Fall TV Preview -- Part III

Ok, so there are some networks that nobody watches, but I'm going to cover them anyway for the sake of completeness.

The WB -- Where Old Shows Go to Slowly Die.

Just Legal -- That guy from Undeclared plays an 18-year-old lawyer prodigy who gets hired by seedy recovering alcoholic Don Johnson. A hot black ex-con works in the office. Basically, it's Doogie Howser meets Undeclared meets Nash Bridges meets She Spies meets The Practice. All they need now is a house boat with an alligator or Phillip-Michael-Thomas.

Related -- Four sisters who looks nothing alike (i.e., one has a serious case of horse-face but the others don't), live together in Manhattan and try to deal with the fact that their show wasn't good enough to be on one of the Big Four networks. They've invented their own card game whose rules are too complicated for anyone but them to understand! They're so precious! They're so totally related! Ugh. To paraphrase Toto, "It would take a lot to make me watch this show, that's something that 100 men on board could never do."

Supernatural -- Two hot guys travel the U.S. in a '67 Impala, fighting supernatural forces and trying to find their missing father. It's an odd idea for a show, and the potential for unintentional comedy via bad special effects is off the charts, but I'm a little intrigued. Let's hope the don't do a Buffy or Charmed (2 other supernatural WB shows) and create their own half-butted mythology based on some hack's bad imagination.

Twins -- From the evil producers of Will & Grace comes this show about fraternal twins who -- get this -- couldn't be more different! What a twist! Actually, a real twist would be if they turned out to be exactly the same. Now that would be fun. Anyway, this show will suck, but listen to this cast: Sara Gilbert (the ugly acerbic one from Roseanne), Charity from Passions (are Passions actors allowed to get better jobs? I mean, if you've been on Passions, don't you just leave that as a "gap" in your resume'?), and Melanie Griffith. Yes, that Melanie Griffith. You want to watch it now, don't you?

UPN -- YOUUUU PEEEEEE ENNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Everybody Hates Chris -- The UPN reportedly have spent more money plugging this show than all its other show combined, so it had better be a hit. Chris Rock narrates the story of his wacky 13-year-old life. Yes, that makes it basically the black Wonder Years, but I'm not going to go for that cheap joke. Apparently, he had a two-hour bus ride to a predominantly white school every day in 1982. Alright, the 80's! Hopefully they'll have some moon boots. All I'm going to say is this: If Mr. Rock wasn't involved, I wouldn't give this show the time of day. I also have to wonder if CBS approved that title, and if so how much money the UPN paid to use it.

Love, INC -- If you don't believe a show with Busy Phillips on it could be that bad, just remember that she was on Dawson's Creek for a while. This comedy stars her and Holly Robinson-Peete as people who help losers find true love while they struggle to find it themselves. Yeah, it's the TV version of Hitch. Yeah, I wasn't interested in that, either.

Sex, Love, and Secrets -- Denise Richards, on what sub-basement floor will your falling career elevator stop? First you're knocked up and dumped by Charlie Sheen, and now you're doing a show on the UPN. It's a long way from Dr. Christmas Jones, isn't it? Anyway, this show is: 1) about a bunch of good-looking and morally-bankrupt Hollywood types; and, b) on the UPN. Do not watch under any circumstances.

Side note: Some have asked why do I call it "the UPN" as opposed to just "UPN"? Those people should stop noticing things.

Another Side Note: Do you realize that this summer the UPN had a show on called "RU the Girl with T-Boz and Chili"? Do you realize that on this show, contestants fought to be the one T-Boz and Chili (of the group TLC) chose to record their next single with them? Do you realize that T-Boz and Chili said last night on their updated and "final" Behind the Music that TLC was done and that there was just no replacing Left Eye? Do you realize that the winner of this reality show got to perform with T-Boz and Chili onstage? I'm just asking if you realize all this, because I don't. I can't make sense of it.

Side note #3: Epth Nation has learned that Michael Vaughn's death on Alias will predictably not be a "death" in the sense that he's fired from the show, but will be an Alias-style death more in line with Irina Derevko's. This news has put some spring back into the step of Alias Nation, who were starting to go collectively ape-crap about it.

Finally, HBO is running the Ricky Gervais vehicle Extras, and I hope the relevant people out there are listening when I say that I would really be looking forward to this if I had HBO.