Sports Ignorant -- Super Fun NFL Predictions

Not-so-fearless NFL predictions 2004-5

Look, I don't know any more about football than you do, and these predictions are going to be wrong. I have to make my ignorant sports opinion voice heard though. When the NBA comes around, I will have confidence in those predictions. But these are just shots in the dark, hitting nothing I want them too, but possibly killing a stray dog. Here goes nothing, and fido watch out:

AFC EAST

New England It Girls 12-4

NY Football Jets 8-8

(Welcome to) Miami Dolphins 8-8

Beefalo 8-8

I suppose I should mention right off the bat that in the age of parity, every team defaults to 8-8 in my book. They need something to propel them up or down if I am to give them a different record. New England had a great season, and won a bunch in a row. But it's a long season, and how well they do will depend on how well they react to losses. Obviously, I think they will handle them quite well. Miami's probably better than 8-8 talent-wise, but they are mentally fragile after losing Ricky Weed and their coach sucks. The Jets will get to 8-8 so that they don't get killed by NY people. Pennington will get hurt again. Beefalo, well, they just default to 8-8 because I don't know what to do with them.

AFC NORTH

Baldamore 11-5

Pittsburgh 10-6

Cincinnati 6-10

Cleveland 6-10

Cleveland stinks. They got no talent. Baldamore wants to win the Super Bowl now, before Ray Lewis kills another guy, and they have built a team around that premise, except for the QB. They will ultimately fail, but have a go at it. Pittburgh will be good on Cowher Power only. Cincinnati is always bad until further notice.

AFC SOUTH

Tennessee 11-5

Indianapolis 11-5

Stun Gun South 6-10

Jacksonville 5-11

2 good, 2 bad. Houston has too many suckas at key positions and Jacksonville is still reeling from losing Brunell. Indianapolis will fight Tennessee for the hearts and souls of this division. Manning vs. McNair...ooo.

AFC WEST

Kansas Seetee 10-6

The 'Ver 9-7

Oakland 5-11

San Diego 5-11

Yeah, Sand Diego has nothing going for them, and hasn't since they benched that midget Doug Flutie. Oakland is still doing penance for all their complaining over the tuck rule. KC will edge out the 'Ver because KC has the great Offense.

NFC EAST

Dallas Cowgirls 9-7

Washington 9-7

Philadelphia 9-7

NY Football Giants 4-12

Kurt Warner at QB with this offensive line is the worst idea I've personally ever heard. That's why the Giants will be bad. Looks like 9-7 will be enough to win the division, or at least tie. Parcells will get his less talented players to tie the enigmatic Redskins and the suddenly cornerback-less Eagles. Seriously, has any team relied on their corners more than the Eagles in recent years? And now their gone. They are due for a fall.

NFC NORTH

Green Bay 12-4

Tinkledomers 12-4

Detroit 6-10

Mice of the Midway 2-14

To choose between Green Bay and Minnesota is absurd, without seeing how their defenses hold up. These are the 2 best offenses in the NFL though. We just don't know – will Minnesota and Green Bay recover from their respective massive choke jobs last year? We do know, however, that Chicago will suck and that Detroit will still be Detroit, all cute and cuddly and mediocre.

NFC SOUTH

Lina Beans 12-4

Tampa Bay 8-8

Atlanta 8-8

Who Dat Gonna Suck 7-9

I believe in Carolina, who may or may not have people gunning for them this year. I mean, who really fears them anyway? They will be solid again this year, week-in and week-out. Tampa has exhausted this team, they need to bring in a new one. Atlanta has more problems than just Vick getting hurt again, and New Orleans are a bunch of knuckleheads that will fail. That is all.

NFC WEST

Grunge 12-4

St. Jewish 8-8

San Fran 5-11

The Zona 3-13

Seattle is the only real team here, what with St. Louis' empire crumbling and San Fran's already having crumbled, and Arizona being the worst collection of NFL football players since the scabs ruled. But hey, feel free to beat Minnesota any time, red friends.

PLAYOFFS

KC over Indy

Tennessee over Pitt

Tennessee over Baldamore

NE over KC

Tennessee over NE, because NE just can't get there again, can they?

Green Bay over Washington

Minnesota over Dallas

Green Bay over Seattle

Carolina over Minnesota

Green Bay over Carolina, because I'm a ridiculous homer.

SUPER BOWL

Green Bay over Tennesee, Miller over Bud, Lack of Nipples over Nipples.