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Epth is a state of mind, not a place. Reading this will give you a virtual drivers license in that state, but you'll still need to be 21 to purchase alcohol. And you can't get any there anyway, so stop asking.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

For The Heck of It: A Sports Ignorant NFL Preview

I was so discouraged by last year's debacle that I planned not to do an NFL Preview this year. But then I thought, what if Magellan's men would have stopped when Magellan died? Then we wouldn't know Magellan's name today, and some other joker would have been the first dude to sail around the world. So, in the spirit of Magellan's sick and tired crew, here is my:

Sports Ignorant NFL Preview: This Time, It's Pointless.

NEW ENGLAND WINS DIVISION
New England It Girls -- 12-4
"Struggaling" NY Football Jets -- 9-7
Beefalo: The Other Dark Meat -- 8-8
The Ricky Williams Pot Express -- 3-13

Sometimes you need to ask the question, "Does anything ever change?" Sometimes you need to answer, "Heck, no." Maybe someday soon the Patriots will be exposed for the team of overacheiving potential failures they are, but I doubt it. Buffalo has rid itself of the Bledsoe curse but that won't help. Ricky Williams will be fun to watch, as well as to speculate about w/r/t the steam coming from his helmet.

THE BROWNS AND FORMER BROWNS DIVISION
Ray Lewis' Gun Bunch -- 10-6
The Pitt of Despair -- 10-6
Cincinatti Fudgesicles -- 7-9
Land of Brown -- 4-12

Words cannot describe how bad Cleveland's offense is. Pittsburgh will fall back this year, because somebody always does. Ray Lewis will kill three running backs and an offensive tackle by the end of the year, and will consequently sell more jerseys than anyone else in the world. The Bengals look yummy this year.

THE GEOGRAPHIC INSANITY DIVISION
Indianapolis Dolts -- 12-4
Air McNair, It's Not Fair -- 9-7
Jacksonville Pretentious Cars, or Cats -- 9-7
Texas Texans of Texas -- 4-12

Again, words cannot describe how bad Houston's offense is. Last year, I picked the Titans to go to the Super Bowl, and they failed me. I won't make that mistake again (or will I?). Indianapolis will score a buhzillion points and fail in the playoffs again, and Jacksonville will be ok. I've always liked Jacksonville, and now they have a Leftwich. This could be their year.

THE SHADOW OF RANDY MOSS' FRO DIVISION
Kansas City Chefs -- 10-6
San Diego Cool Uniforms -- 10-6
Oakland Prison System, and yes that's a cheap shot -- 8-8
The Accursed Broncos -- 6-10

I just don't think the Broncos know what they're doing this year. They will fail. KC and SD will be good but not great, and who knows about Oakland? I'm just glad I won't have to watch Randy Moss underacheivingly kill the Pack twice a year.

THE HOLDOUT? THERE'S NO HOLDOUT DIVISION
Andy Reid vs. TO -- 11-5
Dallas Cowboys -- 8-8
Washington Insensitive Nicknames -- 7-9
The NY Football Giants -- 7-9

Philadelphia and a bunch of average. I think Dallas will be better than they were, but the Bledsoe curse is now upon them. I'm too offended by the "Skins" to even think straight about them. The big question, of course, is whether Philadelphia will continue to win. The answer, of course, is maybe.

THE PACK IS BACK DIVISION
Green Bay, The Holy Team with Choirs of Angels Singing -- 10-6
Minnesota Fat Quarterbacks -- 10-6
Take Them to Detroit (Noooooo!) -- 5-11
The Shufflin' Crew -- 5-11

The Bears can't buy a QB to save their lives. Just having Chutch on their team, even if he's not playing, will kill them. I refuse to believe Detroit could be any good with Harrington hitting vendors with the ball all the time. So, it's back to the old GB-Minn conflict, and this time there's no Randy Moss to bail the Vikings out. Of course, the Packers aren't any good either, so this is really just a homer pick.

THE HURRICANE DIVISION
Carolina Panthros -- 10-6
Hurricane Katrina Memorial Team -- 8-8
Atlanta doesn't deserve a team -- 8-8
Tampa Bay Succaneers -- 8-8

Nobody likes these teams. Let's not talk about them. I really like the Panthers, though. I was just kidding a couple of sentences back. When will Tampa go back to the creamsicle look that was so awesome in the 80's?

THE DIVISION PATHETIQUE
Arizona Kurt Warners -- 9-7
Mike Holmgren Really is a Good Coach -- 8-8
St. Jewish Non-Faulks -- 7-9
San Francisco Treat -- 4-12

Arizona will be led back to prominence they never had by Kurt Warner, some receivers, and Dennis Green. Mike Holmgren will be fired. St. Louis will be punished by God for demoting Marshall Faulk before his time. San Fran will never be good again, I am convinced. Tim Rattay? Come on!

PLAYOFFS
WILD CARD
Pittsburgh at Kansas City -- Pittsburgh
San Diego at Baltimore -- Baltimore
New Orleans (after an elaborate system of tie breakers) at Carolina -- New Orleans
Arizona at Minnesota -- Arizona

CONFERENCE SEMIS
Pittsburgh at Indianapolis -- Indianapolis
Baltimore at New England -- New England
New Orleans at Philadelphia -- New Orleans
Arizona at Green Bay -- Green Bay

CONFERENCE FINALS
New Orleans at Green Bay -- New Orleans
Indianapolis at New England -- Who do you think? New England, of course.

SUPER DEATH BOWL
New England over New Orleans in the battle of the "New's." What a let-down, huh?

8 Comments:

  • At 11:24 AM, Blogger Flybeard the Sailor said…

    Mike, here are two things I want from you:

    1. When the Bears finish the season with a better record than the Packers, I want you to post a picture of yourself with either A. A Chicago Bears logo painted on your chest or B. Your face painted blue and orange.

    2. If the Bears do get to/win the Super Bowl, I want you to fly to Oshkosh immediately, at which time I will have purchased a crappy old car, painted it green and gold, and, before pushing off the edge of a cliff, you will tell a story about the little pack that couldn't which may or may not include a man with a tire as a head, a squirrel, or communism.

    Thank you.

     
  • At 1:47 PM, Blogger Mike Pape said…

    I'll be happy to do the second half of number 2). One of my rules is that I don't get painted. Sorry.

    The Bears finishing with a better record than the Packers this year is within the realm of possibility, so I'm not going to agree to anything that involves that.

    Secondly, Kyle Orton?

     
  • At 10:10 PM, Blogger Paul LaForge said…

    Thanks for carrying the message of Epth to the world. I am amazed Epth has become so many things we never intended. Just googling "epth" can be so revealing. Can you believe Asia Ventures in Hong Kong owns http://www.epth.com ?

    And, to return on topic, I think the Packers continue to debunk the myth that the best defense is a good offense.

    BTW, I registered and set up a blog just so I could post on yours.

    Hey, and don't forget to wear blue on Thursday.

     
  • At 6:38 AM, Blogger Dave said…

    I think Mikey should have to have the Bears logo not just painted on his chest, but tatooed on his chest.

    Also, the Bears released Hutchinson, so no problems there. And, Orton should be better than your QB, who will need a cane to get up to the line of scrimmage this year.

    Ahhhh, football season and trash talking. Is there nothing finer?

     
  • At 7:37 AM, Blogger Lord Bif said…

    I'm sorry, did I hear thatt right? Orton better than Favre? Did Favre die and I failed to hear about it? Because that is about the only way Orton will outshine Favre.

     
  • At 9:18 AM, Blogger Mike Pape said…

    Wow. Paul LaForge found this. My cries for attention have reached his ears. This is amazing.

    Bear and Packer fans are getting riled up! I smell football season!

     
  • At 6:12 PM, Blogger jill said…

    paul laforge! i _just_ asked michael the other day when was the last time he'd talked to you. it's so weird that you posted. almost... psychic.

     
  • At 4:03 AM, Blogger sunking278 said…

    I'm confident my Patriots are going to be the first team ever to win three straight Super Bowls. And I'm looking forward to it. But, damn, it sure would be nice to see the Saints kick some ass in the NFC this year. If there's any other team beside the Pats I'd like to see win it all this season, it is the New Orleans Saints.

     

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