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Epth is a state of mind, not a place. Reading this will give you a virtual drivers license in that state, but you'll still need to be 21 to purchase alcohol. And you can't get any there anyway, so stop asking.

Thursday, March 31, 2005

April Fools!

My wife mentioned to me today that she hates April Fools, which got me to thinking: Is this a "holiday" that we need? Is celebrating lying to other people in order to cause them discomfort a good idea? Why not have, "Beat Up a Kid and Take His Lunch Money Day" and "Embezzling Day" too? We could be like, "Gotcha, place of employment -- I've been stealing money from you, you rubes." I seriously thought I was the only one who hated this. Now it occurs to me that the only people who like this are the people who are just chomping at the bit to play tricks on people. You know what we call those kinds of people where I come from? If you do, tell me, because I can't think of a proper word.

My working theory is that most people hate April Fools, they just don't want to say anything because they will be branded as someone who has "no sense of humor" or who "can't take a joke." This is only a theory, and one I thought of today, so I may be dead wrong about this. But let me sound the Trumpet! People who hate April Fools, unite! Throw those crappy tricks back at those people! If someone plays a trick on you, pretend you're super pissed! Better yet, don't say anything. Just walk away. The only way these maniacs will be stopped is by cutting their tricks off at the knees.

But seriously, the real reason I hate April Fools is that it preys on the people in society that least deserve to be preyed on -- the trusting. We have a word for this, a negative word: gullible. As far as I can tell, trusting=gullible. In this cynical age, those who are "gullible" are a breath of fresh air. Nobody trusts anyone anymore because we are all looking for ways to take advantage of the weakness of others, and everyone is aware of this. It's why Robert Tilton's new show is on BET, and it's why Politicians never tell us the whole truth. It's the gullible that have real relationships with others because they put that trust out there. We don't need to set aside a day to hurt these people, we need to set aside a day to celebrate them.

The next time your play a trick on someone, I sincerely hope the visage of Robert Tilton crosses your mind like an icepick to the temple. I further hope I have ruined everyone's April Fool's day.

April Fools! See? This is why I can't stand it.


  • At 2:22 AM, Blogger Dan said…

    I like April fools. Ok, maybe I don't, but I do like the time I yelled "April Fools!" at Steve Marek in the middle of February and then kicked him in the nuts. Good times....

  • At 6:19 AM, Blogger Mike Pape said…

    Now THAT'S funny. But still not nice.

  • At 6:17 PM, Blogger Lord Bif said…

    A girl at work told me she was gonna call in sick and then show up an hour late and yell April Fools.

    I told her I would have punched her in the throat if she did that.

    She said I have no sense of humor.

    I said she must have never seen someone get punched in the throoat, cuz that is funny.

  • At 4:22 PM, Blogger Brian said…

    Agreed, but I gotta comment about Dan's story. Truth be told, we were all standing around at our lockers in a sort of semicircle. And Dan just said "April fools," not yelled it. Which I think made it funnier. Steve never saw anything coming. Yelling might have provoked a self-shielding reflex. Alright, I'm out.

  • At 7:02 PM, Blogger Mike Pape said…

    Bif, I could totally imagine you saying that to one of those bread girls. That totally made my day.


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