Experimental Post -- Movie Capsules

Well, we have a guest contributor for this post. I don't know if he's going to work out. His name is Clueless Man, and he's easily confused. Here's his take, in capsule form, on Kill Bill vol. 1:

"Dull, dull, dull. Those are the only 3 words to describe the dialogue in this movie. It was sooooooooo slow. Ugh. And the violence, what there was of it, didn't seem realistic. I mean, at some point it became a cartoon, and then it was at a restaurant, and then it was in a snowy japanese garden. I couldn't follow. Also, having the hero O-Ren Ishi-ee get scalped in the final scene just wasn't funny. I hope she's resurrected for Vol. II. And what was with Uma Thurman predicting the future by circling O-Ren's name before she even kills the first girl? That didn't make any sense. I hope Vol. II can clear all of this up for me, and we get to see more of that Bill lady."

You see my quandry. Anything other than your basic linear plot seems to confuse this guy. And who did he think Bill was? He's a nice guy though, and I've been looking for someone cheap to counterpoint me on movies. We'll see. My own capsule of KB: V.I. goes as follows:

"If you don't know what "cool" is, just watch this movie and you'll be confronted with it in every scene. One-half of Quentin Tarrantino's revenge masterpiece, this half suffers a bit from a lack of emotional grounding and too much (often literally) cartoon violence. But even when it's shallow and bloody, it's still really cool. The swordfight scene between the Bride and the Crazy 88 is by itself worth a $4 rental. Tarrantino loves kung fu movies, and is the best director in the world at picking out music for his films. See it with Vol. II for maximum effect, for the two films balance each other out beautifully."

Movie studios: Feel free to use any of these sentences as quotes for your flashy packaging.