This is Epth Nation

Epth is a state of mind, not a place. Reading this will give you a virtual drivers license in that state, but you'll still need to be 21 to purchase alcohol. And you can't get any there anyway, so stop asking.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Cavalcade of Blogs II: (Not Reggie Bush)

Back by "banco popular" (pronounced "bahn-koh pop-oo-larr") demand, it's another Cavalcade of Blogs! That's where I start at this blog, click on Blogger's handy-dandy "next blog" button, and keep doing it until I confirm again that I have the best Blog in the free world. It's random, po-mo, and totally extreme blogging at its most extreme. So put down that skateboard and get ready, because here we go...

1) Her Confessions; (?)

Despite the fun URL, I could not confirm or deny the existence of any fluffy snowmen on this blog. It starts out with an Oxydol white entrance page that has a grayed-out picture of several guitars (I figured out later that the author is probably in Music School somewhere in England). There are three tiny links (which are indicated by the fact that you see a "plus" sign when you mouse over them -- urgh. I hate nonstandard link indicators) to the right of the image: "me," "entries," and "links." "Me" pops up a biography that's short and to the point, but still manages to be confusing (Eleanor, FOURTEEN, hihs). "Links" brings up an alphabetical list of her friends' blogs, some of which are even more convoluted than this one. "Entries" brings up the overdramatic ramblings of a 14-year-old girl, localized completely in that middle frame for minimum readability. And not only that, but they're confusing, too: She appears to be taking "tuition" class. Is that a class where you work off your tuition by hammering out license plates or something?

Plus, she doesn't actually confess anything.

Sample Sentence: was doing compo and typical anabelle didn't do and was studying her bio in tuition (:
she was saying she doesnt like colourful things but instead like colours on her paper when she study, haha totally ironic !

Grade: D

2) Tickles bei Blogger.com

My first German blog includes features such as naughty words (as translated by Google) and passionate thoughts. At least I think they're passionate. A lot gets lost in the translation. But it's kinda fun to decipher what this guy, Christian Degrees (name translated from German), is trying to say. Mr. Degrees appears to be under attacks of some sort, judging by the subtitle of his blog ("
Here testweise is herumgebloggt. Between seizableness and open to attackness."), but I could not determine who the attackers were. Those silly Germans, always paranoid and looking for scapegoats.

Also features the German word for "to blog", which is apparently "bloggen."

Sample Sentence (translated by Google): The world seems to me today so unusually, somewhat superficially, nearly unreally. Notice procedures reserved; a kind of raisedness. Beautifully, beautifully. To the arrogance again little indifference, Aalglaette. So it is to solidify itself, then it is to remain.

Grade: D+

3) Celibate in the City

Check out this blog's tagline: "Misadventures of urban dating and life for a Mormon woman living in Gotham. She's single! She's sexy!....She's celibate. These are her stories." That's what the consultants at BlogConformistsUSA would call "A great blog concept." At least at first glance, it is. But what of the content? After perusal of the blog, do we readers care about this sexy Mormon, or is she just a different breed of internet hooch?

Well, the introduction sets the stage pretty well, but once you get past all the window-dressing a very fundamental and disappointing question needs to be asked of this New York Mormonette: Why aren't you dating Mormons, or at least people who believe in celibacy? I see from reading this that you have grown up with LDS men and have "biases" against them, but do you really see anything else working out? If not, why date generic East Coasters? Most of those douches date so they can have sex. If you're committed to being celibate, is it any wonder why things aren't going so well?

The whole theme of the blog is about finding someone to marry, and how the Mormon Church looks down upon singles over 25 years old. That's interesting. Rail against that more.

Sample Sentence: It was not having sex that made me so insecure with him. I knew he liked me, was attracted to me and enjoyed my company. But I knew he was used to sleeping with his women. I knew he wanted to sleep with me too. I didn't know how to maturely deal with the situation. Our discussion about sex went as follows:
"By the way, you're not getting any from me."
"I figured as much. That was an odd way to put it."
"Well, it's not an easy thing to bring up."
"I imagine so."
Then we went back to kissing.

Grade: B+

4) A-Team???

Since I don't have the appropriate Firefox language pack installed, this page is just a bunch of question marks and a few links to Asian hobby crapola. In light of this, here's the lyrics to the A-Team action figures commericals of the 80's:
They're the A-Team (you know they're soldiers of fortune)
They're the A-Team (helping people in need)
You can pretend that you're Hannibal, Murdock or Face -- or even B.A. Baracus, you know each one is an ace.
Each is sold separately, with rifle and gear, so if it's trouble you face, you know the A-Team's here.
They're the A-Team (by Galoob).

Sample Sentence:  エッチぃシーンの原稿を直してたら、編集からメール。ちょうどそのシーンで押し倒されるヒロインのラフ画が送られてきた。それがあまりに「萌え」だったので、押し倒すのが気の毒になり、筆が止まってしまった。パソコンの前で三時間ほどもだえておりましたよ。

Grade: F-- (even if I could read it, I strongly suspect it wouldn't matter.)

5) Stock Trading System -- 12345

This is definitely a spam blog, so look for blog comments about the so-called "Forex stock-trading system" at a blog near you. This blog has exactly two entries, both confusing and dealing with the world of high-finance. It's unclear what the author, a robot named Paul_Forex_trading_etc..., expects these posts to do. Is this an advertisement for some sort of book or website? If I have to ask, it's not a very good one.

Sample Sentence: Interest rates and the relative strength of the economy are the two primary factors that determine the availability of a currency.

Grade: F

6) Tookies

Is there anything more disturbing than a bad beard? In this blog, a guy who looks like that one guy on MADTV (you know, the guy who plays "Stuart") shows off his bad beard and good family to the world. He's got the kind of beard that requires an intervention. Sadly, nobody cares enough about this man to tell him he looks like a sex offender. But then again, so do I. Who am I to intervene? And looking at the archives, it seems the beard is a new phenomenon. What can be grown can also be shaved -- never forget that.

Let's move on, before I start having day-nightmares.

Sample Sentence: looking good

Grade: D for Disturbing

7) Geeklinks.net

With the techie world already awash in techie news sites (slashdot, CNET, The Register, many others), it's unclear what the so-called Mr. Siouxmoux expects to add. Well, it's hard to add something when your blog posts consist of nothing but a copy-and-pasted article from another news source and a link to that article. This blog is a news aggregator, plain and simple. Why you'd read this instead of any of the sites I mentioned before is a puzzle with one solution: you wouldn't.

In short, even though the title mentions "News and Views," there's no views at all and no news you couldn't find somewhere else. Blah.

Sample Sentence: MacBook Pro, which was announced in January and features Intel's Duo dual-core chip, is currently available with a 15-inch screen. The new notebooks will begin shipping next week, Apple said in a statement.

Grade: D-

(editorial aside: Is it too much to ask for some interesting content from this "Next Blog" button? Come on, Google/Blogger! You've got only three more chances!)

8) Lunchbox Films

This blog, the blogoverse arm of Lunchbox Films' marketing dept., has exactly one post, warning us that information will be coming in the future. Here's a tip from an experienced blogger, free of charge -- you might want to have that trailer done BEFORE you start your blog, so you don't look stupid. I don't even think there is a film called "The Other Side of Hell," and even if there is, I never want to see it.

Stick that in your lunchbox.

Sample Sentence (The only one to choose from, actually): I recently just completed the trailer and will soon be posting more details about the completion and release of the film.

Grade: F-

9) Cutthroat Miniatures

Ok, I'm going to disclose first that I have friends who are into "miniatures," (tiny scuplted representations of things, usually monsters and/or swashbuckling heros) and therefore am predisposed against mocking them, even though they are admittedly pretty silly. This blog consists of nothing but pictures of said miniatures, and some of them are kinda cool. You have to at least appreciate the attention to detail, even if you think the "action shots" are a bit much.

Further disclosure: I had a miniature once -- a dwarf. He rode a miniature dragon. Where have you gone, oh symbol of my childhood nerdiness?

Sample Sentence: One Street. Two warbands. One goal. Total annihilation.

Grade: A (for fans of miniatures) or C- (for everyone else)

10) Naturista

Finally, a blog I can really comment on! First of all, I want you to note that there is apparently a Naturist (who are more highly philosophical nudists, from what I can tell -- but I'm sure they'd protest that description) "season," ranging from roughly late April-October. That's when it's warm enough to practice their "clothing optional" lifestyle, apparently. But wait -- if it's really a lifestyle, shouldn't they be doing it all the time? This brings up the question of why they do it at all. There is talk of "being at one with nature." Are clothes really unnatural? Is shame? Is modesty? The next time you're "one with nature," you should ask yourself if that lemur or that fern is subverting their own natural shame in order to feel a certain way. If not, you're not really "one" with them, are you?

Sample sentence:
We also ventured east from Weston Mouth into Littlecombe Bay and found a footpath up the cliff that passes several undercliff dwellings that would be perfect for a Naturist Summer Rental! (imagine coming upon that when you're on vacation...)

Grade: C

Again, one thing is clear from all this: I have the best blog in the world. Consider yourself blessed to be reading it, and not any of these other lame ones.

4 Comments:

  • At 8:46 PM, Blogger Lord Bif said…

    you can mock if you like, I won't get mad. However, my skeleton and orc armies will destroy you.

     
  • At 7:45 AM, Blogger Mike Pape said…

    Aw, they're so cute. I'll have to remember to wear shoes to ward off their prickly swords.

     
  • At 7:14 PM, Blogger JL said…

    You caught me. I haven't been on a real date in a year. And I spent half of last year dating the aforementioned wanker. I started the blog with real date stories, but you'd have to go back to 04 and a couple of posts in 05. I've since lost my mind and consider it a good day if I take a shower, so dating's not much a priority anymore. Thanks for the passing grade though. ;-)

     
  • At 12:58 PM, Blogger Ripsey said…

    Thanks for the A/C grade :)

     

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