Sports Guy Intern Contest, Round One

The Sports Guy at ESPN's page 2 is currently in the final stages of his intern contest. He is choosing his new intern based upon contestants' responses to his writing challenges. Even though I am not eligible for the contest in at least three important ways, I think writing exercises are good.

The following would have been my submission for Round One.

In 400 Words or Less, Why I Should be the Intern for the Sports Guy:

Name: Michael D. Pape
College: Concordia University Wisconsin (who?)
Residence: Dallas, TX
Current Job: Parts Coordinator (what?)
Age: Withheld

Well, I shouldn’t, according to the ageist draconian RIAA-esque rules the Sports Guy himself has set up: I’m above the maximum age (18-25), I have an actual job (2 actual jobs, actually), and I don’t live in or have any plans to even visit the hallowed media mixmaster of the Northeast until they apologize to us here in the middle of the country for being such snooty tools during the last Presidential election. So I am disqualified just because of who I am – this feels like 1963 all over again, doesn’t it? Not that I could compare my plight here with the Civil Rights Movement (or was even alive in 1963), but I just did. We need a 30ish Employed Texan PAC to get our interests pushed through Congress. Then Sports Guy will have to let us all in his contest, and we will make his eyes bleed with our horrible, out-of-touch, not-exactly-what-he-was-looking-for entries. He will promptly throw out the submissions of all those who are not under 26 or not freeloading, and we will be right back where we started. This Civil Rights stuff is harder than I thought it would be. Dang.

But just so you know what you'll be missing, I will let you know, Mr. Sports Guy, that I love the Big Three sports (even that evil baseball, which has wronged me so) and know just enough about the others to mock them. I hate the Yankees and their sports-penthouse-dwelling fans. I can rattle off lines from movies that you love (either the lines or the movies, I mean. It doesn’t matter which way you read that), and some lines from movies that you’ve forgotten you love. For every situation in life, I can reference a Simpsons episode. I’m acerbic, bitter, tender, clever, and I will pursue great internet links until there are no more great internet links to pursue.

I will not make you coffee, though, because I’m an intern, not your little errand-boy. Ahh…I now see why you need somebody under 26. Easier to push around.

I hate you, Sports Guy. Hire me.