This is Epth Nation

Epth is a state of mind, not a place. Reading this will give you a virtual drivers license in that state, but you'll still need to be 21 to purchase alcohol. And you can't get any there anyway, so stop asking.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Our News Department is Back in Session

Sorry about last Wednesday, folks -- our crack News department was busy moving parts from one room to another. It won't happen again, as far as I know. Here's the news I care about today.

Hey, all of you who have visted Dallas and taken the Dart Train (our light-rail system), I have some news for you: It's now been taken over by rampaging youth thug scum. The Dallas crime problem is everywhere, people. Jill, I don't think we'll be taking the train anytime soon.

Here's one man's story, stolen from Frontburner:
Saturday afternoon, I went with some friends to the Social Distortion concert at Jack's Pub. Afterwards, we went to a couple of house parties off of Greenville. Since the concert started around 4, we were all worn out pretty early, so we headed back to a friend's house to relax around 11ish. I had taken the train down from Parker station, so I knew that I needed to get back to my car before the trains stopped running. My friends dropped me off at the Spring Valley station just as the 11:46 train was pulling out. No worries, though. There's another one at 12:02. Unfortunately, things aren't always as simple as they seem.

I walk up to the platform to wait for the train and grab a seat. A few seconds later, I notice a group of young black people come onto the platform. There were probably 7-8 guys and 2 or 3 girls. I didn't think much of it at the time. One of the guys walked by and asked if he could borrow a dollar. I had long since run out of cash, so I told him, "Sorry man, I'm flat broke." He walks back to his friends and they sound like a normal group of young people talking & having fun.

A few moments later, I'm still sitting there, not really paying much attention to anything and waiting on the train, and I see the guy coming back by (kind of at a fast walk or trot pace) out of the corner of my left eye. Just as he comes by me, I feel a stinging blow on the left side of my face, and I hear several of his friends go "ooooooohh!" in awe/excitement. It takes me a second to register that this guy had just punched me in the face for no obvious reason. By the time it registered, I looked up and he was coming back at me, but now 3 or 4 of his friends were also coming at me from the side.

I got to my feet, but at this point, things were moving so fast I can't even remember everything that happened. I was trying to defend myself as well as I could, but because of the sheer number of them I never had the chance to go on the offensive. At one point, I remember thinking... maybe I could damage one of them if I could throw him onto the track, so I ducked my shoulder and started driving 3 or four of them backwards, but we all stumbled and fell before we made it to the track. However, once I was on the ground, I saw the true flaw in that plan, because the few that were still on their feet started to kick me, and kept me down long enough for the others to get up and join in.

I'm not sure how I got up from that point. I think they just got bored with kicking me. But finally I got up. At that point, most of them were walking away, but it seems one of them wasn't finished. He was skinny, kinda lanky. I remember actually saying to him, "When you look at yourself in the mirror after this, are you going to feel like more of a man?" Here I am with blood all over my face, and I'm trying to philosophize to this kid? What the hell was I thinking? So, the kid must think it's a game, and he kinda lunges at me just to see if I flench. At that point, I didn't even care to flench. He should've followed through with his swing, because he probably could've hit me--but he didn't. So I swung back and made a pretty solid connection. That's probably the only real damage I did to any of them during the whole altercation (besides scrapes/bruises from wrestling them to the ground). My swing connected, and I just thought to myself: "If I had this punk one-on-one, I would destroy him." And no sooner had that thought passed across my brow, did 3 of his friends come at me again.

At this point, one of their "lookouts" must've alerted them that the train was coming into the station, because they scattered like the cowardly rodents that they are. I hopped onto the train (and with my bloody & battered face, probably scared the crap out of the few passengers that were already aboard) and called 911 to report what had happened.

That's pretty much it. I met Richardson PD & DART PD at the next stop and gave them my story. An ambulance came along and cleaned me up a bit, and
DART PD took me home.

You see, this is what happens when you go to a Social Distortion concert. And yes, the Spring Valley Station is the one closest to my apartment. If anyone needs me, I'll be cowering in my bathtub until they rebuild our fence, having dialed "9-1" and with my finger on the last "1".

So Tom Cruise decided he would pick whichever young actress he wanted, set up a meeting with her, and seduce her. That actress turned out to be Katie Holmes, who once (like 10 years ago) told the teenie bopper rag Seventeen that she dreamed of marrying Tom Cruise. I don't usually think two seconds per week about Hollywood power couples, but Tom Cruise went on Oprah the other day (which just happened to be on in the service department here. Don't ask) and professed his love for the young cutie, even going so far as to jump up and down on Oprah's couch about it. Now that it's in my face, I've got to ask the question -- is this a joke? He's in love with...Katie Holmes? Who's next -- The Olsen Twins? Is Ms. Holmes even a Scientologist? Is he trying to bang the whole cast of Dawson's Creek? Because James Van Der Beek might have a problem with that.

The worst part about the Opah appearance was the Oprahites in the audience cheering like starved Survivor contestants who just won some Doritos. American women of all ages need to get over Tom Cruise, and fast, before my head a-splodes. And no, I'm not going to explain why I hate Tom Cruise. Doesn't everybody hate him? I suppose those of you who like him can assume it's jealously and turn your brain off to any negative things I might have to say about him, if it will make you feel better.

It looks like Spain's policy of capitulation to terrorists is not getting the results they wanted. Amazingly, the terrorists didn't just lay down their weapons when offered peace talks. And who knew there still were people who considered themselves Basques out there? Apparently, they also want their own country. Don't we all.

I've stayed out of the stem cell debate on this blog because of the complexities and difficulties of the issue. It's a tough call, in other words. The House just passed a bill that would allow strictly supervised use of discarded human embryos for stem cell research. Bono is for it. No, not that one, this one. Hottest member of congress ever? I for one support her because she's so good-looking.

And a final note this morning -- one of the blogs I read is by a Christian scriptwriter in Hollywood, Barbara Nicolosi. In the notes from one of her talks, I found something interesting (to me, anyway). She seems to think that Gen's X and Y are getting "exhausted with unbelief and lack of meaning", and the movies directed to them have reflected this (Eternal Sunshine, Garden State, Lost in Translation, Hitch). It's an interesting point I hadn't thought of. But I'm still not going to see Hitch.


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