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Epth is a state of mind, not a place. Reading this will give you a virtual drivers license in that state, but you'll still need to be 21 to purchase alcohol. And you can't get any there anyway, so stop asking.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

FOX: Nevermind the Blood on Our Hands

FOX will forever be known for two things: The Simpsons, and being the network that killed the most influential program of the early 21st century, Arrested Development. The FOX schedule sure looks empty this year without it. It doesn't matter, though -- they'll just end up running 200 encore presentations of the failed bit known as Prison Break a few weeks in after all their new shows fail to get audiences.

In other words, it's a good thing they have American Idol, The Simpsons, and House right now, because if they didn't, you'd be looking at the third member of the "CW" network. Actually, with those three shows alone they're probably doing better than ABC.

Shows I can't believe are still on:

The War at Home -- Man, this is the worst show on TV! Michael Rappaport's voice makes everybody's ears bleed. What's the deal, America? I can't accept the fact that they cancelled Arrested but kept this bloody banshee of a show. Aach, it pains me.

American Dad -- Does the world really need two Family Guys? Really? Sure, Family Guy is funny and all, and the story of its resurrection really is amazing, but it makes no sense to dilute its effect with a show that is its clone.

Nanny 911 -- I guess it's cheap to produce.

New Shows:

Vanished -- Gets the award for "Most Intriguing Concept" of the new season: A senator's wife vanishes from a charity function, and slowly the characters (and the audience) try to find her and learn that she was way more than she appeared on the surface. Yes, it's an easier-to-digest version of Twin Peaks. No, I don't think we'll see any dancing midgets. You can watch the whole pilot episode right now at that Yahoo!!!! Fall TV Preview, and you'll see what I mean. Seems like a lot of ham-handed attempts to get us to think this senator's wife is a saint who's full of secrets. Who knows? Maybe that gum you like is coming back in sty-eel.

Till Death -- Brad Garrett and that brown-haired girl from Ellen are a jaded "older" couple who live next to a young newlywed couple. The olds teach the youngs to embrace a jaded hate-based marriage, and the youngs teach the olds a thing or two about love. Aww. Yeah, it's Everybody Loves Raymond, only with no family crap and presumably less yelling. In other words, with no point. And how did Brad Garrett end up on FOX?

Justice -- Four high-powered defense attorneys (led by the guy who played Jack Bristow) use all their lawyerly powers to get defendents off the hook, regardless of their guilt or innocence. Isn't that super? The best part is at the end of each episode a flashback will tell us (the audience) whether the defendant was guilty or innocent. That's a weird idea, but I am interested. I hope we get to see a lot of episodes where the guy did it, the lawyers get a "not guilty" verdict, and the devil starts furnishing the rooms of the lawyers in hell for their evil work. I realize my expectations might not be realistic.

Standoff -- For me, it's impossible to see Ron Livingston as anybody other than Peter Gibbons. Therefore, this is a show about Peter taking a job as a hostage negotiator and sleeping with his partner. I don't know what happened to Joanna. Anyway, to stay working together they have to tell their superior, Anna Espinosa, that they're cutting off the relationship. Then they go into tense situations and do the dance of, "do they or don't they care about each other?" I don't know why, but I get the feeling there doth protest about this relationship too much. See? Now you know what's going to happen, so you don't even have to watch it.

Happy Hour -- A standard laugh-track sitcom from the "executive producers" of That 70's Show. I wonder, have they executively produced anything since then? Let's take a look. Nope, nothing. Why do they have to mention this? Does the executive producer do anything besides meddle anyway? "From the empty suits who brought you That 70's Show comes a show that actually looks like it might be funny. We have no idea how this happened, but we're pretty happy about it."


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