Stand By For Nooooz.

First, I'd like to wish everyone out there Happy Christmas, and nothing else. If you celebrate something else, you'll get no good will from me.

That Which I Hate: Kobe Bryant had 62 points last night in an NBA game, according to this AP story. But we don't want to talk about that because in the story Kobe praises the LA fans, who are horrible and only like him because he wins championships. I also don't like his new "supervillain" persona, because he's neither "street" nor "hard" and it's all just reverse hypocrisy on his part. I liked him better when he was just a regular hypocrite.

If you read a little further in the story, you'll see the real reason for its mention here: Drew Bogut and the Milwaukee Bucks beat the World Champion Spurs 109-107 on a literal last-second tip-in from the Man in the Mask. The Mask. The Phantom of the Bradley Center. Mask II: This Time No Cher. A Bigger, Whiter Rip Hamilton. Batman. These are all things we can call him. He had 19 points and 9 boards last night, and if the refs ever start giving he and Magloire some foul calls, the Bucks could be scary. I realize I'm overreacting to one game, but hey -- that's kinda what sports is all about.

I've Got Good News and Bad News, Parents: Drug use is down (thanks to GW Bush, right?), smoking is down (shockingly), but now nearly 1 in 10 high school seniors, and 40% of all Utahns (that's how you spell it, so don't come at me with that) will "abuse" prescription drugs at some point in their lives. This article only applies to Utah, though, where it's very boring. They need something to dull the pain. I'm just kidding.

Still Want to Live in NY?: Sure, the Yankees signed Baseball Hippie Jonnny Damon yesterday in a misguided attempt to re-make baseball into the joke it was from 1996-2000, but check this out. The city's transit workers are on strike, which is forcing many New Yorkers to just walk miles to work in the cold. Because the streets are unfit for driving, apparently. Even better:

The mayor put into effect a sweeping emergency plan, including a requirement that cars entering Manhattan below 96th Street have at least four occupants.

And I thought New York was in America. Four occupants? Are we living in Africa or something? I don't think my car has ever had four occupants in it. The moral of the story is never, ever build your city's transportation backbone on mass transit, especially if those who work for that mass transit are surly enough to hold the city hostage in the middle of winter. If there were ever a bunch of people who deserved to be downsized, this is it. Can't they hire some cheap foreign laborers to drive those trains? Can't they fly some people in from India on work visas? There's so much about this that I don't understand.

More Stuff I Don't Understand: Stanley "Tookie" Williams (and you know he was hardcore if he could survive in gangland with a nickname like that) was executed for, you know, all the murder and stuff. That's not news. What is news? His funeral. Here's a list of the celebs that spoke at it: Snoop Dogg, Jesse Jackson, Louis Farrakhan, and...Tony Robbins? That guy who swings into his motivational talks on a rope? That clown who would have you worship yourself? That guy who was voted "Most Creepy" several years in a row, by me, during the 90's?

Anyway, putting aside the Robbins thing, I hope that when I die my non-violent death someday that Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, Danny Glover, Snoop, and Jamie Foxx will stop by my funeral. I've been touched by a supreme power, too. Start a movement in my noble name. Wait -- do I have to start a gang to get this done? How much evil do I have to do pre-life-changing-experience to be an inspirational enough story for you people to give my words notice? How many people do I have to gun down in cold blood to get some respect?

My, I'm chock full of questions today.