ABC: It's a Whole New Network
One thing you'll notice about ABC is that they have eight fricking new shows, some of which feature Ted Danson. This network sucks that bad. Aaargh. Well, let's get this over with...
Lost is still on, and hasn't jumped the shark despite what you might have heard from the unbelievers out there. It's more of a cult, really. A cult of FUN, I mean. Try it, you'll like it. It's much better than Cats.
Besides the eight new shows, ABC still has reality crapola like "Wife Swap," "The Bachelor," "Dancing with Emmitt Smith," "Dancing with Emmit Smith Some More," and so on. And you thought NBC had no ideas. Can the new shows rescue ABC from its body of death? No.
Shows I can't believe are still on:
Everything on the schedule, with the exception of Lost. They should just run commercials from Thursday-Tuesday and see if anyone notices.
New Shows:
Six Degrees -- A bad show masquerading as an interesting one, this is what happens when JJ Abrams decides that Alias and Lost were ok and everything, but he just wants to go back to making crappy boring dramas like Felicity. In this show, strangers' lives interconnect in coincidental ways. It's like Lost without the island or, you know, the being lost. Ask yourself how bad a show with Hope Davis could possibly be, and then tune in for the answer.
The Nine -- Another show that's a multiple of three, this is about nine people who become an unlikely sort of family when they survive a hostage-y bank-robbery. Again, it's seems like a good premise, but it's probably not interesting enough to build an hour-long drama on. The bank robbery itself is told gradually through flashbacks, but will that be enough to get people to tune in every week? No. With ABC, the answer is always no.
Twelve -- Just kidding.
Brothers and Sisters -- It's an Alias reunion as Sloane, Grace, and that psychiatrist Sloane slept with all team up in this ensemble drama about a family that has issues. No, seriously, that's all it's about. There's no coincidences or bank robberies involved, as far as I can tell. If you think a show with that simple a premise is doomed, I present to you Friends. Anyway, I'll probably check out at least one episode, just to see if Sloane's going to run this family the way he did SD6. Also stars Callista Flockhart. Where has she been?
Ugly Betty -- Starting with "produced by Salma Hayek," not one bit of this show's concept sounds in any way good. Check it out: An ugly girl with braces is hired to be the assistant of a fashion magazine's head honcho...She gets humiliated by fashion d-bags every week, but the dumb plucky girl never gives up...It's like ABC saw the success of The Devil Wears Prada and rearranged it...It's an adaption of the "greatest telenovela of all time"... The actress who plays Betty, her real name is America...These are all annoying things, but it still looks like it could be funny. I think something's wrong with me.
The Knights of Prosperity -- Fed up with life, A guy whe makes pithy comments on VH1's "I love the 80's" assembles a group of nobodies and plans to rob Mick Jagger's house and live off the proceeds. Again, this is nothing but the exact reverse of My Name is Earl. Thinking about this show's premise tires me out. Why Mick Jagger? Why robbery? Why not just a sitcom about down-on-their-luck people? Why do they have to turn criminal? Aaargh. I hate ABC.
Men in Trees -- Let's see...from which angle should I approach this? It's like Northern Exposure only with a female relationship counselor instead of a male doctor. Or maybe it's the movie Hitch in Alaska with a female lead. Or maybe it's any story where someone thinks they know everything, but it turns out they knew nothing, and now they're in Alaska and they aren't leaving until they learn. This show also hinges on Anne Heche's likeability, which, ah, we'll see, buddy.
Dear John -- A psychotherapist with love issues (played by a former lead actor in a classic sitcom) counsels a group of people with problems, one of whom is played by Jere Burns. Oh, wait, did I get the name of the show wrong? Hey ABC, if you're going to remake Dear John without a laugh track, you might want to avoid casting the same actors, especially ones as recognizable as Jere Burns. Whither Kirk? Btw, the show is really called Dear John. Wait, I did it again, didn't I? I'll let you guys figure out the name of the show -- it's the one with Ted Danson.
Day Break -- Groundhog Day, only not funny and with a black guy. I'm not kidding. They didn't pick up Mulholland Drive, but they'll let this slide through? They need some better drug screening at ABC.
Lost is still on, and hasn't jumped the shark despite what you might have heard from the unbelievers out there. It's more of a cult, really. A cult of FUN, I mean. Try it, you'll like it. It's much better than Cats.
Besides the eight new shows, ABC still has reality crapola like "Wife Swap," "The Bachelor," "Dancing with Emmitt Smith," "Dancing with Emmit Smith Some More," and so on. And you thought NBC had no ideas. Can the new shows rescue ABC from its body of death? No.
Shows I can't believe are still on:
Everything on the schedule, with the exception of Lost. They should just run commercials from Thursday-Tuesday and see if anyone notices.
New Shows:
Six Degrees -- A bad show masquerading as an interesting one, this is what happens when JJ Abrams decides that Alias and Lost were ok and everything, but he just wants to go back to making crappy boring dramas like Felicity. In this show, strangers' lives interconnect in coincidental ways. It's like Lost without the island or, you know, the being lost. Ask yourself how bad a show with Hope Davis could possibly be, and then tune in for the answer.
The Nine -- Another show that's a multiple of three, this is about nine people who become an unlikely sort of family when they survive a hostage-y bank-robbery. Again, it's seems like a good premise, but it's probably not interesting enough to build an hour-long drama on. The bank robbery itself is told gradually through flashbacks, but will that be enough to get people to tune in every week? No. With ABC, the answer is always no.
Twelve -- Just kidding.
Brothers and Sisters -- It's an Alias reunion as Sloane, Grace, and that psychiatrist Sloane slept with all team up in this ensemble drama about a family that has issues. No, seriously, that's all it's about. There's no coincidences or bank robberies involved, as far as I can tell. If you think a show with that simple a premise is doomed, I present to you Friends. Anyway, I'll probably check out at least one episode, just to see if Sloane's going to run this family the way he did SD6. Also stars Callista Flockhart. Where has she been?
Ugly Betty -- Starting with "produced by Salma Hayek," not one bit of this show's concept sounds in any way good. Check it out: An ugly girl with braces is hired to be the assistant of a fashion magazine's head honcho...She gets humiliated by fashion d-bags every week, but the dumb plucky girl never gives up...It's like ABC saw the success of The Devil Wears Prada and rearranged it...It's an adaption of the "greatest telenovela of all time"... The actress who plays Betty, her real name is America...These are all annoying things, but it still looks like it could be funny. I think something's wrong with me.
The Knights of Prosperity -- Fed up with life, A guy whe makes pithy comments on VH1's "I love the 80's" assembles a group of nobodies and plans to rob Mick Jagger's house and live off the proceeds. Again, this is nothing but the exact reverse of My Name is Earl. Thinking about this show's premise tires me out. Why Mick Jagger? Why robbery? Why not just a sitcom about down-on-their-luck people? Why do they have to turn criminal? Aaargh. I hate ABC.
Men in Trees -- Let's see...from which angle should I approach this? It's like Northern Exposure only with a female relationship counselor instead of a male doctor. Or maybe it's the movie Hitch in Alaska with a female lead. Or maybe it's any story where someone thinks they know everything, but it turns out they knew nothing, and now they're in Alaska and they aren't leaving until they learn. This show also hinges on Anne Heche's likeability, which, ah, we'll see, buddy.
Dear John -- A psychotherapist with love issues (played by a former lead actor in a classic sitcom) counsels a group of people with problems, one of whom is played by Jere Burns. Oh, wait, did I get the name of the show wrong? Hey ABC, if you're going to remake Dear John without a laugh track, you might want to avoid casting the same actors, especially ones as recognizable as Jere Burns. Whither Kirk? Btw, the show is really called Dear John. Wait, I did it again, didn't I? I'll let you guys figure out the name of the show -- it's the one with Ted Danson.
Day Break -- Groundhog Day, only not funny and with a black guy. I'm not kidding. They didn't pick up Mulholland Drive, but they'll let this slide through? They need some better drug screening at ABC.
posted by Mike Pape @ 12:43 PM
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