Thanksgiving in Name Only

The last thing we want to do in America today is give thanks. What do we have to be thankful for, anyway? We've got terrorists trying to kill us because we love freedom, an ever-increasing list of bills to pay for things we don't even need, no job security to speak of, and people trying to make us feel guilty for everything from eating meat to downloading music. These are indeed terrible times to be alive and American. Therefore, our national holiday of "Thanksgiving" has become just "Turkey Day" for most of us. It's no wonder the day has become mostly about these 10 things (in reverse order for maximum suspense):

10) Tofurky as a political/social statement (for those non-eaters out there).
9) Pre-Kwanzaaaaa hype and preparation.
8) The Pilgrims, who came over here just to discover turkey, and for no other reason.
7) Pies, lots of pies.
6) The Native Americans whom we wronged so greviously. In fact, get off our land.
5) Joining it with Halloween to make a sort of "Fall Harvest mish-mash of fun."
4) Getting up at 4am to get that $5 toaster at Wal-mart, while supplies last.
3) Four-day weekend, beeatches.
2) Tryptophan. I mean, turkey.
1) NFL Football, which includes John Madden and his inane "turducken."