Notes on Ordering Pizza

Here's a new rule, so listen carefully: When you see a pizza delivery person out on a delivery, NEVER

EVER.

EVER.

EVER!

talk to him about his pizzas. There's never a good reason to do it, and those pizzas are never going to be for you. I'm not sure what 3rd world country you came from, but no pizza delivery person is able to sell pizzas out of his car, even ones that the customer refused -- if he doesn't come back with the pizza, he can't claim the order was refused. Plus, you're ugly. So just refrain from talking to the pizza guy about pizza.

In fact, just don't talk to the pizza guy, period. Unless you're offering money, but that goes without saying.
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Last night I delivered to a human named Dakota Black Hawke. There's nothing wrong with that name, but there is something wrong with her. First of all, she tipped me 59 cents. That's wrong, but not the unheard-of kind of wrong that would warrant a blog posting. It was the reason why she only tipped 59 cents that makes her evil. On the check, in the memo section, she wrote "Sorry the tip is so small," and "Because of the $3.00 delivery charge." I don't know if she ordered online and just can't read properly or what, but not even Papa John's charges $3.00 for delivery. Our delivery charge is actually $1.30. Which means that at the very least Ms. Black Hawke owes me a $1.70 dumbness fee. But if I collected those, I'd be a buhzillionaire by now.

Putting aside her stupidity about the delivery charge amount, let me ask her: What the heck? You consciously tip badly in a world of $3-a-gallon gas just to make a point about delivery charges? What you've just done is reward the people who are charging you the extra 3 (sic) dollars (by continuing to order pizza), and hurt the person who is driving the food to your house so that you don't have to use your gas and time to get it. You think that I personally am charging you a delivery fee? Me, the driver?

$3-a-gallon.

Not tipping the driver is no longer acceptable. It's bad enough I have to deliver to underwear guy ($1 tip, underwear, smell) and the front desk clerk at the Grand Hotel ($1 tip, far away, free pizza, complaining about there being only one pepperocini pepper in the box) and ghetto guy with no furniture in his apartment (takes 2 minutes to hide the crack pipes and get to the door, tips me 50 cents). I don't need this from you. You're just looking for an excuse to be a horrible person and not tip -- that's all there is to it. If your taxes go up, do you just not pay them? Do you write a note on your tax check that says, "Sorry the money's not all here," and "Tax rate went up"?

Dakota Black Hawke, why would you make an enemy out of the people who are serving your food? Does that seem like a good idea? Well, I guess you got out of tipping that way -- you certainly tricked your conscience into letting you be an a__ clown.

If you can't tip, don't order pizza. Lots of people are failing to order pizza -- just look at our sales numbers.

I'm tired and grumpy today, icyct.