CBS: We're Coasting at this Point

When you're beating the competition as soundly as CBS is, you have to limit yourselves just to keep things interesting. This season, all the new shows at CBS have one-word titles*. They're so cocky.

Easily the biggest story of this year for CBS is going to be the genius of Survivor: Segregation. Man, I can't get over what a tremendously controversial but ultimately benign idea this is. Judging by the buzz, ratings should go through the roof. And that, my friends, is why CBS is the king. That, and...

Shows I can't believe are still on

Numb3rs -- Not only is it the Northern Exposure guy, but it's a show involving math. Isn't this concept beaten into the ground by the show yet? Man, it's been like 4 years, hasn't it? Meet the new JAG.

The Ghost Whisperer -- I'm shocked this made it through the whole year. That'll teach me to underestimate Jennifer Love Hewitt's fanbase. This can't make it through another year, can it?

CSI: NY or MIA -- If it were up to me, any show with David Caruso would be cancelled. I don't know why he bothers me so much. I really don't know why he doesn't bother other people so much.

Cold Case -- There are so many cable shows about real cold cases, so why does this lame drama about fake ones keep getting renewed? People are just keeping their sets on CBS, hoping for another episode of CSI, I'll bet.

New Shows

Jericho -- The prodigal son of the mayor of a small Kansas town returns home just in time for thermonuclear war. Now the town is cut off from the rest of the world, and the prodigal son must be the hero. It's hard to build your show around nuclear disaster when Iran is being so insane, and that's why this show will be cancelled. I'm not going to waste any more space on it except to say, "Nice try ripping off Lost, dillheads."

Shark -- James Woods (!) plays a hotshot defense attorney who gets hired by the same prosecutors he used to beat to head up a team that's dedicated to prosecuting millionaires. At least that's what the trailer made it sound like, anyway. I'm sure everyone will learn a lot every episode, and in the end maybe we'll all find out this Shark is just a regular fish with surgically implanted teeth. At any rate, get used to this show, because it's on CBS and they never cancel shows like this. You won't know anyone who watches them, but somehow they always clog up the top of the ratings every week.

Smith -- CBS doesn't need quirky names like "House" to get you to watch their shows. CBS is so cocky they'll pick the most generic name possible just to see if you'll still watch. It's like a social experiment at this point. Smith himself is played by Ray Liotta, who's a "family man by day and a criminal mastermind by night." He's basically a scuzzbag thief. Of course, he's getting tired of the stealing now, and he's just looking for that one big score so he can retire. That's original. Living in Dallas, this thievery thing hits a little too close to home. Why does America think thieves are such sympathetic characters? I hope Smith dies in the pilot. Oh, and it also stars overrated singer Frankie G, last seen making some dreadful girl swoon on My Super Sweet Sixteen.

(The) Class -- It's John's Ritter's son in a sitcom. Wait, it gets better...it's a sitcom about a guy who's trying to reunite his entire third grade class to commemorate the 20th anniversary of the day he met his fiance'. Nobody would ever think of that, much less do it. Why not have him try to pull a tank with his teeth? Now that I would watch. How does gathering this class show his love for her? There's gotta be more to this. If there isn't, it's doomed.



* The Class is actually two words, but one of them is an article and doesn't count for purposes of this joke.