This is Epth Nation

Epth is a state of mind, not a place. Reading this will give you a virtual drivers license in that state, but you'll still need to be 21 to purchase alcohol. And you can't get any there anyway, so stop asking.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

My Jobs Update: End of January, 2006

As many of you know, I have way too many jobs. Since they take up so much of my day (like right now, in fact), I thought you might want to know how they've been going. I normally resist writing about the day-to-day activities in MikeLand, because I hate reading online diaries and I strive to produce things that you might actually want to read. However, this will be worthwhile, I promise.

I have written in the past about how Papa John's has subtly shifted from a delivery business to a carryout business just to keep me from making money. I have also written about how their obsession with lit cartoppers and nametags is ridiculous and unnecessary. Now, I will tackle the latest problem at Papa John's: my fellow employees. Would you believe that in 2006 our manager has a hard time finding good people to work at his store, especially delivery drivers? Here is our current motley crew (names have been changed to protect these people, though I'm not really sure why.):

Spazz: He's the longest-tenured employee of this Papa John's besides me, and he attends a high-powered university in the local area. He makes more beeping sounds than words with his mouth, he's really into "renaissance faires" and "Star Trek," and he's in a constant state of disshevelment. This makes him a nerd. He's been written up several times for not clocking out his delivery runs in the computer or forgetting sodas. He also has a penchant for sitting in his car reading during deliveries, effectively doubling the time it takes him to complete them. He is quite nuts.

Eddie: He's the guy who was fired once by our old manager for stealing other drivers' runs, and we hired him back. He's still constantly on the verge of being fired, and our current Manager never fires anyone. His role in the store is "the guy nobody likes." He's always looking for approval, and he's always got an agenda. I suppose the main problem with Eddie is he assumes everyone else is as greedy as he is. Oh, and he still steals runs.

The Other: Here's a guy who called in sick on Friday, claiming he "might have swallowed a screw." Yeah, he's a little insane. Also, the managers suspect he must not eat at home (or he has a giant tapeworm) because whenever there's free (i.e., crew pie, edible mistake) food to be had, he'll eat as much as he can as fast as he can. After abusing the free pizza privlege, however, he's now forbidden to eat more than one piece of any given mistake pizza or eat in his car. His name is also close enough to mine that he sometimes gets confused and checks out my runs by mistake. He's quiet and pleasant, though, just like me. I hope they can tell us apart.

The Girl: She's 19, and she's always wanted a job during which she can sit in her car and listen to music. She's tall, I mean tall, and very nice. Everyone likes her, and not just because she's the only girl. She really really seems to like the job, since she comes back every weekend from North Texas U. (in Denton, which is still in the metroplex but still 45 minutes away) just to work at our Papa two nights a week.

Hyundai: This guy has been at the Papa a while, and with his goatee he kind of looks like a white (former Dallas Maverick basketball player) Michael Finley. He's building some sort of cart/wagon to carry pizzas on -- I know, I've seen the blueprints. I call him Hyundai because he bought one right after I bought mine, but he's had a lot of problems with his. He's always asking me stuff like, "Have your headlights gone out yet?" But he's very nice.

Curmudgeony: He's the token old guy, and he looks way older than his actual age, which is in his 50's. We've had customers call, scolding us for sending an old man up the stairs to their apartment. He's actually quite the card, and is constantly threatening one of the managers with bodily harm (in jest, of course) and pushing him into things. One time he fell and got hurt, and his wife came in to get him. His wife is about the most beautiful 50-year-old lady we'd ever seen. We were all floored when we saw her.

Carlos: He's from some Latin-American country, and he's very nice. They just hired him, so I don't have anything else to say.

Hick: They hired this guy at the same time as Carlos, but I do have things to say about Hick. First of all, he's always getting lost and calling the store for directions. You must understand, the drivers area has not one but two giant maps of our area. All he has to do is read a map and remember where he's going, but he seems incapable of this. He does smile all the time, though, and he's got Eddie's down-home fast-talking charm without the slimy greed that's attached to it. Hick could go far in life, if Hick weren't so dumb.

Par-tay: He's a moderately hunchbacked party guy who's a senior in college right now. From the looks of it, he's majoring in business. He's involved with a frat, and is always going to their themed parties, such as the "Golf Pros and Tennis Ho's" bash. He was wearing knickers, and was eager to see some TH's. I didn't wanna know. He's also the nexus of the Papa John's social scene, and a few of the old drivers (who are now managers) and he get together on the weekends. When he's not working, he keeps his cartopper in the cap of his pickup. This is not an approved place to store a Papa John's cartopper.

There's them, and then there's me. That's it. That's all the drivers we have. Back in the busy old days, we had about 20 drivers, and we all made a lot more money. We were also able to fire the Eddies of the world. It was an amazing time. Now, if Eddie goes, the Manager gets all stressed because he thinks we don't have enough drivers. God help us if it ever gets consistently busy -- delivery times will be through the roof! Man Bob Bill will have our manager's buns on a platter! Oh, the humanity!

And don't even get me started on the in-store help. There's the guy who looks like a roadie that used to work at Mideval Times; The apathetic high-school kid who doesn't care at all; The high-school girl who told the high-school kid to lie and tell her parents she was still at work when she was actually out with some dude; and, the girl who actually slows production down when she shows up. Oh, and there's a lady that's actually good, and productive, and is always bringing in cookies and brownies and stuff. We like her.

I wish I could talk about my other job, but I can't. One day, man. One day.


  • At 7:29 AM, Blogger Dan said…

    Is Curmudgeony's wife as hot as that grandma that they have on the BowFlex commercial?

  • At 9:53 AM, Blogger Mike Pape said…

    I haven't seen the commercial, but I doubt it. You just can't beat Bowflex.

    On the other hand, it's doubtful the Bowflex lady is married to a guy who looks like he's 80.


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