Intermission: Open Letter to Alias, Inc.
Dear Alias Writers,
Here are 5 suggestions to improve your already-great show. Our research indicates that implementation of each one of these suggestions will improve your ratings 1.23%.
1) Instead of names like "SD-6", "K-Directorate", "CIA", and "NPR", choose more colorful and interesting names like "Afro-sheen", "Fish People", and "Pile of Lint".
2) Characters with bad hair should be killed. These characters include: Will, Vaughn, Sark, That One Guy in Episode Nine, and That One Guy Who was on "The Single Guy". Well, that last guy will need to be dug up and killed again. Also, invite Pete Sampras for a cameo and have him killed too, preferably with a razor-sharp tennis racket.
3) All this Rambaldi stuff is too confusing. Instead of a 500-year-old inventor, make Sloane become obsessed with a 5-year-old psychic talking puma voiced by Bill Walton.
4) Instead of Sloane, make Charlie the Cheating Bastard from the first part of the first season the main bad guy. Have him cheat on Francie again, then Sydney, then Will, then Sloane, then Sark, then Sydney's mom, then on his taxes, then have him take steroids and play baseball, then have him shoplift some Rambaldi documents from "Kohl's". I don't know why they'd be in Kohl's, they pay you to think of that.
5) Two Words: Zombie Daniel.
Thanks for your consideration, and if I see any of these on your show in its remaining run, I will sue your pants off.
Michael Pape
Concerned Viewer
Here are 5 suggestions to improve your already-great show. Our research indicates that implementation of each one of these suggestions will improve your ratings 1.23%.
1) Instead of names like "SD-6", "K-Directorate", "CIA", and "NPR", choose more colorful and interesting names like "Afro-sheen", "Fish People", and "Pile of Lint".
2) Characters with bad hair should be killed. These characters include: Will, Vaughn, Sark, That One Guy in Episode Nine, and That One Guy Who was on "The Single Guy". Well, that last guy will need to be dug up and killed again. Also, invite Pete Sampras for a cameo and have him killed too, preferably with a razor-sharp tennis racket.
3) All this Rambaldi stuff is too confusing. Instead of a 500-year-old inventor, make Sloane become obsessed with a 5-year-old psychic talking puma voiced by Bill Walton.
4) Instead of Sloane, make Charlie the Cheating Bastard from the first part of the first season the main bad guy. Have him cheat on Francie again, then Sydney, then Will, then Sloane, then Sark, then Sydney's mom, then on his taxes, then have him take steroids and play baseball, then have him shoplift some Rambaldi documents from "Kohl's". I don't know why they'd be in Kohl's, they pay you to think of that.
5) Two Words: Zombie Daniel.
Thanks for your consideration, and if I see any of these on your show in its remaining run, I will sue your pants off.
Michael Pape
Concerned Viewer
posted by Mike Pape @ 12:14 PM
2 Comments:
At 11:23 PM,
Brian said…
This is funny, because I haven't seen a single first-season episode, and I've only seen scattered season 2's. But all the season three eps. Wait for season four, episode seven. Shit's going down then. Again, I gotta say I'm relieved that some people with taste are hip to this show, becasue I wondered for a while if I was just crazy for liking it. Not that that would've made me like it less, but I gotta figure that since I'm so blasted opinionated, once in a while I have to step back and make sure my opinions are still reasonable.
But really, I gotta stop posting drowsy, late-night comments. WHat I really want to know is, did you get a chance to browse that Mountain Goats mix, and how did it sit with you?
At 8:34 PM,
Mike Pape said…
Ok, I'm listening to it tomorrow. I just rescued it from the void of Jill's car, because nothing that lives there can be said to exist in any tangible way. I'm excited, because it looks like fun.
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