The First Annual "Ahh-Vahs"

My Super Sweet Sixteen Season-Ending Awards – The “Ahh-vahs”

There is now a gaping hole in the MTV schedule, Tuesdays at 9:30 CST. “My Super Sweet Sixteen” is ending its first season, though MTV may try to milk it of whatever remaining ratings it can produce next year. The first season had only 6 episodes, making the potential “Complete First Season” DVD a probable rip-off. I mean, this isn’t The Office, and I shudder to think about what special features they will have, although a “where are they now” featurette 5 years from now simply must be made.

I thought I would have a little fun ranking these people in several categories, leading up to the Top Award of the Season, the equivalent of “Best Picture”, which we’ve named “Most Insane”. Let’s call these awards “The Ahh-vahs”, which as a name is just pure fun, no? Yes.

(let’s start with the earlier, less significant awards, which were given out last night in an underground bunker far away from civilization. These “Ahh-vahs” are not made of gold, but of Kielbasa.)

Drunkest: Jacqui’s Mom

Most Likely to Succeed – Jacqueline

Cutest – Sara

Gayest moment – Will asks if he can borrow Sara’s dress

Most Worthless Human with Under 10 seconds of screen time – Angel

Most Potentially Misrepresented by MTV – Lauren

Least Religious – Ava’s mom and dad

Most annoying speaking voice – Ava

Worst Venue – Hart’s Parking Garage

Most Disturbing Fashion Accessory/Habit – Hart’s turned-up collar

Boobs – Natalie

Most Fashionable – Lauren

Most Spoiled – Ava

Now, the real Ahh-Vah’s can begin (winners and reasons are in Italics):

Category 1: Most Ridiculous Statement, Lead Actor.

“The best part about being a celebrity is the photos.” -- Sierra

“Nobody has had or ever will have a Sweet Sixteen Party like this.” – Natalie

“Hells Yeah!” – Hart

“They totally killed my birthday-uh” – Ava

“I don’t want a dress from Jiki, nobody knows who that is” – Ava

“Well, I’m not going to go barefoot.” – Lauren

Maybe the moment of the season.

Category 2: Most Ridiculous Statement, Supporting Actor.

“They better be hella-fied” Sierra’s Party Planner

“God forbid that goes by my house and the neighbors should see it.” – Hart’s Dad

“He’s acting like someone else is his father – what the F___ is that?” – Hart’s Dad

“You have to respect your mother and me.” – Ava’s Dad

“SO THIS IS THE FAMOUS CHAD!” -- Jackie’s Mom

(To Pauly Shore) “I loved all your movies!” – Girl at Jacqueline and Lauren’s party

He was “just kidding”, right?

Category 3: Worst Outfit Tried On or Worn by Lead Actor

The garbage bag with the boob-hole cut out – Sierra

Fur, do-rag, and granny glasses – Sierra

Boob dress with jungle print – Natalie

White floral print dress -- Lauren

The famous red hooker dress – Ava

The ugly dress with the collar and the bow – Jacqueline

Just jaw-dropping.

Category 4: Most Overhyped Event that Amounted to Nothing

The Nacho Bar – Episode VI

The Catfight – Episode V

Ava almost dropped on her way into her party – Episode III

Jackie’s “crush” Chad comes to her party – Episode II

The Streakers – Episode II

Jacqueline gets punched in the face – Episode I

Consider the screen time wasted on these non-factors.

Category 5: Most Ridiculous Party Feature or Event

The Fashion Show – Sierra

Security Section -- Natalie

The Tennis Court – Hart

The “Crawl Room” – Hart

Shirtless Hunks – Ava

Pauly Shore – Jacqueline/Lauren

Could also win “Least Original Idea”

Category 6: Most Dubious Reason For Having a Sweet Sixteen Party

To launch an MTV career – Sierra

To buy the friendship of her schoolmates, show up her old friends – Natalie

To reconnect with dad – Hart

It was either that or a Bat Mitzvah – Ava

To show people she’s not all that nerdy – Jacque

For “Coming Out’ purposes – J & L

I’m sure she’s happy now that she’s bought friends…

Category 7: Worst Invitation Tactic

“No gift, no party” – Sierra

Riding around in a clown outfit – Sierra

Hugging the one invited freshman girl in front of her uninvited friends – Natalie

Having to call all but 5 invitees because nobody RSVP’d – Hart

Handing out invites at the mall – Jacque

Handing out booklets at school – J & L

This girl just doesn’t get it.

Category 8: Worst Appearance by a Minor Celebrity

Bow Wow – Sierra

Cee-Lo – Sierra

Jacqueline from Episode I – Natalie

Pauly Shore – J & L

No contest.

Category 9: Worst Party Behavior

Booing at the Fashion Show – “Clinton Portis” (Sierra)

Climbing the club walls for no apparent reason – Unknown (Natalie)

Staring at hoes from six inches away – Kid in hat (Hart)

Streaking – Three of Jacqui’s former friends (Jacqui)

Getting drunk, acting inappropriate with boys half your age – Jacqui’s mom (Jacqui)

Getting stoned, moshing, punching the party hostess – “Stoner moshers” (J&L)

She might be the worst mom I have seen since Mommie Dearest.

Category 10: Most Ridiculous Show Moment

Sierra instructs Tux People to require guests to bring gifts – Sierra

Will asks if a particular thing is “Chanel” – Natalie

Hart’s dad throws a temper tantrum – Hart

Ava sobs at her birthday dinner when she fails to get a Range Rover – Ava

Jacqui’s mom gets plastered, dances with Chad – Jacqui

Lauren pouts until her dad gets her shoes – J&L

Barely beats out Ava, mostly because he’s a grown-a__ man (as Rudy from Survivor 9 would say)

Category 11: Most Insane

Sierra

Natalie

Hart’s dad

Ava

Jacqui’s mom

The girl who loves all of Pauly Shore’s movies

She’s not human.

Totals by episode, counting the minor Ahh-Vahs as one point and the major Ahh-Vahs as two(for all you panting E! Channel watchers out there): Ava-9, Hart-8, Natalie-6, J&L-5, Jacqui-5, Sierra-2.

I hope you all enjoyed this season of MSS16 as much as I have, and I sure hope MTV does this again. Until then, I need a new show to eviscerate – anyone got any ideas?