News for Wednesday, 6/15/05

The Michael Jackson verdict came down while I was at the last BP gas station before you reach Dallas, the one in Joplin, MO. That's about 340 miles from Dallas, btw. I don't know why BP/Amoco can't make it in Oklahoma or Texas, but it pains me because I like to use my gas card on trips, and BP/Amoco is the one I have. Needless to say, that worked much better when I lived in Rockford, IL. Anyway, he was found not guilty, but some people seem to think that this will "kill his career". I say his career already was dead except for his hardcore/blind fans, who will probably buy more of whatever he puts out now that Michael has gone through such a "terrible ordeal". This trial will change nothing. Less people will send their kids to sleep with him, but other than that, the Michael Jackson song remains the same.

Sometimes you run across a wire story that has to be a joke:

DUNBAR, W.Va. (AP) -- Larry Gaynor and his brother had to cut their latest fishing trip short after a black bear ate their food and guzzled their beer. Gaynor, 67, and his brother, Billy Bob Gaynor, 53, were camping at Summit Lake near Richwood on Friday when the bear wandered into their campsite at about 9 p.m.

Hearing a noise, they looked outside their tent and saw the bear with its mouth clamped on their cooler. Larry Gaynor said the bear dragged the cooler 30 yards into the woods and flung it against a tree, scattering a case of Coors Light.

"He only drank three cans," Larry he said. "He would've drank all of them if it would've been Budweiser."

Billy Bob Gaynor said the bear ate all of their food so they returned to Dunbar the next day.

"Either relocate them or let me eat them," he said.

There is no hickier state in America than West Virginia. It makes you wonder what else was in that cooler -- some moonshine, perhaps? And is this guy on the Budweiser payroll? The whole thing sounds like an ad for Bud, actually.

Just so everyone knows, I'm also available "for assignment", and I'm not even a douchebag like Sean Penn. Why does the San Francisco chronicle keep sending this lunatic into Middle Eastern countries? Do they think his stories on Iraq were insightful? Did they see his total toolishness at the Oscars last year? I'm sure he'll be able to do some good, though, by pointing out that chants of "Death to America" significantly reduce the chances that a dialogue can be started between the US and Iran. At least he's an equal-opportunity self-righteous boor, telling not only Americans but now people in Iran what to think. And we thought he just hated America.

Here's the thing: the Death Islamic leaders in Iran have a tenuous grip on power -- they need to demonize the US in order to control their citizens. Without the fear of the Great Satan, the people's hate will be directed toward them. They know this, and have been the enemy of the US for years because of it. So Sean Penn telling them that chanting "Death to America" hurts dialogue between the two countries totally misses the point. They don't want dialogue with us because we're evil. We're beyond hope. We, and capitalistic democracy, are their devil.

All this free sex you Americans are having has given us the gift of one million HIV-positive people walkin' around. Hey, you never know -- I might have HIV/AIDS. When did AIDS become HIV/AIDS? All I know is, whenever Bono says HIV/AIDS, an angel contracts the disease. But seriously, this disease is a big problem and we need to deal with it by not having sex with people we don't know. African AIDS is a bigger problem, and we need a bigger solution. Epth Nation supports all global AIDS efforts. Seriously. And we need to come up with a less bulky name for it than HIV/AIDS. How about "HA"? Or "HAIDS"? Or "HADES"? Or "SEAN PENN"? Can't you just see it -- "There have been 8 million more cases of Sean Penn in Uganda this month, and we don't know how much more of this Sean Penn we can stand."

There are 16 suspects being held in Spain on charges that they were planning to go to Iraq and blow themselves up for the goal of Lack of Freedom. What's clear now is that Islamists of the world are uniting, and Iraq has given them a one-way travel destination. The free world must unite as well, and stop bickering over, well, whatever France is saying right now. When the free world unites, the Number of the Beast will be insta-tatooed on the forehead of all those rubes and then we'll all die. Isn't that great? I don't think the Bible really says that.

This just in: Sucking smoke into your body is bad for you. And I thought those reports were just leftist propaganda from the American Lung Association.

To get some more cash and to be closer to his girlfriend, Phil Jackson has decided to come back and coach the hapless Lakers some more. Remember last year when Phil released a book that ripped Kobe for his selfishness and immaturity? Well, forget all that, apparently. As for his chances of success this time, he's aiming low:

"It is not about a tenth championship. It is about coming back here and rebuilding a team which is competitive," he told reporters, saying it would be "a real challenge" to make the playoffs given the strength of the NBA's Western Conference.

At least the man is realistic. Maybe the Lakers will trade Kobe and try to build a Detroit-like team of talented spares. Time will tell, as it always does.

Speaking of time, a dude named Peter Lynds has taken Zeno's paradox and solved it using the idea that nothing in motion is ever at a specfic place at a specific time. What, that sentence didn't make sense to you? Well, this website will make even less sense.

Ok, work is calling. More news later, if the gloved one gets acquitted again or something.