This is Epth Nation

Epth is a state of mind, not a place. Reading this will give you a virtual drivers license in that state, but you'll still need to be 21 to purchase alcohol. And you can't get any there anyway, so stop asking.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Quick Slaps 2 -- Short Delivery Tale

I walked up to the house and heard the unmistakable sound of mariachi music coming from the driveway. It was dark, but I managed to make out several people sitting in lawn chairs and leaning against the garage. The music was coming from the stereo of a large van. None of the people acknowledged me, or even seemed to notice I was there.

Getting no love from the people outside, I walked to the door. As I got there, this approx. 12-year-old fat kid walked past me saying, "23-23?" After a second, I realized this fat kid ws referring to the price of the order, $23.23. I told him yes, and he disappeared around the corner and was swallowed up by the mariachi music.

It was about this time that the Mexican children began walking out of the house. There must have been at least 25 of them, in line, walking through the door and onto the front yard. A couple of them went next door and banged on the door, a couple got into an SUV that drove up, but the vast majority of them were loitering around me like burn-outs at a skate park. Only one of them spoke to me, which was kind of refreshing. He said, "Better ingredients, better pizza," which of course is Papa Johns' unfalsifiable slogan. I guess one smart aleck out of 25 isn't a bad ratio.

The fat kid re-materialized three minutes later with a 100 dollar bill in his hand, which I didn't have change for. He went back into mariachi land. After three more minutes, he came back and told me that's all they had. I told him I was sorry but I just couldn't do anything with that, and I left. We never heard from them again.

The moral of this story? Nobody takes $100 bills*, unless you're buying at least $80 worth of stuff. Nobody even takes fifties -- and 100 is twice that. You might as well just write "100" on a small piece of notebook paper and carry it around, because that would just as useful for you. Also, rejected hot wings are hard to eat in the car, so you should wait until you get back to Papa John's to eat them, or at least make sure you have napkins in the glove compartment.

* Side note: Every once in a while, we'll get a customer who is absolutely pissed that drivers don't carry change for a 100 dollar bill. The manager will have to explain that it's store policy that drivers can only carry 20 bucks with them on the road. What the manager should really say is this: Carrying 100 dollar bills it up there with having white powder on your nose or carrying a crowbar in the "looking suspicious" department, and expecting a total stranger to carry 80 bucks to your house is even more suspicious than that. Just write us a bouncy check like everybody else.


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