Defining Song of the 80's

Bill Simmons, AKA “The Sports Guy”, is the preeminent internet columnist in America right now (I can’t speak for the world since I’ve never been anywhere else). He answers e-mail from readers on occasion, and one of these exchanges piqued my interest (Q stands for Question, SG for Sports Guy, you can figure out the rest):

Q: What do you think is THE defining song of the 80's? Not the most popular, but the song that if you were putting a disc of one song in a time capsule for 100 years and they were to open it, what song would scream "This is why the 80’s rules." I say it's Blue Monday by New Order, but I'm open to suggestions
--Lance Hughes, Lubbock, TX

SG: That's a great "Driving on a road trip and needing something to argue about for 50 miles" question. In my opinion, a quintessential 80's song should accomplish five things:

A. It should make you think that, except for the rare exceptions -- like the Killers or Franz Ferdinand -- they don't make music like this anymore.

B. It should be happy and moody at the same time, the last song you would ever hear before driving your car off a bridge.

C. It should have a definite beat -- you could dance to it, clean your car to it, drive 110 MPH to it, etc -- and it should definitely sound like something that could have been used in Miami Vice (in an opening montage or a "driving around Miami and checking out hot chicks" scene, not a car chase or a "Tubbs hangs out in a strip joint and pretends he's Jamaican" scene).

D. It should make you question your own sexuality for about 0.87 seconds before you say, "Ah, screw it, it's a good song."

E. It should be dated, cheesy and a little overdramatic ... but not so much that the song isn't still enjoyable even now.

Anyway, these would be my six choices (with apologies to "Relax" by Frankie Goes to Hollywood, which wasn't quite morose enough since it was about an orgasm):

1. "The Promise," by When In Rome
2. "Suedehead," by Morrissey
3. "Uncertain Smile" by The The
4. "A Forest" by The Cure
5. "The Killing Moon," by Echo and the Bunnymen
6. "Age of Consent," by New Order

So there you go. And yes, I spent about 90 minutes coming up with that list. And you wonder what I do all day.

First of all, I believe his criteria to be spot-on for the most part. He comes up with 5 things that make 80’s music great: The containment in its own era sound-wise (almost all of it could not exist outside of the 80’s) (A); The melancholy happy songs (B); The sweet danceablility and hummable melody of it (the 80’s being the last era of truly great rock melodies, with rare exceptions)(C); The fact that many good songs (especially by British acts) sounded unrelentingly gay (D); The combination of the previous four into one perfect package (E). The fact that he came up with these very specific criteria shows that he is indeed thinking about this.

But Bill Simmons’ 80’s is not mine. We grew up in the same era, heard the same music, but reacted to it very differently. The 6 songs he comes up with…aren’t they little too homogeneous to represent a decade as crazy-go-nuts and diverse as the 80’s? I mean, they all correspond to the criteria he comes up with, but one can’t help but notice that they are all mid-to-late 80’s pre-grunge alternative and mostly British (well, I’m not sure about When in Rome or The The, but they sure sound British). So he confines himself to one of many sounds from this period. If you remember, the Q: wasn’t what’s the defining song of the late 80’s alternative movement, it was what the defining song of the whole decade is.

(Confession: From late 1986 until 1990 I pretty much stopped listening to the radio and gave up non-Christian music. It was probably a mistake, since of the six songs Simmons mentions I can remember exactly one, the When in Rome song, and that’s only because my wife really likes it. So my results are going to be skewed in an opposite direction, namely early-80’s pop. That’s what the 80’s is to me. Now, if you want to discuss John Schlitt-era Petra, I’m all over it…)

There wasn’t one particular style of music that defined the 80’s. Nowadays, many popular musicians are going back to the style Bill Simmons mentions and making “Retro” records. Other new acts have the same sound as well. But where are the rest of the sounds of the 80’s? The ones people like me remember? If you’re going to give yourself the leeway of having 6 defining songs, why not take one from the six most defining categories of music. What are those categories? I’m glad you asked.

1) New Freakin Wave (Duran Duran, Eurythmics)

2) Cheesy 80’s Dance-Pop (Madonna, Martika)

3) 70s Rock Bands That Changed Their Style to Sell Records (Journey, Styx, Yes, loads of others)

4) Alternative Before it was Mainstream (All the ones Simmons mentions)

5) Hair Metal/Big Arena Rock (Def Leppard, AC/DC, and a bunch of crap)

6) Catch-all: Band Whose Career (for lack of a better definition) Started in the 80’s (U2, Depeche Mode, B-52’s, REM, Queensryche, King’s X)

Just barely missing out on inclusion in the gang of 6 are: The Fledgling Rap Industry (Public Enemy, Newcleus); The Fledgeling Rave/Techno Movement (Technotronic); Speed/Ridicu-Metal (Iron Maiden, Motorhead); Acts that only music majors liked (Cockteau Twins).

Did you recall that all of those styles of music were popular in the 80’s? Do you even care? In the interests of completeness, here are my nominations for the 6 quintessential (since that’s really what we’re discussing here) songs of the 80’s. And you can know that I, like Mr. Simmons, have spent way too much time thinking about this. I am using his 5 criteria, as well.

Category 1) New Wave: “Sweet Dreams”, Eurythmics; “Rio”, Duran Duran; “Big Country”, Big Country; “Obsession”, Animotion; “Take on Me”, A-Ha.

This list was pared down from about 1000 good songs that were typical of this period. There were so many one-hit wonders to choose from. Some songs, such as “Tainted Love”, have been victims of rediscovery and overkill the past few years, and thus fell out of favor. Anyway, these five songs embody the spirit and butt-kickingness of the New Wave and its friends. And the Winner is:

“Sweet Dreams”, Eurythmics.

I remember the first time I saw this video. Here was this woman with bright orange hair singing a song that made me dread cows for some reason. This is the quintessential 80’s song – lots of synths, great melody, and words that make no sense when you first hear them.

Category 2) Dance Pop: “Billie Jean”, Michael Jackson; “Walkin’ in the Rain”, Oran “Juice” Jones; “Keep Me Hangin’ On”, Kim Wilde; “You Spin Me Right Round”, Gene Loves Jezebel; “Let’s Go Crazy”, Prince.

I tried to mix the definers of the genre (The Gloved One, Prince) with the best songs (the other three). Try to forget that one of these songs is a remake. Such was the way of the 80’s. The competition was even fiercer in this category, and it took me a while to whittle it down to just five. There should probably be more Prince songs in there, btw. The Winner is:

“Walkin’ in the Rain”, Oran “Juice” Jones.

You may be saying to yourself, “He’s only picking this because he can recite the rap at the end word-for-word.” You’re wrong. While I can pull off that party trick, I’ll add that this is the song that introduced white people to concepts like, “Silly wabbit, tricks are made for kids” and “Whip out tha jammie and flat-blast both a you.” Songs like this are why the 80’s ruled. And isn’t that one of the main criteria for this?

Category 3) 70’s Rock Bands that Changed Their Style to Sell Records: “Mr. Roboto”, Styx; “Separate Ways”, Journey; “Rock the Casbah”, The Clash; “Land of Confusion”, Genesis; “Abracadabra”, Steve Miller Band.

Heart and Yes are probably the two best examples of this, but none of their songs are defining enough to make the list. Asia also should get consideration, but is disqualified since they weren’t together until at least 1980. I don’t want to hear about “Open Arms” or some of the crappier songs by these bands, nor do I want to hear about the bands that didn’t radically change their M.O. (like Pink Floyd, AC/DC, etc). The Winner is:

“Land of Confusion”, Genesis.

Deciding between this and Mr. Roboto was tough, like deciding between watermelon and sour apple Jolly Ranchers. Ultimately this won because it’s more like watermelon, which also won.

Category 4) Alternative Before it Went Mainstream: “The Promise”, When in Rome; “True Faith”, New Order; “Love Song”, The Cure; “What’s On Your Mind”, Information Society; “That’s Really Super, Supergirl”, XTC.

Now this category admittedly I got stuck in. I just tried to think of the defining songs by these jokers. I take comfort in the fact that nobody really listened to any of this. I apologize for the 2 dance songs. Just be glad I didn’t include the Pet Shop Boys here. The Winner is:

“The Promise”, When in Rome. Golly, this song is cool. I wish I would have heard it when it first came out. Just call this a nod to Mr. Simmons, because I don’t wish to intrude on his territory.

Category 5) Hair Metal and Big Arena Rock: “Cult of Personality”, Living Colour; “Twilight Zone”, Golden Earring; “Don’t Come Around Here No More”, Tom Petty; “Foolin”, Def Leppard; “Welcome to the Jungle”, Guns N’ Roses.

I was struggling big-time to find five songs in this category that made me think, “This is why the 80’s ruled”. Most of these bands make me think, “Why are they trying to kill music?” This is like the “Best Animated Feature” category at the Oscars, where there are only like 3 of them and they’re all nominated. I had to stretch this to get Tom Petty in here. Notice the absence of any actual Hair Band music. That crap is why alternative started in the first place. But the “Winner” is:

“Don’t Come Around Here No More”, Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers. Remember the video, where Petty’s the Mad Hatter and Alice is cake and everything blew your mind? The song’s better.

Category 6) Band or Artist Whose Career Started in the 80’s: “Where the Streets Have No Name”, U2; “Never Let Me Down Again”, Depeche Mode; “The Metro”, Berlin; “Venus”, Bananarama; “Down Under”, Men at Work.

Furious competition here. The astute observer will note that this category has a lot of overlap with numbers 1,2, and 4. This is really a catch-all. But all these songs are super great, don’t you think? The Winner is:

“Never Let Me Down Again”, Depeche Mode. This is where the Mode hit their peak, and when you listen to it all the good things about 80’s music come back in droves, not the least of which is the existence of Depeche Mode itself.

For those of you filling out your brackets at home, this brings my list of 6 to:

1) “Sweet Dreams”, by Eurythmics

2) “Walkin’ in the Rain”, by Oran “Juice” Jones

3) “Land of Confusion”, by Genesis

4) “The Promise”, by When in Rome

5) “Don’t Come Around Here No More”, by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers

6) “Right Thurrrrrrrrrrrrrr”, by Choingy (whoops)

6) “Never Let Me Down Again”, by Depeche Mode

These are just my 80’s, so obviously your list will be different. This is a totally useless endeavor, and I refuse to spend any more time on it. I can’t help but feel like my time would have been better served by just saying, “Blue Monday”, by New Order is the defining song of the 80’s. But if I were to pick just one New Order song, it would be “Bizarre Love Triangle”. But the one defining song of the 80’s is:

“Talk Talk”, by “Talk Talk”. Think about it: It’s a British-sounding, gay, and totally catchy song by a one-hit-wonder that was in a cellular phone commercial in 2003-2004, so that when you heard it you said to yourself, "Man, I vaguely remember that song! It was awesome!" What’s more 80’s than that?