My Stupid Sweet Sixteen, er, I mean, Fifteen?

My Super Sweet Sixteen, Part VI -- "Krunk"

At the beginning of every episode of this show, MTV does a montage detailing what we can expect to see the following 23 minutes. I knew I was in trouble right away when after this montage I had the girl’s name written down as “Thierrah” (it’s really Sierra) and had her saying, “I’m a stupastah”. I suppose she really said, “superstar”, though I have not gone back and confirmed this. I like the concept of the Stupastah anyway, like the “stupid star”, or “star in a stupor”. It’s positively krunk. I should mishear stuff more often.

This weeks subject is a hard girl to get a handle on – on the one hand, she’s respectful to her parents, resourceful, and has actual human emotions I recognize, like self-doubt; on the other hand, she’s obsessed with being a “diva”, a “stupastah”, and “the center of attention, like she deserves”. Seriously, I must’ve heard the word “Diva” come out of her mouth 10 times, and “Stupastah” another 10. Sierra is what happens when otherwise decent parents raise their kids in MTV culture, since Sierra’s dad is a rapper named “Cee-Lo” (What, were all the good rap names taken?), and it looks like all the rapper families hang together in one big snotball in Atlanta. So Sierra's mom and Cee-Lo are fighting a losing battle with the Rich MTV Krunkified culture they helped create. We do indeed reap what we sow in life. I should get off the soapbox now, my feet are getting all slippery.

Back to Sierra -- One thing I noticed about Sierra is her inability to wear anything close to the same hairstyle on consecutive days. I wonder how long it takes for her to do her hair in the morning, because on day 1 it had red in it and on day 2 it didn’t, and on day 3 it was long and on the day of the party it was blonde. She must be wearing wigs, unless she colors her hair daily (which is a little much, even for this show). It seems she gets her hair habits from her mom, who later on in the show is seen wearing curly and poofy blonde pigtails. That’s right, pigtails. Krunk hair is obviously important to these people. Is that a proper usage of that word? Can hair be krunk? In this episode, Sierra applied the adjective to both herself and her Party, so I’m assuming it applies to hair as well.

Sierra starts by saying, “I’m always the center of attention – like I deserve”, which is a real bad sign. We also learn that she’s having a Sweet 15 Party instead, although it’s unclear as to why. Are her parents afraid she’ll be dead in a year and don’t want her to miss out? Has MTV run out of affluent and insane 16-year-old’s to exploit, after a grand total of 6? Krunk.

The only thing the viewer can do at this point is accept her age and move on, although the prospect of an even more immature subject is pretty harrowing. MTV shows off her immaturity next as she discusses her grand entrance with a couple of helicopter pilots. Sierra wants to be lowered on a ladder down into a tent where her peeps would be waiting for her (and presumably oohing and ahhing). She doesn’t say this, but she clearly thinks it would be a krunk way to be the center of attention. Hey, it beats randomoid shirtless dudes carrying you. The men tell her that she would need a special helicopter for this, and that it would be a massive safety issue. What they really want to say is: it’s not going to happen and you’re insane to even think about doing it, but Cee-Lo is probably paying them a lot of money so they don’t. Sierra tells them, “Well, I want that to happen”. She’s taking the hard-line stance that there will be no helicopter entrance if she doesn’t get to ride in on a ladder. They next go to FanMan to see how much he’ll charge to drop her into her adoring crowd. Later on she must have softened her position on the insane ladder trick, because when the actual party happens there is no ladder in sight. Of course, MTV wouldn’t want to show her in this or any moment of rationality, because they promoted her as a spoiled Junior Diva. Why would anyone go on MTV? Oh, that’s right…the fame whore thing. Gotcha.

Next we see the Q5(?) models in white tuxedos that Sierra(‘s dad) has hired to pass out her invitations. The invitations come with – I kid you not – small cakes in two flavors, chocolate and not-chocolate. We’ll call them “Krunk Cakes” for short. Say what you want about Sierra, she (or someone she’s listening to) has got some pretty creative ideas. First the helicopter, now Krunk Cakes. But wait…it gets better. Sierra is talking with the models, and she’s instructing them on what to say when they pass the Cakes out. It’s all going well until she tells them to say, “If you can’t bring a gift, then don’t come”, which causes at least one of the models’ eyes to bug out in disbelief, according to the MTV editing scheme. Leave it to Sierra to spoil an idea as great as Krunk Cakes by saying something as boorish and presumptuous and decidedly un-krunk as that when handing them out.

Uh-oh, somebody call Hart’s dad, because I see another stretch limo. How krunk must…Pennsylvania be that it’s so much cooler than all these other places with their embarrassing stretch limos. Anyway, oblivious Sierra is riding around in said limo with her hired models, driving to kids’ houses and passing out the Krunk Cakes. The kids look surprised to be greeted at the door by food, good-looking people in tuxedos, and MTV cameras. Sierra is wearing fur of some sort, a black do-rag on her head, and oversized old-person sunglasses. Admittedly, I don’t understand fashion, but is that something a Diva would wear? I mean, any Diva besides Aretha Franklin? She looks ridiculous as she calls to her friends in their doorways, and they all seem to be thinking, “What will that crazy Sierra do next?” We see the tuxedo girl whose eyes bugged out before tell a person, “No gift, no party.” At this point I would have no problem with both of those.

I gotta say, at least Sierra found a way to pass out invitations in a personal and creative way that doesn’t seem based on the concept of making people who aren’t invited feel bad, like the rest of those Sweet Sixteen imps did. They could learn a little bit about class from this girl. Of course, with the “No gift, no party” thing, she shoots that whole classy thing to crap. This is what happens when we let MTV raise our kids, people. As the Krunk Cakes run out, Sierra says, “They’re thinking now that I’m no joke”, which is precisely the opposite of what they’re thinking. She’s riding around with granny glasses on, for krunk's sake.

Next comes the obligatory “pick out a nice outfit” scene. Sierra comments that she’s going to be “the krunkest girl at that party”, which if I’m defining krunk correctly is a really cocky thing to say. Bow Wow (further evidence that all the good rap names are already taken) is at the store, and Sierra is like sooooo excited about him because he’s cute and famous. Bow Wow barks to her for a bit, and Sierra invites him to the party. He says, “I’m gonna have to think about it”, which is what we in the rap world call a diss. Cee-Lo’s going to have his little doggy butt in a sling over this, if I know my rap culture. Anyway, after she berates him with talk of a $200,000 party, he lies and says he’ll come. Somebody correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe Bow Wow is the artist formerly known as Little Bow Wow, and is none other than the son of Snoop Dog himself. Maybe he’s just too big time for the daughter of a rapper with as lame a name as Cee-Lo. Dad should change his name to Blastadon. We’ll see who shows up then.

Crisis strikes as it turns out Sierra is actually dumb (whoh…I’m shocked and appalled), and has gotten 2 C’s and 2 D’s on her report card. Doesn’t she know that with one line you can turn those D’s into B’s? Anyway, mom can’t handle this show of bad schoolmanship, and tells the poor girl that the party is off. A word about mom: young. If you ran into her on the street, you would guess her age to be 22. She looks like Sierra’s slightly older sister. She’s being all hard with Sierra, though, and in an extremely refreshing and krunk burst of parenting, Sierra’s pleas to Cee-Lo don’t get her anything but a “we not doin’ da party” from him. You go, Blastadon. See? It’s better than Cee-Lo.

The Cee-Lo family dynamic is so very unusual for this show. Sierra actually says “yes, maam” when she speaks to her mom! She shows them respect, and they actually parent her. Wow. Of course, they let her have her party (since the show isn’t called My Super Non-Sweet Sixteen…but then again, she’s 15, so...) in the end, but Sierra at least has to do some chores and get a cute tutor first. And people say that rap culture is destroying America.

Like I said, Sierra gets her party by doing the necessary make-up work, but not before coming up with a creative and disastrous Plan A first. She says, “I’m a Diva, and I control my own destiny” even though her parents are technically the ones in control of her destiny, at least with regard to the Party. What would a Diva do in this situation, you ask, with her “reputation at stake”? Get two of her friends (named Jasmine and…Delicia – why not just name her “Tasty”? Why start your daughter on the path to porn like that? Was someone eating steak in the delivery room?) to beg mom for the party, of course. This turns out to be the worst possible idea, and mom is hopping mad now. She’s also wearing hoop earrings that are nearly the same diameter as her head, but that’s not important right now. Sierra learns some responsibility, her parents relent, and she immediately goes back to the cocky “literal wannabe” attitude that got her into trouble in the first place. By the way, when mom tells her the Party is back on, she (mom) is sparkling like Ava’s dress. Now that’s some krunk post-production. MTV should win some sort of award for this.

With the party train back on the tracks, Sierra goes to try on outfits for the party again (didn’t we already do this with Bow Wow? Was that just to get Bow Wow face time on MTV?), and this time tries on what appears to be a hefty bag with a giant hole cut out for her cleavage. It’s positively krunktastic. Mom says no, thankfully. Mom says no a lot, because Sierra’s taste in clothes requires her to find the ugliest thing in the store and throw it on. Seriously, I don’t have any idea what Sierra was thinking with some of these outfits. I guess I just don’t understand fashion.

At this point Sierra gets super-cocky according to MTV and you hear her ask, “Where’s my latte?” But we don’t know what the context was, so they could just be making us think she’s getting cocky. She has some pictures taken (at the clothing store, I think – I’m not really sure why), and a large woman who appears often but I don’t know the name of says, “They better be hella-fied”, which I think is referring to the photos, but again, no context is provided. What a ridiculous language English has become. If you ever hear me say “hella-fied” in a non-ironic way, please slap me. I don’t even know what hella-fied means. Is it anything like the “krunktastic” I used in the last paragraph? Maybe I’m part of the problem. Sierra then says that photos are the “best part” of the celeb life, which is the dumbest thing anyone has ever said on this show (and that’s saying a lot). Seriously, better than the money, and the fame, and the power? Hasn’t she ever heard of the paparazzi? I’m sure 5 years down the road when Sierra is a household name, she’s going to just invite the paparazzi into her mansion and feed them Krunk Cakes and Captain Krunk and let them take hundreds of pictures of her as she’s going through her day. Exactly how vain do you have to be to think that photos are the best part of being a celebrity? Maybe I’m just overreacting to a throwaway statement that the girl made, but I think it makes her interest in being the “Center of Attention” look like more of an obsession. I hope all 15-year-olds aren’t this empty-headed.

We cut to the day of the Party, and everyone’s pumped. Sierra goes to the so-called “top hairstylist in Atlanta”, who no lie has the same exact hair Dennis Rodman had during his San Antonio Spurs days. It appears to be a tight-cut afro painted white. It’s the worst hair ever, and Sierra is putting this chick(?) in charge of her golden(?) locks on this fabulous(?) day. Ok, I’ll stop with the question marks. Sierra’s now got long blonde flowing locks, and her mom has gone away from her disastrous foray into the world of pigtails. As her hair is getting done, Sierra gives us a glimpse into her mind as she worries out loud that people will have heard that Ludacris is going to be at the Party, and will be disappointed when he doesn’t show. This is something MTV hasn’t show us from a Sweet Sixteener before: depth. It’s a tender moment, but as we all know these moments can’t help but be fleeting when there’s krunkosity afoot.

Everybody looks fine, but mom takes about 2 hours too long to get ready. Sierra’s freaking out, just like I would be. There’s a $200,000 party they’re letting go to waste! The cameras show mom putting on her boots, which have like 3-inch death heels on them. Also, she and Cee-Lo appear to be drunk or high on krunk or something, because they are awful goofy in the limo on the way to the helicopter. There are a few seconds where MTV makes us think that the family is lost and the parents are on drugs, but in the end everything seems to be ok, except for Sierra’s outfit, which looks like a diamond-studded flight suit. It must have been specially made for the helicopter entrance, which is just sad considering how gosh-awfully hideous it is.

Like I said, Sierra gave up on the whole Ladder of Death scenario and was just helicoptered in like any human who’s not a member of the A-Team. The people at the party loved it – one young-looking kid says, “It’s a bird, it’s a plane, no it’s Sierra!” which makes me wonder where he would have heard that Superman reference, seeing as how he’s 14. I barely remember it at age 32. Some of the other girls shiver in the cold breeze of the helicopter, and everyone pretty much agrees that it was a krunk entrance.

From this episode, it seems like there is an affluent black community that sticks together and doesn’t associate with a lot of the affluent white community. Is the affluent community really this segregated? I counted like 10 white people at the Party (although I wasn’t really looking), and all the friends they showed receiving Krunk Cakes were black. Don’t get me wrong, if I were Sierra I wouldn’t be hanging out with lunatics like Ava and Lauren (from episode one), either. But it seems like the rich would be colorblind. Is this just an Atlanta thing? A “Dirty South” thing? For some reason, it made me sad.

Sierra says, “Now lets get krunk.” I thought krunk meant “good”. “Let’s get good”? There must be something I’m missing here – I’ve been misusing it this whole time? I guess that’ll teach me not to try to speak jive. Maybe it’s just a generic variable word, like “smurf” to the Smurfs. Come to think of it, Sierra kind of reminds me of Vanity Smurf, without the mirror.

Sierra dances a bit, but it’s hard to find time for dancing when you have 5 outfit changes planned, “because a celebrity changes outfits”. The depths of her celebrity obsession have reached a new low. Here are her krunk outfits, as far as I could tell:

1) Diamond Flight Suit; 2) Ugly 70’s-looking white bulky dress with pink and black (for lack of a better term) stripes running down one side; 3) Black boob-accentuating jungle top and jeans (she, like all the subjects on this show save Jacqueline and Hart, has a gigantic chest. The difference between Sierra and the rest of those clowns is that mom makes her hide it most of the time, which earns mom an A+ in my book); 4) Pink ruffly prom-y dress. I didn’t see the fifth outfit, although she’s later interviewed wearing a black dress with a ghastly floral print.

Ever the innovator (if it serve to get her attention), Sierra has a fashion show at the party with herself as one of the models. This is really boring and pointless, except for the one guy in a Clinton Portis jersey who gets confronted by mom for booing(!) Sierra. Now that takes stones – booing the person who invited you to their Sweet Sixteen, er, Fifteen Party. The boy’s like, everyone was booing, which would be super funny were it true. We’ll just go with MTV’s assertion that this kid was the only one who was booing, and congratulate him on his krunk sense. I’ll leave it up to you to determine whether or not I’m being sarcastic.

I’m disappointed…they promised a nacho bar in the promos, and then didn’t even mention it once. Mmm, nachos.

The party wraps up with mom and Cee-Lo giving Sierra the most impractical gift of all: a diamond tiara. Now, where exactly is she going to wear that? At least it will get her attention…from muggers. She calls it a “perfect gift for a Diva” and says that it’s “worth like 3 cars”, which is news to Natalie’s dad. Let’s see, at $715,000 a car, that would make it a $2,145,000 tiara. Maybe she means three Hyundai Accents with broken krunkshafts.

At the end, Cee-Lo sums up the series pretty well as the credits roll. He says the MTV is going to have a new reality show, called “Dad Goes Broke on Birthday Party”. Hee. Prediction: Because of this show, next year will see a dramatic rise in the number and complexity of overblown Sweet Sixteen Parties among the rich and powerful, and MTV will be there to film them all. Next season will have like 30 episodes in it. Just you watch. We should be so krunk.

Mission accomplished.

(Stay tuned to this space, because my end-of-season awards are coming soon! Don’t miss it! There’ll be a nacho bar, I promise!)