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Epth is a state of mind, not a place. Reading this will give you a virtual drivers license in that state, but you'll still need to be 21 to purchase alcohol. And you can't get any there anyway, so stop asking.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Five Blades

Alright, keeping in mind the Face Lady from yesterday and the unmistakable fact that she was anticipated by the horrible John Woo movie Face/Off, take a look at this. Now take a look (warning: lots of bad language) at this brilliant satirical Onion article from February 18, 2004 -- less than two years ago.

That's right, they went to five blades! What was a joke in 2004 is now reality. Do we really need a 5-blade razor? No, I think 2 blades is probably enough. But then again, do we really need Lexuses and rocket-propelled golf balls and Wades? Again, no. But our American thirst (especially among white people) for the Newest and Best thing has forced an absurd joke into reality. The obvious question to spring from this Five Blades announcement: What's next? What will be the next thing to make the leap from fantasyland to earth? Here are some suggestions:

A Jeopardy winner will last on the show for months, prompting renewed interest in the stale show. (David Foster Wallace story) ed. note -- Oh, wait...this actually happened. Sorry.

Terrorists will take over Air Force One, and GW Bush wil kick all their butts. (Air Force One)

Jesus Christ will return and play in the NBA for the Atlanta Hawks. (Onion article)

The FBI will start a special division for paranormal and unexplained phenomena, and then hire an insane guy who'll believe in anything and a hot red-haired skeptic as the main agents involved. (The X-Files)

An agency pretending to be a black-ops division of the CIA, but is, in reality, a nefarious organization bent of gaining world power through the writings and artifacts of a little-known but supernaturally brilliant Renaissnce inventor, will operate out of a bank somewhere near Washington D.C. (Alias)

It will turn out that all of us are just projections of ourselves inside a computer program, and that we actually live in bags of goo that help power that same computer program. (The Matrix)

A pop group consisting of 12-year-old girls will subconsciously convince hundreds of people to commit suicide through their bad music. (Suicide Club)

The government will start training kids to fight wars using video games, but then the video games themselves will turn out to have been the actual war. (Ender's Game)

I'm sure you can think of plenty more examples like this. As things get crazier and crazier out there (what is this? doom and gloom week? come on!) be sure to look for fiction turning into non-fiction, so we can mock it together.


  • At 10:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The Matrix AND Hinduism.

    I like blogging anonymously.

  • At 11:50 AM, Blogger Mike Pape said…

    Yeah, but which one of those is really important? To us as Americans, I mean.


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