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Epth is a state of mind, not a place. Reading this will give you a virtual drivers license in that state, but you'll still need to be 21 to purchase alcohol. And you can't get any there anyway, so stop asking.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

In Response: Dear Abby, Part II

(The first "Dear Abby" letter I responded to got such a good reception, I decided to do another one. This may become a recurring feature! I need more of those to give your life some structure.)
DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Sybil," had a close friend, "Maxine," who recently offended her. Now she prefers to avoid the woman altogether.

Maxine's husband and I play golf together, and Sybil feels that I am wrong to continue a relationship with him. I disagree; first, because in time my wife's wounds may heal and her relationship with Maxine may resume. Also, I have never dictated who Sybil should or should not befriend, and I feel the reverse should also be true.

Who's right here? You decide! -- "SWINGER" IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SWINGER,

Why did you fake name that poor woman "Maxine"? Any names that rhyme with Bactine should be discontinued as of 10/05/05. That was yesterday, idiot. And while we're on the subject, why did you give your wife the same fake name as that insane girl from that one movie? Are you trying to bias me against her by saying she's nuts? If so, you should have just started your letter: My wife, "Crack Whore," had a close friend, "Antiseptic" etc.

Now to your question. There's some information that you seem to be leaving out. First of all, what did "Bactine" do to your wife? If it's something like "Bactine" didn't send her a thank-you note for that crock pot she bought her, it's time to look into committing your wife, because girl is crazy. This is one thing I don't understand about women -- why they insist on shutting people out of their lives instead of dealing with them like a man. If they want "equal work for equal pay", then they should be forced to also practice "equal not-being-a-b___." Put the claws away, ladies -- you're only hurting yourselves.

However, "Swinger," if the thing Bactine did was, say, try to seduce you at her husband's suggestion, your wife might have a point. I find it odd that you would name yourself "Swinger." Is this what happened? Is this the detail that you're leaving out, that Bactine used her antiseptic wiles to get you to cheat on your poor non-swinging wife? That the very man you're out there golfing with suggested the idea to Bactine as a way to "spice things up"? If it is, Dear Abby can't get on board with that.

But assuming that isn't the case, have you considered that your wife might just be having her "monthly reparitions," and that in a week or so Bactine will be back in her good graces? Try to wait it out, even though (and maybe because) your wife is an unholy she-beast. Tell your wife she has 14 days to fix this. Explain to the guy what you're doing, so he doesn't think you're avoiding him for real. If Crack Whore and Bactine haven't made up by then, call your buddy up and say, "Screw this crap, let's go golfing!" If you're wife protests, inform her that she might be a chick, but you certainly are not. Then drop your pants to prove that point, and start singing the Pink Floyd song "Us and Them." That will make her mad, and she'll stop talking to you.

And isn't that what you really wanted anyway?

4 Comments:

  • At 3:07 PM, Blogger jill said…

    i do not like this post.

     
  • At 11:09 AM, Blogger Mike Pape said…

    I'm sorry. I regret and retract "crack whore." It should have read, "lady with mental defects."






    Satire.

     
  • At 1:18 PM, Blogger the professional said…

    i have to agree with jill; while i did enjoy the end (the part about the dropping of pants) for its, how you say, "wit," i think that the part about blaming the wife's actions on her period are unbecoming of a man with your inteligence and charm.

     
  • At 8:24 PM, Blogger Mike Pape said…

    The whole post was just and excuse to write "monthly reparitions." I enjoy this -- a controversial post!

    They're showing season one of Alias in syndication. It's very odd, knowing all we know now.

     

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