In Response: Hijacking Dear Abby

Because I haven't broken enough copyright laws yet this week, I decided to take a Dear Abby letter and write my own advice for it. This is pretty blatantly illegal, or at least it would be if I mattered. It's fun though, if you're in the right mood for it. This letter is from today, September 29, 2005.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful woman, "Leora," for 35 years. We have five grown children any parent would be proud of. Throughout our marriage, I worked while Leora took care of the children. I retired about three months ago. Now I am home with Leora all the time and have just realized that she bathes only about three times a week. This has not only upset me, but also disgusts me!

I know she used to bathe the children every night when they were little, and she insisted they bathe regularly growing up. When I asked her about this, she said she has "always bathed when she needed it," and that might be nightly -- or not. She attributes this to being raised on a ranch where water was scarce. Abby, we live quite comfortably. The cost of water is not an issue.

I told her that people have to bathe daily in order to be clean. She asked if I could ever tell she hadn't bathed daily and the answer is no, but I know now, and it bothers me.

Please tell her that people have to bathe daily to remove dead skin cells, etc. She seems to think if I couldn't tell for 35 years that she hasn't bathed every day the topic is not an issue. It's getting to the point that I don't want to sleep in the same bed with her knowing she hasn't bathed that day. -- SEPARATE BEDROOMS IN THE FUTURE

Dear SBITF,

Allow me to summarize your story, so I understand it. You're telling me that since you "worked" all those years while your wife stayed home with the kids, you had no idea she only bathed three times a week. Then, when you retired, you noticed after a few weeks that your wife did not run bath water 4 out of every 7 days, and your mind began obsessing about it. You began to bug her about it, and she wondered why this was a problem now, when it never was while you were "working." Do I have that right?

You, sir, are an urchin*. So this woman rears your children and runs your household for 35 years as you work 100 hours a week and are gone every night and care more about the latest earnings reports than about your own children, and then you show up in house one day and demand that she change her habits just because you're insane about dead skin cells? She's right -- the statute of limitations on complaining about any of her annoying habits expired about 25 years ago. Maybe if you were actually loving your family back then instead of just making money for them, you would have noticed your wife was covered in dead skin cells and dried perfume residue. If you didn't notice for 35 years, it's not a problem. It's all in your head, man. You're insane.

I know you're a product of your generation, which had rigidly defined roles for men and women that were impossible to see past, so I forgive you for neglecting your family. However, there is another issue that needs to be discussed -- your obsession with these so-called "dead skin cells." You say that people have to bathe every day to be "clean." What if she bathes in the morning? A lot of dead skin can pile up on a shoulder or leg in 15 hours. When do you bathe, sir? Unless it's directly before bedtime and involving a hard-core loofah, how can you be sure you're not bringing your own pile of dead skin to your bed? I'm surprised you can still see what color the sheets are at this point.

There are plenty of people in this world who don't bathe daily, and are only marginally less clean than us. My advice to you is to live with these people for a year, then come back to your wife. Odds are she'll think you just went back to work, since you two never saw each other from the day after your honeymoon until you retired. After the "dirty" year, sleeping with your wife will seem like sleeping with a bar of soap. A giant, neglected, and talking bar of soap. Then you'll have to find another thing to nitpick her about, and she will kill you and end up on Court TV as the "wife who just couldn't take it anymore." You have been warned. Unless you want your "separate bedroom" to be a hearse, stop being so obsessive about things that don't matter.

(the preceding advice is for recreational purposes only and does not constitute an endorsement of a particular race, creed, gender, or brand of bong. Any use of this advice without the prior written consent of the National Football League is prohibited. Caveat Emptor.)

*Urchin meaning scuzzbag, not a lovable Oliver Twist-like scamp. I can't believe the dictionary hasn't made the "scuzzbag" definition official yet. How out of touch are they?