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Epth is a state of mind, not a place. Reading this will give you a virtual drivers license in that state, but you'll still need to be 21 to purchase alcohol. And you can't get any there anyway, so stop asking.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Every Alias Character but Francie's Kitchen Sink

If ever a show deserved a knock-down drag-out send-off, it's Alias, which has juggled complicated plots and untrustworthy characters for nearly 5 seasons. The show returned last week after a break of a couple of months, and the special double-episode reminded us all of why we thought Alias was fun in the first place. Having Lena Olin involved didn't hurt. The following are the characters that need to come back over the next few weeks for their final denoument:

Will (obviously, and what is Bradley "Shark Tooth" Cooper doing these days anyway? Will needs to get brainwashed back to 2001 and go back to being a journalist.)
Sark (needs to die a horrific death, preferably by potato.)
Anna Espinosa (Cryogenically unfrozen, then re-frozen just for the heck of it)
Evil Francie (Needs to turn good)
Eric Weiss (Needs to be killed by Zombie Nadia)
Zombie Nadia (Needs to kill Weiss, eat his brains, then fly to Russia as a zombie. Then they can make the first Alias movie and call it: "Zombie on a Plane.")
Lauren (needs to come back from the dead, hand Vaughn divorce papers, shoot self)
Danny, Sydney's fiancee' (needs to be exposed as the evil mastermind behind Prophet 5)
Quentin Tarrantino (needs to come back and wreak general havoc.)
Suit and Glasses (needs to come back and apologize for all he's done, a la My Name is Earl)
Emily Sloane (whose head needs to be in a jar in one of Sloane's filing cabinets at APO, leading Jack & Co. to actually finally investigate him)
Katya Derevko (needs to come back with a neo-nazi army)
The guy played by "Nick" from Freaks and Geeks (needs to drive up and offer Sydney a bag of hash.)

Only if all these people come back will I be satisfied. Have a nice day, JJ, and stop thinking about Star Trek for one second.


  • At 6:55 PM, Blogger jill said…

    David Brent needs to come back as Sydney's new boss. Come on. _I_ had to think of that?

  • At 9:31 PM, Blogger Mike Pape said…

    David Brent! Good suggestion!

    I was on a time schedule, and Blogger was iffy today. Sorry, I'm a failure as a blogger.

  • At 9:59 AM, Blogger Dan said…

    I swear to God. If he makes a Star Trek movie I may just have to boycott him.

  • At 4:26 PM, Blogger Brian said…

    Dude, you forgot one thing: Rambaldi has to be alive.

  • At 8:45 PM, Blogger Mike Pape said…

    You know, Brian, you're right. That makes 2 important Alias references I missed. Maybe the two most important. Rambaldi is totally alive. But who is he? Sloane? Jack? Vaughn? Affleck Baby? The "Cardinal"?

    That's why this ending is going to be must-see TV.

    Dan, start making your signs now, because Kirk and Spock are signed up.

  • At 10:55 AM, Blogger Dan said…



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