This is Epth Nation

Epth is a state of mind, not a place. Reading this will give you a virtual drivers license in that state, but you'll still need to be 21 to purchase alcohol. And you can't get any there anyway, so stop asking.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Marquette is Fighting Learning

Marquette University a week ago changed their nickname to the "Gold", a decision that flummoxed even the administration's most ardent supporters. They then said the name was set in stone, and Marquette alumni and fans would just have to get used to it.

Yesterday, they made that statement into a lie by ditching the Gold nickname and unveiling a plan that would allow alumni and students to choose the nickname from 10 choices. Of course, none of the 10 choices are going to be "Warriors", because the University has taken a stand against that name like I've taken a stand against Will and Grace. They are sticking to their story that the name itself is offensive to native americans, even though it shouldn't be. I guess if they're not going to do the obvious thing and correct the 1994 wrong, they should at least give the people they are really offending (alumni and fans) a say in the matter. And that's exactly what they're doing. This might actually work.

So what will the 10 suggestions be? Here are some appropriate ones I like (make sure you say "Marquette" before each one to get a feel for them):

Interchange (will create some great confusion -- "are you talking about the basketball team or the deadly on-and-off-ramp monstrosity?")
Lutheran Killaz
Ghostface Lutheran Killaz (They are Jesuits, after all.)
Missionaries of Death
Sports Counter-Reformation
Grand Inquisators
John Paul II Memorial Team
Manifest Destiny
Smallpox-Infested Blankets
Botched Nicknames
White Boys
Get Off Our Land
Bingo and Casino
No Longer
Cash Money
(a combo of the school's last two great players)
River Waders
Golden Gold

I know what you're thinking: All of these are good -- how can I pick just one? The answer might be rotating nicknames (which they seem to be trying to do anyway) or some sort of sponsorship situation whereby a rich human can pay for a certain nickname for a year and renew if he so chooses. Imagine -- the Marquette Dairy Products from America's Heartland* or something.

*If you know what book this references, you also know why there is a footnote here.


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