartment-filled street. I got out of my car and sat on some covered stairs as sheets of icy golf balls pelted everything around me. The thing I remember most is the terrible sound of the hail on the sheet-metal that covered the carports. It was unearthly loud. Anyway, after that day I never viewed hail the same way. It's like God's death snow. Appropriate for Halloween, no?

-- I'd like to take this opportunity to curse local radio station KTCK and their "Hardline" program for talking so much about the erotocomedic maneuver known as "the motorboat"* this week. Certain situations (like one I was just in) bring it to mind, and I can't imagine anything more fruitless to think about than that.

-- Sign on a door of a ghetto apartment:

PLEASE TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF BEFORE COMING IN HERE. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, KNOCK.(?) IF YOU HAVE DIRTY SOCKS, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A PERSONAL PROBLEM. I'M TIRED OF CLEANING UP AFTER YOUR SHOE PRINTS.

-- One of the cooks brought his dogs in tonight. They were cute but big and rambunctious. That's all I got.

Happy Sunday, and rock on Chicago.

* For those of you who don't know what "the motorboat" is, I'll try to explain it as tactfully as possible: You put your face in some cleavage and make a motorboat noise with your lips. I'll let you figure out why I happened to be thinking about it.

I'm Such a Rebel...

2006-10-01T13:34:00.000-07:00

If eyeballs traveled over TCP/IP, you'd be looking at a man who is simultaneously employed at both Papa John's and Pizza Hut. Of course, I'm not really still employed at the Papa...I'm just playing out the string because I'm a nice guy and I wanted to give them at least 4 days' notice. I feel I owe them that for all the stories they've provided over the years, even though they systematically shrunk the amount of money I was able to make there and only kept me at $5.25 an hour because it's against the law to pay less. Maybe I didn't owe them that, on second thought.
I'm just staying until Tuesday because Man Bob Bill will be there, and if he gets out of line, WHAP!

Good things about the Pizza Hut I work for:

NO cartoppers. I feel like flying when I think about this, it makes me so high.

Twice as many orders as my Papa outlet.

Lots o' money.

No ghettoized apartment complexes.

The automatic dishwasher that goes WHOOSH!

The drivers, who aren't necessarily stupid.

The fact that the managers dispatch everything, meaning scuzzbags can't take extra deliveries they shouldn't.

The fact that they cash out after every run, which makes leaving at night a snap.

Did I mention the dishwasher? WHOOSH! No more of that unhealthy three-sink crap!

Wayyy less phone calls due to the Pizza Hut Answering Service, which the managers all hate but it keeps me from having to answer the phone.

One or two words: Rockerknife.

Elevator Action

2006-09-29T19:39:00.000-07:00

In my new job I get to ride a lot of elevators. Most of them are old and boring, but many new buildings, especially high-rises, have luxurious elevators designed to get riders to ooh and ahh at the shiny features. These new features look cool now, but in a few years they'll be as dated as Windows ME.

For example, last night I rode an elevator in a tall older building. The elevator had a voice in it that asked, "Going up?" when you got in it to go up. It then gruffly stated, "Going down" at you if you had the audacity to want to travel in a downwards direction. I don't know why it was so nice on one trip and so mean on the other. Maybe it had a split Genuine People Personality. Anyway, it must have seemed super-cool and almost futuristic 20 years ago, but now it's just unintentionally funny. The voice was so highly digitized it reminded me of those 80's video games like Gauntlet and Karate Champ. I kept waiting for it to say, "Shots do not hurt other players (long pause) yet."

The other day I rode one with a 15-inch screen right above the door. But as my co-worker pointed out to me, the only useful thing the screen shows is the current weather. The rest is advertisements for things that rich people would be interested in like designer drugs and investment portfolios. It's nothing but sensory assault, just like all new technology is these days. The current weather didn't even benefit us, since we had just come in from outside. That screen was just there to generate revenue and look cool. I guess it doesn't really pay to have an episode of Seinfeld playing for a 10-second elevator ride. Worthless.

Another elevator I ride has glass on either side that appears straight but is actually slightly curved, causing an infinite reflection stretching upward until you get really tiny and disappear into the ceiling. It's fun. This elevator has no screen or advertisements of any kind. I wholeheartedly endorse it, if you can find it.

Some buildings are so tall and pretentious that you have different elevators based on which floor you're going to. There's nothing more fun than getting on an elevator and trying to find button #6 when the buttons go from 21-30 while some guy in a tie scowls perplexedly at you. This should be outlawed. How hard is it to just build a building without making it unnecessarily hard on first-time visitors? Aren't these things taken into consideration? Are most architects just bored and looking for any way to trick a building up?

Elevators. They take you up, but they also let you down.

EPTH Official Notice

2006-09-28T19:31:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving Papa John's for the greener, greasier, and closer pastures of Pizza Hut. It's about 13 miles closer to where I live, so it had to happen sooner or later. My particular instance of the Papa had become allergic to business anyway. It will also be nice to not have Cowboys owner Jer-bear Jones as a de facto boss. And I won't ever see underwear guy again, except possibly in heaven.

I got the special edition DVD of Eraserhead from Netflix, and am currently marching through it at a snail's pace. It's awesome, though. There's also a totally nerdy feature-length interview with David Lynch, where his head just sits and smokes and talks about the crazy process of filming the creep-fest. He didn't say how he got the baby to move, though.

Can you believe he lived on that set, in Henry's room? Talk about conserving resources. I wonder if he kept that baby puppet in there with him.

I've gotten to the point where I'm just rambling, so I'll stop. It was great to see you again, really it was. We'll have to talk again sometime, under less evil circumstances.

Things I still can't wrap my head around: That FOX cancelled the funniest show on TV (Arrested Development), and the Ray Allen trade. These things scare me more than that baby-thing or that chipmunk chick in thr radiator. What kind of world do we live in?

Fun fact: Eraserhead was inspired by Lynch's time in Philadelphia. Maybe that's what happened to T.O. Owens. Maybe Philly Eraserheaded him into submission, driving him mad. It's as good a guess as any, holmes.

Stay surly.

T.O. Owens: Order of Events.

2006-09-27T11:49:00.000-07:00

Media forces are converged on Irving, TX yesterday to deal with the aftermath of the T.O. suicide attempt/pill confusion story from last night. As far as I can tell from listening to the "all T.O. Owens all the time" coverage on every radio station, here's the story as it unfolded:

1) Sometime last night (8 or 9) a 911 call was placed from the condo of Mr. Owens (or "The Player," as Dallas Cowboys Coach Bill Parcells calls him). The player was later taken to the hospital, where he remained overnight.

2) Rumors flew that he was having his stomach pumped.

3) Early this morning the police report of the incident was leaked to Channel 8 here in Dallas. The report said that a) Mr. Owens ingested a lot of pills, b) Ms. Etheridge tried to fish a couple out of his mouth, since she believed he had ingested up to 35 of them, c) She told police that T.O. Owens was depressed, d) The police asked him if he had taken all the pills and if he "intended to harm himself,"and his answer to both questions was "yes." e) He was taken to the hospital for a drug overdose.

4) The Police held a news conference where some mean Lieutenant got up there and said "There was no criminal act committed and our investigation is over. If you want the 9-11 tape, you know where to get it. I can't say any more because this is a medical issue, not a legal one. Don't ask me any questions." Then he proceeded to answer a few questions.

5) Rumors flew that T.O. Owens was released on his own Escalade recogniscence, and was headed to his condo, where there would be a news conference.

6) T.O. arrived at the condo, along with: tons of media members, Drew Rosenhaus (T.O. Owens' agent), and former Dallas Cowboys/current Owens and Terry Hornbuckle "defense attorneys" Mike Irvin and Deion Sanders. A news conference was scheduled, then cancelled.

7) Owens, the press, Rosenhaus, Irvin, Sanders, and Ms. Etheridge all go to Valley Ranch, where the Dallas Cowboys offices are. There are rumors, probably true ones, that the Cowboys stepped in and forced T.O. Owens to hold the conference there instead of his driveway. If there was going to be a circus, they wanted to wear clown make-up with him.

8) Cowboys coach Bill Parcells gets mad at his early afternoon news conference when every question is about The Player. He storms off, claiming that "You guys probably know more than me." What a jack-butt, eh?

9) Drew Bledsoe addresses the whole Cowboys team behind closed doors. Nobody knows what was said, but immediately after that address he joined "The Ticket" radio station in Dallas for a little interview. In this interview, he stated that T.O. Owens went to the hospital because of a reaction he had to the combination of a pain killer and a "natural supplement." He gets kinda cynical about it, as if rumors of suicide attempts just come with the territory when you're T.O. Owens.

10) The Player holds his news conference, where he: a) Thanks God for keeping him healthy, b) Apologizes to God and the Cowboys for having an allergic reaction and going to the hospital, c) He didn't take 35 pills, d) He didn't have his stomach pumped. e) You silly police and media, and f) He mixed supplements and pain pills, got groggy, and doesn't remember answering any police questions about harming himself. Dude crazy.

11) A dissheveled Ms. Etheridge speaks next and says she never told the police he was depressed, she just saw the empty pill bottle and a drugged-up T.O. and panicked. That's why she called 911. Also, she wasn't able to recall fishing 2 pills out of his mouth. Even better, she said he has "25 million reasons to live." Nothing like a publicist scoreboarding us for her client.

12) The dust settles, and nobody knows quite what to make of it.

Really Really Super Quick Hits

2006-09-21T19:26:00.000-07:00

I've never seen two people less comfortable in their own faces than Greta Van Susternenenen and Bill "Feel Your Pain" Clinton. Bill's talking about the whole Pope thing right now..."I don't approve of what His Holiness said..." Parsing that single sentence would make my brain fold in on itself. If he's holy, how can you not approve of what he said? This guy was a Rhodes scholar?

The Pope can't apologize -- he's infallible (according to Catholicism, that is). Don't the Muslims know that? I especially like it when people say things like, "The Pope shouldn't be inflaming religious tensions, and if he doesn't step down you will all be sorry." It's so...Schwarzenegger movie.

Speaking of the world, did you guys know that the crazy Palestinian Hamas government pretty much decided to recognize Israel as having a right to exist? To, like, negotiate with and stuff? At least that's what I hear. Looks like those sanctions worked. Probably won't stop the car- and other-kinds-of-bombs, though.

A couple of nights ago I delivered a 10 pizza order to UTD, the ultra-rich and poorly-named University in Richardson. The lady who signed the slip tipped me three bucks, then crossed out "tip" on the charge slip and wrote "delivery" right next to it in her old-woman scrawl. What does that mean? She didn't want to tip me but felt she had to give me money? Was that an insult? Yes, it was a delivery, but why did you cross out "tip" and then give me a tip? And is 3 dollars really enough to give a guy who delivered you 10 pizzas at 12 bucks a pop? That's 2.5%, by my estimation. On second thought, you were right -- that's not a tip at all. That's a delivery, and nothing else.

Yeah, so gas prices, eh? Thanks to all the hurricanes out there for not hitting us, and to Israel for backing out of Lebanon, and to Alaska for getting their pipe together, and to America for not buying the gas-guzzling products of Ford.

Both volumes of Kill Bill are on cable TV tonight. I just watched the Umabomber kill like 80 asians. I can't believe they're showing this on TV. There's blood and limbs everywhere.

Actual lead story on Channel 8 (ABC) local news: What's Going Around -- What sickness has your kids coughing? It better be cholera.

"Fossil Hunters" have found what they're calling the "oldest baby." She apparently walked upright but also swung from trees over 3 million years ago. Wow -- just like me! Probably, that is. There's always the probably. I'm assuming they have a good reason to make all these statements. What they've found is a skull...they're claiming this animal walked upright. In any case, it's an interesting case in what science is doing and what conclusions they're jumping to. Go science!

I had a dream the other night that my dog could exist in several different places at once. She also had a human form she could turn into, an Indian boy. When I asked him/her if he/she could talk to dogs, he/she shrugged his/her shoulders. I don't know what this means.

Also on the news: Starbucks prices are rising! Geez, I know Starbucks is ubiquitous, but come on. This is news? Oh my gosh -- it's going up a nickel! Papa John's goes up that much every three days and doesn't tell anyone!

Caught the end of Survivor: Racism Island tonight. Saying anything more would get me in trouble, so I'll run something past legal and maybe post it tomorrow. Such is life in 2006. Hey, don't blame me, you were the one born in this day and age.

Good night.

Unbelieveable Level of Sorriness

2006-09-20T05:54:00.000-07:00

(Don't let those freckles fool you -- Her new recipe is keeping the Mexican down)

Found in this post on the increasingly essential (to those of us who live in Dallas, that is) Dallas Observer Unfair Park Blog. It seems that 75 to 95 Mexican workers at the stupid Cafe' Express here in Dallas were told that if they worked there for 5 years, they would be US Citizens after that. This is sorry for the following reasons:

1) Cafe Express told them a Houston Law Firm had filed the paperwork for their US citizenship.

2) The law firm filed the paperwork late, and every single request was rejected.

3) Cafe' Express and the law firm knew this, but didn't tell the Mexicans. For five years.

4) Cafe' Express sent them letters implying that he paperwork had been filed and the plan was on schedule.

5) Cafe' Express threatened them, saying that if they quit working there, their immigration papers would be thrown out.

6) Cafe' Express took $25 out of each one of their paychecks to cover the cost of the immigration process. For five years.

Now the 75 to 95 Mexicans have filed a lawsuit against these evil people, risking deportation. They already have a 10-year wait to get back into the immigration program. I hope Cafe' Express and their parent company, Wendy's, is made to pay for their crimes. The worst part? Cafe' Express started this evil plan while Dave Thomas was still alive. I don't think the real Wendy would have approved, do you?

The Way You Make Me Feel

2006-09-19T17:57:00.000-07:00

When I started this blog, I had no idea it would become such a high priority in my mind. Right now, it feels like I'm totally failing at it, and that's totally gnawing at me. Here are the things I've promised (myself) but not delivered:
Even Dwarves Started Small recap
NFL Football thoughts (I did no preview this year.)
Holy crap State of the Bucks address (now with the original colors!)
How refereeing is bringing me to a state of crisis w/r/t sports.
Popes vs. Muslims
An object lesson in why I don't talk about homosexuality or gay marriage.
Papa John's "eastasia-eurasia" relationship with customer service and labor costs.
My impending departure from Papa John's
Two words: Fantasy football.
More things every Dallasite must do.
Time Warner and how their merger with Comcast is jammin' me.
Countless comments on countless reality TV shows.
How the great radio station KTCK in Dallas is in real danger of losing what makes it special.
On Microcenter. (Or is it Micro Center? I don't know anymore...)

The 20 people who check this thing are being gypped, and my fear is that I've already lost all the gains I was making over the past year. Here's the problem: I have no time to do this properly. I don't even have time to do it improperly. Part of my bit is that I write about stuff nobody is interested in -- it's why I turn a review of a Sufjan Stevens concert into a manifesto on his Christianity, and it's also why I can't become a real blogger with a national following and a stretch humvee. I can't turn this blog into solely a promotional tool, can I? I wouldn't, don't worry. But what will become of me?

For Pete's sake, I'm writing this in my car in between deliveries on a slow night. Does that sound healthy to you? Is this what Papa John had in mind when he started this company?

If it sounds like I'm complaining, you have good ears. I have so much to write, and not just here; Can you wait for the good stuff? Can I afford to wait to deliver it? Should I stay up until 3am, rambling drunkenly on the state of the Big Ten? Will I get the dreaded "Blackberry thumb"?

Just stay tuned, will ya?

Meet Kyle Coleman

2006-09-18T20:31:00.000-07:00

Tonight's tipping test will be taken by Mr. Coleman, who decided to live in the furthest corner of our delivery area and order a pizza at 10pm. Not only that, he also put a 0 dollar tip on his credit card. Is he intending to give me any cash? I intend to find out!

(Scroll down for result)

You're not going to believe this, but Kyle Coleman is actually a girl. More specifically, she is a girl who just tipped me 3 bucks. It looked bad for a minute there as Mr/Mrs Coleman signed the slip with no cash in sight. But she told me to wait a second and 3 bucks materialized in my greedy hands, thus making this delivery marginally worth it. Thanks, Coleman.

Also, the 9-0 football score I saw on TV assures me of a 2-0 week in fantasy football, that is unless Hines Ward had like 500 receiving yards.

All things go, eh?

Sky on Fire

2006-09-16T17:54:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to let you know that there's a post-apocalyptic color to the Western sky right now, all pink peeking through blue-gray clouds. It looks like a fire that has been left burning a long time. Maybe we'll get some fire from On High tonight! Or something from On High. Something fierce.

Carry on.

Sufjan Stevens in Concert with Giant Wings

2006-09-16T11:25:00.000-07:00

Who: Sufjan Stevens (w/ band)

Where: Lakewood Theater, Dallas, TX, USA

When: Wed, Sept. 13

1. PRELIMINARY DISCUSSION OF THE ARTIST, FOCUSING ON HIS UNLIKELY POPULARITY.

I know music is supposed to be a matter of subjective taste, but I just can’t imagine how anyone could dislike Sufjan Stevens. He’s wholly unique in the world of music (don’t think so? I’ll explain why in a sec…), he’s almost criminally talented, he melds genres like a Vulcan melds minds, he’s unassuming, his songs are beautiful and amazing, and he has the stated goal of making an album for each U.S. state. How could you not like that?

To put it another way: Unless you’re one of those people who absolutely only listens to a particular genre of music (in which case you probably don’t know what “genre” means, but will gladly put a boot (country), cap (rap), or kitana (death metal) in my a__ if I point that out), you have no excuse for not liking Sufjan. Even if you can’t stand “indie” rock, which Sufjan barely even qualifies as anyway, you can at least recognize the man’s talent. He plays semi-orchestral indie pop-rock with heavy use of a banjo. And it’s awesome. The only band I can think of that’s doing anywhere near what he does right now is the Polyphonic Spree, but they’re far more trippy and creepy. Well, ok, at least more trippy.

But music isn’t the thing that makes Mr. Stevens “wholly unique,” as I asserted 2 paragraphs ago. His lyrics are the wholly unique thing, and I don’t just mean the “basing an album around a state” thing, or the fact that he makes concept albums. Both of those things have been done before and will be done again[1]. What Sufjan does with his lyrics constantly amazes me. First of all, nearly every song of his relates to a Christian theme in some way, no matter what event or place it’s about. And this Christian theme is Out There for all to see, but non- and even anti-Christian fans don’t seem to notice or mind. It’s almost like his songs are coded, or coated, in a sad story or clever conceit, and only those with “ears to hear” can decode or decoat them to find the meaning. Take, for example, the song “Chicago,” off the Illinois album. It’s arguably the most popular song off his most popular album, and its lyrics start out as a story:

I fell in love again
all things go, all things go
drove to Chicago
all things know, all things know
we sold our clothes to the state
I don't mind, I don't mind
I made a lot of mistakes
in my mind, in my mind

He immediately sucks you in with the plight of a poor young man (or boy?) driving to the big city of Chicago. But what’s this “I made a lot of mistakes” part? Typical indie navel-gazing regret? Nope. Check it out:

(chorus)

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
all things know, all things know
you had to find it
all things go, all things go

Now, is he talking about the city of Chicago or something else? Or something Else? Is this song even about Chicago at all? Well, maybe the “go” part of Chicago. But the next verse is about a totally different city:

I drove to New York
in the van, with my friend
we slept in parking lots
I don't mind, I don't mind
I was in love with the place
in my mind, in my mind
I made a lot of mistakes
in my mind, in my mind

Same thing, different city. Mr. Stevens keeps presenting these romanticized versions of poor trips to big cities, then torpedoing them with “I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my mind.” Let’s look at that chorus again:

you came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
all things know, all things know
you had to find it
all things go, all things go

Trust me – on at least one level, he’s talking about Jesus. I’d provide the relevant Bible verses, but suffice it to say that Jesus coming to “take us, recreate us, and finding our mindset and changing it” it entirely and beautifully Biblical. It’s just coded and coated in the story and the catchy “all things go” repeated phrase. I don’t know if the story is an actual thing that happened to him, or if it’s just from some fictional person’s point of view, but see what happens next (in the emotional climax of the song):

if I was crying
in the van, with my friend
it was for freedom
from myself and from the land
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes

Why is he crying? He’s made a lot of mistakes, but he is free from them. He realized this while traveling cross-country in a van, and felt truly free because he’s been taken and recreated by the one who found him.

And “Chicago” is far from the only song that’s like this, with the Christianity out front for anybody to see. Take the brutal ballad “John Wayne Gacy, Jr.,” with its self-damning ending, or the apocalyptic direct-from-Revelation-to-you actions of “Emmanuel of mothers” in “The Seer’s Tower.” Both of those songs conjure images of Illinois icons, but their actual meaning involves so much more. Plus, they sound cool coming from the band and his falsetto voice.

That’s not to say that all his songs have a specifically Christian message, or that he even can be considered a Christian artist[2]. The secular music press has embraced him, and not even begrudgingly. It’s like nobody notices the guy is a Christian, or if they do, they just don’t care. I mean, he released “Seven Swans” (a specifically Christian album) in 2004 and nobody batted an eye. All but the most rabid anti-Christians just saw it as another Sufjan record. How insane is that? Usually when an artist is a Christian that’s the only thing reviewers can talk about -- look at how Sixpence None the Richer had to practically perform a Peter-like renunciation of Christ to get people to ask them about their music. But thanks to Mr. Stevens strangely oblique yet positively brilliant lyrics, he gets to be a Christian and an artist. How Wholly Unique.

It helps that the stories in Sufjan’s songs are so universal and personal. They’re mostly told in first person, and most of them involve divorce or loneliness or job loss or death or betrayal or unrequited love or other emotionally wrenching things. Now, he’ll also record a joyful song on you, so watch out – but all of his songs involve some sort of real human emotion that’s expressed in a way you don’t expect, even if you’ve heard a bunch of Sufjan’s stuff before. The naked emotion, whether it be joyful or fearful or whatever, makes the songs resonate with people. It makes the songs intimate. And that intimacy covers over whatever religious problems people might have with them.

2. THE CONCERT ITSELF

Not surprisingly, the Lakewood Theater resides in the Lakewood section[3] of Dallas, just south and west of White Rock Lake on the city’s near east side. That won’t mean anything to a non-Dallasian, but the important thing to remember about Lakewood is that it’s filled to the brim with good-looking white people, which makes it the perfect place to hold a Sufjan Stevens concert. I wrote more about this as it was happening, but let me summarize Sufjan’s demo, at least in Dallas: 99% white, 90% young (18-25), 80% attractive, and maybe 50% cognizant and approving of the artist’s Christianity[4].

We were seated in the first row in the back part of the balcony, pretty dang good seats for getting there seemingly after everybody else. The row in front of us was in the walkway, and those people had a hard time seeing. When Sufjan came out, everybody stood up and clapped, then sat down and listened. Everybody except four people. Those four people stayed standing, and they happened to be directly in front of us. As the concert started, the person directly in front of me asked me if he could stand (because he couldn’t see very well.) I said ok, but could you stand over by the wall? Well, this guy saw four people standing directly in front of him, realized he could see even less, and stayed standing to become the fifth jerk in the building. We were trying to get a glimpse of Sufjan’s head in the space between their silhouetted arms and bodies, and the people behind us were getting pissed. It should have been an easy-to-resolve issue, right? The five morons should have seen everybody else sitting down and been embarrassed, right? Well, that’s not exactly how it played out.

A minute or so into the first song, a girl behind us yells “Sit down!” The guy in front of me, the one who politely asked me if he could stand, says “F__ you! Stand up! Get the bouncer if you want me to sit down!” He was gambling that nobody was going to do that. Thankfully, after a tense minute or two, the 4 idiots sat down one at a time, as if they just got tired of standing and weren’t embarrassed by their toolery or whatever. Then the dude in front of me, seeing he was alone, shrugged his shoulders and sat down, too. A peaceful end to what could have been an ugly problem. And this doesn’t change the fact that people who stand up at concerts should be killed[5].

Mr. Stevens and his band all came out wearing what looked like khaki-and-red Nehru jackets with bird wings on the back. It was a nice look, but Sufjan’s wings were bigger than everyone else’s and he kept running them into stuff and people on the stage. There was a movie-style screen in back of them that played multimedia presentations that went with each song[6], most of them psychedelic or artsy in nature. The band had (at my count, but giant speakers blocked my view, so I may have been wrong) 15 members including Mr. Stevens. All but the drummer, a guitarist with a Team Zissou-like red cap, and the main chick backup singer/guitarist/keyboardist/opening act[7] were on his right side in a two-row pack. I’m not sure, but I think some of them were missing wings. They all looked like they were having fun while they were playing, with lots of smiles and interaction.

Sufjan’s band makes a concerted effort to sound just like the albums sound. They sometimes switch up the background music to a song, but it all fits into the recognizable Sufjan milieu. There are sweeping crescendos followed by hushed lows, with lots of strings and horns and banjo. It’s wonderful to experience live, and it made me rediscover a love for many of the songs he played. It’s always interesting to find out which songs are better in concert than on the album, and which ones don’t translate as well. “Sister[8],” “The Transfiguration,” and of course “Chicago” were probably the highlights for me, although hearing “Detroit” in concert was a special treat, being as it’s one of my favorite songs (and the only one he played) off his “Michigan” album. The only song I didn’t totally love was “Majesty’s Snowbird,” which I had never heard before and went on too long. Plus, the bird-themed screen presentation was giving me flashbacks to the movie The Falls.

The one moment that stands out was during the Transfiguration, when he goes into the last repeated chorus of “Lost in the clouds, a voice…” The screen was showing clouds and the band was tight and the chorus was magical and Sufjan and Chick Lit’s voices were blending amazingly and that’s probably my favorite part of any Sufjan song ever…I got actual goosebumps. Something about seeing the clouds on the screen was just indescribable.

As expected, they played a bunch of songs (5) off the album “Illinois.” But they played just as many from his personal/Christian/side project “Seven Swans.” I thought that was interesting. People seemed to really like anything he did, so I don’t think that decision helped or hurt him. As I mentioned before, he played just one song off “Michigan,” which is too bad. As much as I love the bopping boppery of “Detroit,” I would have loved to also hear “Romulus[9]” or “Vito’s Ordination Song,” or heck, anything else. I could have listened to him for 2 more hours.

They also only played one song off their new outtakes compilation, “The Avalanche.” It is incredibly cool that he didn’t feel the need to do more to promote it. You gotta respect that. The final two of the 14 songs slots were filled with unreleased songs about birds. He seemed to indicate that he had been working on songs about birds, and the wings they were wearing indicated that “birds” was kinda the theme of the whole concert. Maybe that’s why they played the song “Seven Swans.[10]”

Sufjan’s concert persona is quiet, with an understated sense of humor and some mild fake-outs[11]. He also didn’t register a response when this audience exchange happened:

Fan One (yelling): We love your band!

Fan Two (yelling): All of it! (laughter from audience)

Fan Three, in balcony (yelling): We love your body! (pause) All of it!

He’s actually really good at ignoring that kind of tomfoolery, or for that matter anything else the audience says. This could come off as too serious or pretentious (especially when wearing giant wings), and thankfully that “We love your body” guy got the hint and didn’t yell anything else.

I’m tired of praising the man -- just go see a Sufjan show, now. You shan’t regret it.

Set List

Sister (Seven Swans)
Casimir Pulaski Day (Illinois)
Detroit, Lift Up Your Weary Head! (Michigan)
The Lord God Bird (Unknown)
Dear Mr. Supercomputer (The Avalanche)
The Transfiguration (Seven Swans)
Jacksonville (Illinois)
The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades is Out to Get Us! (Illinois)
John Wayne Gacy, Jr. (Illinois)
A Good Man is Hard to Find (Seven Swans)
Majesty Snowbird (Unknown)
Seven Swans (Seven Swans)
Chicago (Illinois)
The Dress Looks Nice on You (encore, from Seven Swans)

[1] In fact, my wife says that concept albums are “The wave of the future,” and she suggested I use that exact phrase when writing this. For previous concept album artists, see every band of the 70’s. It’s also the wave of the past.

[2] “Christian artist” being of course a term more loaded than a baked potato, and one I personally abhor. I would call him a Christian artist, since he’s a Christian and an artist and his art reflects Christianity. Others (including myself sometimes) would have a definition that’s either more or less broad than that. The point is, things are what they are no matter how we define them. And Sufjan’s undeniably both Christian and secular, and he’s rapidly approaching territory nobody (save possibly Pedro the Lion -- possibly) has walked in years. I mean, U2 practically did backflips in the mid-80’s to get off this very path.

[3] Instead of making extra suburbs like St. Louis would, Dallas white people have just joined together inside already-existing cities and made their own communities with their own names. There’s Lakewood and Highland Park in Dallas, and Las Colinas and Valley Ranch in Irving. These communities exist so that white people whose addresses are in Irving can pretend they live in a better city than the one listed on their address – i.e., “My gosh, Sally, you live in Irving? What went wrong?” “It’s ok, we live in Valley Ranch.” “Oh, whew – I thought you had fallen on hard times.”

[4] As estimated by eyeballing the crowd, as well as the amount of increased clapping for the song “The Transfiguration,” which is a basically Bible story in song form and a fave among the his Christian fans. Admittedly, this correspondent didn’t take any polls or anything. Notice 50% is exactly half-and-half. I’m playing weatherperson here a little bit.

[5] Obviously, this rule comes with some caveats. Standing at a punk rock show is mandatory, for example. But the hard-and-fast rule is this: The majority rules. If the majority of people are sitting, you’re sitting. And it doesn’t matter how crappy your seats are.

[6] I feel I must mention the main faux pas of the evening, which was that a Superman-themed multimedia presentation clearly made for Sufjan’s “Man of Metropolis Steals our Hearts” was played during “Jacksonville.” Must have been a last-minute mixup or something.

[7] Referred to as “Chick-Lit” from this point on, because with her thrifty dress, funky hair, and glasses, she looked like a Chick who could write some serious Lit.

[8] Made even better by the fact that the audience (including me) clapped after the “loud” part, not realizing the song wasn’t over. My wife even thought the second part of “Sister” was a whole other song.

[9] A song about kids with an indifferent mother, it probably remains his best “story-telling” song, at least in the gut-churning emotional sense of “best.” True story: As we were walking out, my wife started to have a conversation with the guy behind her, and his one regret was that Sufjan didn’t play “Romulus.” And this guy looked like a frat guy. Clearly, the song has some power.

[10] Most surreal Christian moment of the show: This song’s ending, which is a ghostly chorus of “I am the Lord” with Sufjan whispering “He says” in between and scary music playing in the background. It was great.

[11] Ex) He introduced the last song as “A song about one of my favorite cities,” and the band started in with the theme song to Dallas. Then, a few bars in, “Chicago” starts. Hee hee.

Wha Happan?

2006-09-16T06:25:00.000-07:00

I'm going to use this forum to apologize again, this time for the tragic reordering of my posts into something that made no sense. I'm sorry that my mobility is in its infancy, and this baby cries and craps and gets all up into all sorts of things he shouldn't. I would promise to do better next time, but I don't know what I did wrong last time, and it would just be an empty promise.

I'm writing about Sufjan right now.

Track List to Tide You Over

2006-09-14T06:57:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody,

The concert was awesome and transfix-ing, and to have tried to post during it would have been a disservice to me, you, Sufjan, his band, and the world itself.

Here are the songs the man played, in order:

Sister (Seven Swans)
Casimir Pulaski Day (Illinois)
Detroit, Lift Up Your Weary Head! (Michigan)
The Lord God Bird (Unknown)
Dear Mr. Supercomputer (The Avalanche)
The Transfiguration (Seven Swans)
Jacksonville (Illinois)
The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades is Out to Get Us! (Illinois)
John Wayne Gacy, Jr. (Illinois)
A Good Man is Hard to Find (Seven Swans)
Majesty Snowbird (Unknown)
Seven Swans (Seven Swans)
Chicago (Illinois)
The Dress Looks Nice on You (encore, from Seven Swans)

So, for those of you keeping score at home, that's 5 from Illinois, a surprising 5 from Seven Swans, 1 each from Michigan and The Avalanche, and 2 probably unreleased songs about birds. I can't believe he didn't play more songs off Avalanche, and I think it's interesting that he played all those songs off of Seven Swans, especially considering that one's basically a Bible story (The Transfiguration) and another ends with a chorus of "He is the Lord" (Seven Swans).

It was awesome.

Entertainment -- This Post Goes After "Post Three"

2006-09-13T13:01:00.005-07:00

Not only has the opening band left the area, we just found out that Sufjan has a big screen behind him for multimedia extravagazas! This is going to be just like that Floyd concert, only I haven't been offered weed.

Yet.

I don't know how much I'll be posting during the actual concert, since I paid (after surcharges) 35 bucks for these seats. We're in the balcony, btw. At least we have a clear view of the stage and aisle seats.

Anyway, I'll have a playlist for you at some point I suppose.

Update: still no blacks in attendance, though I do see quite a few afros. I've also decided that there are quite a few 17-19 year-olds as well. There's now a sweet smell of some kind of smoke hanging in the air. Allergies ahoy.

Upon further review, the orange-red is actually blood-red. And the stage is butt-ugly with curtains seemingly made of giant pieces of garland. I can't decide whether it's christmas-y or space-age-y. Either way, it's terrible.

There are also giant glowing things on the wall that typify the pro/anti 70's vibe.

Sufjan's about to hit the stage. Also, a 6th fat person just husked by. I could not be more excited right now...

post three

2006-09-13T13:01:00.004-07:00

The band has grown a bassist (with a zissou-esque red cap) and a drummer, who's actually hitting things now. They're playing blues-rock, which they definitely don't need the violins for. They're pretty good.

The Lakewood Theater is a pleasant place, rather like one of those cool old movie theaters. Its two main colors are orange-red and (barf) teal. The stage is flanked by two naked statues, which must have seemed like a good idea at the time. There are stripes going along the ceiling from the very back of the theater to the front. I can't really describe it beyond saying that it looks like they were trying to simultaneously embrace and distance from the 70's. None of this changes the fact that I wish this band was done so that Sufjan could commence kicking musical butt.

The Row in Front of us

2006-09-13T13:01:00.002-07:00

My wife counting the sets of people who sit down in the row in front of us and then get up because the seats are obstructed. We're on set number 8.

She's also pointed out two people who are larger than me. She's def a keeper, this one.

The opening band, (fill name in later here), consists of a chick-lit-type singer and 5 different string instruments and nothing else. They're very soothing. People set #8 just hugged. Looks like they're staying in those crappy seats.

I haven't been to a concert in a while -- is it normal for violinists to be wearing masks on top of their heads? As in, not on ther faces. I'm just wondering.

Chick Lit is now playing an electric piano, which is a pretty cheap way to branch out from string instruments if you ask me. She must have heard me mocking her in my head. She also sounds like somebody I can't quite place -- my wife says her voice is haunting. I don't know about that, but I think Bjork wants her accent back.

Masks are still being worn improperly, and two more husky people have passed us. No african-americans yet though. That one Indian guy doesn't count. The band now has a drummer, but he's just sitting there. Her quiet songs are quite pretty, but her rock voice could scatter a colony of rats, even if they were intently concentrating on something.

This Post Actually Goes Before "The Row in Front of Us."

2006-09-13T13:01:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in traffic in dallas (redundancy sic) waiting to get my and my wife's bodies and ears over to the Lakewood Theater in Dallas. Yeah, we're going to see the greatness of Sufjan "John Wayne Gacy Dude" Stephens live and for real in concert. Since I am now the mobilest blogger in the nation, I will be able to report on this as it happens instead of waiting until my memory has fuzzified everything.

Maybe I should have announced this sooner, but give me a break...I just discovered I can do this.

First observation: Sufjan fans are monolithically white (the only black people I've seen are the security people) and 20-40 years old. I'll go a step further and note that about 90 percent of the people here are 20-28 years old. Also, I'm easily the fattest person here.

More news as it happens, I promise.

Posting via Blackberry

2006-09-12T19:11:00.000-07:00

I can't add any styles, but my blogging capabilities have just exploded. Epth has become as mobile as Iran is insane.

Needless to say, this is only a test. Achtung!

Got the Blackberry

2006-09-09T20:08:00.000-07:00

Last week I got my own office and a Blackberry, so I guess I'm officially all growns up. And a professional, no less. Piece of advice: Google Maps for Blackberry is unbelievably awesome, as in my life is now split into B.G.M.f.B and A.G.M.f.B. I don't know how I lived without the ability to pull up a map to the nearest Sam's Club on my mobile device. When I get fired, I'm going to be mad.

The astute reader will note that I'm also drinking wine, wirelessly networking, and doing all sorts of other "adult" things these days. In fact, I'm drinking wine and wirelessly networking right now. I'm also multitasking, as the Texas-Ohio St. bloodletting is on the TV in front of which I am wirelessly networking. Looks like Texas fans will be slightly less insufferable this year. Yay!

If it seems like I'm rambling, that's another astute observation. Have y'all checked out the LOST Experience lately? They're like, on the verge of giving away the secret of the numbers (and they sorta let the cat out of the bag already, imo.) It's too hard to explain for the uninitiated, but here's a link to the video in question, which features Alvar Hanso and goes a long way towards explaining the entire background of the island and the Dharma Initiative. Of course, this should all be taken with a gallon of salt. They seem to be claiming that LOST is a fictional story based on the "real" mythology of the Hanso Foundation. That's quite ambitious (not to mention bizarre and possibly self-defeating), if you ask me. Anyway, watch the video and feel free to freak out.

Rough Notes on Glory Road

2006-09-09T15:22:00.000-07:00

Sadly, I don't have time to do a Netflix diary of this Disneyized account of the white vs. black 1966 NCAA Championship team. Nor do I even have time to put my thoughts into paragraphs. What you are about to see is my raw, unorganized thoughts and ramblings as I saw the film. I found them a little entertaining, and I hope you do as well. Sometimes things are better raw, like carrots for example.
===================================================

It’s like the American south in the 60’s as translated through Hollywood movies from then until now.*

Lots of obligatory scenes. Obligatory black kids singing 50's songs scene. Obligatory “West Texas is hickville” scene. Obligatory white kids and black kids fight scene. Obligatory black panther character scenes. Obligatory “the MAN won’t allow you to recruit black players” scene. More obligatory white-black fighting. Obligatory 60’s music in the background. Obligatory black kids making fun of white kids. Non-obligatory (and totally insane but kinda funny) mom sitting in class scene**. Obligatory old southern white guys with glasses judging the black kids. Obligatory black kid with a drug problem. Obligatory white people not clapping for black people. Obligatory “do what you love” speech. Obligatory unrealistic non-cussing basketball coaches. Obligatory black people and white people become friends scene. Obligatory boombox war, in an era before boomboxes. Obligatory “team is winning” montage. Obligatory “wet blanket”(copyright Bill Simmons) wife scene. Obligatory former “playa” starts to care and has to deal with his new feelings scene. Obligatory footage of Vietnam while “People Get Ready” plays in the background. Obligatory destroyed hotel room scene. Non-obligatory and quite puzzling reverse-racism-related loss to Seattle.

The racists in this film are so non-commital, like they don’t intend to be racist…”He doesn’t need those kids to win, does he?” The lynchers give the kid a swirly, for pete’s sake.

They’re mixing up the eras of trash-talking. “Bad” didn’t mean good until at least the 80’s. Why not yo mama jokes as well? Why not baggy shorts and people saying “You go girl”?

It’s a cheesy Disney movie with cheesy Disney dialogue. The songs are oppressive and gave me Forrest Gump flashbacks. Josh Davis is horrible. Kevin Costner would have been an improvement, so says my wife. But not Ben Affleck (who almost took the part), so says my wife.

When did Texas Western become UTEP?*** Is it because of the black people?

Is that the chick from Fresh Prince of Bel Aire? Is that Devin Harris? Isn’t this an excessive amount of dunks for a 60’s game? Weren’t dunks outlawed until the 70’s?****

Coach lets them play “black,” they start winning. Racist. Bobby Knight must be rolling over in his Indiana undead grave. He hates that. At least they beat Iowa.

They play 2000’s-style dunk-ball. This is why we’re getting beat in the Olympics, btw.

*Specifically "Remember the Titans," another disneyized retelling of a "true" story of a team being integrated and overcoming racism. But also every other movie involving race relations. You'd know what I'm talking about if you saw it.

** It was admittedly funny when the mom sat behind the kid, but any claims the movie had at being serious or relevant went out the window during the scene. She might as well have been played by Martin Lawrence -- if you're going to do wacky, go all out.

*** Answer: 1967, a year after the events of this movie.

**** Answers, in order: Yes, no, yes, no.

A Few Quick Links

2006-09-07T05:58:00.000-07:00

David Lynch, everybody's favorite director, has just received something called the "Golden Lion Lifetime Achievement Award" from somebody who gives these things out. I didn't even know such an award existed. He's apparently the youngest to ever win it. Anyway, this happened at a screening of his latest film, Inland Empire. Here are some exciting quotes from this article on the Guardian.uk site:

"But some critics have argued that the film contains more mystery than drama, describing it as an eccentric and incomprehensible three-hour puzzle."

"... spent two years developing the hallucinatory project, in which Naomi Watts plays a talking rabbit."

"...we didn't have a script we were following."

Yeah, it's going to be weird, and I for one can't wait. I'm glad Lynch decided to take a long enough break from thinking happy thoughts to make another movie. I'm also glad to see the rabbit suits are back. Can't get enough of those cute rabbits.

In other news, Sidney Moncrief, my favorite basketball player of all time, is supposedly set to take over as coach of my hometown Fort Worth Flyers NBADL (NBA Developmental League, for those who just aren't good enough) team. Worlds are colliding. I can't wait to go to games and cheer the...coach? Well, just to see his balding head would be enough. He was the best Buck ever, and now he's going to be in my town. I reckon nobody else cares about this.

I don't know how long the link is going to be up, but check out this video of a reporter being attacked by the people he was investigating. A man and his wife get into a fight with the reporter, another man tries to pry the attacker off him, and the cameraman gets it all on tape. This is one man's life-destroying decision caught on film. Fun!

But seriously, check it out. It's crazy.

Fantasy Football starts today for most real men, so football widows, you know my number and you know what time it is. Come get your big clock. But hold on -- Miami plays tonight, right? Which means I have to root for Dolphins TE Randy "not Steve" McMichael. Forget it, ladies. I'm married to my wife and a little thing called football nerdiness.

Idiocracy

2006-09-04T13:07:00.000-07:00

(Above is the only known still photo of the new film Idiocracy.)

I'm watching Divorce Court on syndicated TV right now, and I find myself contemplating the screwball message of the Mike Judge satire Idiocracy, which I just saw in the theater. Are we on the fast track to becoming a nation of idiots? Are we glorifying stupidity with all of our reality-tv? Are we becoming addicted to consumption of corporate products? Will everything we use one day be sponsored by some corporate entity? Is the campaign for President just an elaborate popularity contest? Why haven't we rebuilt New Orleans yet? Most importantly, will the comparatively high birth rates among the dumb cause us to forget that, for example, crops need water, and garbage can't just be stacked in giant "trash-mountains"?

Oh, and I should explain: Idiocracy is a movie. I don't expect you to know this, because Idiocracy is opening to limited release in only 7 cities. One of those cities happens to be Dallas, and one of those theaters it was released to happens to be the one within walking distance of our apartment. This movie hasn't been advertised or sent to reviewers at all, and the only reason we found it was it happened to be at that particular theater and none of the other movies playing there were appealing. We saw that it was made by Mike Judge, and were immediately on board. Seems like a lot of other Office Space fans would be, as well. When I went up to the chick in the box office, she had to clarify the movie I wanted to see, and as I walked into the theater I figured out why: my wife and I were the only two people there. After it was all said and done, we were exactly 2/3 of the audience for the 12:30 showing.

The sad part is, this could have been a modest hit for Fox had they not decided to kill it. Mike Judge has a built-in audience, and all a trailer would have to do is concentrate on the multitude of fart jokes and all the stupid people who like Farrelly Brother comedies would show up. Why did Fox decide they didn't want the money this movie would have made? Why did they decide that losing money was more important than letting this satire succeed?

Not knowing anything about the behind-the-scenes life of this movie, it's not hard to see what happened. 4 words: Starbucks as a brothel. That prbably killed it. There are a bunch of corporations that probably don't like Judge's biting futuristic vision for them, including biggies like Starbucks, Carl's Jr., and "Uhmerican Exxxpress." There's real-life corporate branding all over this movie, from billboards to clothes to everywhere in-between. I guess it's true -- we are living in a corporate oligarchy, and that oligarchy won't let any jokes about it cut too deep or say too much.

Idiocracy is good satire in that it's dumb on the surface, but it manages to make you think. Judge has his finger on the pulse of American stupidity (as previously seen in Beavis and Butthead), and this time he tries to go after the source -- the people with a vested interest in seeing us overconsume and underthink. That this movie got buried perhaps gives us our clearest indication yet that the movie's message has merit, and that soon our stupid clothes will be covered all nascar-like in multiple corporate advertisements and our stupid TV will be filled with programs consisting solely of a man getting hit in the crotch.

If you do end up finding this movie somewhere, be warned -- its satire is often brutal, and there's very little plot to keep things from degenerating into dystopian silliness. But if you can handle the thought of a future where water has been replaced by a sports drink and the President is a WWE-style Sports Entertainer (and judging by the relative success of Team America, many of you can), I would recommend it.

Oh, and did I mention it stars Luke Wilson? How fricking controversial can it really be? Come on, Fox!

Nature is Indifferent to You

2006-09-04T07:59:00.000-07:00

Stingray Kills 'Crocodile Hunter' Irwin

The article above links to a Washington Post article (and you know how much we love linking to the WP) detailing the demise of one Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin. That's right, if you haven't heard yet, The Crocodile Hunter is dead. No, a croc didn't get him -- he was stabbed in the heart by a stingray while filming an underwater segment called "Ocean's Deadliest."

What we have learned time and time again is that hanging out with nature will kill you. This is especially true when you're hanging out with the kind of nature that has a tail like a sword. Camping is ok, but we here at Epth Nation thoroughly unendorse the practice of going into the wild where the animals hang out, at least not without bulletproof vests and appropriate weaponry. This is why we domesticated animals, so we don't have to fricking hunt wild bison and deadly pseudofish anymore. Zoos exist, as do mega-zoom telephoto lenses. Take advantage of them.

Then again, if you're one of those Real Men who thinks that Fight Clubs are a real-life good idea and don't feel "alive" unless you're feeling the intense rush of adrenaline that only naked danger can bring, go hug a bobcat and stop bothering the rest of us.

Most Overrated Death in Human History

2006-09-03T14:58:00.000-07:00

I've seen specials on the so-called "Black Dahlia" murder, and I know the story. As far as I can tell, she was just a chick with black hair and a cool name. That's it. So why do I know of her existence? Why is there now a feature film about her? Is it just because of the cool name?

She was one of a million, not one in a million. That's all I'm saying.

I Saw a Bad Movie for Your Amusement

2006-09-02T14:48:00.000-07:00

Elektra: The Girl with the Knives

(A small review in 21 parts by Michael D. Pape)

i) I remember Elektra from those Daredevil comics when I was a kid. Like most children my age, I didn’t read Daredevil, but he was in a lot of cool Spider-Man crossovers, so I was aware of his existence. Anyway, the puzzling thing about this whole Elektra movie is that it’s about an ancillary pseudo-villain from a comic book that nobody read. I’m trying to think of an equivalent character to show how strange it is, and I don’t know…it’s like giving a movie to the Super Skrull or something. Anyway, The whole point of Elektra is the red costume and the cool knives. If they aren’t in this movie, I’m turning it off.

ii) It’s always good when your DVD comes with a commercial that claims that downloading movies is the same thing as stealing them. They can make their point (that downloading is illegal and hurts the artists) without lying. Sheesh. This one tried to equivocate stealing cars and downloading movies. I wonder which crime costs the law-abiding US economy more? Hmm…thousands of dollars vs. nothing…it’s a tough choice. Plus, movie companies will gladly steal our precious time with 10 minutes of movie trailers, even on DVDs now. Which is more like stealing a car – stealing data or stealing time? I’ll let you, dear reader, decide that one.

iii) I wonder if they realize they’re using Greek “sigmas” for “E’s”? Is this a bad sign? Is this a movie for stupid people? Was I not supposed to notice this?

iv) Within the first 5 minutes we have both the knives and the costume (sort of. At least it’s red). I’m kinda surprised, to be honest. A problem I’m having is separating this mythology from that of Jen Garner’s other entertainment vehicle, Alias. Right now it just looks like Sydney Bristow’s dressed in one of her costumes and going after some rich guy. Wouldn’t be the first time. They should have tried to make Elektra look more Asian.

v) For a better movie about an unstoppable female assassin in a secret society that does her wrong, see Kill Bill. This is that movie, made by someone without Tarrantino’s sense of style. This is a bizarre, dull, and bleak movie so far.

vi) Who’da thought Elektra had OCD? That’s some serious filmmaking right there. Probably caused by being named after a complex, and an icky one at that. This whole first part is designed to humanize our assassin title character and make us feel sorry for her. Right now a man (her dad?) is making a young Elektra tread water with only her feet. I’m sure she’ll overcome all this OCD and water and loneliness and having a bad name by the end of the movie.

vii) We just learned that Elektra has insomnia, and even takes medication for it. Now she’s doing an exercise montage right out of Rocky, only she’s not going to box some evil guy, she’s going to kill some guy for money. See the problem? Super Skrull would totally have been better. At least he can change shapes.

viii) So, this hasn’t been made clear yet, but I can see now that Elektra will be hired to kill this Nice Guy (whom she just met) and his “just like Elektra” daughter, and this will lead Elektra to a moral dilemma, and then a bunch of dudes will come after her, and she will win. Do I even need to see the rest of this movie?

ix) Five minutes later, my scenario is coming true. Maybe this watching bad movies idea wasn’t such a good one. First up on the assassin death carousel is Roof Crawler, who dies in a poof of light and smoke. Wonderful. This is just like a video game. DartThrower Smith is attacking them now, and he’s soon to be dead.

x) The forces amass against Elektra, and their names are: Eagle Shoulder, Aids-breath, Coin Balancer, and Big Black Guy. Oh, and their leader, who sucks. Sucky Leader. They’re all dead, but the film introduces them in a cool slow-walking montage anyway. At least we’ll get to see some fun CGI fighting. I hope.

xi) It’s like 15 minutes later, and still no CGI fighting. And not to be a Complainy Janey, but we’ve seen about 5 seconds of knives and 0 seconds of costume since the first five minutes of the film. Maybe they ran out of money.

xii) I love it when movies try to convince us that the bad guys aren’t all going to die. Like these jokers can really beat Elektra. Oh, Sucky Leader can read minds, and Big Black Guy can’t be hurt by bullets. Ooo. I’m scared.

xiii) You should really rent this movie and be following along at home for this. Especially since the movie is so old and even if you did see it, you probably don’t remember it. But I wouldn’t ask you to do that. I would never ask you to do that. It would be like asking you to relive my prison term, or something.

xiv) Big Black Guy clearly disobeys orders by going after the two targets before killing Elektra. As a result, the coolest person in the entire film is now dead. I’m speaking of Big Black Guy, of course.

xv) Coin Balancer turns out to be just pretty good at karate, and Eagle Shoulder turns out to be basically the Wolfman with a jet pack. Also, the two helpless people, Nice Guy and Daughter? They have powers, and kill said Balancer and Wolfman. Told you they were all dead. For those keeping score, that leaves Aids-breath and Sucky Leader. Hope this ends soon.

xvi) Aids-breath kisses Elektra and “kills” her, then ninjas start rappelling out of trees in a scene right out of You Only Live Twice, then the movie commits suicide on its own narrative. 20 bucks says Elektra will live. Oh, that reminds me…there’s this guy named “Stick” that’s like Elektra’s sensei, and he brings people back to life. Unfortunately, that also means the movie will continue.

xvii) Sucky Leader and Elektra agree to fight “where it all began” for the soul of the daughter, more or less. No word on how Aids-breath likes being cut out of the action. Of course, if all she can do is kill Elektra, Stick will just bring her back to life. Looks like she’s been made redundant.

xviii) Sucky Leader turns out to be some sort of Demon Ninja. Of course the daughter follows Elektra to where the two are fighting, and of course she comes in and saves Elektra from being killed. At least we got to see the costume again. It’s pretty stupid in real life.

xix) I guess Wolfman and Eagle Shoulder were two different people, because he’s still alive and all snakey right now. And for some reason Elektra and daughter decide to go into the hedge maze from The Shining. So, the place “where it all began” is the Overlook? I’ll spare you any “Snakes in a Maze” jokes. Anyway, Eagle Shoulder dies because he can’t fight back when he’s all snakey.

xx) Aids-breath just gave the daughter aids with her aids-breath. When will this movie end? Elektra and Sucky Leader fight some more, this time by a well in the center of the hedge-maze. Looks like the bad guys are going to win this one, everybody. The suspense is killing me. Whoops…just when you thought Elektra was defeated, she somehow managed to sucker-stab Sucky Leader and throw him down the well. Then she turned and computed some vectors and threw her cool knife through like 20 hedges and into Aids-breath’s head. Then she herself brings the daughter back to life. Man, they really must have run out of money to have a rat-a-tat ending like that. Anyway, now the daughter gets to learn karate at her own pace. How nice that all those people had to die to get that accomplished.

xxi) They should make a prequel starring Big Black Guy, who was by far the most interesting person in the film. The tagline could be “He Stuck it to the Man before he Stuck it to the Hand.” He could be a misunderstood bruiser in the mold of the Hulk. Like that idea, Hollywood? Call me.

USA Men's Basketball Fails Again!

2006-09-01T21:04:00.000-07:00

If you remember, two years ago I wrote this about the 2004 men's olympic basketball team. It was a scathing piece, maybe a diatribe even, and I fully expected USA Basketball to listen to me, make changes, and never lose a game again. Boy, was I wrong.

What I failed to note in my previous column was the USA's total and complete inability to play the pick-and-roll on either side of the ball. The headline may read "USA loses because they can't shoot three-pointers," but that's wrong. The real reason they lost is that little Greek guy, who kept driving the lane for easy layups or dishing out to some lame white guys for easy threes. That's besides the pick-and-roll of course, which was killing the US all game. Maybe those guys should learn fundamentals in dunking school. Hey, isn't that why they hire Coach K from Duke? He's the fundamental king! As always, Duke proves to be good for nothing.

Will the US ever learn to play defense? Will they ever learn to shoot? Will they ever play with urgency? Will the NBA ever come back to being real basketball?

No.

Quick Hits for Today's Youth

2006-08-31T20:10:00.000-07:00

Since you little ruffians are still up, and you've just stumbled into this blog, I'll give you some free advice. I know, I know -- your kind never takes advice, you just "play by your own rules." If you took advice, you'd be in bed by now. I know your crappy kind. Anyway, because I like hearing the dull clack of the keys on my laptop, I will give you some rules anyway:

1) If you see a guy on the MTV Movie Awards who lost a presidential election nearly six years ago, and who's dressed in all black, then change the channel and wash your TV to get the residue off. He's the devil.

2) Residue is a cool word. Use it often.

3) Most of your friends are just using you. They do so for a number of different reasons. Possibly, though, you have one or two real friends. How do you spot them? Well, it's never who you expect it to be, but a good rule of thumb is this: If he/she is a drug mule, then he/she is not a friend, fool! But if it's murky and brown, you're in cider town! (I gotta work on this one)

4) The Dixie Chicks are repellent. Learn why, and you'll be smarter.

5) The world is convinced you're stupid and don't notice that phrases like "exclusive" and "free" are filled with all sorts of other double meanings that our forefathers never intended. This is a harbinger of a 1984-style fascist state if I ever saw one, so make sure you always own a lot of gray jumpsuits and can stare for hours at nothing in particular.

6) That thing you want? It's bad for you. Too much of it can kill you, and probably will at this rate.

7) By the time you reach 22, all the good jobs will be either shipped to another country or filled by a geriatric person who because of advancements in modern medicine will never die. Welcome to America, little one. Hope you speak Portugese, 'cuz they're comin' next.

8) If you must use a credit card, make sure it's somebody else's. Identity theft is a crime, but it's a crime no law enforcement cares about because it doesn't have to do with protecting corporate interests or making money for municipalities.

9) John Mark Carr? That's you in 20 years if you don't unbutton that top button right now.

10) Girls will slap your glasses clean off if you're ugly and make passes at them. If you're not ugly, make all the passes you want and don't even bother getting contacts.

11) There are two kinds of people in this world -- those who will get you the best deal they possibly can, and those who will get you to spend the most money they possibly can. I'll give you two guesses as to which one Papa John is.

CW: 1+1=(3/4)

2006-08-27T12:58:00.000-07:00

It was destiny, this merger of the two minor-league networks. The only question is, what took them so long? In combining, they could get rid of all their crappy shows and keep only the good ones, right? Right? Why is everybody laughing?

I don't know enough about the WB or UPN to know which shows were made redundant, but I do know the shows that made it. In Gilmore Girls, Smallville, and Veronica Mars they have the trinity of shows that people swear to me are good, but that I won't (or can't) watch. Especially that stinky Smallville. In 7th Heaven, they have a show I could have sworn was ending last year. I thought the national nightmare was over, but it looks like maybe not. Sometimes they come back.

Because the schedule is so crowded, there's only a couple of new shows here. That's probably good...let the network get on its feet before introducing an all-new schedule of shows that will be cancelled in two weeks.

Shows I can't believe are still on:

One Tree Hill -- It's a punchline at this point, right? It's boring, it's got a horrible title, it gets bad ratings, but every year it's back on the schedule. Who watches this show?

Everwood -- Oh, wait...this show was actually cancelled. I guess I can believe it's still not on. But why didn't they also cancel the other "forest" drama, One Tree Hill? I could never keep those two shows straight. Is Everwood the one with the earnest-looking bearded guy?

New Shows:

Runaway -- Donnie "The New Kid" Wahlberg stars as a man wrongly convicted of murder who runs away with his family to Iowa in what can only be described as a "self-made reverse Witness Protection Program." They need to keep their stories straight, but will their kids spill the beans? Will Donnie be able to find the real killer before John Law finds him? Sadly, nobody cares.

The Game -- Ok, somebody's playing a joke at the Yahoo!!! web site for this show. They list "Brittany Daniel" as playing "Kelly," but it's clearly somebody else. If Ms. Daniel was on the show, that would mean that 1/2 of two different sets of mildly famous TV twins would be on it. That's gotta be a joke. Anyway, Tia Mowry of the Disney yukfest Sister, Sister stars as the wife of an NFL football player. Uh-huh. So her husband's going to repeatedly cheat on her, and that's comedy gold, apparently. Wait a second -- the CW website has Ms. Daniel listed, too. What gives? Is this show a joke or not? Sadly, nobody cares.

FOX: Nevermind the Blood on Our Hands

2006-08-27T11:36:00.000-07:00

FOX will forever be known for two things: The Simpsons, and being the network that killed the most influential program of the early 21st century, Arrested Development. The FOX schedule sure looks empty this year without it. It doesn't matter, though -- they'll just end up running 200 encore presentations of the failed bit known as Prison Break a few weeks in after all their new shows fail to get audiences.

In other words, it's a good thing they have American Idol, The Simpsons, and House right now, because if they didn't, you'd be looking at the third member of the "CW" network. Actually, with those three shows alone they're probably doing better than ABC.

Shows I can't believe are still on:

The War at Home -- Man, this is the worst show on TV! Michael Rappaport's voice makes everybody's ears bleed. What's the deal, America? I can't accept the fact that they cancelled Arrested but kept this bloody banshee of a show. Aach, it pains me.

American Dad -- Does the world really need two Family Guys? Really? Sure, Family Guy is funny and all, and the story of its resurrection really is amazing, but it makes no sense to dilute its effect with a show that is its clone.

Nanny 911 -- I guess it's cheap to produce.

New Shows:

Vanished -- Gets the award for "Most Intriguing Concept" of the new season: A senator's wife vanishes from a charity function, and slowly the characters (and the audience) try to find her and learn that she was way more than she appeared on the surface. Yes, it's an easier-to-digest version of Twin Peaks. No, I don't think we'll see any dancing midgets. You can watch the whole pilot episode right now at that Yahoo!!!! Fall TV Preview, and you'll see what I mean. Seems like a lot of ham-handed attempts to get us to think this senator's wife is a saint who's full of secrets. Who knows? Maybe that gum you like is coming back in sty-eel.

Till Death -- Brad Garrett and that brown-haired girl from Ellen are a jaded "older" couple who live next to a young newlywed couple. The olds teach the youngs to embrace a jaded hate-based marriage, and the youngs teach the olds a thing or two about love. Aww. Yeah, it's Everybody Loves Raymond, only with no family crap and presumably less yelling. In other words, with no point. And how did Brad Garrett end up on FOX?

Justice -- Four high-powered defense attorneys (led by the guy who played Jack Bristow) use all their lawyerly powers to get defendents off the hook, regardless of their guilt or innocence. Isn't that super? The best part is at the end of each episode a flashback will tell us (the audience) whether the defendant was guilty or innocent. That's a weird idea, but I am interested. I hope we get to see a lot of episodes where the guy did it, the lawyers get a "not guilty" verdict, and the devil starts furnishing the rooms of the lawyers in hell for their evil work. I realize my expectations might not be realistic.

Standoff -- For me, it's impossible to see Ron Livingston as anybody other than Peter Gibbons. Therefore, this is a show about Peter taking a job as a hostage negotiator and sleeping with his partner. I don't know what happened to Joanna. Anyway, to stay working together they have to tell their superior, Anna Espinosa, that they're cutting off the relationship. Then they go into tense situations and do the dance of, "do they or don't they care about each other?" I don't know why, but I get the feeling there doth protest about this relationship too much. See? Now you know what's going to happen, so you don't even have to watch it.

Happy Hour -- A standard laugh-track sitcom from the "executive producers" of That 70's Show. I wonder, have they executively produced anything since then? Let's take a look. Nope, nothing. Why do they have to mention this? Does the executive producer do anything besides meddle anyway? "From the empty suits who brought you That 70's Show comes a show that actually looks like it might be funny. We have no idea how this happened, but we're pretty happy about it."

Intermission: Sports Guy goes to Milwaukee

2006-08-26T20:51:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I live in Dallas but grew up in Milwaukee. That explains my love of the Bucks and the seething love/hate thing I have with the Brewers, as well as a bunch of other things about me that you may or may not have picked up on. Bill Simmons of espn.com visited Wisconsin and went to two Brewers games and a Packers game, and had a lot of great things to say about the state and its people. Also, he seems to have noticed that there are a lot of fat people there. Nice and fat -- that's how we roll.

I was kind of disappointed, though. I was under the impression that the sausage race now had a Mexican chorizo, but Simmons doesn't mention that. Looks like he's only running once this year, and I have no idea why. It seems racist, which I hate.

CBS: We're Coasting at this Point

2006-08-26T14:06:00.000-07:00

When you're beating the competition as soundly as CBS is, you have to limit yourselves just to keep things interesting. This season, all the new shows at CBS have one-word titles*. They're so cocky.

Easily the biggest story of this year for CBS is going to be the genius of Survivor: Segregation. Man, I can't get over what a tremendously controversial but ultimately benign idea this is. Judging by the buzz, ratings should go through the roof. And that, my friends, is why CBS is the king. That, and...

Shows I can't believe are still on

Numb3rs -- Not only is it the Northern Exposure guy, but it's a show involving math. Isn't this concept beaten into the ground by the show yet? Man, it's been like 4 years, hasn't it? Meet the new JAG.

The Ghost Whisperer -- I'm shocked this made it through the whole year. That'll teach me to underestimate Jennifer Love Hewitt's fanbase. This can't make it through another year, can it?

CSI: NY or MIA -- If it were up to me, any show with David Caruso would be cancelled. I don't know why he bothers me so much. I really don't know why he doesn't bother other people so much.

Cold Case -- There are so many cable shows about real cold cases, so why does this lame drama about fake ones keep getting renewed? People are just keeping their sets on CBS, hoping for another episode of CSI, I'll bet.

New Shows

Jericho -- The prodigal son of the mayor of a small Kansas town returns home just in time for thermonuclear war. Now the town is cut off from the rest of the world, and the prodigal son must be the hero. It's hard to build your show around nuclear disaster when Iran is being so insane, and that's why this show will be cancelled. I'm not going to waste any more space on it except to say, "Nice try ripping off Lost, dillheads."

Shark -- James Woods (!) plays a hotshot defense attorney who gets hired by the same prosecutors he used to beat to head up a team that's dedicated to prosecuting millionaires. At least that's what the trailer made it sound like, anyway. I'm sure everyone will learn a lot every episode, and in the end maybe we'll all find out this Shark is just a regular fish with surgically implanted teeth. At any rate, get used to this show, because it's on CBS and they never cancel shows like this. You won't know anyone who watches them, but somehow they always clog up the top of the ratings every week.

Smith -- CBS doesn't need quirky names like "House" to get you to watch their shows. CBS is so cocky they'll pick the most generic name possible just to see if you'll still watch. It's like a social experiment at this point. Smith himself is played by Ray Liotta, who's a "family man by day and a criminal mastermind by night." He's basically a scuzzbag thief. Of course, he's getting tired of the stealing now, and he's just looking for that one big score so he can retire. That's original. Living in Dallas, this thievery thing hits a little too close to home. Why does America think thieves are such sympathetic characters? I hope Smith dies in the pilot. Oh, and it also stars overrated singer Frankie G, last seen making some dreadful girl swoon on My Super Sweet Sixteen.

(The) Class -- It's John's Ritter's son in a sitcom. Wait, it gets better...it's a sitcom about a guy who's trying to reunite his entire third grade class to commemorate the 20th anniversary of the day he met his fiance'. Nobody would ever think of that, much less do it. Why not have him try to pull a tank with his teeth? Now that I would watch. How does gathering this class show his love for her? There's gotta be more to this. If there isn't, it's doomed.

* The Class is actually two words, but one of them is an article and doesn't count for purposes of this joke.

ABC: It's a Whole New Network

2006-08-26T12:43:00.000-07:00

One thing you'll notice about ABC is that they have eight fricking new shows, some of which feature Ted Danson. This network sucks that bad. Aaargh. Well, let's get this over with...

Lost is still on, and hasn't jumped the shark despite what you might have heard from the unbelievers out there. It's more of a cult, really. A cult of FUN, I mean. Try it, you'll like it. It's much better than Cats.

Besides the eight new shows, ABC still has reality crapola like "Wife Swap," "The Bachelor," "Dancing with Emmitt Smith," "Dancing with Emmit Smith Some More," and so on. And you thought NBC had no ideas. Can the new shows rescue ABC from its body of death? No.

Shows I can't believe are still on:

Everything on the schedule, with the exception of Lost. They should just run commercials from Thursday-Tuesday and see if anyone notices.

New Shows:

Six Degrees -- A bad show masquerading as an interesting one, this is what happens when JJ Abrams decides that Alias and Lost were ok and everything, but he just wants to go back to making crappy boring dramas like Felicity. In this show, strangers' lives interconnect in coincidental ways. It's like Lost without the island or, you know, the being lost. Ask yourself how bad a show with Hope Davis could possibly be, and then tune in for the answer.

The Nine -- Another show that's a multiple of three, this is about nine people who become an unlikely sort of family when they survive a hostage-y bank-robbery. Again, it's seems like a good premise, but it's probably not interesting enough to build an hour-long drama on. The bank robbery itself is told gradually through flashbacks, but will that be enough to get people to tune in every week? No. With ABC, the answer is always no.

Twelve -- Just kidding.

Brothers and Sisters -- It's an Alias reunion as Sloane, Grace, and that psychiatrist Sloane slept with all team up in this ensemble drama about a family that has issues. No, seriously, that's all it's about. There's no coincidences or bank robberies involved, as far as I can tell. If you think a show with that simple a premise is doomed, I present to you Friends. Anyway, I'll probably check out at least one episode, just to see if Sloane's going to run this family the way he did SD6. Also stars Callista Flockhart. Where has she been?

Ugly Betty -- Starting with "produced by Salma Hayek," not one bit of this show's concept sounds in any way good. Check it out: An ugly girl with braces is hired to be the assistant of a fashion magazine's head honcho...She gets humiliated by fashion d-bags every week, but the dumb plucky girl never gives up...It's like ABC saw the success of The Devil Wears Prada and rearranged it...It's an adaption of the "greatest telenovela of all time"... The actress who plays Betty, her real name is America...These are all annoying things, but it still looks like it could be funny. I think something's wrong with me.

The Knights of Prosperity -- Fed up with life, A guy whe makes pithy comments on VH1's "I love the 80's" assembles a group of nobodies and plans to rob Mick Jagger's house and live off the proceeds. Again, this is nothing but the exact reverse of My Name is Earl. Thinking about this show's premise tires me out. Why Mick Jagger? Why robbery? Why not just a sitcom about down-on-their-luck people? Why do they have to turn criminal? Aaargh. I hate ABC.

Men in Trees -- Let's see...from which angle should I approach this? It's like Northern Exposure only with a female relationship counselor instead of a male doctor. Or maybe it's the movie Hitch in Alaska with a female lead. Or maybe it's any story where someone thinks they know everything, but it turns out they knew nothing, and now they're in Alaska and they aren't leaving until they learn. This show also hinges on Anne Heche's likeability, which, ah, we'll see, buddy.

Dear John -- A psychotherapist with love issues (played by a former lead actor in a classic sitcom) counsels a group of people with problems, one of whom is played by Jere Burns. Oh, wait, did I get the name of the show wrong? Hey ABC, if you're going to remake Dear John without a laugh track, you might want to avoid casting the same actors, especially ones as recognizable as Jere Burns. Whither Kirk? Btw, the show is really called Dear John. Wait, I did it again, didn't I? I'll let you guys figure out the name of the show -- it's the one with Ted Danson.

Day Break -- Groundhog Day, only not funny and with a black guy. I'm not kidding. They didn't pick up Mulholland Drive, but they'll let this slide through? They need some better drug screening at ABC.

NBC: Trying to Build around The Office

2006-08-26T10:57:00.000-07:00

One used to be able to keep his TV tuned exclusively to NBC and have a pretty good time. Sure, you had to sit through a Hope & Gloria once in a while, but there was always a Seinfeld around the corner to make things better. These days, however, if your TV is tuned to NBC on any night besides Thursday, you're either a nincompoop, a Law and Order freak, or Dateline's having another one of those shows where they bust pedophiles.

Now, don't get me wrong -- I'd take L&O over CSI any day, as well as Dateline over 20/20* or 60 fricking Minutes. But that's just me. I just like Stone Phillips and pedophile-busting. The question is, as it always is this time of year, does NBC have any new shows that will facilitate its return to glory? Last year brought us the great Jason Lee and Earl, a show which got better as it went on. But how long can Earl Hickey go around crossing things off his list without it getting monotonous? And how many times can Earl say "Hey, crab man," and it still be funny? I'm way too worried about this.

Shows I can't believe are still on the air:

Crossing Jordan -- does this show have an audience? It's on at 7pm on Friday, so maybe it's on its last legs.

Las Vegas -- Yeah, it's got James Caan, Nikki Cox, and Vanessa Marcil. I still don't know anyone who watches it, nor have I heard anyone ever talk about it. It's also on Fridays, so maybe Friday is the graveyard...but where does that leave Law and Order?

The Biggest Loser -- This is a joke show, right? It can't still be on the air, can it? Why isn't anybody answering these questions? I demand satisfaction!

New Shows

30 Rock -- SNL's Tiny Fey, Tracy Morgan, and Rachel Dratch star with noted SNL guest host Alec Baldwin (and ever since I saw Team America, I involuntarily pronounce that in my head "eewec booween.") in a show about the behind-the-scenes world of an SNL-type show. I smell lots of hollywood in-jokes and perhaps a gross career miscalculation on the part of its stars (besides Mr. Morgan, who kinda needs this). If you watch the Yahoo!!!! preview, you'll notice the great Judah Friedlander makes an appearance in the pilot. They must kill him off in the first episode, though -- he's not on the cast list. That's another miscalculation. However, what do I always say is the only criteria for a comedy? That's right, it's gotta be funny. This show looks like it could be funny, especially with Tracy Morgan as an insane sketch-comedy star. As long as they refrain from a lot of jokes about how unfair hollywood is, they might be ok.

If a preview has this many qualifyers, does it really mean anything? Maybe.

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip -- Not only is this another "behind the scenes of a TV show" show, it also has a multiple of 30 in the title. It's not that NBC is out of ideas, they just prefer to use the ones they have at least twice. Anyway, speaking of miscalculations, Amanda Peet stars as a network president, Matthew Perry stars as a Chandler Bing-esque person (I'm not really sure what he does), DL Hughley stars as the insane star of the show (sound familiar?), and the whole thing would be doomed were it not written by Aaron Sorkin. Seriously, its the same show as 30 Rock, only it's an hour long and on at 9:00 Central so it'll probably try to be "edgy." I wonder: Is this same-show thing some sort of joke NBC's playing on America? At least ER and Chicago Hope were on different networks.

90: A Show about a TV Show -- just kidding.

Heroes -- "Ordinary people discover they have extraordinary powers." This sounds like every other movie coming out of hollywood right now, so this show better have something to distinguish itself from all this superhero garbage that we've got floating around out there. It looks like they're going for realism, as in "what would really happen if real people discovered real powers." Of course, in real life these people would become criminals, but we can pretend power doesn't corrupt on TV shows I guess. Weiss from Alias stars as a policeman who can read minds, which would be a handy skill to have. There's also an invulnerable cheerleader (every guy's dream, right? Wait...I don't know what that means) and a dude who can fly. It'll probably be a fancy-looking train-wreck, but I'll probably try to check it out anyway despite the high probability of pointless evolution-speak.

Friday Night Lights -- NBC doesn't just rip off movie concepts, it also adapts actual movies for TV. After viewing the trailer, I'm ready to pronounce the show DOA because it features exactly zero real-sounding or -acting teenagers. This seems like just a show about football, and a boring one at that. I'm kinda sorry I even mentioned it. Gosh, it looks horrible.

Kidnapped -- This is every other kidnapping story, only this time with a former star of China Beach in a lead role. Don't believe me? A billionaire's son has been kidnapped, and the kidnappers tell him not to call the police. The billionaire therefore calls a former FBI guy to investigate. He clashes with the real FBI, who for some reason took some time out from wiretapping us to solve this rich guy's kidnapping. I'm not sure, but I think there might be some twists long the way. If we expect twists, are they really twists anymore? Also, calls from the kidnappers will be cause for high drama, and they'll try to trace the call, with mixed results. I'll never watch this.

Twenty Good Years -- Old people (John Lithgow and the great Jeffrey Tambor) star in a standard laughy sitcom about the realization that we've all wasted our lives. It's sort of a rip-off of Earl, only this time with old people living life to the fullest instead of criminal hicks. I didn't laugh once at the preview. Is that a bad sign? Tambor's great, but not without good writing. Lithgow sounds a little too much like his Third Rock from the Sun character, too. And nobody likes old people anymore. The Golden Girls, only with guys? I think not. If Arrested was still around, this show wouldn't exist. Think about that.

*Speaking of, I saw Hugh Downs (and Joan Lunden) on an infomercial for some "wealth-building" crap last night. If you're one of those two, how can you let your image be sullied by appearing in crank like this? The desk they're sitting on even looks like a cheap infomercial desk. They're not even trying! Are they flat broke? This is Hugh Downs, man. This would be like Mike Wallace shilling for the JuiceMan. What the heck happened here?

Epth Super Fun 2006 Fall TV Preview Introduction

2006-08-26T10:28:00.000-07:00

(I didn't watch the 4 seasons without Jean Smart, so I sure as heck aren't going to watch this one with her. What's next? Delta Burke as a terrorist mastermind?)

The summer is almost over, and do you know what that means? Yes, it means another month and a half of 100+ degree weather here in Dallas, but that's not all...It's time for the Fall TV season! No longer will we be forced to watch sucky reruns, MTV scripted reality dramas, and America's many talents. Fall is when the real TV takes over, kind of like when Britain and France tried to fight Hitler, but then we showed up and were like, "Ok, the real army's here now, never fear," and stuff.

Ok, so it's not like that. Who cares? There's a bunch of new shows to mock!

Last year's preview turned into an extended plea for Neilsen families to watch Arrested Development, which ended up being cancelled 13 episodes in anyway. The good news is, as I reported earlier, G4 is running the show's 53 golden episodes weeknights at 11:30, which now that I think about it I don't know if that's Eastern or Real time. I need to figure that out. Anyway, it's also on the web somewhere, so don't fricking cry if you haven't got G4.

Living in a post-AD world, it's hard to come up with a wishlist for the upcoming TV season. The Office seems like it's on pretty solid ground thanks to a lead-in named My Name is Earl and Steve Carrell's string of hit movies. Lost is going crazy with this summer web-game, and I guess it's good to hope that the Hanso/Mittelwerk/plucky girl detective/Sprite/pointless game didn't kill the actual TV show. I think it'll be fine, though. Alias is mercifully dead (and that last episode seems worse and worse after every season 1-2 rerun I see, btw. They messed up the Lena Olin character bad), SNL is losing half of its cast (prediction: it will actually be funnier...woah, this limb I'm standing on is creaking), Flavor Flav's next failed attempt to find "love" has already started, and I have no real desire to keep all the Americal Idol rip-offs straight in my head anymore.

If you'd like to follow along with this preview at home, go here. I'm doing it by network to help you organize your weekly watching schedules. What's that? You have TiVo and can watch things anytime you want? Well, you should probably work on the last 3 years of 24 before the new season starts. You clearly have no time for reading this. Get on it! Your TiVo demands a time sacrifice!

First up is NBC...

Editorial aside: My wife and I have now tried twice to get into 24, and the pilot episode killed it for us each time. I don't care about any of the characters, the real-time format's novelty wears off in 20 minutes, and it's too over the top for even me. Please forgive me. Next up? Veronica Mars. (?)

Where My TV Preview Will Spawn From...

2006-08-22T11:46:00.000-07:00

...besides my evil mind, of course: Yahoo!!!!'s Fall TV Extravaganza '06, featuring a full episode of the new FOX show "Vanished," one of the many shows that would never have made it to TV if not for Twin Peaks.

I'll be using that site to mock TV later in my Super Great Fun Fall TV Preview. Yahoo!!!!!!! has made itself very functional as of late, even if Yahoo!!!!!!!!! 360 is as dreadful as a Laguna Beach teen's personality. Yahoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! should choose to fight different battles, and stop just trying to beat Google at everything. Sho nuff.

See Kelly Clarkson Drunk

2006-08-21T20:32:00.000-07:00

HERE. (Link is to "Fighting Bob" Wilonsky's post on the Dallas Observer blog, Unfair Park. The video is actually on YouTube.)

What's amazing to me is that the world is finally coming around to my assertion that Kelly Clarkson is probably the closest thing we have to Pat Benatar these days, and that's weird. It's all weird -- the Idol thing, the fact that she can sing, the fact that everybody thinks she's a peach, the fact that she's got a great rock voice, etc. The band even starts playing "Hit Me With Your Best Shot"! Anyway, she manages to blow everybody off the stage with her singing even though she's totally wasted. Actually, she reminds me of someone who's trying to act more wasted than she is -- maybe this whole thing is just a publicity stunt...maybe she's trying to update her image in advance of a rock record release.

The clip is oddly fascinating, isn't it?

A Walk Through the mtv.com Website

2006-08-19T14:42:00.000-07:00

I think it's about time I visited everyone's favorite amoral TV network, don't you? No, I don't mean actually going there and interviewing people or anything -- I prefer to let a company's online presence do the talking. What does one see when one goes to mtv.com? Let me tell you, it's really pretty but also strangely empty, just like the girls on their teenage pseudo-reality shows.

When you pull up their entrance page today (8/19/06), here's what you see (that is, if you have flash installed in your browser): Near the top on the left, ads for many upcoming MTV shows are on an 8-second rotater. They just show pretty pictures with text that says something like, "Ultimate Beyonce'. Watch her work it." I don't know what "it" is, though. These pictures are links to sites that display giant ads for Gatorade and then calm down and give information about the show.

OBSERVATION: The MTV site is so flash-intensive, it's slowing my poor laptop down. The pages take forever to load, and I'm not sre if that's a flash problem, a poor site design problem, or a server problem. Anyway, not only does MTV not want you as a viewer if you're over 22 (or do they?), they don't want you as a surfer if you don't have a new computer. This is age-ism, pure and simple, and I'm not going to stand for it. Well, ok, yes I am, 'cuz I don't care.

The main things being advertised these days on the rotater are the new season of Laguna Beach (feat. 6 new girls and 3 new jerks, er, guys! Plus reappearances by Jessica and several Alexes! This time, they're edited in such a way that they're guaranteed to all be repellent! Yayyyy! And on the website picture, the girls all appear to be wearing stylish shiny cloth bags!), the new MTV show Two-a-Days (a pseudo-reality show about high school football in the south. This actually looks good), the by-now-totally-irrelevant VMA's (hosted by Jack Black), and "watch Beyonce' work it" (which links to MTV Overdrive, MTV's broadband content centerpiece. When Overdrive comes up, you don't see Beyonce'. This probably ticked somebody off.)

In the middle of the screen there's a spinning MTV News cube, and in its section are links to stories about Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera, and others. When you click on a news story, you get an actual news story, and that's good. However, a flash animation ad also attacks you as you try to read the story, and that's evil.

RECCOMMENDATION: Don't surf mtv.com with anything other than Firefox, and that only if you've got "AdBlock" installed. Otherwise, you're just a pair of eyeballs to be advertised to, and they have you right where they want you.

There's also something called "Urge," which takes you to an outside link (www.urge.com). It sensed that I needed to be using Internet Explorer, though. Those jerks just want me to stop blocking their ads. Ok, fine, I'll try it...

In internet explorer now, it turns out "Urge" is just a $14.95/month music download site with extra blogs from some of music's "leading voices." Hopefully that doesn't mean Christina Aguilera, who has nothing of value to say. Wow, that's a horrible thing to say about somebody. Prove me wrong, Chrissy. Talk about something besides being a dirrrrty fighter.

But let's forget about all that boring stuff and go to the whole point of mtv.com: Overdrive, the "extra" show content you can only find on mtv.com. When that comes up, the first thing you see is an ad for some crap you don't want. Then, you can click on whatever "aftershow" you want to watch (they're really just boring presentations of stuff that only rabid fans want to watch, i.e., a tour of Zyndra from Laguna Beach's house from her vapid point of view), and another ad comes up and assaults you before you get to see what you clicked on. It's typical commercialized broadband timewaste hell, and therefore, I give MTV Overdrive an F for both content and character.

OBSERVATION NOT RELATED TO OVERDRIVE, BUT INSTEAD TO KYNDRA, WHO IS ON OVERDRIVE: Kyndra, as you might imagine, is a self-absorbed fashion queen who doesn't stop to think for one second about her opulent lifestyle and its inflated importance in her life. She also never stops to think that she has been arbitrarily awarded a posession-filled life, and with that life comes responsibility. She also never thinks about what her possessions cost her or where the money comes from, except in a braggy way. These are snap judgements I'm making after watching a 7-minute MTV-edited clip of her (and carrying the baggage of 1000 other MTV "Young Reality Stars" that came before her), so take them with a grain of salt. I'm uncomfortable with writing this about a real teenage girl, but I think society needs to point out the absurdity of it all so we can grow past it as a people. Plus, she signed the waiver and gave her body and soul to MTV, and her parents just sat back with dollar signs in their eyes. The sad part? Little girls will totally look up to her.

Kyndra also likes "shabby chic," old crosses (because they look "gaudy," or "God-y," I couldn't tell which), taking her dog shopping with her (yick), and as many gold accessories as she can fit on her fake-tanned body. She also bolts her windows shut so that her sister can't come in and steal her clothes. The parents clearly have full control of things.

In other MTV news, the velociraptorization of Hillary Duff continues. She's clearly still competing with Lyndsey Lohan, this time in the category of having a disturbing life. Instead of just getting trashed every night, Hillary has decided to turn herself into a half-girl/half-dinosaur. Soon she will be able to take Lyndsey's head off with one bite.

Time to Take a Stand

2006-08-17T17:40:00.000-07:00

Today I saw a very disturbing ad on the TV -- it was for the bad Robin Williams family movie RV. No, Mr. Williams' mugging wasn't the disturbing part. It was the very end of the ad, when a disembodied voice said that this giant flaming bag o' crap was available in "DVD and Blu-ray disk." All of a sudden we've decided that "Blu-ray" is the High-Definition disk of choice for America just because Sony said so? Like we'd ever pick something with such a dumb name. We need to unite and make them name it something better, or just pick a different format altogether. An American format. How about "Freedom Disks"? Wait, you're right -- that's just as dumb. How about simply calling them HD disks? You know, this is exactly how that whole DVD+/DVD- RAM/ROM thing happened. Think about it.

Oh, and America? You don't have talent. Just because 10 million people watch that bad show doesn't make it true. A dude with bad hair just played "We Will Rock You" using water glasses. This is the kind of thing that succeeds on Japanese TV, not American.

I really don't have a point here, admittedly. I probably should have led with that fact. It all seems so anti-Japan. As a counterpoint: Anime.

My Hectic Life Continues

2006-08-16T21:09:00.000-07:00

Dear reader, I keep letting you know these things because I have to tell someone...

Tomorrow is my first day of teaching. I'm teaching computers 3 days a week to grades 1-6, though for grades 1-2 I'm going to be more of a facilitator and fact-checker than a teacher, I suspect. This is my first time being entrusted with the job of cramming knowledge into the heads of schoolkids, and I really want to succeed. Tomorrow, I'm just going over some classroom rules and basics.

Oh, and it was just last week that I learned I was going to be doing this through my current job. I had suspicions, but it wasn't firmed up until late last week. How exactly this all happened is a funny story that I can't get into right now, but it ends with me teaching grade-schoolers. Hey, why not? I just started a new job and moved into a new apartment clear across town -- Massive and uncomfortable change is just par for the course these days. I would rather have a birdie, but I don't know where that leaves the analogy.

Strangely, I'm not nervous. If all else fails, I'll just blather on and on about "being careful around the cords" as the kids just stare at the screen for a half-hour. I've got big plans for this year, but time will tell whether I get the planning time and on-the-fly-training to accomplish them all.

I need to tell my Microcenter story soon, too. One guy is clamoring for it, and I'd hate to disappoint my fan(s). I'm formulating it in my mind:

Chapter One: "General Sales," or how to succeed in business without selling extended warranties.

Chapter Two: "The R. Years," or how the collapse of the tech market came suddenly and without warning, causing layoffs and confusion and no raises.

Chapter Three: "The S. Years," or "Let's see how much we can impose upon a man before he breaks."

Chapter Four: "The Final Battle," or, Mike finally wises up to their games.

Should be a blockbustah. Maybe I'll bounce some of my ideas off the kids tomorrow.

Um...see if you can spot what's wrong with this...

2006-08-13T15:27:00.000-07:00

From the instruction booklet for one of my wife's products:

"Do not use if you are not able to see well enough to read the instruction booklet."

Tour of My New-ish Apartment

2006-08-12T09:14:00.000-07:00

Well, I finally joined the early 2000’s and got a wireless network set up at my crib. It was totally by accident, as I got the access point for free from my boss, who was going to get rid of it because it’s old and not cool anymore. But after much frustration and headache, I got it working here. Sitting in this cool chair in the living room with no wires attached to my computer, I am able to get on the internet and see every stupid thing it has to offer, even the Star Wars Kid and the Wauwatosa, WI site on Myspace. Also, if I wanted to, I could connect to several other peoples’ unsecured wireless networks around here. If I were poor and had no scruples but a ton of gumption, I would totally cancel my Comcast/Warner cable internet and just mooch off the people around me. Take my friendly computing advice: Use a fricking WEP key. Otherwise, you’ll get nothing but hop-ons all day. Do you drive around in a stair-car? No? Then don't surf around on the stair-internet.

I wonder if Irving, my new city, has a wireless connection anywhere or everywhere. There’s certainly enough white people in northern Irving to get that done. I’m sure I could go to the Starbucks down the block or something, but it’s much more fun to get community internet. I feel like I’m getting something for the taxes other people around me pay. Plus, I don’t want Starbucks watching me and figuring out ways to sell me latte’s.

My wife had the brilliant idea of me going around to different rooms in my apartment and blogging about them as I sit there, now that we've settled in slightly. I don't know if this is going to work, or if it will be super-boring, but we're going to try it anyway.

I'm currently wirelessly sitting on the floor in front of the 27-inch TV in the living room. It's sitting in an otherwise empty entertainment center that is just barely big enough for it. I know from experience that the entertainment center weighs about a buhzillion pounds. Behind me is our "sectional," and I am leaning against it. I remember going to sectionals in High School. To the left of the entertainment center is a giant black & white picture. The picture is of my and my wife's heads. There are some other things on the ledge that we haven't put up yet. We had to put up the heads first. There are some upacked boxes on the floor, but way less than there were a week ago. To the right of the TV are some empty boxes, a ledge covered in all sorts of miscellaneous crap, and a blonde wooden bar stool. Under the shadow of the bar stool is a hefty bag full of shoes we're throwing out. Don't worry, we still have a buhzillion more pairs of shoes in the closet by the Master Bathroom. But more on that later.

Beyond the wall behind the TV lies the dining "room," an itty-bitty box of space which I am now sitting in. I can no longer tell what the people on TV are saying, but that's ok because it's just season one of Laguna Beach grinding to a standstill. The dining room table is one of those tall tables that are in vogue these days. The table is covered in boxes, and the only other things of note in this foxhole are the hutch in the corner (which I can't see because of the boxes) and the light above the table that split open my nose when I first moved in. This used to be the coldest room in the house before I closed the vent. Now let's get out of here because I'm getting no wireless signal and I'm illogically paranoid that my wireless card will forget how to connect.

On the floor of the kitchen is my dog Allie, and she's pantingly anticipating a shipment of popcorn from the microwave. She had been lethargic and clingy all day, until my wife got out the popcorn. This is a big kitchen, way bigger than the kitchen we used to have or the dining room we currently have. It has a ton of counter-space in a u-shape that also contains an enamel double death sink and a futuristic electric stove with the hot surface that glows red rather than the exposed metal circles. If I was smarter I'd know the name for that. Anyway, I love the stove and I haven't even used it yet. It makes me feel like I'm in space. Gimme some Tang.

The cabinets are wooden and plentiful, and the kitchen is completely unpacked. I'll spare you descriptions of the spices and the flour, but you should know that we have poultry rub and we aren't afraid to use it. Ok, that's not true -- we are afraid to use it. We have no idea what it is.

Also on the counter is a bunch of stuff we never use, like coffee filers, a cookie jar, and a bread maker. I think we've made bread once in the last five years. Also useless are the things on top of the cabinets way up by the ceiling, things such as the "pasta bike," the "waffle maker," and the "wok." They are useless in the sense that we never use them any more. Maybe I'll make Allie ride the pasta bike, just to get my money's worth out of the thing.

The laundry room (really more of a closet) is part of the kitchen, and there's a new washer and dryer in there that we had to do touch-up painting on because Sears is evil. We buy the extended warranty, and they have the audacity to give us grief when we want them to come out and fix the paintjob on the brand new washer/dryer set that they messed up. We just paid them $1200, and they can't even install the things to our satisfaction? What kind of Tim Burton-esque nightmare world do we live in here? Did I wake up in Guam?

The only room that borders the kitchen is the living room, and the ledge o' crap isn't enough to stop me from hearing Kristen crying because she has to break up with Stephen. Like she has any real feelings. I'm getting a crappy signal in here as well, so let's try to reconnect, shall we? I'll meet you in the bedroom.

Our master bedroom kicks all kinds of butt. Our bed (header and footer) was purchased on sale from a guy with a funny voice at Mattress Giant. They should change the name, because they got some nice affordable beds there. It's made of a brown metallic substance and it's about as classy as we'll get. There's a file cabinet to the right of the bed that's serving very dutifully as an end table. Unfortunately, there are a couple of Precious Moments figurines on it rght now. On the other side of the bed is an empty wooden bookcase (all our books are in the closet of the 2nd bedroom right now -- they'll probably be the last thing we unpack, because they're so stinking heavy) that I'm using to hold up a clock-radio that doubles as our alarm. It's on my side of the bed (the right side) because I'm pretty sure my wife doesn't know how to use it. In fact, sometimes I think that's half of the reason she keeps me around.

In the corner of the room next to the bookcase is our dog's house, which is where we have to put her during rainstorms these days. If left to her own doggie devices, Allie will immediately unleash her bowels on the carpet when she hears thunder. This is unacceptable, but thankfully she doesn't mind her little house so much. It's her safe place in a world of evil thunder and vaccuum cleaners and basically anything bigger than her that makes noise or isn't nailed down.

Our dressers are on either side of the room, only my wife's is by my side of the bed and mine is by her side. It's a bad system, but I don't feel like moving them. On her dresser (and my side of the bed) is our old TV and VCR. I'm convinced that the reception is better since we moved here and got Comcast/Time/Warner/Megalopoly Cable TV. I can see Dayle Hinman's makeup more clearly now, I swear. The glare on the TV during the day is bad because we have two big windows in this room. It gets hot in the morning with the sun blasting through, too. It's kinda sad because we really like windows, but we never get to use them in the 105 degree heat. I can't wait for fall.

The Master Blaster Bathroom is off the bedroom across from the bed. It's got what the brochure called a "Roman Tub," which is from what I can tell just a bigger, deeper bathtub. My wife likes it, though. Our shower curtain is a brown froofy thing my wife calls "The sexiest shower curtain ever." I like it, but I don't know about all that. The only other thing of note in here (generic tile, generic shower, generic colors) is the fact that it has two sinks, so two people could theoretically get ready at one time if they had to. Oh, and above the mirrors are a line of those clear bulb lights that you see in movie dressing rooms. Wowza.

Off the bathroom is the Master Blaster Closet, which has a floor covered in my wife's shoes. Remember, we also have a bag of shoes we're throwing out. Not to be too generic guy/girl here, but this is a problem I see no solution for. At least she put her sandals (known up to five years ago as "thongs") upright in a little basket. We'll see if that lasts.

The rest of the MB Closet is filled with my ridiculously out-of-style clothes. Man, it's hot in this bathroom. Let's get out of here.

On the other side of the apartment from the Master Blaster stuff is the computer room, otherwise known as the "office," otherwise known (quite optimistically) as the "second bedroom." The corner of the room holds our cool new glass desk with the laptop computers on either side (very rarely are the both there, now that we've gone wireless). Our big ol' 17-inch monitor is in the center of the desk, and is in many ways the centerpiece of the room. We should probably rethink that. The monitor is connected to both our desktop computers via a KVM switch. Yes, I love technology. Always and forever.

Also on the cool glass desk are the entire set of Homestar Runner figurines, which I rediscovered in an ornate christmas goblet during our move. I just had to get them involved. They were like the first thing I unpacked. The goblet is on the desk, too, along with some generic "computer stuff." In fact, this room is filled with all of our computer stuff, CD's, books, games, and just about any miscellanous household item you can think of. It's like our catch-all room. Office supplies? Check. Pads of paper? Check. Guitar? Check? Cords for electronic devices we no longer own? Check. Winter Clothes? Check. Excess bedsheets? Check. See what I mean?

The other big item in this room is the daybed, which we had to disassemble to get in here. I really like it, though. It's got a bunch of cool pillows on it and stuff. Next to the daybed is another empty bookcase, looking lonely. But forget that -- it's time for the junk room!

The junk room is the "other bathroom," and it's filled with all sorts of stuff that should be unpacked and functional, but aren't. There are six semi-packed boxes in here, as well as a couple of bags, a few tupperware containers, and a magazine basket. At least the toilet works, though. The bad thing about this bathroom is the fan switch is closer to the door than the light switch, so every time I come in here I turn the fan on instead of the light. Maybe that's why we haven't unpacked these boxes -- it's too much trouble just to get the room lighted.

That's it...you're done. Wasn't that tedious? I hope not.

Reality Shows Lead to Breakups

2006-08-10T20:20:00.000-07:00

I'll spare you the links to the stupid stories, but you need to know of an epidemic that's sweeping the nation: Couples from "We're so stinking in love" reality-TV shows are breaking apart like Baghdad buildings.

Overrated guitarist Dave Navarro and former "Dumbest Woman in the World" contestant Carmen Electra are calling it quits. Their show was nothing but lies.

Off-puttingly overmohawked Blink-182 drummer (Something) Barker is getting divorced from his unlikely wife, former Miss USA (?) and clean blonde southern belle Shanna Moakley. The kicker? He's filing for divorce from her. This was another show that was filled with lies, and I think theirs went two seasons.

Not to spoil the second lumbering season of The Hills, but Lauren and that terrible stumpman Jason have broken up. Yeah, this was bound to happen, but we'll count it as part of the epidemic anyway. I'm sure she'll take him back for no reason again in 6 months, because that's what girls who drop out of college do.

...that came out way too judgey, and I apologize. But girl's gotta learn before she ends up married to a Jason or a Talan or a Stephen or some other blank piece of doo-doo with too much money and no soul. Jason practically had horns. What took her so long?

These three join Flav and Brigitte, Nick and Jessica, Flav and Hoopz, and countless other bachelors and bachelorettes who have "found love" on the TV. Rob and Ambuh, Wes and Cher (from Beauty and the Geek II, which nobody besides me watched), Brady Bunch and Model-Chick, and the Osbournes had better watch out before they find themselves on opposite sides of the canyon of love.

Zero Tolerance Policy

2006-08-10T07:36:00.000-07:00

You can't swing a cat these days without hitting somebody espousing a zero tolerance policy about something. Whether it be drunk driving, cussing on TV, asprin in public schools, or not having one's car-topper lit, every entity in power these days seems to think that zero tolerance is a great idea. It saves them from having to resonably consider a punishment, you see -- you broke "the law," so you get the assigned punishment, and that's just the way it is so don't bother complaining about it. It's ironic that in such an enlightened and tolerant age we have gravitated towards "zero tolerance" as a way to deter people from doing bad things. Could it be that our so-called "tolerance" is nothing but an excuse not to think about things that are difficult? Could it be that tolerance becomes zero tolerance at the precise moment that we have to consider the consequences? We say, "We can tolerate you until you annoy us...at that point, we must completely stop you."

But who gets to decide which behavior is annoying, and therefore outlawed? Who gets to decide what behaviors are tolerated, and therefore celebrated?*

Since nobody can satisfactorily give me an answer to that question, I will fill in the power vacuum myself. All questions or concerns should be directed to your mom.

Things I Will No Longer Tolerate.

1) People hitting-and-running me with their oversized pickup-truck tires. Yes, this happened a couple of weeks ago, and I've been mad ever since. After floor-buffing the side of my car, the bastardo in the white truck pretended like he was going to stop, then sped away. He caused $1600 dollars in damage with his little side-swiping maneuver. I bet he feels like a winner because he didn't get caught. He should consider himself lucky I didn't have this zero-tolerance policy three weeks ago, because man, he'd be intolerated.

2) The idea that Terrell Owens is "misunderstood." Yes, his childhood was terrible (if you believe his book). However, he seems to have no desire to change, which takes the edge off any sympathy I might feel towards him. If you think he's misunderstood, read this: He's an infantile and insane money-grubbing scum who doesn't realize his problems with the media are his own fault. Either that, or he's a self-aware WWE-style fake "bad guy." It's one of those two things. There you go, now you understand him. See how easy that was?

3) Insane Papa John's Delivery Drivers. There's the guy who's working on picking all the rubber coating off the corner of the wall by the driver's station, the guy who gave his two weeks 3 months ago and who doesn't want me touching his car, the guy who takes boxes home every day, the guy who's a hick and won't talk to me, the cental american guy, the guy who steals deliveries and everybody knows it, the guy who drives really slow and wears his pants too high, and the guy who does origami. Actually, the Oregai guy's ok. Anyway, who can work in an environment like this? Of course, I love them all, but its very trying.

4) Mohawks. Seriously. It started when some frat idiots began pushing their hair towards the top of their head for no reason, and now every brick-head in the world is trying to look like a late-70's punk-rocker. The only person who should have a mohawk is Mr. T. The next time I see one of these, I'm going to attempt to machete it. Seriously. Because I have a machete.

5) Keanu Reeves Soiling-Up Otherwise Good Movies. A Scanner Darkly joins an ever-growing list of films that would have been a lot better had they cast someone better in the lead. This has been going on for way too long. They have to know they're ruining these movies. What is it going to take to get him back into "dude"-based screwball comedies? A bat? 'Cuz I got one of those, too.

6) Impoliteness. When I open the door for you, say "thank you." Failure to do so makes me think you think you're better than me, which you aren't. I'll say "you're welcome" anyway, and you'll feel like a dope. Even worse are the people who don't hold the door for you, because it's too much trouble and they need to get to pilates or something. This is all terrible behavior, totally indicating a bad childhood and failed parents. I'm sorry about your bad life, but hold the door for me. I'll say "thank you," I promise.

7) 107-degree heat. I didn't move to Phoenix. I moved to Dallas. Dal-las. It gets to be 100 here, not 105 for a week. Poor homeowners can't even water their lawns. It's disgusting. If this happens again, the world needs to build a giant air conditioner and point it at Dallas.

8) Bad Refereeing. Let's say you're on a journey to a castle, and you're trying to beat an accursed rival there. Let's say that you arrive at the castle's location, only to find that it has been airlifted 20 miles closer to your accursed rival. That's what bad refereeing is like, and not even Mark Cuban can stop it. Dirk Nowitski, I feel your pain.

9) Kirstie Alley

10) Bad, pretentious food. The French invented most of this crap, and it's served with sauce zigzagged over it to distract from the fact that the portions are Rhode-Island-sized and taste like leather. It also costs too much. You know you like steak (or, if vegan, tofu steak-esque) better, so just eat it and stop trying to look cool.

11) DRM. How did the Big Five Music Scumpanies decide to stem the rising tide of music sharing over the internet? By breaking the one product they do sell that means anything -- CD's. Now we're practically forced to go elsewhere for music that won't break our computers. It's 2006 -- can't computers and music coexist peacefully yet? I'd ask congress for help, but congress has an Orrin Hatch in it, and he hates computers. On the flip side, DRM would be a great rap name.

12) Rising interest rates. New Fed Chairman Greenspan II has done nothing but raise interest rates for fear of "inflation." How is inflation going to hurt us when people have no money? How is it going to grow when gas prices are artificially keepng it down? Greenspan II kept rates steady this week for the first time in a while, which means that he thinks the economy is slowing down. Thanks for ruining the economy, you blockhead. The sad part is we were just starting to get out from under the 9-11 economic dust cloud, and now nobody has any money again. Oh, and thanks for preventing me from buying a house, too. That was great. Why can't we just lower the rates down to zero and see what happens? Is that really any worse than this?

13) Creating a great TV show, getting screwed around by a network for 2 straight years, getting cancelled, being resurrected by another network, then quitting because you "can't take it anymore," leaving the show's fans holding nothing but reruns and DVDs with frowns on their faces. Mitch Hurwitz, I'm talking to you.

* This is footnoted because I don't feel like taking the time to fit this point into the body of this post, but the word "tolerance" has come to denote almost a worshipful attitude towards something, as opposed to merely tolerating it. We even expect people to put aside their religious beliefs if we (as a society) deem something "tolerable." Think I'm overstating this? Listen to liberal news commentary for 5 minutes and you'll be amazed with the vitriol directed at the "religious right." There's no tolerance for religious beliefs if they get in the way of general, non-religious tolerance. This is why we're probably all dead, and you can use whatever antecedent you'd like for the pronoun "we."

People Who Made Horrible Choices

2006-08-09T22:22:00.000-07:00

You know, I was going to make fun of Maurice Clarett getting chased down by 5-0, tazered, and arrested with four loaded guns, a hatchet, and a bulletproof vest in his car. I was going to say he set a new standard for "keeping it real." But Maurice Clarett is a real person who was betrayed by his ego into making several disastrous choices in a very short period of time. The new poster-child for brash and pointless egotism, he's now going to go to jail for a while. According to this fascinating espn.com article, it seems like he's made some sort of peace with himself and the choices that he's made. I don't have any idea what its like to make such bad choices...Ok, maybe I do. But I don't know what it's like to think that carrying around a small arsenal is a good idea. He was clearly paranoid, but of what? And was the threat real?

He was arrested near the house of a man set to testify against him in an armed robbery trial. This robbery was one of those bad choices I was talking about. Was he going to flat-blast the witness? Did he just happen to be in a place that looks extremely suspicious? That's for the police to sort out. All I know is, we're all about ten bad decisions away from driving around with four loaded guns and a bulletproof vest, so don't get too comfortable. And stop all that bad stuff you're doing, lest you turn out like Mr. Clarett.

Read this article from YAHOOOOO.

2006-08-08T22:00:00.000-07:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060809/ap_on_he_me/morgellons_cdc

I know it's too late to be posting, but this morgellons thing is crazy. Hundreds of people claim to be suffering from crawling skin and weird vein-like lines. Is it a real thing? Is it a bit? Is it psychosomatic? Is there any satisfactory explanation?

Perhaps it's finally the end of the world.

It's way too late to be posting.

Things I learned at work yesterday (nerds only)

2006-08-08T06:19:00.000-07:00

I fixed three computers at work yesterday, and learned a very valuable lesson on each. Isn't life super-great? Look out:

1) Always check the router in the closet. After a power surge, you may not think the business you're at is large enough to warrant a router in a closet. You might think that switch by the server is the one that controls everything. You might be wrong. I learned that you always must check all potential closets for the routers first, because you'll waste everybody's time if you don't.

2) SBC/Yahoo is sending cable modems with routing technology built-in, so if you have an existing router you're screwed. Seriously, you have to disable the original router so the brand-new pointless "2-wire cable modem router" can route things. If you don't, the two routers will just stare at each other like a fat kid stares at cake, and you won't be able to surf the internet, which defeats the purpose of having SBC/Yahoo in the first place.

3) When that "cable" light on your cable modem is blinking, that means that either your cable modem or the line itself is mocking you, and there's nothing your local computer guy can do until Comcast (actually, Time/Warner -- probably Time Magazine, actually) sends a dude out to do testing on the modem and the line. Really, there's nothing we can do, and we told you this last week. Please stop calling us, because you're far away and nobody likes you.

But seriously, I love my job.

Good News and Bad News

2006-08-05T18:52:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody, I know you come to me for news, so I feel obligated to report that the US and France have come to an agreement about a cease-fire in the Middle East. Getting these two giants to put aside their differences was a near-impossible task, and kudos to the UN for making such a moment possible.

Wait...my sources are telling me that it's actually Israel and Hezbollah that are fighting, so the UN agreement is worthless and quite frankly puzzling. Doesn't the UN ever get tired of broadcasting their irrelevance to the world? Their logo should include a nude emperor.

My wife is listening to Corinna Bailey Ray right now, and she is telling all you girls to go ahead and let your hair down. It's 101 degrees here today, Corinna -- you crazy?

I'll close this with some youtube links. I don't embed them because, well, it's too much work. That should tell you exactly how lazy I am -- too lazy to cut-and-paste some code.

For the onset of NFL football, here's a great moment from days (unfortunately) gone by.

What if I told you there was once a pilot for a TV show that starred Jack Black, Owen Wilson and Ron Silver? What if I also told you that it was produced by Ben Stiller? What if I told you it was never picked up? What if I told you it was about a former astronaut(Black) and his talking motorcycle (Wilson) on the run from psychotic NASA operative (Silver, as himself)? Would you be interested? Well, here's the entire 30-minute pilot episode of Heat Vision and Jack, if you've got the time. It has its moments.

(The only reason I'm aware of this is my friend Glenn's knowledge of one Rob Schrab, who co-wrote Heat Vision and Jack. The reason this is important? Mr. Schrab finally got a project through hollywood -- it's called Monster House, and it's in theaters right now. I'm not sure, but I think I remember Glenn saying that Rob Schrab was a big fat jerk. Take all of this any way you want, because I'm informatively rambling.)

Hours of fun can be spent watching this one-minute bad idea from the Dallas Mavericks promo dept: The Avery Bunch. You have to watch the individual players and where they're looking. It cracks me up every time.

Finally, another thing that never fails to crack me up, from KTCK the Ticket in Dallas. A guy named Alexi decided he was going to fill in for their one-minute "Ticket Ticker" segment and realizes it's harder than it seems. Audio File.

I've Got Some Questions For You

2006-08-05T08:28:00.000-07:00

Why do girls like shiny things so much? If they liked them even a little bit less, they would be a lot less expensive, and they could buy (or be bought) more of them. It's simple economics. Can't all you gals get together and take a break from worshipping jewelry for a couple of months, for the greater good? I promise there will be many more baubles on the other side...

Wait...you're right, trying to get rich teenagers to postpone any gratification is like trying to get Terrell Owens to admit any wrongdoing. Forget it. The jewelers have won this round. Maybe the next generation of girls will be less rigid in their materialism.

Of course you know I'm not referring to you, my female readership. I love you guys. Girls. Women. Stateswomen.

Why is there a dead bug on this glass desk? At least it's dead, but it's still a bad sign.

Why did thieves steal six urine samples from a Waukesha lab? As a follow-up question, why does the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel feel the need to come up with headlines like this? Ok, so it's kinda funny. But still, this is a serious daily newspaper, not the New York Post.

In this day and age of $3.00-a-gallon gas, how do kids still have the money to "cruise?" A new Culver's Frozen Custard on Hwy 100 on the South Side (pronounced "sout sieeede") of Milwaukee decided to drum up business by having a "Muscle Car Show," whatever that is. Well, people started showing up with their overblown muscle cars, and before the police knew it people were "cruising" up and down that stretch of Hwy 100 like they did when I was 12. Police hate cruising because they hate any gathering of people that doesn't have a real purpose. Ok, maybe they just hate any gathering of people. Culver's lost control of it, and now pandora's box of pointless cruising has been opened. Mmm...frozen custard.

Is Reggie White the greatest defensive football player of all time? Yes, but I'm biased because he came to my little college in Wisconsin and spoke once, telling us that Jesus was the only way to reconcile the races in America. I think there's a lot of wisdom in that statement. I'm sure I've gone into probably too much depth (that's "epth" with a "d") in the past about Reggie White and my conflicted view of him. On this day of his posthumous induction into the Pro Football Hall of Fame, I'll just celebrate his on-the-field superhuman-ness, and thank him for bringing several players and an NFL championship back where it belongs. I mean Green Bay, you ninny.

If it's 90 degrees outside, why does it feel like 105 already?
Ed. note: Epth Nation is angry -- ANGRY -- with Mr. Mel Gibson and his irresponsible behavior, and will not be asking any questions about him until this whole thing cools down. Normally, Epth Nation would be all over a story of celebrity worship and woe, but we actually like(d) Mr. Gibson. Nothing like letting your personal failings inject themselves into the "debate" on whether or not real Christianity is anti-semitic, and this when the Israelis are warring against our mortal enemies. Grr...

I wrote this on Jan. 8, 1981.

2006-08-03T19:03:00.000-07:00

The Young Deer that were Saved by Sashacaput

Hunters are shooting the deer in Oklahoma. One fawn was getting revenge. Sashacaput was his name.

Sashacaput saved many deer by pushing hunters. Once he saved himself by outrunning a tiger. This year he was named "deer warden" by the deer.

Sashacaput had once in a day pushed all the hunters into the bushes.

The next day the first time he got outside he was almost shot. He fought for his life. Sashacaput pushed all the hunters except one. He destroyed that one.

That's how the deer in Oklahoma got freedom. So get away from Sashacaput because you'll find yourself in the bushes if you don't.

The End.

(I was 8 years old and in 3rd grade when I wrote this story. It kinda sounds like something Napoleon Dynamite would come up with. It's probably still the highlight of my writing career, and it probably tells you way more than you need to know about young Mike and what was on his mind. I think it would make a good movie, don't you? Call me.)

note: This story has been modified from its original version. "Destroyed" was underlined, not bolded.

Addendum to last post.

2006-08-03T12:36:00.000-07:00

I forgot the best part of the MLM/Gas cap situation. As she's giving me her insane sales pitch, her phone rings. She picks it up, puts it to her ear, then hangs up. I thought, "Hmm...how strange." About a minute later the phone rings again, and she lets the machine pick it up. I hear a woman's voice say, "____, this can't be solved by you hanging up all the time, now..." before she cut off the machine. Maybe it was a disgruntled MLM or gas cap scam-ee.

This is not one of the 4 posts, by the way.

Gas Caps and MLM and You

2006-08-03T11:30:00.000-07:00

I just got done with a computer job for this 50-60-year-old woman in hair curlers. After I finished, she stopped me and gave me one of her cards. Apparently, she sells "gas caps" (gas extension pills you pop into your tank when filling up) to make extra money. She claimed to be saving $7-$9 on a tank of gas while using these caps despite the mounting evidence that they are completely ineffective. Then she tells me that if I sign up to sell these things, and sign up two people, I get a cut of their sales, too, and the sales of the people they sign up, and so on. So not only is it a scam on the consumer, it's a pyramid scheme for the seller as well. Oh, the crazy ways people are separated from their money. I just could not believe it was Multi-Level Marketing. Doesn't everybody know that MLM is illegal and doomed? I was surprised she didn't have a large sum of cash tied up in Nigeria as well.

4 more posts coming in the next 4 days. Believe it.

Piers Anthony is Totally Rolling over in his Living Grave Right Now

2006-07-30T21:13:00.000-07:00

Because of this show.

On a pale horse, anyone?

He better be getting some cash for this, is all I'm saying. Not that he needs any more.

All Your Bass Are Belong to Us.

2006-07-29T20:12:00.000-07:00

So, a lot of stuff happened since my last real post. Being too busy to share my thoughts with the world was driving me absolutely bonkers. This is like therapy for me, or at least TheraFlu for me.

Turns out Lance Bass is gay, first of all (not that it's any of your business). This is like Jim J. Bullock coming out. Who's next -- that skinny former MTV VJ named Jessie who looked like he was high and on stilts all the time? Any of the Backstreet Boys? Dean Cain?

I predict something similar from the Backstreet Boys, LFO, 98 Degrees, O-Town, and Hootie and the Blowfish over the next couple of weeks. Gotta keep up with the NSYNCses, after all. This is how music works, and its why Christina Aguilera wants to get married and have babies all of a sudden.

Alright, having gotten that Bass thing out of the way, I'm going to take you on a journey that leads to a good place, but you have to follow me, ok? We start with the fact that last week we moved from sunny Richardson to sunny and brighter Valley Ranch. Our new apartment is AWESOME, and yes, that did need to be in all caps to express the sentiment properly. As I explained in this post, we are close to all sorts of cool stuff. (side note: Peeps, now would be a good time to visit. All y'all, come on down and live in luxury with us. We've got a proper guest room and everything, kinda. Anyway, the place is bigger. Come on!) The move was a lot of work, especially for my wife. I was working two jobs and moving at the same time -- as well as dealing with insurance stuff, leaving my car at the shop and getting my sweet rental SUV -- and on top of that my two jobs were being especially ornery and taking up a lot of time. It was terrible. Bleah.

But we're finally here after moving all our big stuff yesterday, and with a new apartment comes new responsibility and a new ISP, Comcast. Today I hooked my brand new cable internet connection up, and I couldn't figure out why it was going so slow. After 3 hours of dinosaur hell, I discovered the free ethernet cable COMCAST SUPPLIED ME WITH was slowing the works down. After fixing that problem, Comcast high-speed cable Death Internet is indeed faster than DSL. Those talking lizards were right. If only they didn't sabotage you with their speed-killing cables of death. Pity the non-computer-savvy user who uses one of them -- they might never know what the internet is supposed to look like.

We also have a new cable provider, which is also Comcast. We have a few new channels, one of which is my new favorite channel...G4. I love tech nerd TV that tries to be cool. It's so much like me. Anyway, just when I had decided that G4 was my new favorite channel, I see this news:

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT IS COMING TO G4 IN SYNDICATION! Why does G4 want AD? Nobody knows. Do we care? No. Do I like asking questions to myself that I already know the answer to? Yes.

If you read the article, you'll see that the 53 AD episodes are also being webcast on the Evil Empire's MSN. But try not to think about that. Yes, I'll probably have all the DVD's by then (did S3 ever come out, I wonder?), but it'll still be good to turn on G4 and see Tobias Funke bopping around. Here's a quote from an MSN evil operative that makes my TV mouth water:

"The beauty of distributing an entire series online--especially a series like Arrested, where the audience is so passionate--is that we can build an immersive world around the show," Rob Bennett, MSN's general manager of entertainment and video services, told the Hollywood Reporter.

I'd like to see that immersive world, Rob. Where can I sign up to be part of your evil Microsoft stormtrooper army?

See? I told you the journey would end in a happy place.

Now check out this band, right now. They're Midlake, and they're from the Dallas area. Not quite the best ever death metal band out of Denton, but they're something else entirely.

Craziest Week Ever

2006-07-27T21:46:00.000-07:00

VH1 should have this show, and it should star me, Mike Pape. We're moving, and I'm working insane hours this week. Hence, no new posts. The good news is the move unearthed some great things that I'll be posting here, if I find I haven't posted them yet. Stories from my youth, one from way back in 1981.

I can't wait to be done with this move. Nighty night.

Let's Talk about Me.

2006-07-22T17:58:00.000-07:00

NBC is showing the Miami Vice TV pilot, and there's no experience quite like watching Phillip Michael Thomas as Tubbs lip-synching to "Somebody's Watching Me." Not only that, but I still knew all the words to the stupid song. It was too overwhelming with the Rockwell memories flooding back and all, so I decided to come here in the quiet computer lab and post a little story about me:

We signed the lease on our new swanky apartment in Valley Ranch today. It's still amazing, but as I went out on the patio and looked down on the Asians, Indians, and Honkeys passing by, I forgot that there was a hanging lamp in the middle of the room behind me. That room happens to be the dining room, so normally there would be a table there. We just moved in, so of course it was as empty as Tara Reid's head. Also, the lamp itself is a translucent white etched glass upside-down bowl, which blended in nicely with the neutral wall behind it. Do y'all see where this is going? I turned around, closed the patio door behind me, did not see the lamp in the middle of the room, and WHACK! There was suddenly a huge gash in my nose, right above the knot. I stumbled into the next room, unsure of what to do since I was stunned by the force of the blow and the huge dent in the front of my face. Luckily, my wife had a tampon in her purse. Otherwise I guess I (or probably she) would have had to run down to the apartment complex's bathroom to get something to catch the blood. Thank God for tampons, right now. Do it!

**The Miami Vice Theme can be heard in the background as I type this. Miami Vice has such a cool soundtrack. **

I applied the feminine product to the affected area, feeling a throbbing but fading pain and checking the tube-like thing to see if the blood was still flowing. It always was. Finally, things clotted and we went out for pizza. Pizza's great. I have a band-aid on my nose right now, and I look vaguely like Chuck Cecil (the guy in the picture above).

The moral of the story? Same as the moral of Miami Vice: The world is a dangerous place, but there's no problem that can't be solved by rolling up the sleeves on your pastel jacket or unbuttoning your shirt. Oh, and you belong to the city, whatever that means.

** Crockett and Tubbs are now vehemently insisting to anyone who will listen that there's no way they can work together on this case. Methinks they doth protest too much.**

Obvs.

2006-07-21T21:42:00.000-07:00

It's the new "obviously." Because 4 syllables is way to much for one word.

You d-bags out there can start using "obvs" now.

BTW, You, dear reader, should be aware that Yahoo is now trying to be all things to all people. They have buzz.yahoo.com, a place where people with names like "Molly McCall" and "Gordon Hurd" give out yahoo-link-intensive info on whatever Yahoo thinks is important that day. For example, today there are posts on Comic Cons and a chart comparing and contrasting M. Night Shamalayan and Kevin "Clerks" Smith. Why is Yahoo doing this? To be your one-stop-shop for all information everywhere. They realize Google is the search king, so they want to be the "buzz" king, whatever that is. As always, they will fail.

Also on Yahoo is something called "The 9." It's like a real-live internet TV show (why aren't there more of those in this day and age?) hosted by a hot girl with big teeth. Seriously, you can't stop looking at them -- the teeth, I mean. She's like Rosanna Arquette II: The Tooth-ening. Anyway, she perkily does the same thing that VH1 does with "Web Junk 20," only she's on every day, and she only points out 9 web things. Also, "Web Junk 20" pointed out most of the good stuff 3 months ago. However, I think I love her. Check out her profile and see the secret word, which also was the impetus for this post, obvs.

Her profile is on Yahoo 360, which is a poorly-thought-out combination of myspace and blogger. See? They're trying to be all things to all people. Thankfully, Yahoo 360 will also fail.

Other adverbs soon to be truncated in an effort to sound cool:

Totally = "tot" (pronounced with long "o," like "tote")
Hopefully = "hopf"
Terribly = "trb"

Our children will one day speak in a very lazy code.

It's Clobberin' Time!

2006-07-20T19:23:00.000-07:00

So, people are always asking me how I feel about the TJ Ford-for-Charlie Villanueva trade, since I'm the only Bucks fan on the whole internet now that bucksview.blogspot.com has started talking about loans for people who don't pay their bills. The next paragraph summarizes my thoughts on the trade:

Thank you, God, for making this trade happen.

Sure, TJ Ford is a nice story, a dwarf coming back from near-decapitation and all. We all wish him all kind of well. But he's a tiny fragile point guard who can't shoot but feels like he has to monopolize the ball even though it grinds the offense to an annoying halt. Bucks coach Terry "Why am I still here?" Stotts kept leaving him in the game during the fourth quarter, only to be betrayed by the overdribbling midget that only he couldn't see. With this trade, the Bucks got to keep their two better point guards and get a young power forward to boot. A young power forward with range and length who potentially has 3 years left on his crappy rookie deal. Not only that, but also he looks like the Thing (see above). Now all the Bucks need to do is sign a really stretchy guy, a guy who can burst into flames, and a really hot blonde, and they can start the Fantastic Four. They wouldn't even need a fifth starter -- though Michael Redd would probably warrant some playing time off the bench.

But I think I've lost my point here. I was talking about TJ Ford and how he sucks, even though we love him. See, it's easy to fall in love with TJ's speed and think, "He's a real weapon even if he can't shoot or defend or run the offense. Let's put 'im in there and see what happens!" And then what happens is underachievement and heartbreak. At best, he could become a nice "change of pace" backup point guard like Spud Webb or Darrell Armstrong (the younger years). At worst, his head flies clean off the next time a thug like Mark Madsen gets his blood-red hands on him. He's never going to be anything but an overdribbler, no matter who coaches him. It is his way. I mean, the guy had a whole year off to work on his game with a personal coach, and somehow he came back worse. I can't believe Toronto traded for him. Did they not pay for a scouting department last year? Did they hire the old Clippers scouting department from the 80's? Did they just drink too much Labatt's Blue? The mind boggles.

The player the Bucks got for TJ certainly seems like a together dude. He has his own cool website, where I'm sure he spends his time dissing Doctor Doom's face and challenging the Hulk to a rematch. He has his own set of basketball-related problems (woefully inconsistent, shoots from the outside too much, doesn't defend terribly well), but he's a foot taller and did I mention he's a POWER FORWARD WITH RANGE WHO REBOUNDS WELL AND HAS A TON OF POTENTIAL. For the life of me, I can't understand why Toronto would make this trade. But don't take my word for it -- listen to the newly-crowned Leader of the 18-45-year-old male USA sports fan, The Sports Guy:

I just wanted to comment on the Villanueva-T.J. Ford trade. Disregard Ford's scary spinal cord problems, that he can't shoot to save his life, that he's a free agent two years earlier than Villanueva, even that he lost crunch-time minutes to Charlie Bell last season. Again, I want you to disregard everything in that sentence. From a pure basketball standpoint, since when is a young point guard worth as much as a young power forward who can rebound and shoot 3s? When has that EVER been the case? How fast did the Bucks' front office say yes to this trade? 0.79 seconds? 1.2 seconds? Did they say, "Hold on, we'll discuss this and call you back in a few hours," then hang up and start pouring champagne on one another? If somebody made this deal in my fantasy league, I would have protested it.

Then, later in the same column (as he discusses Michael Redd) he writes:

Did I mention that I can't get over that trade? I'm in an American League-only fantasy league in which the second-place team traded Single-A prospect Cameron Maybin to the 10th-place team for Justin Morneau last month, and that set off three weeks of vicious message board posts, angry phone calls and the resignation of our longtime commissioner, since he was the one who ended up with Morneau. And this was a FANTASY league. The Villanueva-Ford trade was the real-life equivalent -- so were there angry e-mails and phone calls between the GMs in the Central Division when they found out? Like, did Joe Dumars immediately flip out and leave nasty messages on Bryan Colangelo's machine? Or does this only happen in fantasy leagues when the owners don't have lives?

Our Leader has written, and I, the only Bucks fan still alive on the internet, like what he's writing.

P.S. -- Leader, sorry about the copying-and-pasting rather than linking. Wait -- no, I'm not.

What was I thinking?

2006-07-16T08:23:00.000-07:00

A whole day's worth of Aeon Flux, cabbage death dish, and killing computer bits has slapped my brain around to the point where I talked about Pink Floyd but failed to acknowledge the passing of Syd Barrett. What was I thinking? He was the catalyst for the greatest rock band ever, and he died last week.

Wish he was here?

I need this

2006-07-16T07:51:00.000-07:00

Link

They've finally released Pulse on DVD, effectively keeping Pink Floyd in the news and making money. It's the material on the Pulse VHS tapes plus (of course) extras. I don't want to seem materialistic or shallow, but if I don't acquire this somehow by the end of this year, my life will have been an utter failure.

In other weird news, I watched the entire 10-episode run of Aeon Flux last night from like 11pm-3am. Man, they messed up that movie. I know I may have kinda liked the movie as a movie when I saw it, but time has shown me how completely they dropped the ball. I liked how they ripped some things straight from the animated episodes, but couldn't figure out that Trevor was supposed to be good. Also, and I know I keep bringing this up, but whither the giant baby? That was the best episode of them all.

"I don't even know your name."
"I am before names."
"Good for you."

And then she becomes a soccer mom at the end. Genius.

Currently Playing Crazy V-Games

2006-07-15T18:57:00.000-07:00

I haven't left my friend Jeff's house all day, and I've spent it doing nothing but eating, playing video games (Starcraft, Battlefield Vietnam, and Unreal Tournament), and watching old episodes of Dynaman and new episodes of askaninja.com. When my life is over, the Powers That Be will point to this as a completely wasted day. I haven't even been very good at the video games. Somebody stop me, before I eat and sit myself to destruction. Oh wait, I'm coming back home tomorrow. Cancel that, and pass the odd cabbage-and-scalloped-potatos-in bacon-butter thingy that's been sitting on the counter all day.

So, what's the status of Evanescence these days? They still a band? If you were here, you'd know why I'm asking that.

I'm trying to get my Wordpress blog going, because I think the newness of the technology (to me, that is) will motivate me to post more. I'm trying to get the content on epth.blogspot.com exported over there, but the internet is telling me that I need to enable something called CURL extensions for php to do that. The internet then shut up and didn't tell me where to find them.
Stupid internet.

Some of my friends are going to a "baccanalia" tonight. They're going to eat pretentious food and worship Rome. Apparently, it's like a toga party for intellectuals. I'm staying here though, and I bet you can guess what I'll be doing. Mmm...lukewarm cabbage and potatos...hey, I think there's some heavy whipping cream in this, too.

Crazy Week, eh? (looks around sheepishly)

2006-07-13T18:40:00.000-07:00

(Creating poo is hard work for a dog)

Geez, this week has been crazy. It's only going to get worse now, as I get up and leave this stinking 102-degree town for my trip to St. Louis, where I will play all manner of video games and eat all manner of confections and fried delights. Or at least some brats.

I feel genuinely bad about my lack of updates (the World Cup post notwithstanding) over the past month. I've got a schedule of things in my head, it's just a matter of getting them out. Also, I have no time and a dog that demands my attention. On top of that, I'd like to migrate this thing over to epthnation.com, so I feel like a real blogger. Maybe I'll give out goodies or something. My goodies. No, that came out wrong. Someone's goodies. Hold on...what I mean is...a free lunch or something. Or a keychain. Everybody likes those.

Our apartment complex fined us $25 for not cleaning up our dog's doo. We've lived there 4 1/2 years, and this is the first time that's happened. That's like fining Sly Stallone for mumbling, is all I'm saying. All of a sudden we have to clean up the doo? It was a shock and an outrage, and we really can't wait to get out of this ghettoized Spinal Tap-style hell hole. And folks don't even lend a hand here.

Working on This Backlog

2006-07-10T20:52:00.000-07:00

Above: Zinedine "Zippy" Zidane looks for ways to appear more gay. He does this because he is French. La-Dee-Da.

We here at Epth Nation have this huge backlog of things to say because of my current job situation and the hectic-ness that has been thrust upon me. I keep intending to get up early every day and write (and exercise, and plot world domination, and pick up my dog's doodoo, and etc.), but for some reason it hasn't happened yet. I blame the Fundamentalists, because we all need a scapegoat. Anyway, it's nearly 11 and I'm just now getting to this. We're in an adjustment period here, people. Please bear with me.

Zippy Zidane*, pictured above, ended his illustrious and industrious World Cup career Sunday by being baited into headbutting the Italian scuzzbag Matarazzi. Zidane has often been mentioned as being a candidate for best soccer player in the world, and the fact that he's French doesn't bother the rest of humanity as much as it does us USA Americans. To put this another way, he's a big star who did the stupidest thing possible in the biggest game of his career. If he were playing in the NBA, he'd be known solely as "the headbutter," or possibly "Boris Zhukov."*** Since he plays in the forgiving (and soccer-worshipping) international arena, he's simply that great player from France who made a mistake that nobody remembers.

I'm not going to get into the whole headbutt controversy, or the Italian World Cup victory, or even the fact that soccer is a nice but fatally flawed sport that the world is now stuck with. The World Cup and that horse it rode in on are swiftly riding off into the sunset. We won't have to hear the words "Landon Donovan" and "failure" in the same sentence again for four years. But Zinedine Zidane not only escaped the pain and shame of being branded a failure, FIFA actually gave him the "Golden Ball,"**** which is the award given to the top player in the World Cup tournament. The man's boneheadedness most likely cost his team the victory, and they give him the Golden Fricking Ball. Why not give it to Matarazzi, who got Zippy kicked out of the game? Why give it to THE LOSERS?

The sad part is that headbutt was easily the most exciting moment of the game. It was an awesome headbutt. I encourage you to check it out on youtube.com. But I'm glad soccer is fading away -- the last thing I need right now is another frustrating sport to take up my time. Yes, that's the last thing I need. Packer training camp is just a couple of weeks away, and they probably have less talent now than they did last year at this time. They went 4-12 last year. Aaargh.

Maybe they can sign Zidane to play special teams. They need somebody who can throw out a few headbutts now and then.

Gotta go. This beer is making my brain sweat. It's getting all over my medulla oblongata.

* Real name: Zinedine, which sounds like a drug that the FDA is currently testing. For that matter, so does "Zidane." "If you experience an e***tion lasting more than 4 days after taking Zinedine, please consult a physician."

** As long as we're pointing this sort of thing out, doesn't his name sound like a make of car that some rich eurotrash would be driving? "There were only 10 of these Matarazzis made, and I've got one of them. Aren't I extraordinarily rich?"

*** If you get this reference I don't know whether to congratulate you or pity you.

**** This concept conjures up a mental image, and that image says the first rule of the Golden Ball is don't kick the Golden Ball.

Things I Saw Tonight

2006-07-07T20:32:00.000-07:00

I'm just thankful I didn't look over and see this driving that truck.
(picture found in a google search for "horse-face.")

-- A man in a bathrobe who stiffed me, but needed to make sure he got his credit card receipt back to "keep the book up to date." He will now have a record of his cheapness forever.

-- A freaky girl-faced woman. Seriously, I looked over at the truck on my right and I saw this woman with Jonbenet Ramsey's face and hair. I had to do a double-take, because if I found Jonbenet alive (and driving a truck in Texas!) I could definitely have 15 minutes of fame, and you know I crave that soooo much. But alas it was just a fat woman with a little-girl face driving a generic dude to some place nobody cares about. I kept staring at her because she was freaking. me. out. I've got enough stuff going through my head without being forced to think about the ramifications of this. Did her face naturally stay the same as it was when she was a child? Did her girth just make her less wrinkly? How old was she? Did she discover a fountain of youth? Is she like a timelord, getting younger as she goes through time? Is anyone nerdy enough to get that reference? Will she stay like that forever? Is she immortal? If so, why is she just driving around Dallas with some dude? Shouldn't she be famous?
...and then the light turned green, and she was gone.

-- Ok, so I didn't see this per se, but I realized that 90% of the people I work with at Papa John's annoy me so much that I will take great pains to not be around them. For example, if they're folding boxes, I go to the back of the store and do nothing. If they follow me back there (because their minds tend to wander a bit), I'll go up front and read the paper. This is not a good situation. What's wrong with me? It's a good thing I'll be getting out of there soon.

-- I'm tired of Papa John's being so slow. The overcharging experiment failed, Papa -- time to bring the common man back into our customer base. Yeah, nobody wants to pay $14 bucks for a large pizza with a $1.30 delivery charge. Go figure. Better ingredients? Arguable. Better Pizza? At these prices, the question is moot. Which brings up another point, a far more general one about the US economy: Why do the Powers That Be think that people have money? The fed keeps raising interest rates, Bush keeps crowing about economic growth, and inflation fears abound. Does nobody else notice 90% of the country is struggling with less income and more expenses? Who are these rich people, and why aren't they hiring me to fix their computers or write their copy points?

Anyway, Papa John's gambled and failed, and hurt every single one of their employees in the process. But hey, if the stockholders are happy (which they aren't), I guess at least somebody gets a merry fricking Christmas.

Weird Deaths and Me

2006-07-06T06:34:00.000-07:00

Disgraced former Enron CEO Ken Lay is deceased. I don't know how I feel about this, since he had just been convicted of securities fraud and was facing jail. I think I wanted him to die in jail, and not on his own terms. Of course, that's not a good thought on my part, is it? You know what makes me mad about this whole thing, really? I shouldn't know who Ken Lay is.

If you would have asked me who Kenneth Lay is in 2000, I would have guessed the heir of 1/2 of the Frito-Lay empire. I had no idea he was busy destroying employee's lives to prop up a company that should have never been as big as it was. Enron should never have happened. This guy Lay formed his company on bad ideas, got in good with the Bushes, and systematically covered up the results of those bad ideas while tons of employees unsuspectingly marched towards their financial doom. Nobody could have seen this coming because he took steps to make nobody see this coming. And when it all crashed down, he wrapped himself in the Lord. I wonder what would have happened had he put on that Lord coat a few years earlier. But that rarely happens.

Here's the thing: I never put on the Lord coat until its too late, either. You know how in the song John Wayne Gacy by Sufjan Stevens, he sings "on my best behavior I am really just like him." Well, that's what has me bothered this morning. It's not like I'm committing massive crimes, but put into that Enron situation with the money and the white people and the affluent background and the Bushes and the power and the pressure, I hope I would have the good sense and Lord Coat to let the business naturally shrink or die, but I'm not sure I would. Thankfully, I will never get that chance. I'll never be a CEO of anything except my dog.

Ken Lay and I both need grace to keep from falling -- his fall just happened to be spectacular and public. I wish I had never heard of that guy, and I'm glad I haven't heard of all those other CEO's that aren't ripping everyone off. Let's keep it that way, shall we?

God is calling all of us right now, not with jail and death but with grace. Jesus died for us because we needed saving. That by itself is enough reason to put on the Lord Coat right this minute, isn't it?

Reasons to Love the USA

2006-07-04T20:49:00.000-07:00

I love the USA, and so should you. There are so many great things about this country, I can't even begin to list them all. So I'll just list some.

Side July 4th Note: "Born in the USA" by Spring-Steen is not a patriotic song. It's all about the dark side of America and how Bruce was sent by the USA to "a foreign land to kill Spongebob" or whatever. I know it's cool to like Spring-Steen, and it's only natural to want to play his all-american rock-n-roll on this most American of days. But stop playing this particular song, because you're just embarassing yourself and all US citizens who know better.

Great Things About the USA.

1) The Space Shuttle didn't blow up this time.

2) We're moving to a totally awesome apartment in a swanky neighborhood.

3) People can stay alive long enough to recover from devastating brain injuries.
4) We aren't threatened by "rebel warlords," whatever they might be.

5) We can have an entire sub-section of people who feel like they're being opressed, and yet no revolution happens because the oppressed have enough stuff to be considered rich in most of the world, and deep down they know it.

6) Prominent windbags can say, "We're not eating until we lose this war!" and go on a fake hunger strike, and everybody just kind of rolls their eyes and gets back to work. Other countries wouldn't tolerate this kind of crap, let me tell you.

7) On a related note, the other members of New Edition haven't killed Bobby Brown, either.

8) Our young people have been literally drinking themselves stupid for decades, and yet we're still around.

9) "Stars & Stripes Forever" is awesome.

10) This is Epth Nation is coming upon it's second anniversary, and I haven't gotten fired from Papa John's yet. As Yakov Smirnoff would say, Vaht a Contree!

Having said all that, my writing career really needs to grow this year, because I'm tired of not being able to take vacations without feeling guilty about the money I'm leaving on the table. I'm tired of watching movies and feeling like they have to be good or I'm wasting my precious time. I'm tired of not being able to read a fricking book once in a while. America is beautiful, but it's really kicking my butt right now.

Beer makes me sweat. This can't be a good sign.

House Hunting = A Failure

2006-07-04T13:05:00.000-07:00

It seems we're giving up our house hunt for the year. You Milwaukee people who want us to move back have won this battle, at least for now. Our last real effort was a week ago, and those lovely homeowners decided they were going to sell their house to someone that wasn't us. That makes them our enemy, but of course we've been taught to love our enemy, even when that enemy causes hours of effort to go for nothing. Kinda like the Mavs and the NBA refs. Anyway, we're out of this apartment at the end of the month, so we now have the opportunity to move wherever the heck we want with no mortgages or 80/20 loans or foundation problems. So we asked ourselves, "Where do we want to live?" The answer was always the same:

By white people.

Just kidding. The answer we came up with turned out to be none other than the exploding area of Valley Ranch in Irving, home of the Dallas Cowboys team office (at least until the grandiose new stadium gets built in accursed rich Arlington). The area is expanding, the apartments are 6 years old, and the people around us will be clean and fresh like a just-wiped newborn. The location is insane: Check out the things that will be within walking distance (1/2 mile or so): A brand-new movie theater, a Sam's Club, a Super Wal-mart, several newly built restaurants, Office Max, a Fry's Electronics, a very rare Taco Bell/Pizza Hut/KFC combo ("Yes, I'd like a personal pan pepperoni with a five-piece original recipe, and a chillito on the side."), and some other semi-useless things I can't think of right now.

It's also in very close proximity (under 2 miles) to more restaurants, a Kroger, a Barnes/Noble, a Target, and practically everything 2 people need to get by in this world.

And going up to a radius of 10 miles, we have 2 big malls, 2 lakes, the busiest airport in the world, the shiny new buildings of Las Colinas (think an extra-new downtown area built in the middle of nowhere for no reason. If you remember, Lawrence in Office Space had to do the drywall of a McDonalds there, requiring him to get his a** up at 6am every day.). It's amazing what moving 12 miles West will do for you. Y'all should try it, unless you live in Benton Harbor or something.

We're also way closer to Fort Worth than we used to be, while not being that much further from Dallas. If you lived here, you'd understand why that's good. In fact, it might be easier to get to the AAC (where the Mavs play) from this direction.

Oprah is currently allowing American Idol failures to pollute our 4th of July American airwaves with bad renditions of Stevie Wonder songs. The weird part? My wife's watching it. This is against everything she stands for.

Some astute observers out there will recognize that our first apartment in Dallas was within walking distance of a Fry's, a Sam's Club, and a movie theater. But that one also came with gang fights, Friday night "Fast and the Furious" re-enactments, complimentary move-in crap on the floor and painted-over roaches in the kitchen, and neighbors that silmutaneously break their toilet and start their apartment on fire. I don't think our new place has any of that. I'll have to remember to ask the Manager.

We move the 23rd-30th of this month. Addresses will change, and will be forthcoming to those of you who deserve it.

Of course I'll have to get a different pizza job (maybe at a super-rich Papa John's in Las Colinas!), so I'll be out from under the thumb of Man Bob Bill and Underwear Guy and the Curves Nazi...what will this blog do without them?

In closing, three words: Indoor basketball court.

People Whose Computers I Have Recently Repaired

2006-07-01T18:35:00.000-07:00

Before I get all into this mess, I want to thank God for making it rain today. It was pouring upon the dry crusty earth, and the clouds were so thin the sun was a visible bright orange ball. These Dallas days, any rain is a sweet relief from the sameness of 95 and sunny. Yeah, you think you'd like that, but you wouldn't, trust me. Unless you're my wife, in which case 80 and cloudy is cause for a hoodie.

And man, that rain just came out of nowhere, didn't it? Is the science of meteorology still in its infancy? Why didn't any of those slickly-dressed "scientists" on TV see this coming? Looking at the Dallas radar, it's totally clear except for a little blob of dark red activity where I live. Maybe God is telling me to take a shower.

Side question: Anybody out there use Google Earth? Does it help fill your...satellitey needs? I'm going to try to get it to run on Linux, except that reminds me that I never finished my post/essay on Linux. Consider yourself lucky.

now, back to the whole purpose of this post, the
Numbered List of People Whose Computers I Have Recently Repaired.
by A. Computer Guy (Epth Nation will neither confirm nor deny the identity or even existence of this person, so don't bother even trying to figure out who it is.)

1) My place of employment is in a grubby brown office building. On the wall by the stairs, there's a horrific painting of a bullfighter that has either: a) long blades of grass sticking out of his bullfighting jacket, or b) green claws for hands. It's hard to tell. If you go up the stairs and go through the second office door on your left, you will be in a law office/collection agency. Actually, I think either both entities share an office, or the collections lady works as a subsidiary of the law office. It doesn't matter. What does matter is that my company is contracted to take care of their computer stuff, so I had to wrestle with their labelmaker for a couple of hours the other day. I was in there so long that I got acquainted with the office staff. First there is the receptionist, who is on her honeymoon. She's a cute hispanic girl with glasses. In her place on this labelmaker day was an older lady who was working as a temp. She was nice and reminded me of Phyllis on The Office.

The collections lady is one of those people who has a sense of humor but doesn't like to laugh. I don't know if she's just trying to be no-nonsense, or if she's just a b****, but she didn't ever laugh, even when she said something funny. This makes her an awkwardness machine, as nobody knows if its ok to laugh around her. I'd hate to have her calling my phone asking me to pay up. On top of the humor problem, she also looks like a bulldog. Specifically, she looks like that bulldog that gave Sylvester the cat fits in the old WB cartoons. That must also come from working in collections. When she started there, I bet she looked like some other animal, maybe a squirrel. Over time, she turned into what her job is. In two more years, I bet I'll look like Dell Dimension desktop.

Also temping in this office are two teenaged boys, carbon copies of each other and the insipid d-bags who inhabit MTV shows like Laguna Beach. They both have suspiciously even tans and wear lots of hemp. When I was working on the labelmaker, these twins were in a room in the back of the office talking loudly about how they like the n-word and how it sounds cool when you say it in a high voice. Then one of them started screeching "n- please yo n- my n-" and so on. He liked the word so much, he just kept on repeating it over and over. No wonder bulldog lady was in such a bad mood, I thought. She has to deal with these dunderheads all day.

So I'm at the receptionist desk working on the increasingly insane-seeming software that runs this supposedly state-of-the-art label printing machine, and all I hear for a good 10 minutes straight is this white boy n- screeching. Then some dude walks in looking for the lawyer, who is not there. He stares at me as if I'm the receptionist, because I'm restarting the computer or something and it looks like I'm just sitting there waiting for people to walk in the door. But I'm just the computer guy, so I just walked back and told the tan temp hemp twins that there was somebody at the door. Clearly embarassed, the one who was obsessed with that horrible ethnic slur had to stop using it long enough to tell the guy that the lawyer was at trial and wouldn't be in the office. He and his buddy had a good laugh, though, since they were sure the guy had heard n- this and n- that coming out of the kid's mouth, and that was so naughty of them. They're such rebels in their fashionable clothes and aloof attitudes. Nobody else does that.

2) There was this lady who started our conversation regarding payment by floating the idea that she would just pay with her dog, a really cute yorkshire terrier. While the dog was a wonderful young animal with a winning personality, I told her I couldn't accept a dog in lieu of payment. All the time I was there, she kept on with the joke. It was charming at first, and then I got to thinking that maybe she didn't really want to pay. Maybe, I would have my first delinquent/non-paying job. She did end up paying, thankfully, and as a bonus gave me some of her literature.

This was also the house with the system of dog gates that could theoretically keep either of their two "yorkies" confined to any room or hallway in the house. It took like 5 gates to get up to the computer room. This is overgating and should not be encouraged. We need more free range dogs so their muscles don't get stringy.

3) This isn't a specific person, it's more of a generalization: Aside from the Bulldog, no fat people seem to need computer service. Maybe it's a Dallas and/or wealth thing, but all my clients have been thin. I feel bad for soiling up their house with my girth.

4) And then there's the weightlifting place with all the freakish-looking and fitness-crazed men and women. But that's not the fun part: The place is run by a former pro-wrestler, and in the guy's office are dozens of framed ads from the 70's, detailing wrestling matches he participated in. He was a native-american-themed wrester, and on one of the posters under his name it says (in quotes) "hates the white man." He's my new hero.

5) Many smokers need computer service, but they don't seem to realize that smoking in their house all day for a year gives their computer (and the rest of their stuff) a sticky yellow film and a strong stale scent. I went to one apartment and the woman was smoking while I was standing there. She said, "Yeah, it needs to be cleaned out because the dust is so bad in this neighborhood." Right...that yellow film is caused by dust. I understand she's ashamed of her habits, but we can recognize chain smoking when we smell it. My car smelled like that computer for two days after I transported it.

Not that there's anything wrong with smoking...I don't want to be dragged into that issue. No way. On the issue of smoking being smelly, however, I am 100% affirmative.

6) There was a lady who bent over to write out a check, and hooooah! I don't know what happened, because I was strategically and consciously looking at the nice paintings on the wall of the house. I don't think she realized what she was showing, either, because that would be creepy. Anyway, to expound a bit more on my political leanings, I am 100% pro-bra and 0% pro-loose-fitting tank-tops. Call me a gentleman if you want (is that an insult these days?), but I don't need this.

7) There was this old guy who was clearly befuddled by the nature and workings of computers. He also claimed to have gone to high school with Warren Buffet. Buffet was on TV with the Gateses talking about their massive philanthropic efforts, and he was yelling at the guy to donate to his high school. Yeah, yelling at the TV makes you look crazy. I'll have to remember that the next time I watch the Packers play.

There are more people, but most of them are too boring for this blog. Most of them are ex-military, and I fear their contacts could kill me if they find out my identity, which can be neither confirmed nor denied by anyone. Just remember that, snipers.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you're on for a month, can you really have a "series finale"? I'm looking at you, Pepper Dennis.

They're delivering a baby on Cheaters right now. Can anyone give me a definitive word on whether that show is real or fake? Let me repeat...they're delivering a baby on the show right now.

Wireless PCMCIA Card I Need

2006-06-29T21:05:00.000-07:00

Yeah, Yoda might say it like that.

Anyway, I need one so I can post during the day, in my car. There's something very romantic about that idea for me. I'd feel like a gumshoe. Tomorrow (Saturday) I'm going to make a list of all the people I need to tell you about, the people I've fixed computers for. All of them seem to have unique qualities about them that come out when the computer guy is around. I think wealth might have something to do with it, or age. Most of the people I work for are either old or rich or both. Those are the two groups of people who don't care -- they'll say whatever's on their minds. I can't wait for that day. When I'm old, this blog's really going to be something.

Preview: One customer claimed to have gone to high school with Warren Buffet, the guy who's giving away billions of dollars . I believe him.

I still like my job, for those of you who care. I work with good people, and as Thoreau once said, "That has made all the difference." Cocky SOB, that Thoreau. I just misquoted him.

Go Beavers

2006-06-27T15:46:00.000-07:00

These are heady times to be a person with a relative starting her freshman year at Oregon State. They just won their first NCAA championship in anything since the 1940's, a 2-games-to-1 heart-stopper in the College World Series. A poor North Carolina player got his tar heel stuck in the dirt, causing him to throw the ball wildly past the first baseman. I don't know what inning that was (like most people, I didn't and will never watch the College World Series), but I hear it was the play of the game. Get a mascot that's not a dirtied-up body part, Tar Heels. And that goat doesn't count.

We visited Corvalis (the home of OSU) a couple of weeks ago, my wife and I, and had some bad chinese food. I got an "Oregon State Beavers" t-shirt while we were there, which is totally in fashion now that they've won something. Maybe I can sell it for double price. It's orange, so probably not.

Also in sports, an alumnus of my alma mater is actually doing something with her life, unlike the rest of us. Amanda Kuca, who just graduated from Concordia University Wisconsin (CUW), took 8th in the nationals for the 3000m steeplechase last week. Concordia doesn't even have steeplechase stuff on their track. How did she get so good? She's my new running hero. Suzy Favor Hamilton, you're in second now. And Prefontaine, you're just crazy. And dead.

She takes over as Women's distance coach at CUW next spring. Also, I think she just qualified for the olympic trials next year. She's trained for at least 631 straight days. The next (insert name of USA historic women's steeplechase hero here)? You betcha. Read the interview.

I'm a House of Fire Again

2006-06-25T12:10:00.000-07:00

...as Gorilla Monsoon would say. This isn't wrestling, but it's close. It's called life, and I have so many opinions floating around in my head right now that I can feel my eyes bugging out. Each of these topics probably deserve at least one full blog post, if not an entire essay. But since I haven't the time or energy to get into them right now, I will create some thumbnails for you:

1) I have an irrational hatred of Superman. Every time I see the trailer for the new movie, or someone even mentions Smallville, I feel like my brain's being pulled out through my ear. The obvious question is "why?", and I can't give a definitive answer. I suppose it started with the worst scene in the entire Kill Bill duology, the part where Bill talks about the greatness of Superman and how his secret identity was a bumbling human with bad eyesight. He used that to justify the massacre of a bunch of innocent people. Here's the quote in question (from the imdb, so don't as they say quote me on this):

An essential characteristic of the superhero mythology is, there's the superhero, and there's the alter ego. Batman is actually Bruce Wayne, Spider-Man is actually Peter Parker. When he wakes up in the morning, he's Peter Parker. He has to put on a costume to become Spider-Man. And it is in that characteristic that Superman stands alone. Superman did not become Superman, Superman was born Superman. When Superman wakes up in the morning, he's Superman. His alter ego is Clark Kent. His outfit with the big red "S", that's the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes. What Kent wears, the glasses, the business suit, that's the costume. That's the costume Superman wears to blend in with us. Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent? He's weak, he's unsure of himself... he's a coward. Clark Kent is Superman's critique on the whole human race. Sort of like Beatrix Kiddo and Mrs. Tommy Plympton.

Now that's a nice solliloquy. Allow me to put my nerd hat on for a second and parse this statement though: First of all, Superman was not "born Superman." He was born on the doomed planet Krypton and only got his powers when he arrived in our solar system, because of the yellow sun. How is that fundamentally different from Spider-Man, who got his powers when a radioactive spider bit him? And how is Peter Parker not Spider-Man when he wakes up in the morning? Punch him, and see what happens. I dare you.

And what of Wonder Woman, who definitely was born with her powers; or Supergirl, who has nearly the exact same characteristics as Superman, but happens to be a girl; or Krypto the Super-Dog, about whom the less said the better? When are they ever going to make a movie or critcally acclaimed but ultimately bad TV show about these characters? Hmm? When is the rest of the Justice League going to get their due? Aquaman and his gay outfit have sat on the shelf for too long. Why does everything have to be about Superman? He's overrated, and I am the sworn enemy of everything that is overrated. Just call me Lex Luthor. I'm bald, you should have seen this coming.

Anyway, my stated rule is that I won't watch another Superman anything until they make a Wonder Woman something. I fully intend to violate that rule because my wife wants to see the stupid upcoming movie, but don't think my own failings will stop me from ripping it afterwards. Keep this post, and my irrational hatred, in mind as you read it.

2) Yeah, the Mavericks lost, and I don't know how I feel about the 2006 NBA Finals. One the one hand, two new teams made it. On the other hand, the refs (here we go again) systematically handed the series to Miami with a series of questionable decisions. The worse team won, there's no question about that. But Dallas didn't really do anything to justify them getting a title, either. They became totally timid and forgot all the lessons of the previous two rounds. Like I said, I don't know how I feel about all this. Dwyane Wade seems nice, and went to Marquette. My cat's breath smells like cat food.

3) The USA is out of the World Cup, and I say good riddance. They sucked, and need to regroup for another 4 years. 2002 was a total fluke. Maybe next time they can make it past Ghana. It's time for the real teams to step up, like those dandy boys from England (or as I call them, "the Gland"). The Gland could win it this year. This Cup is all terribly exciting now that we're down to elimination games. I feel bad for the players that lose these games now, because they have to go back home and face their countrymen knowing that they failed. And those countrymen are brandishing bats and tazers and pepper spray and any number of other nasty weapons. I don't think the World can handle this Cup. I think they need to dismantle this tournament and start over with something that people are more mature about, like knitting.

Plus, there's something really, really sad about some of these poor countries. They just want something to take their minds of the awfulness around them, and soccer does that. When they're eliminated, what do they have to look forward to? Now, that's coming from my piggish USA perspective, and they might very well be on average happier than us, but they live in a dirt clod. I guess it's good to consider these things.
Now that the USA is eliminated, we have to go back to My Super Sweet Sixteen and America's Got Talent. Who deserves the pity now?

Pictures from Beaver Land

2006-06-22T19:37:00.000-07:00

Top: It truly is God's country out there. This is what happens when you have mountains, oceans, and constant rain. This is one of those oceans, the Pacific.

2: The first night there, we saw this sunset. I'm glad I got a picture of it, because the other nights were cloudly and bleah.

3: Me holding my newest nephew. Yes, he's warm enough.

4: Ancient peoples carved this message into the rocks in ancient times. I don't know what it says, but it looks like "Melen (hearts) Iran."

5: They have giant marshmallows in Oregon. I took a picture of the place they keep them before they are cut into smaller marshmallows and roasted and put too close to the fire and ruined.

I'm hearing some bad acting on Windfall in the next room. I like the show's concept, but it sure looks boring in practice. Now we know why it's on during the summer.

Apologies to the People Who Futilely Checked This Over and Over Again

2006-06-22T19:31:00.000-07:00

This is my first real chance to post since the weekend, so I'd better make it good. Let me whinily explain why I've been such a bad blogger this week. It actually starts with vacation last week -- specifically, the time zone I was in. Having grown accustomed to Weird Western, or "Pacific" time, I was two hours behind when I got back to sunny dusty Texas on Saturday. It's taken me until tonight to catch up. Many apologies and subservient groveling. Grovel grovel.

The reason why it's taken that long to get with the program is my new job, which is really slapping me silly right now. Take today, for example: I go to this old smoky lady's house, turn off her computer so I can install some stuff, and then press the power button. The computer does nothing. The lady, thankfully, didn't freak out. I took her computer back to the office, and was informed by a longtime worker there that her computer always does that. Do you see what I'm up against here? Imagine the first week of whatever your job is and you do a routine task and a second later it appears you just cost the company hundreds of dollars. I guess one of my jobs there will be to build a knowledge base for things like this. Somebody's got to, before I go crazy.

So I went from that nightmare to this gigantic house that I was supposed to move computer equipment and a network into. The customer casually mentioned that they were switching which computer was attached to the internet connection. The only problem with that is I basically had to remake an entire network without being prepared to do that...I was missing a bunch of stuff, and couldn't get the job done today. On top of that, they wanted me to run some coaxial cable across the wall, which is not what I get paid for. So I kinda felt like a failure this morning, but my boss just tried to make me understand that these sorts of things happen all the time, and that I shouldn't be discouraged. The worst case scenario is that I go back tomorrow and can't get the network going, and then my boss will send the other guy out there to see if he can get it to work. Of course, tomorrow right now is looking like a slow day around there, so that might work out ok. Not that I'm going to actually fail.

Anyway, I followed that big debacle with a trip to a nice man with an easy problem (who was getting the work for half-price), so it all turned out ok. I even got to eat some lunch and chill because my late repair never called back. Such is my life now.

The worst part? I totally smelled like smoke after breaking that old woman's computer. How do you people handle that?

June 19th.

2006-06-19T21:39:00.000-07:00

Before this day ends:

Happy Anniversary to me and my wife.

Happy new job to me.

Happy Birthday to Dirk Nowitski.

Happy Juneteenth, the holiday of righteous bitterness.

Whew. Big day.

Biiiiiig Post Re:Fricking Soccer

2006-06-17T16:12:00.000-07:00

Thoughts I had While Watching the World Cup 2006

by Michael "Soccer is OK" Pape

Short of possibly abortion or The Jews, there isn't a subject more divisive in this world than soccer, the world's favorite sport. I'm not going to speculate about the reasons for its popularity right now, because like most Americans this is my first time thinking about soccer, and that line of questioning seems like it's about 3 levels above where I'm comfortable. I'm currently watching the cute little African country of Ghana play the big bad Czech Republic, the #2 team in the world. Ghana is up 1-0 early in the second half, but that lead will almost surely not hold. It's at minute 57:15, which means that there's 32:45 left plus "stoppage time," or as I call it, "garbage time." The refs stop the clock for penalties, injuries, fake injuries, and so on -- that time is added up and put at the end of the 90 minutes so the clock can run continually. I can't decide if that's neat or lame. On the one hand, you don't really know when the game is going to end. On the other hand, the clock is always running. This is the kind of thing that makes the game seem so foreign to US viewers, who just know that the clock oddly counts forward and doesn't stop when the game ends. But it's always been done this way, so they sure ain't stopping for us wasteful imperialist Americans. Like I said, I can't decide how I feel about it. It's soccer...what can I say?

Last Part of Czech Republic vs. Ghana

64:29 -- Ghana gets a free kick because the Czech D broke down completely. I'll explain "free kick" in a second, but a Czech player got a "red card" for arguing with the ref, and was kicked out of the game. On a red card, he cannot be replaced. He's in the eternal penalty box. That means the Czechs are playing 10-on-11 for the rest of the game. A player who looks like Jesus skulks to the sidelines. The Czech fans want the refs' buns on a platter. Finally, the penalty kick is executed (it's like a one-on-one between a kicker and the goalie where the ball is laid at the edge of the penalty box and the kicker gets one shot), and the ball hits the side of the goal and bounces harmlessly away. The Czechs dodged a bullet there, but they still have the one-man disadvantage and the one-goal deficit.

74:45 -- The Czech goalie (who some say is the "Best Goalie in the World." Of course, they say that about almost every goalie, including the US guy who gave up three zingers to this same Czech team earlier in the week) is under attack from the ebola-like Ghanese (Ghanian? Ghananana?) offense. The Chechs can't just sit back and play defense because they're losing, and Ghana smells blood.

77:10 -- No. 17 butt-checks an African and gets called for a foul. Less than a minute later, another African is tackled. These Czechs are all over the place, and they can't seem to attack without being called for offsides. In soccer, the offender cannot be behind the defense unless the ball is either in the air or past them. It's a rule that prevents about 10 goals per game.

81:26 -- In Europe, booing is expressed by whistling. Seems like more trouble than it's worth, and what about those people who can't whistle? Save it for the beautiful ladies, everybody.

82:45 -- Ghana scores, mostly because the Czechs have ceased to play defense. Poor best goalie in the world. 2-0, hungry people. The Ghananians just sent in a guy named "ping-pong." He has the pineapple hairstyle of Kid (of "Kid n' Play) circa 1988. Hey, the announcers just said that the President of Ghana promised each player $20 thousand for each World Cup win. Wow. I guess I won't feel sorry for those guys anymore...they might be able to move someplace nice with that much money. Sun City, here they come.

88:49 -- 11 seconds left, and "ping-pong" just got called for his second straight offsides on a breakaway goal. In between those two stupid mistakes, a Ghanian (the announcer called him that) defense totally fouled a Czech player in the penalty box, which should have caused a penalty kick, which would have created at least a little momentum for the Czechs going into garbage time. Sounds like a whistle convention up in here.

2:54 of garbage time -- The Czechs take their best shot yet, a screaming line drive that the African goalie has to jump up to block -- it was reminicent of the Dwight Clark catch that beat the evil Cowboys in the early 80's. They then take their second best shot, but it too is blocked. Looks like we have a new "Best Goalie in the World." The refs then blow the whistle and the game ends, making the last two shots totally irrelevant in retrospect -- there was no way the Czechs could have gotten another shot off if they would have gotten a goal there. Now we know, and feel a little ripped-off. But hey, it's soccer -- what can you do?

After the first post-game set of commercials (there are none while the game is going on, thankfully -- the one thing I really like about soccer as a TV sport, and it makes one wonder what the world would be like if all sports were run this way, with the always-upticking clock, garbage time, and no time-outs. You know garbage time in the NBA would take like an hour, followed by about an hour of commercials. It would also eliminate the iconic last-second shot. Robert Horry's career would have ended three years ago) the feed comes back to shots of the stadium and crowd noise, but no announcers. At one point, somebody starts singing, and then stops when he realizes he's on the air. Hey, if they keep messing up like this I'll watch soccer more often.

So anyway, the Ghana Beans end up winning 2-0, and that makes it time for us to examine what the match (foreigner for "game") means. The teams are in groups of 4, and they play each of the other teams in the group once. That means three games. Ghana was 0-1 before today, and the Czechs were 1-0. They are both 1-1 now. If the US beats Italy, then all four teams in the group will be even at 1-1. This will set up a pair of single-elimination games: US-Ghana and Italy-Czech Republic. You get three points for a win and one for a tie, which means that a win will get you into the next round for sure, and a tie will put you at the mercy of the tie-breakers, which are mystical and unexplainable, just like all tie-breakers. But to get to that scenario, the US will have to win today. That game is coming up next, so put on your star spangled underwear and grab a Budweiser, Coors, Miller Lite, or other domestic beer. No, no, that's right -- Miller is now owned by the Germans. Put that High Life down. Oh, just forget it.

"World's Right; We're Wrong?"

Between games I want to point out an article I read in last week's SI by a guy named Steve Rushkin. It's called "World's Right, We're Wrong," and it's all about how US sports consumers are stupid for not liking soccer. It's the kind of reverse xenophobia that's become common in the Bush era, and it's about half right -- he's right about it not being the boring pointless girly third-world distraction most Americans seem to think it is; but he's wrong about it being a super-exciting near-perfect sport that Americans hate just because we think we're better than the rest of the world. Let's examine his points, or at least the ones I can extract from his sarcasm:

1) Our attitude toward the World Cup "illuminates many of our least flattering qualities as a nation," such as "breathtaking incuriosity about the rest of the world." So, we should like soccer so we understand people in other countries? I can't even begin to explain how wrongheaded that is. You can't force people to be interested in some sport by guilting them into it. If you could, the WNBA would be gangbusters right now. So what if our indifferent attitude toward other countries is shown? I thought this was about sports.

2) We don't like to appreciate foreign innovation, so we don't appreciate the head-dribbler. Yeah, so a guy from Brazil can dribble with his head. Rushkin claims this is a quantum leap forward for soccer, but for that to be true, the majority of players would need to be doing it. It's a bit, a freak show, and it still almost always ends in failure. Soccer is popular because it's remained the same for so long -- not because its innovative. The point is moot.

3) We fear the ponytail. He's right, but we're totally in the right about this. Sports in the US appeal primarily to men, and only women could like a man in a ponytail. We invented a term for a guy like this, remember? "Sensitive Ponytail Guy." Ponytail=loser, as far as real men are concerned.

4) Related to 3), Soccer is viewed as a game for pansies; However, soccer players are "fitter" and "more concussed" than pros in other sports. Whenever you're referring to a sports player-man as "fit," it's not a compliment. Personal trainers are fit. Richard Simmons is fit. And "more concussed?" Think about it -- every other shot is with their heads. Of course they get head trauma. Maybe soccer players would seem less girly if they didn't all look like wannabe fashion models who spend hours on their hair. Another suggestion: stop playing dead after every collision. It's pathetic and everybody hates it.

5) It has the best names of any sport. Which is better: Ronaldino or Boubacar Aw? I thought so. College basketball, still the king.

6) We don't care about the world. Well, the world does hate us, and it's become a chicken-egg thing at this point. Which came first, the hate or the lack of caring? I don't know. As for the attempted guilt trip, see no. 1).

7) Soccer is great! Watch a bunch of highlights, and you'll see! You could claim any sport's greatness by only watching highlights. Usually, highlights just mean bad defense. Plus, NBA guys do way more amazing stuff every game, and they're not really even trying most of the time.

He concludes with the statement: "If you don't like soccer, you don't like sports -- you only think you do." This is exactly the kind of thing that turns people off. Again, you could totally say that about any sport. "If you don't like high-school lacrosse, you don't like sports." See? It's all competition, and nothing else. The truth is, most sports fans like some sports better than others. I agree they should keep an open mind, but if they decide that soccer sucks, do they have to also decide that American football and baseball and basketball and hockey also suck? Perhaps we Americans have developed specialized tastes (from watching people dunk, hit people, and blast homers) that ancient low-scoring soccer can't hope to satisfy. Perhaps we actually are different from the rest of the world, and everyone should be ok with that. Perhaps we're both right. Perhaps we should examine:

The Wrongness of Outright Dismissal

The World Cup is a wholly unique sporting event in our world, and only the Olympics can claim to fan the flames of national pride like this soccer tournament does (and the Olympics are about 1/10th as intense). The fans are absolutely insane, and on top of that global politics provides tons of (actually, not fake-) fascinating human-interest stories for every team. Take Iran, for example. Yes, on the surface, we in the US would like to see them fail, but in Iran the hard-liners who want to turn Israel and America into smoking corpses also hate the soccer team and all it represents. It stands to reason that if the Iranian soccer team does well, the relative moderates will gain support, and that's good for everyone. And there are a bunch of considerations like this, from players being murdered for kicking the ball into their own goal (as has happened in Columbia) to players in Ghana being awarded huge sums of money for a win. Clearly, this event means more to the fans and participants involved than any other sporting event in the world, and that makes it fun.

And while scoring is indeed a rare occurrence, the game of soccer is not boring if you understand it well enough. Yes, most of the excitement ends in utter failure, but it's still filled with more ups and downs than any other game besides possibly its icy counterpart, hockey. The players are fantastically skilled and constantly doing amazing things with the ball and their feet. It's definitely not just a bunch of virile-looking and hairy men running around aimlessly -- that kind of talk comes from ignorance, not observation.

The Correctness of Conditional Ambivalence

That's not to say that the World Cup is the bee's knees; There are grains of truth in all the American criticisms of it. Let's examine some common ones, and the soccer freaks' responses:

"Nobody Scores" vs. "Baseball and Football games go for hours without scores, as well."

First of all, the way football and especially baseball are set up, the higher the game's score, the longer it goes. That means a 1-0 baseball game will take over an hour less than a 9-8 steroid-and-HGH-fueled hit festival. As I said, all soccer games take 90 minutes plus garbage time, and the clock never stops. An hour of no scoring in football is a quarter-and-a-half; in baseball, it's about half the game. In soccer, it's 2/3 of the game, and remember the clock has been ticking that whole time. This makes an hour of scoreless futbol seem like a constant string of failures, which is exactly what it is. Players miss passes, miss shots, commit drive-killing penalties, and miscalculate angles over and over again. The rules for offsides are pretty clear, and yet Ghana and the Czech Republic just combined for about 25 offsides in one game. This killed 25 possible scoring chances. At times, it seems like the goal is covered by a clear plastic sheet. This is unacceptable. Plus, when somebody says your sport is boring, don't use baseball as a contrary example. Everybody knows baseball is boring, but we're stuck with it.

"Nobody Likes It" vs. "It's the Most Popular Game in the World."

This seems to be the main issue between the pro- and anti-soccer factions. Nobody here likes it (and in fact expressing affection for soccer will get you ridiculed among most hard-core sports fans, as if you just said you liked the -ick- WNBA), and everybody (and I do mean everybody) "out there" does like it. Billions of foreigners can't be wrong, can they? Well, they grow up with it as part of their national identity. It's not our fault we fell in love with Football Sundays and people in pads hitting each other. It's not our fault that compared to our version, World Cup futbol looks somehow both wimpy and graceless. And it's certainly not our fault that we can't get excited over a 1-1 tie where somebody's faking a foul every 30 seconds. Yes, the World Cup is fantastic drama, but it's also extremely weird-looking to our American eyes. Both sides of this debate need to step off and realize that the other has a point, before I get cranky. Oh, wait, the game's starting...

US vs. Italy

The national anthem of Italy sounds like an opera. As the US anthem starts, there is a loud cheer, and all the US players have their hands over their hearts. It's amazing to see that sung in an event where it actually means something. There are a ton of US fans there, hoping against hope that Italy can be defeated today. The Americans have never beaten Italy before. Let's see if these red,white, and blue underdogs can pull a Ghana and even up this group.

The first thing I notice is that the Italians are dressed in blue. Don't they know what colors the Italian flag has? Are pizza places going to have to get new boxes now? What gives? The US is dressed in white shirts and midnight-blue shorts, and look vaguely like cruise-ship workers.

The announcers are distressingly American. Soccer should always be announced by either dry British queens or anybody speaking Spanish.

2:00 -- The US gets its first offsides penalty. How hard is this game, really? Come on. And what does it say about a sport when a major defensive tactic is running the wrong way in an effort to cause an offsides penalty?

6:00 -- The Blue Meanies get a weak shot off against Kasey Keller (sp?), who the announcers call "The Greatest Goalie in the World." I swear I'm not making this up.

7:45 -- This is why nobody scores in soccer. The US just had a looping kick into the penalty box that Landon Donovan couldn't get to. The ball bounced out of bounds with nobody touching it...oh, the US just failed again. Failure failure failure. I hate soccer.

10:02 -- The US has had a number of good scoring chances that they are doing nothing with. A typical play consists of a guy on the side kicking it to the middle of the box where there are seemingly 20 blue guys waiting for it, heads a boppin'. But the Italians can't even get it past midfield, so I guess that means something, or more accurately, nothing. 0-0.

14:02 -- The US keeps stealing the ball from the Italians, but then running into the impenetrable Italian D. A US player was fouled in the little circle above the penalty box, which causes a penalty kick that the Italians can stand in front of while covering their genitals. Guess what? The US fails again.

17:05 -- I just saw Reyna (a US failure) kick the worst pass I've ever seen. He looked like Antoine Walker throwing it into the stands. Yuck.

20:20 -- Another US failure leads to a Yellow Card for the US's Pope. The Italians in the stands start singing some lame Italian song.

21:45 -- Italy scores a goal in response to what was clearly the Italian Goal Song. The US was going to try to draw the Italians offsides, but predictably Pope failed and paid for it with a "header" goal. The US is 0-14-1 in World Cup play when the opponent scores first. Should I turn the game off now?

26:45 -- A super-gay goal off the Blue Meanie Christian Zaccardo's shin ties the score at 1-1. That's right, they couldn't score, so they had to use the body parts of the Italians. What a good Christian that guy is. I hope he doesn't get murdered. Think about that: You get on the World Cup team for your country with dreams of being a hero, and you score a goal for the other team. That's pretty messed up.

27:47 -- Derossi of Italy gets hit with a red card for Dikembe Mutomboing a US player's face with his elbow. It's the first real-looking foul I've seen in this World Cup. 11 vs. 10 the rest of the way, baby. All of a sudden, the World Cup has opened way up for these American failures. Can they manage to succeed despite themselves?

33:33 -- The announcer just said that for security purposes, the only team bus that doesn't have the team name on it is the US bus. Well, by a very short process of elimination, wouldn't the terrorists be able to figure that out? I'm just sayin'.

34:50 -- Italy sends in a guy nicknamed "The Snarling Dog." Can't wait to see where this goes. The entire Italian team looks like guys you'd meet in a seedy bar. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

35:10 -- The referees mess up an offsides cal and probably cost Italy a goal. When soccer rains, it pours. The fans' whistling can be heard all the way in Brussels.

39:00 -- Reyna just fouled the Snarling Dog, then they hug. Since all these guys play for (and get paid lots of money by) European club teams, they all seem to know and respect each other. Where's Ivan Drago when you need him? Did the Soviets even play soccer?

41:20 -- The US almost hit a 35-foot laser goal. The ball bounced off the top of the net. Even with only 10 Blue guys on the field, the US cannot get a close shot. As an aside, how come there aren't more black players on the US team? The only one I see is Pope, and he stinks.

44:00 -- Mastroeni (a US player, oddly) is given a red card for tripping. It's a crap call. What is this, the NBA? The announcer calls it a "make-up call," and the faker who was fouled is carried off on a stretcher, only to get up 5 seconds later. I hate soccer.

After garbage time of 2 minutes, halftime begins. It is 1-1, and each team is absurdly down to 10 players. I'm not sure if that'll mean more goals or less goals in the second half. Clearly, the US just has to keep aiming for Christian's shin, because they're a bunch of girls who can't score themselves.

46:00 -- Pope gets a red card, the announcer says the refs should be fired, and everybody is stunned. Italy gets a penalty shot with the nut squad in front of him. Announcer: "All these people paid good money to see this game, and the referee keeps kicking people out." The fouls did seem lame compared with the Italian Elbow. I hate soccer.

48:49 -- The US is up in fouls, 20-7. They appear to be totally getting jobbed. But then again, I don't know anything about soccer. With all the whining, I feel like I'm watching the NBA playoffs again.

51:45 -- Carlos Bocanegra (another US player, amazingly) almost returns Christian's favor by heading a ball off the top bar of the US goal.

54:10 -- The US is getting totally angry at the refs after every whistle. They've been given a ready excuse by the red cards -- time will tell if they use it.

56:18 -- I've heard a lot about the greatness of the US's Landon Donovan, but he looks like just another dude out there. Reyna just passed it to him at a weird angle, and Donovan acted as if he was too good for the ball. Plus, he looks like a college freshman, one that works on a cruise ship. Oh, he just kicked it out of bounds again. Sign this guy to a huge contract, Linchester FC United.

61:00 -- An Italian just slapped the ball with his hands, but there was no call. The announcer says that it was inadvertent. We didn't have that exception in high school gym class, that's all I know.

61:42 -- A guy with Jesus hair is back for the Italians. The US just sent in another black guy, one that had a horrible game against the Czechs. Will we have some sort of redemption story here?

62:30 -- Landon Donovan makes a great play that almost results in a US goal. I take everything I wrote at 56:18 back.

64:10 -- The black guy scores a goal, but McBride of the US is clearly offsides. Redemption abated, everybody get back to their seats.

66:44 -- It seems like the US is playing with more guys than Italy, not the other way around. An Italian leaves the game with cramps or something, and the game is momentarily even. Oh, he's limping back. This guy is taking fakery to a whole new level.

67:50 -- A blue guy almost gets it into the side of the goal. Another Blue guy, Laquinta, or "The Inn," lies around like he got fouled. This happens a lot.

69:40 -- An Italian gets a yellow card, and the announcer says that call didn't deserve it either. In the ensuing scrum, the black guy almost gets another goal.

72:00 -- The Greatest Goalie in the World makes a great save. Did you know he lives in a 1000-year-old German castle? Weirdo.

74:50 -- Playing with 9 guys, the US is getting tired. Italy still looks outmatched though. These guys are supposed to be a powerhouse? The announcer just said the refs "blew the game" again. I guess FIFA doesn't pay the announcers' salary. We need more announcers like this.

78:00 -- The US has a lot of guys with great 1-on-1 skills. They're totally schooling the boys in blue on the outside. Black Guy just had a breakaway, but was tripped. No foul. Go figure.

81:41 -- Everyone on the field is exhausted, and every time somebody threatens they are tripped. They aren't calling anything now. ABC just showed a feed of people in Times Square watching a giant TV that's presumably showing the World Cup. Everybody looks cold, and nobody's cheering. Not exactly an advertisement for soccer.

85:00 -- Black Guy has another chance, but fails. Don't these guys get tired of failing all the time? C'mon, cruise ship workers, score one of your own goals. Italy has had several chances to score here, but either Greatest Goalie or offsides or blue ineptitude have ruined each one.

87:55 -- "The Inn" misses by a mile. Take the Inn out. Put the Snarling Dog back in, Italy. This is some boring soccer here. Looks like they're playing in slow-motion. Actually, it looks like your typical NBA regular season game.

89:43 -- The announcer says, "The crowd is just itching for some activity." I thought these players were supposed to be fit.

:55 of garbage time -- Black Guy just reaches up and hits the ball like an idiot, and they actually call it. Redemption aborted. Better luck next "match."

1:30 of garbage time -- The US goalie kicks the ball downfield and no US players chase it. Coming back, Keller makes a save. Looks like it's time to look neutral, because this is going to end in a tie.

3:00 of garbage time -- Black Guy runs downfield with the ball, but ends up falling down like a dork as the game ends. The Italian fans are singing a song that sounds like the Pet Shop Boys song "Go West" or the praise song "Give Thanks with a Grateful Heart." I don't think it was either one of those songs, though, since they aren't gay or thankful right now.

Back in the studio, Brent Musberger is telling us that the ref who gave out the red cards was previously suspended for "irregularities" and kept out of the 2002 World Cup. One of the analysts, a former soccer tool, says that there are "two kinds of referees -- bad ones and worse ones." He follows that with "Players win games, coaches lose games, and refs ruin games." Spoken like a true player. I guess this gives them something to talk about, since the last 20 minutes of the game was mostly players halfheartedly running towards the ball and kicking it out of bounds. I hate soccer.

For the USA soccer team to avoid total obscurity and make the second round, they have to beat Ghana and Italy has to beat the dirty Czechs. It's just that simple. I personally just hope they score a goal.

Leave for a Week and Craziness Happens

2006-06-15T17:53:00.000-07:00

It's been a pretty good week, considering the last time I was this far west I saw a bomb explode in a garbage can near Janet Evans during the Atlanta Olympics. Poor Janet Evans. So far, the 3-0 US World Cup loss has been the worst thing that has happened. And then I go to imdb.com and see the movie news for today, June 15, and all heck breaks loose.

The US is flexing their muscle to get allofmp3.com closed. They're threatening to leave Russia out of the World Trade Organization if they don't destroy it. Oh, well -- mafia in some other country will pick up that lucrative ball and start running with it.

The Australian Parliament is attacking the new "Fast and the Furious" sequal, not because it sucks but rather because it teaches kids to drive badly. Someone should tell them that that's kinda the whole point.

The Parents' TV Council (PTC) and the American Family Assn. (The dreaded AFA) successfully got CBS fined 3.3 million dollars for showing a "teenage orgy" during an episode of Without a Trace. Weirdly, the PTC was offering the clip in question on its web site, which gave busybodies a chance to see the orgy for themselves. CBS is claiming that the only people who sent in a complaint were whipped up by these two orgainizations, and therefore never watched the show. Lost in all this hubbub is the fact that Without a Trace sucks.

My Name is Earl is coming out with a special DVD-only episode sold with its first season DVD package. It features an alternate universe where Earl tries to punish anybody who's ever wronged him. Epth Nation loves this sort of thing, and expects to see more of it in our DVD extra/internet age.

Neilsen will soon be adding internet viewers to their ratings system. So, you three dudes, you will be counted now.

World Cup ratings are up, and clearly, Epth Nation is partially to blame. We apologize to the sports fans of America, who were treated to a rollicking 1-0 Swedish victory over Paraguay, crushing the hopes of that depressed South American drug factory. Sorry for getting you interested in soccer once every four years.

In other news, Iran told Fox News that they would be willing to help the US in Iraq.

There is nothing else to say. Good news in Iraq? Good news in Iran? Iran talks to Fox News? Iran willing to help us?

Man, they must really want nukes.

Oregon is Weird

2006-06-14T16:21:00.000-07:00

Tillamook Cheese Factory and Multi-Purpose Enterprise.

People are doing the chicken dance in the next room, so forgive me if this post lacks focus. Actually, some of my nephews have a CD of the world's most catchily annoying songs -- the chicken dance, the new and "urban" electric slide, the so-called "Hamster Dance," YMCA, The Limbo, etc.

Actually, I'm now watching Germany play against Poland in the World Cup. As far as I can tell, the relationship between Germany and Poland in soccer is the same as the Packers and the Bears. Both respective fan bases hate each other, but the team that's not as good really hates the other team. Packer fans hated the Bears in the 80's, and that reversed in the 90's and 00's. The fans of the "good" team feel smug and postmodernally "so over" the whole rivalry, which in turn infuriates the fans of the "bad" team and whips them into even more of a spiteful frenzy. Anyway, this post isn't about Germany and Poland, although it probably should be. Did you know that 121 soccer hooligans were arrested the night before this soccer game, 20 of whom were having a "practice fight." What is that? Were they practicing for a real fight, and if so why didn't they bring practice knives?

We're at minute 73 of a 90-minute game. I have a feeling this one is going to end 0-0. What are the Germans and the Polish supposed to do with that?

This is how wars get started. Imagine a tie between the Packers and Bears. There would be mass confusion about how to feel. Pray that never happens, ok? Oh, good, Germany just scored. The natural order of things has been preserved. Poland just felt invaded all over again.

No, this post is about Tillmook, OR, home of the regionally-famous Tillamook Cheese Factory. It took a 40-mile drive up the coast on Pacific Coast Hwy 101 to get there, but boy was it worth it. First of all, the drive is absolutely gorgeous. Oregon is a haven for large evergreen trees, and they grow in packs just about everywhere. There are also cows all over the place, which is strange because in my experience cows are found on great boring wide-open plains and not picture-perfect green valleys a mile away from the ocean. It's very much like a mountainy version of northern Wisconsin, and I feel right at home here, especially when eating cheese.

There's no way to explain the climate and vegetation of Oregon, actually. The best way to learn about it is to watch Twin Peaks. Even thought that was filmed in Washington state, it looks very much the same. It's like a whole different planet than Texas exists in, and it's in the same country. God bless the USA. From the mountains, to the valleys, and all that.

We drove up the coast on Hwy 101 (or, as I called it in my head, Depeche Mode 101) and passed cows and mountains and cows and trees and bigger trees and browner cows and towns and dirty-looking restaurants and more and better cows. Eventually we needed some gas, so we stopped at a Shell in Beaver, OR. The number one thing about Oregon you probably don't know is the fact that you can't pump your own gas. That's right, there's no such thing as self-serve. When asked the reason for such a hassle-intensive and un-American practice, one local resident told us that it's ostensibly for safety and labor purposes, but the real reason is that Oregon just likes to be different*. Anyway, even though we were warned, it's hard to imagine just how stupid mandatory full-serve is until you've experienced it. Gone was all the convenience of paying at the pump, as well as the ability to call an audible in mid-purchase. And I thought the Wright Amendment and "Michigan Lefts" were dumb. I feel like anything is possible now, in terms of stupid legislation. What's next, someone scolding me for tying my shoes in public? The mind boggles.

After getting pumped in Beaver, we made our way past even more cows, mountains, treeless hills that looked like a war-zone, rivers, sand dunes, cows, and a giant WWII-era blimp hangar that now holds an "Air Museum," whatever that is. I'm imagining planes, but with Oregon being the environmental state it is, the place might be entirely devoted to different kinds of air. We drove on without checking it out because we were getting antsy for some cheese.

Tillamook, OR is a mile-or-so long strip of town located right on Depeche Mode 101. The Cheese Factory is on the north edge of the town, and so we were getting worried when we passed all this stuff coming from the south and still didn't see it. There was actually no chance of missing it, because it's a giant oxydol-white industrial complex with "Tillamook Cheese Factory" written in large happy blue letters on the side. As we drove up, I got slight flashbacks to my brewery tour of a couple weeks ago, but only slight because this place is about 1/100th the size of Anheuser-Busch, and has the clean smell of dairy and sugar rather than the dirty smell of hops and yeast. Upon entrance to the Cheese Compound, you are bombarded with a number of different food-related shops to choose from: The Farmland Cafe', a full-fledged restaurant with lots of greasy food; A Fudge Shop that claims to be run by farmers, and whose friendly counter people will gladly tell you the approx. distance you are from Portland and how long it will take you to get there; A Frozen Fun Food (not sure about the name) shop with some seriously tasty strawberry cheesecake-flavored ice cream; A gift shop with all the different varieties of Tillamook cheeses, including every cheese factory's nuclear weapon, fresh squeaky cheese curds; and a self-guided tour of the plant that consists of 2 big rooms and a bunch of big machines and disinterested workers. Yeah, the tour is boring, but it has free samples. I guess that's the default attitude one must take during every factory tour, no matter which kind it is.

We saw the factory, ate some free samples, bought some ice cream, made yummy noises, bought a bunch of cheese, bought some refrigerator magnets, and felt like my parents the whole time. I don't think I have to tell you that it was a fantastic and magical place, filled with all manner of cheese.

There were a lot of old people there and a lot of families with teenagers. I don't know what that means, but it was nice to see teenagers who didn't seem too cool for their parents. Is that a feature of Oregon? I like it.

A word of warning, or perhaps opportunity: There are no black people in Oregon, or at least none that I don't personally know. Everyone we see no matter where we go -- restaurants, cheese factories, hiking trails, casinos, grocery stores, etc -- is as white as the smocks worn by the cheese factory workers. This strikes me as strange, given the high levels of acceptance and environmental smackdownism** that I've seen. So this might be a good time for black people to move out here. It's beautiful, it rarely snows, and everybody has a sheen of love and acceptance painted over them by force when they move in. Yes, it rains a lot and it's not what you would call warm, but I definitely sense an opportunity here.

Or maybe it's lily-white for a reason. A sinister reason. Somebody needs to investigate this.

Gotta go...the Electric Slide is on.

* How is Oregon diffferent? Let me count the ways...The gas-pumping thing, lack of a sales tax, legal medical marijuana, legal assisted suicide, a Portland P.D. that refuses to cooperate with the FBI, and about 10 other things that are too complicated to explain here but would blow your mind if you heard them. I asked this Oregonian (my brother-in-law Pete) the gas pump question and was given a long flowing river of insanity. In the end, I felt glad that Dallas just has rampant crime and no city leadership.

** For example, they charge you 5 cents upfront for aluminum cans, and you get the money back when you recycle them. By that I mean 5 cents for every can. Also, I've seen a number of restaurants with signs by the napkins imploring people to take only as many as they need. I'm trying to picture either of those situations happening in Texas, and all I end up with is some wounded store clerks and a guy in cowboy boots taking wads of napkins and throwing them at people. Texans value their independence quite a bit, and Oregonians apparently just like feeling like they're better than the people in all those other states.

Mickey Rourke: Notorious or just Sketchy?

2006-06-14T16:08:00.000-07:00

When I'm doing stuff with people, many of them wonder if their antics or the antics we experience will "make the blog." I'm here with my wife's family, and most of the stuff that goes on here is stuff I'd rather not bring up in a blog setting. I hope that doesn't hurt anyone's feelings. One thing that must be brought up in public, however, is a Scattergories issue that blew my mind. The category? Something Notorious. The Letter? M. My answer? Mickey Rourke.

I didn't get the Scattergories point, and I'm still whining about it two days later. Who's more notorious than Mickey Rourke? Hitler, possibly. I asked for an example of a notorious person and my wife came up with Al Capone and Rasheed Wallace. I'm pretty sure Rasheed never donated money to the IRA or supported President Bush, is all I'm sayin'.
Discuss. Agree with me. Read this Salon.com article from 2002.

The New Face of Failure

2006-06-12T10:18:00.000-07:00

The USA is down 2-0 in their most important game in this "World Cup." It also happens to be their first game, so we went from overhype to crushing disappointment in about half an hour. I've been watching the game, and I don't understand what's so great about this current US team. I liked them better when they were underdogs. They're playing sloppier soccer than Angola, for Pete's sake. They look like a high school team out there. It takes them 10 seconds to get the ball out of bounds, and all their passes seem to be aimed at the heads of the Czech Republic players.

The big question now is if the USA can recover from this loss, and if they can't, who do we root for? The obvious choice is England, since only about 70% of their country hates us. And had they not tried that taxation without representation crapola, we might still be the dirty English. Second choice? Mexico, because they'll be a part of us soon anyway. We will assimilate them like the Borg. Plus, they beat those nuclear Iranians 3-1 yesterday. Brazil has a bunch of cool players that do bits (such as dribbling with one's head or going by one's first name), and they came up with churrascarias. I suggest we implement a Monroe Doctrine of sorts here...we root for the New World against the Old World. Get off our land, European Union. Or...allow us to beat us on your land, I mean.

Also, it's hard to root against African countries. It's hard to root against people who need food.

Also, it's ghostly weird to have them playing in the stadium at Nuremberg. Maybe this Germany thing wasn't such a good idea. Can Europe ever get out from under Hitlers shadow? Maybe this so-called World Cup will help.

Note I never mentioned whether or not I thought the US could recover. I figure they'll micraculously tie Italy and beat Ghana, and the Republic of Czech will miraculously lose to Ghana and Italy, and the US will squeak into round two where they will lose 5-0 to Brazil because they'll never be able to get the ball from the head-dribbling guy.

Oh, did I say they were losing 2-0? I meant 3-0. Soccer is so harrrrd. I'm ready for football season.

I am looking at the ocean right now.

2006-06-10T17:11:00.000-07:00

This internet thing seems to be working right now, and that's exciting. Yesterday I got up at 4am and flew standby to Portland. It took us 11 hours of waiting to get there, and then we stayed up another 9 hours and par-tayed. And this after I went to bed at midnight the night before. I was so tired people thought I was drunk.

Some highlights I might tell you more about later:

1) A heated conversation between a United agent and a man who didn't know what his itinerary was. Overheard from the agent: "I don't have to look at that piece of paper if I don't want to."

2) A house graduation party with a jazz band playing that reminded me of "Jazz Times Ten" (can you get that reference?), except there were only six of them.

3) Giant, wonderful, green, and majestic trees all over the place. Also, hills and temperatures under 70. Laugh all you want, reader -- I live in Texas and never get to see these things.

4) My wife and I were the last two of the waiting standby losers to get on our flight from Denver to Portland. They called us up to the counter, said they could only take one of us, called some other dude named "Lechter" (as in same as Hannibal) when we declined, then re-called us when they magically discovered there were actually 2 seats left. Poor Lechter. Yeah, he looked a little miffed. Hope he doesn't try to eat us.

5) I just drank something called "Terminator Stout." Tasted like Guinness mixed with ground-up baker's chocolate. That's not good. Why do these people even bother with the "stout"? It's not like everybody's clamoring for it.

6) We passed a sign that pointed to "Namaste Vineyards." LOST aren't the only people digging up that word, apparently. A google maps search of "Namaste" brings up 120 locations, almost all of which are in the Portland area. This means something, I just know it. We also passed a "Dallas, Oregon." Very disturbing.

7) Portland is a really weird city. Really weird. There's tons of natural beauty, but also a bunch of urban blight. The downtown is strangely ugly, despite being bookended by a river and foothills. It's like they took Boulder, CO, stretched it out, and filled in the blanks with trailers, tattoo parlors, Trail Blazer billboards, and rusty steel beams. Plus -- and there's no better way to put this -- it's totally overrun with hippies, and not in a good way. I'm not even sure there could be a good way.

8) The ocean is peaceful, but it's cold up here.

9) The United flight we took from Dallas to Denver had an in-flight entertainment package that included commericals, Access Hollywood (which is really a commercial disguised as a program), more commercials, and an episode of My Name is Earl. I like that show, but it was the episode where Earl works at a fast food restaurant to make up for the fact that he stole a couples' anniversary money (long story). Whenever a sitcom features characters in a fast food restaurant, they always get it wrong. Managers don't just stand around and demean employees all day. If they did, all their employees would quit, and their bosses (the real ogres in the fast-food world because they don't know what it's like to work at a restaurant) would demand their heads on a platter because the numbers would be atrocious and the flow would not be controlled. You can't demean someone who makes 6 bucks an hour, especially if they're competent. That's management insanity on par with licking the merchandise as you hand it to the customer.

10) Sunset's in a couple of hours. I love vacation.

So We've Established There Will Be Internet...

2006-06-08T21:09:00.000-07:00

...so I WILL be posting next week. This week has been sparse because of training, leaving my job, packing, delivering pizzas, etc. Next week should be crazy-good, unless for some reason I still can't get online.

Tomorrow I'm flying with my wife...standby...from Dallas to Portland, OR. That should be worth a post right there. Maybe we'll get put in first class with the creepy unctious flight attendants! It'll be great.

God bless you all.

A New Writing Habit

2006-06-06T07:43:00.000-07:00

Everything's changin', peoples. This week, I won't be able to blog at work because I'm training a guy to do my job -- that's right, I'm leaving on Thursday! No, not Papa John's, I'm leaving my real job. Then, starting Friday I'll be in the Great Northwest for a week of relaxing, writing, and hanging out with my in-laws. I have not confirmed internet access yet, so it might be a real quiet week here (followed by a period of insane creativity from all the writing I did). Then, the week after that, I start my new job.

It therefore will become necessary to change my daily blogging time -- should it be at night after I get home from the Papa? I don't want to rant and rave about that every night (although some might like it). If I start blogging in the morning I'll have to get up super early, and that might affect the coherence of the posts. Don't worry -- I'll work it out. It just might take some time to adjust, that's all.

Lately I've had a hankering to skewer a Sweet Sixteen episode, since I haven't done so in a while. I'm having trouble getting one from my internet sources, however. Also, I still need to tell you about that Dwarf movie. I almost forgot about that, but not really because its images are burned into my brain. It's really going to be fun, so stay tuned.

Please stay tuned.

Ramblings from Last Night

2006-06-04T15:50:00.000-07:00

I'm now working in Ubuntu Linux 5.whatever (the breezy badger -- what a South African native-sounding name), with Open Office.Org's 2.0 version. It's kinda cool, and the bigger buttons (which are the new default) really make it seem more like a "real" word processor, like Word 6.0. It still takes 5 times too long to start up, but it's functional and still the only way I can save something in Word .doc format. Oh, and it's free with no upgrade rip-off path, so I can't complain. You know, every time I say "I can't complain," the person I'm talking to comes back with, "It doesn't help anyway" or some variation of that sentiment. Are our conversations really this pre-determined? We're all a bunch of robots. Or are we?

Forgive the scattered nature of this post. If this blog were my daily LiveJournal or something, it would probably be like this every day. Thankfully, I'm better than that -- until today.

I'm outside, and it's too hot out here despite being nearly 9pm. I came out here for some Peace and Quiet, and to get away from the Dallas Mavericks blowing a chance to destroy the Phoenix Suns in game 6. I'll soon be forced inside because of the bitey bugs, I fear. Plus, a man can handle only so much peace and quiet. Ok, I'm going inside now.

Charles Barkley just said, "Don't call them WNBA fouls." That's an example of why he's awesome, despite his wandering mind and dubious sports points. The other night somebody held up a sign behind him that warned Kenny Smith to watch out because Barkley might eat him.

I looked up "Epth" in google's blog search and found some interesting stuff, including that guy who said I was a pedo*hile. This other dude provided a much more in-depth review of my blog. He caught it at the "LOST + basketball" time of year, and since he's not interested in those things, he gave it an average review. I assume he didn't read too many of my posts, or he'd see this blog has at least 5 or 6 other subjects it talks about on a monthly basis. I'll take his suggestion of improving my archives, though -- he's right, they are unwieldy. Ok, so he didn't use that word, but it he were a better writer that's the word he would have used. My wife informs me that she looked at the site, too, and that it was some sort of dating sight. I guess that guy doesn't want to date me now with my "average content" and all.

My wife wants to get me on a reading program where I read all the classics I missed out on when I was in school. I wasn't much of a "reader," you see. She said I should start with Where the Red Fern Grows and Tom Sawyer and Any Shakespeare Play and go from there. I'm starting with American Gods, which is not a classic but she's making me read it anyway. Or rather, I want to read it. What's that? Oh, and that's right, I never read Tom Sawyer. Heard the Rush song a bunch of times, though. His mind is not for rent by any God or government, that's all I know. Mark Twain is such an individualist.

The Mavs are just throwing this game away. They look like the Bucks right now. Don't they want to win? It's time for Dirk to win this by himself, and add to his German superstardom. Do you, dear reader, see David Hasselhoff at the game the other night? Is he the least cool global superstar we have right now? Why is he so popular in Germany? Are they getting back at us for, you know, the unpleasantness in the 1940's? Someone should tell them that WW II was their fault, and that it's ok for them to listen to U2 now.

I'm just really disturbed right now...got a lot of dissonance in my head...can't figure out what to do...can't stay on one topic for more than 2 minutes...should I jut quit and do laundry...hey, Dallas is within 4.

Do "Parmesan Encrusted Fish Bites" sound appetizing to you? Does something so processed even count as food? Is the nutritional label for this just a skull-and-crossbones? Do they have "Mr. Yuk" stickers anymore?

Today we ate at Gameworks at Grapevine Mills Mall. Yes, we were at the mall. Anyway, I ordered a BBQ Beef Bacon Pizza and received a BBQ Bacon Burger. It had almost all of the right ingredients! I didn't say anything, because I wanted to eat then -- not 15 minutes from then. As the waiter laid it down on the table, my wife and I just looked at each other, knowing that a super-quick decision had to be made. I just thanked the waiter and ate the wrong food, laughing about the mix-up. Does this seem weird to you? Do you think I should have sent it back and waited the 15 minutes for the correct order? If you do, then you need to expand your mind brother. There are things I can put up with, and those I can't. The BBQ Bacon Burger happens to be a mistake I can deal with. It's not like they brought out a veggie burger with extra pectin or something.

Well, the Mavs just won. First time ever in the NBA Finals for them! The Fatherland must be jumpin'.

Two Ways to Deal with a Bad Review

2006-06-02T14:46:00.000-07:00

When I did my last Cavalcade of Blogs, I never expected to get a reaction from the Bloggers themselves. That was pretty stupid of me. You see, I took the time to look up "Epth" in Icerocket's blog search and got this post from the author of one of the blogs I reviewed (not linked to because we don't feed trolls):

This is Epth Nation: The Worst Blog Period. End of Story,
This is Epth Nation: This blogger is on National AlertRegistry.com Pedo*hile List and as seen on Dateline NBC 'To Catch a Predator'

So there you go. This is the Worst Blog Period, that you are reading. Will this stop me from ever doing another Cavalcade? If I stop now, the terrorists win.

Writing Projects on which I am Working

2006-06-02T07:06:00.000-07:00

A short story (that will probably turn out to be a novella) about a guy who becomes a "first person shooter." It's part of the soon-to-be-acclaimed "Mongolian Tiger Monkey Nonology." That means nine books, people. I'm probably 1/4 of the way done with the first draft.

A story called "8th vs. Ocean," about a man who gets in over his head. That's all I can say right now. The story has started.

Of course, there's always the sprawling novel "As Far as You Know," formerly known as the Violent Parodies Director project. This is in hiatus, until I cut my teeth on something easier. It will be done someday, just not soon.

I'm also writing a devotion book in the sense that I know I have to write it but am just putting it off for no good reason. I haven't started it yet, sadly.

My giant post on the foibles of Linux will probably get done June 9-16 on my trip to Portland. Yes, it will be a relaxing week. I don't know how much I'll be posting or what the internet situation will be, but I'll be writing stuff, so there will either be a lot of posting then or the busiest week ever from the 17th-24th.

2006 Milwaukee Bucks Draft Hat

2006-06-02T06:35:00.000-07:00

Notice anything strange?

We're going back to Christmas colors, baby! The red and green I grew up with is coming back, and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it!

Seriously, purple is my favorite color, but I'm totally going to enjoy the change. They unveil the new uniforms in September, and I can't wait to see them.

Fire Terry Stotts.

If No Humans are Interested, is it Really "Human Interest"?

2006-06-01T06:23:00.000-07:00

Last night as I watched Channel 8's uptight-looking John McCaa fly solo on the 10 o'clock news, I wondered how it had come to this: The Mona Lisa's lips were moving, and an Italian woman's voice was coming out. It seems a scientist used her hand and head size to determine her height, then used that data to come up with a voice that was "90% accurate." I then wondered if a painting of Mike Tyson in this scientist's hands would sound like, you know, Mike Tyson. I wondered if you could really get a voice pattern right 90% of the time just by looking at a picture of somebody. I wondered if you could tell a person's height just by the size of their hands and head. I wondered if this scientist was just playing a joke on all local news stations everywhere.

All my wondering was in vain, because none of these questions were answered. Was I just supposed to accept this as her voice and move on as if nothing had happened? Also, what exactly is the scientific purpose of doing something like making the Mona Lisa talk? It's not like we can go back in time and see if we're right. So (and this is a question I seem to be asking 20 times per half-hour newscast) why is this news? It must be ratings-driven, but who really wants to see this? Is it supposed to get ratings by making us mock them? I don't get it.

And it's not just what they report, but how they report it. They don't get into any depth on any story, because they don't want to bore the audience with actual reporting. They didn't care if they could answer the question of "did Mona Lisa really sound like that?" -- they just wanted to show the Mona Lisa's computer-generated mouth moving. Whether or not it's news didn't even come into the discussion, probably. If someone did a dubious study on the farting habits of babies, they would show babies farting and ask no questions. That's apparently how news works these days.

I'm now declaring a moratorium on pictures of my head and hands, so Dr. Frankenmouth can't make me say things from beyond the grave with what he's 90% sure is my voice. Oh, and the Mona Lisa? Look up "not that great buddy" in the dictionary and you'll see a (now talking) picture of it. Give me The Rock over her anyday.

Useless News: 5.31.06

2006-05-31T06:16:00.000-07:00

May is over, so any May flowers you were going to plant will die if you try to plant them now.

Now, the news:

First of all, "Brangelina" is a horrible nickname for a couple, even one as deserving of a horrible nickname as Pitt-Jolie. Other options, anyone? "And"? Anyway, they had their freak-baby in Namibia. That's in Africa. Shiloh Nouvel Pitt-Jolie is now a Namibian citizen for life, much to the delight of the Namibian people, who up until now were totally ignored by the rest of the world. Here's a quote from this ABC News story:

Hopelonge Ipinge, the Namibian ambassador to the United States, told ABC
News that officials had been happy to help the couple by arresting and even
deporting intrusive paparazzi.
"They were just given protection in terms of
the security not for someone to intrude in their privacy," Ipinge said. "They
need to be protected."
Namibians say they have a deep cultural respect for
privacy, but many are thrilled by all the publicity.

Look for more celebs to go this route in the future -- they can defeat the paparazzi, and all they have to do is move to a third-world dirtbowl. They deported those scumbags! If only we could exile them to like France or something.

If you put your fingers in your ears and hum, maybe the noise will go away. Actually, This is Epth Nation doesn't have all the facts on this Indian AIDS thing yet, but you can bet Bono's all over it.

The Government Cabal increases its power to silence dissent: The Supreme Court voted 5-4 today to remove the protections that government employees have w/r/t outing their superiors' bad behavior. I guess the First Amendment doesn't apply to them anymore. I wonder if they signed a form to that effect when they took the job. Anyway, this makes the new "Alito-Roberts-Plus" Supreme Court 0-1, continuing the last court's almost superhuman losing streak.

Soon, the little guy will no longer be welcome in America. You know, Mexico is quite affordable, if you can get past the dirt and corruption.

As the threat of terrorism grows and grows like Katie Couric's ego, the FBI has finally given up its search for the dead bones of Jimmy Hoffa. Why waste everyone's time and money like this? Here's a telling quote from the evil Gannett News Service:

Although critics have said that the FBI wasted the public’s time and money
searching for Hoffa’s body, Milford Township Police Chief Wayne Walli said
authorities had no choice but to dig.“Certainly the information was credible. It
was necessary to pursue it,” Walli said. Had the property owner found the body,
“we would never live that down.”

So the FBI (and local law enforcement) is worried about the embarassment that some dude finding Hoffa's body would cause? They got over the embarassment of 9/11, I think they could get over this.

What France is doing is definitely working. We should be more like them. 40% unemployment for the young is a small price to pay for the ability to feel better than the U.S. Somebody should tell France this is the 21st century and the economy has changed. But that might just be me being too critical again. In fact, this whole post is really critical. I think it's time for some happy news...

The MTV Laguna Beach spinoff, The Hills, debuts tonight. It's got L.C. in it, so how bad can it be? She defeated that d-bag...what was his name? Jason? And now she's taking on the offices of Teen Vogue. It would be better, methinks, for L.C. to leave the public eye after her big victory in Laguna Beach Season 2. We want to remember her as the girl who told Jason he was a big fat jerk. She just can't top that.

Finally, I developed a pretty good Shakira impression over my 4-day weekend, but I think I lost it.

St. Louis Pictures

2006-05-30T20:32:00.000-07:00

1) The Edward Jones Dome, which many sarcastically call the Howard Jones Dome, where no-one is to blame.

2) The Wondrous Atrium of the Terry Gilliamesqually-designed Embassy Suites. This is the fountain. Free beer was located to the right.

3) Every city should have an Arch.

4) Street-level view of New Busch Stadium. I saw signs on Hwy 44 in Missouri that said, "The Cardinals pay for our roads, we'll pay for their stadium." They turned out to be half-right, the poor baseball-hating losers.

5) View of the arch from the museum's entrance line. Looks like a Pink Floyd album cover, IMO.