Fall TV Preview -- Part II

CBS -- Not Just For Olds Anymore

How I Met Your Mother -- This sitcom features Doogie Howser, Jason Segal from "Freaks & Geeks," and Allyson Hannigan. However, none of them play the lead role (that went to Generic Bland Sitcom Guy), and the story is told in "flashbacks from the future." We'll give them an A for effort, even though it sounds like it should fail. Because of the cast, I'll watch it once.

Close to Home -- Does the phrase "Jerry Bruckheimer" really drive ratings? I can't believe it does. But why does every show that's produced by him mention his name, then? This show can be described as hot chick prosecutor blah blah single mother blah blah crime in the suburbs blah. I'm sure all the explosions and cops hanging from helicopters will distract us from the fact that it's been done better before.

Criminal Minds -- No, it's not abouta gang of really smart criminals, because that would be new and interesting. The ugly half of Dharma & Greg stars with noted showkiller and prescription drug advocate Mandy Patinkin and some other chick as FBI profilers. America hated this show when it was named Profiler. I say, give my Body of Evidence and that Dayle Hinman. She'd kick their you-know-whats, profilingly speaking.

The Ghost Whisperer -- Remember that movie, "The Sixth Sense"? Well, they've replaced that cute little kid with a hot girl and put it on TV! The famed Jennifer Love Hewitt stars as the Girl Who Can Talk to Ghosts, and the great Aisha Tyler's career continues its slow downward slide as she gets to play the token black friend, otherwise known as the "Francie." It's basically Alias only with ghosts instead of Rambaldi.

Out of Practice -- A very confusing premise involving a family of doctors who look down upon the one member of the family who's a psychiatrist. But of course, they may end up needing his help in the end. It's by the people who brought you Frasier, so you know they can do an upscale show involving psychiatrists. Also, it stars Henry Winkler. So why do I know I'm never going to watch it?

Threshold -- Because every network is required by law to have an alien show this year apparently, Carla Gugino stars as a hot girl who puts together an elite team to stop an alien invasion. It would be original, if every other network weren't doing it too. This one will be a hit solely because it's on CBS, the Network to Which America is Inexplicably Glued(TM).

FOX -- Arrested Development and the Rest

Reunion -- In this extremely high-concept drama, 6 people who graduated in 1986 are followed, one episode per year, until one murders another in 2005. That's more originality than the entire new ABC lineup combined. Sounds interesting. I may watch it.

Bones -- A hot "forensic anthropologist" (whatever that is) is called in whenever the FBI is having trouble with a badly decomposed body. By about week 5, I think the whole badly decomposed body thing is going to be old, and they'll have to trick it up somehow. In will come the vampires, and former Angel star David Boreantz will have to explain to the FBI why they see him as their leader. Now that would be an interesting show.

Prison Break -- A man breaks into prison to break his brother out. He's wearing Bad Idea Jeans the whole time he does this. The show has already premiered, and the premise is every bit as unrealistic as it sounds. I'm sorry that this show exists. Features a character named "Sucre," which is what I call the people who watch it.

The War at Home -- I've come to understand that Michael Rappaport is the most annoying actor working right now. He's the star of this show, so you know there will be a lot of unnecessary yelling and stereotypical New York Talk. He and his TV wife are the parents of three evil teen-agers, and that means this is just Roseanne without the charm or the fat people. And what's it doing on Fox Animated Sunday? Are they admitting that Mr. Rappaport is basically just a cartoon at this point?

Head Cases -- The "weird fish guy who moved in with Chandler on Friends" and Chris O' Donnell star in this lawyer show about a weird guy who hits people with law books. It's refreshing that both O' Donnell and Rachel Leigh Cook have taken time off from making bad movies to do this show. Let's hope it lasts a long time, so they can take a permanent hiatus.
Strangely enough, I might try this one. The book-slap drew me in.

Killer Instinct -- This show should have been kept under lock and key. I don't want to face the killer instinct, face it in you or me. This is one generic cop show that should have been kept on the shelf in a brown paper bag with stenciled black lettering. Seriously, where are the aliens? This is FOX, for pete's sake.

Up Next: Spare Networks, and "other."