This is Epth Nation

Epth is a state of mind, not a place. Reading this will give you a virtual drivers license in that state, but you'll still need to be 21 to purchase alcohol. And you can't get any there anyway, so stop asking.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Papa, I Thought You Were My Friend

You know, I bet he thought I wouldn't notice. That's the sad thing. Pathetic, really. Doesn't he know that I'm not your average delivery drone? Anyway, Papa did two things recently that have combined to create one spectacularly bad situation. First, he joined his rivals Pizza Hut and Dominos and instituted a $1 delivery charge. Ok, I understand, you want to keep up with the scumses. Plus, that's a whole extra dollar for every delivery we make, right? That could be up to $100 per store per day. Papa could no longer afford to pass that moolah up. However, for the delivery driver, this causes many problems, both short-term and long-term:
  1. Obviously, many people will assume that the $1 delivery charge is going to the driver, since he is the one who is expending the gas. This is not the case. The dollar goes directly into the pants pocket of Mr. John. Papa threw us drivers the bone of an extra 15 cents a delivery, which it's about time but that percentage doesn't even match the percentage increase in gas prices the last couple of years. People on deliveries have asked me if I get that dollar, and I say no. They act surprised. It makes one wonder how many people just aren't bothering to ask.
  2. Many people, when confronted with a new charge like this, will simply not order. This means less deliveries for me, and therefore less money. Way to make your margin grow while my tips shrink, Papa. I thought we were a team.
  3. Most importantly, the ratio of carryout to delivery has grown significantly since the delivery charge came into effect. This also affects the number of deliveries I get. The worst part is the instructions they give the phone people -- they are told to tell the customer that the reason for the delivery charge is to "keep our prices as low as they are." So, let me get this straight -- You're raising prices so you won't have to raise prices? That's what you're saying here, isn't it. How stupid do you think the customers are? Well, they aren't stupid, and can read between lines pretty well. What you're actually telling them is that "We are raising prices of deliveries so we can keep the cost of carryouts low." Is it any wonder that last night at one point we had 6 carryouts and 1 delivery?
Like I said, the saddest part is that he thought we wouldn't notice that we were making half as much money. What an arrogant little Papa. But that's not the worst of it -- he then does the second evil thing, which is to come up with a bunch of specials that nobody wants, and then hit people with a carryout-only special that's actually a good deal. What an evil, evil man. What's the point of having a delivery charge if you're going to go to absurd lengths to entice people to get carryouts? It's like the guy just has this vendetta right now against us drivers. Papa, I thought you loved us. I thought you liked delivery orders. Now it turns out you really only like carryout orders, and only tolerate deliveries because you have to. Where does that leave over half your workforce? Again, I thought we were a team!

From this point on, Papa, I resolve to go on an undelcared war against you until this carryout terrorism stops. The Delivery Liberation Front is in the house. I don't really know what that means yet, but you can be sure there's going to be a lot more standing around trying to look busy and a lot less folding boxes up in here. Maybe after you get a load of this you'll come back to the team and start acting like a Papa again. If not, I may have to tell people what's really in the Spicy Italian pizza.


  • At 1:47 PM, Blogger Brian said…

    Man, I really want you to flip out at work and start yelling "SPICY ITALIAN PIZZA IS PEOPLE!!!"

  • At 8:52 PM, Blogger tges1rmtp93xtbf said…

    Reading your blog and I figured you'd be interested in advancing your life a bit, call us at 1-206-339-5106. No tests, books or exams, easiest way to get a Bachelors, Masters, MBA, Doctorate or Ph.D in almost any field.

    Totally confidential, open 24 hours a day.

    Hope to hear from you soon!

  • At 6:07 AM, Blogger jill said…


  • At 7:00 AM, Blogger Mike Pape said…

    Wow! My first spam blog comment! I feel like I've arrived! I feel like the kid whose house was just toilet papered by the cool kids! I am somebody worth spamming!

    I'm going to keep that comment up for posterity. All future spam ones are toast.


Post a Comment

<< Home