Cary Elwes: The new Sarah Michelle Gellar?

Ok, I can think of "Something there is that doesn't love a wall", but nothing else. Is that all Robert Frost wrote? I hate poetry.

I don't consider myself a movie buff, and certainly not a movie critic, and here's why: I won't see any movie I even suspect I might not like. My wife was talking about us seeing the movie Saw, you know, the horror movie starring Cary Elwes? I suspect I won't like it because he's Cary Elwes, and it's a horror movie. The only thing remotely thrilling things I've seen that guy in, The Crush and Kiss the Girls, sucked more than a suckerfish during sucking season, and he was horrible in them. So I'm skeptical of the merits of this to say the least. Plus, I think The Onion panned it, and I would never admit this to my wife but I really do let their reviewers influence what movies I do and don't see.

The real issue here is I don't have enough time in my life for bad movies. I got stuff to do, gotta find a job, gotta update this blog, gotta do stuff around the house, gotta watch this Netflix movie, gotta sit down and have some quiet time, gotta eat, gotta sleep or I'll be dead tomorrow, gotta go to voter's meetings, gotta go to meetings at work, gotta deliver more pizzas, gotta find more jobs, gotta learn a trade, gotta make the bed. And there's more. I don't have time to see an unoriginal mess or a boring cliche'-ridden movie or a sci-fi lack-of-continuity fest or a poorly filmed hack product or a poorly conceived and multiple-times-rewritten action movie with a tacked-on studio-friendly ending or a chick movie with unrealistic male characters that I'm going to have to live up to later on or a comedy with no laughs and too many fluids or a scary movie that just tries to throw CGI at the audience with big booming noises in lieu of actual scares or something I just don't like, for any reason I can think of.

That's why I'm not interested in seeing Saw, or that other horror film The Grudge, because they aren't The Ring, dang it. And I don't want to see Friday Night Lights because they changed a bunch of stuff from the book, the boring potential is off the charts, even though signs are pointing to it being good. And I refuse to see Surviving Christmas because it's October and its concept is repellent to me. And I don't want to see Shall We Dance because I have brain cells. And I don't want to see Ladder 49 because I hated Backdraft, which probably isn't a good reason but shut up. And I don't want to see Shark Tale because, well, The Onion said it wasn't good. And I refuse to see Taxi because shouldn't that be about something else and include guest appearances by Tony Danza and Danny Devito? And I would see The Forgotten, except now most people who've seen it didn't like it, so the suck potential is too high. And I would see What the (Bleep) Do We Know, except Farenheit 911 and spending last weekend in a swing state (Wisconsin) has depleted my propaganda allowance for the year. Plus, it would frustrate me to no end with the jumping to inappropriate scientific conclusions.

Was this post too much information? Yes. Did you love it? Yes.