Things For Which You Can Be Fired From Papa John's

...if the Area manager catches you. These were related to me by my store manager, Guy, and when I reacted incredulously he said, "Hey, I'm just a puppet." To illustrate this, he held his hand up at chest-level and wiggled his fingers -- apparently the universal sign for "puppet". No, Guy, you're not a puppet, you're a sycophant. But to be fair, you do look like a muppet.

This list excludes obvious things, like stealing, and other things that aren't obvious but also aren't insane.

1) Not having your "Papa John's" cartop lit.

This is my current area manager's greatest fixation -- I truly believe he views unlit cartops as the devil. If he shows up at your store and you have an unlit cartop on your car, you are fired AND the manager on duty is fired, with no questions asked and no chance for appeal. So, if the plug comes loose or the light burns out, you better have another job lined up because you're as good as dead with the cartop Gestapo on the prowl.

A couple of weeks ago our area manager, who I'll call Man Bob Bill (MBB), came in late at night to deliver some crap to our store. Luckily, the other driver and I had our cartops lit. He then said, "I wanna thank you guys for having lit cartops, well, I guess I shouldn't thank you, since it is a job requirement."

So, we make our car a target for robbers (and clueless drunk teen mockers) to provide you free advertising and you SHOULDN'T THANK US? What is MBB's view of the employee? As a faceless "Human Resource", no better or more important than the cars they drive? Even if you think drivers are expendable and worthless, do you actually let that statement fly out of your lips? Where did this guy go to management school? Beiruit?

It should be noted that there are three (3) separate signs on the wall that command us to light our cartop. One of them actually misuses the word "remedial", as in, "we should be moving forward, but people are still having trouble with things that are quite remedial, like having a lit cartop". What he really means to say is "quite elementary." So in his warped mind only a stupid person would not have a lit cartop on their car. Heck, the really smart people would have one even when they're not on the clock, according to this logic. We're so dumb we can't figure out where the plug goes, apparently. Is this guy for real?

2) Getting gas on the clock.

You must know how much gas you have at all times, so you don't get stuck and have to make a choice. I wonder, do you get fired for running out of gas, too? But seriously, taking 3 minutes to get gas (total cost to Papa John's -- 26 cents) is firing-worthy? How about driving too slow? Or taking an incorrect route? Or reading the address wrong on the ticket? Or forgetting a 2-liter of coke?

My point is, all these other things will not get you fired, but cost you more time than getting gas. Thinking helps us grow.

3) Not being clean-shaven.

That's right, you and the on-duty manager can be fired for having beard stubble. Now, there is no official Papa John's rule posted as to how much beard stubble you can have, either in length or thickness. It just says "clean shaven". MBB makes the final call, I guess. Nothing like letting a lunatic decide the fate of your job by his own arbitrary standards.

And think about this -- what other job would they fire both you and your supervisor for you not shaving that morning? Once again, is this guy for real? You get no warning...you aren't handed the store razor and told to go in the bathroom and don't come out until you're acceptable...you aren't told to go home, shave, and come back...you aren't forgiven for the first offense...apparently your warning is the only the knowledge that the area manager, the MBB, is totally bat crap crazy. About bare faces.

(This MBB is also the guy who had a serious talk with our store's assistant manager about shaving off his "menacing" goatee'. Unfortunately, goatee's are allowed at Papa John's, so all MBB could do is strongly discourage them. Is this guy for real?)

4) Not wearing a belt.
Being fairly, umm, not as thin as I once was, I don't need a belt at all. But MBB thinks I do. He thinks everybody does. I will be fired if he catches me working without one, in fact. The manager on duty will also be fired...for me not wearing a belt...that doesn't hold my pants up anyway, and that nobody would notice if it were gone. This is so stupid it make me dumber for even thinking about it. I don't know if I can ever think about this again.

5) Not Wearing a Nametag

Let's get this straight right now -- there is no good business-related reason for a delivery driver to have to wear a nametag. You want to know why it's required? Some guy somewhere thought it would be a good idea for customers to know the names of the people serving them food. Now, if it's a waiter at a restaurant, and you have to get his attention, I would understand the use of a nametag there. That would be helpful. But think about it -- why would a customer have to know a delivery guy's name? To yell at him more personally? Nobody cares about this. Nobody, that is, except that most repulsive of life forms: the area manger, of which the most repulsive is the MBB.

Just for the record, I didn't wear a nametag for a whole year at Papa John's. How many complaints from customers do you think I got? The answer's really quite remedial -- none. And this is something to get fired over? So, let me get this straight -- I show up for work on time, I do my best, I work well with others, I'm nice to the customers, even the mean ones, I wear a clean uniform, I make myself into a mugging magnet with the lit cartop to advertise for you, I shave and get gas before work, I in fact do everything you ask of me...

And you fire me and the manager on duty for me not wearing a nametag? A worthless 1 x 2 inch piece of plastic that nobody notices? Does this make any sense? Is this guy for real?

I must also add that because of the lack of having a special for one large pizza, our business is in the crapper. But don't let that news distract you, MBB, from reaching Papa John's single most important goal -- to have the employees that are most conformed to an arbitrary uniform standard.
At least when the store closes, I can get away with not wearing a nametag.