This is Epth Nation

Epth is a state of mind, not a place. Reading this will give you a virtual drivers license in that state, but you'll still need to be 21 to purchase alcohol. And you can't get any there anyway, so stop asking.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

I'm a House of Fire Again

...as Gorilla Monsoon would say. This isn't wrestling, but it's close. It's called life, and I have so many opinions floating around in my head right now that I can feel my eyes bugging out. Each of these topics probably deserve at least one full blog post, if not an entire essay. But since I haven't the time or energy to get into them right now, I will create some thumbnails for you:

1) I have an irrational hatred of Superman. Every time I see the trailer for the new movie, or someone even mentions Smallville, I feel like my brain's being pulled out through my ear. The obvious question is "why?", and I can't give a definitive answer. I suppose it started with the worst scene in the entire Kill Bill duology, the part where Bill talks about the greatness of Superman and how his secret identity was a bumbling human with bad eyesight. He used that to justify the massacre of a bunch of innocent people. Here's the quote in question (from the imdb, so don't as they say quote me on this):
An essential characteristic of the superhero mythology is, there's the superhero, and there's the alter ego. Batman is actually Bruce Wayne, Spider-Man is actually Peter Parker. When he wakes up in the morning, he's Peter Parker. He has to put on a costume to become Spider-Man. And it is in that characteristic that Superman stands alone. Superman did not become Superman, Superman was born Superman. When Superman wakes up in the morning, he's Superman. His alter ego is Clark Kent. His outfit with the big red "S", that's the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes. What Kent wears, the glasses, the business suit, that's the costume. That's the costume Superman wears to blend in with us. Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent? He's weak, he's unsure of himself... he's a coward. Clark Kent is Superman's critique on the whole human race. Sort of like Beatrix Kiddo and Mrs. Tommy Plympton.

Now that's a nice solliloquy. Allow me to put my nerd hat on for a second and parse this statement though: First of all, Superman was not "born Superman." He was born on the doomed planet Krypton and only got his powers when he arrived in our solar system, because of the yellow sun. How is that fundamentally different from Spider-Man, who got his powers when a radioactive spider bit him? And how is Peter Parker not Spider-Man when he wakes up in the morning? Punch him, and see what happens. I dare you.

And what of Wonder Woman, who definitely was born with her powers; or Supergirl, who has nearly the exact same characteristics as Superman, but happens to be a girl; or Krypto the Super-Dog, about whom the less said the better? When are they ever going to make a movie or critcally acclaimed but ultimately bad TV show about these characters? Hmm? When is the rest of the Justice League going to get their due? Aquaman and his gay outfit have sat on the shelf for too long. Why does everything have to be about Superman? He's overrated, and I am the sworn enemy of everything that is overrated. Just call me Lex Luthor. I'm bald, you should have seen this coming.

Anyway, my stated rule is that I won't watch another Superman anything until they make a Wonder Woman something. I fully intend to violate that rule because my wife wants to see the stupid upcoming movie, but don't think my own failings will stop me from ripping it afterwards. Keep this post, and my irrational hatred, in mind as you read it.

2) Yeah, the Mavericks lost, and I don't know how I feel about the 2006 NBA Finals. One the one hand, two new teams made it. On the other hand, the refs (here we go again) systematically handed the series to Miami with a series of questionable decisions. The worse team won, there's no question about that. But Dallas didn't really do anything to justify them getting a title, either. They became totally timid and forgot all the lessons of the previous two rounds. Like I said, I don't know how I feel about all this. Dwyane Wade seems nice, and went to Marquette. My cat's breath smells like cat food.

3) The USA is out of the World Cup, and I say good riddance. They sucked, and need to regroup for another 4 years. 2002 was a total fluke. Maybe next time they can make it past Ghana. It's time for the real teams to step up, like those dandy boys from England (or as I call them, "the Gland"). The Gland could win it this year. This Cup is all terribly exciting now that we're down to elimination games. I feel bad for the players that lose these games now, because they have to go back home and face their countrymen knowing that they failed. And those countrymen are brandishing bats and tazers and pepper spray and any number of other nasty weapons. I don't think the World can handle this Cup. I think they need to dismantle this tournament and start over with something that people are more mature about, like knitting.

Plus, there's something really, really sad about some of these poor countries. They just want something to take their minds of the awfulness around them, and soccer does that. When they're eliminated, what do they have to look forward to? Now, that's coming from my piggish USA perspective, and they might very well be on average happier than us, but they live in a dirt clod. I guess it's good to consider these things.
Now that the USA is eliminated, we have to go back to My Super Sweet Sixteen and America's Got Talent. Who deserves the pity now?

3 Comments:

  • At 3:26 PM, Blogger jill said…

    I wasn't serious when I said I wanted to see _Superman_. I always say I want to see movies that you'll hate just so I can see you cringe. Just because I saw _The Break Up_ doesn't mean I want to start seeing bad movies.

     
  • At 4:12 PM, Blogger Lord Bif said…

    Wonder Woman is currently in preproduction with Brian Singer directing.

     
  • At 9:07 PM, Blogger Mike Pape said…

    I'll believe that Wonder Woman thing when I see it in theaters, not before.

    All I got to say about Superman is this quote I heard:

    I'm faster than a speeding bullet when I'm on the set...don't need no fans to cool my a**, I just use my super-breath...I can fly three times around the world without missing a beat...I socialize with x-ray eyes and ladies bittersweet(?).

    Then he turned his power on and the ground began to move. You know the rest.

     

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