For The Heck of It: A Sports Ignorant NFL Preview

I was so discouraged by last year's debacle that I planned not to do an NFL Preview this year. But then I thought, what if Magellan's men would have stopped when Magellan died? Then we wouldn't know Magellan's name today, and some other joker would have been the first dude to sail around the world. So, in the spirit of Magellan's sick and tired crew, here is my:

Sports Ignorant NFL Preview: This Time, It's Pointless.

NEW ENGLAND WINS DIVISION
New England It Girls -- 12-4
"Struggaling" NY Football Jets -- 9-7
Beefalo: The Other Dark Meat -- 8-8
The Ricky Williams Pot Express -- 3-13

Sometimes you need to ask the question, "Does anything ever change?" Sometimes you need to answer, "Heck, no." Maybe someday soon the Patriots will be exposed for the team of overacheiving potential failures they are, but I doubt it. Buffalo has rid itself of the Bledsoe curse but that won't help. Ricky Williams will be fun to watch, as well as to speculate about w/r/t the steam coming from his helmet.

THE BROWNS AND FORMER BROWNS DIVISION
Ray Lewis' Gun Bunch -- 10-6
The Pitt of Despair -- 10-6
Cincinatti Fudgesicles -- 7-9
Land of Brown -- 4-12

Words cannot describe how bad Cleveland's offense is. Pittsburgh will fall back this year, because somebody always does. Ray Lewis will kill three running backs and an offensive tackle by the end of the year, and will consequently sell more jerseys than anyone else in the world. The Bengals look yummy this year.

THE GEOGRAPHIC INSANITY DIVISION
Indianapolis Dolts -- 12-4
Air McNair, It's Not Fair -- 9-7
Jacksonville Pretentious Cars, or Cats -- 9-7
Texas Texans of Texas -- 4-12

Again, words cannot describe how bad Houston's offense is. Last year, I picked the Titans to go to the Super Bowl, and they failed me. I won't make that mistake again (or will I?). Indianapolis will score a buhzillion points and fail in the playoffs again, and Jacksonville will be ok. I've always liked Jacksonville, and now they have a Leftwich. This could be their year.

THE SHADOW OF RANDY MOSS' FRO DIVISION
Kansas City Chefs -- 10-6
San Diego Cool Uniforms -- 10-6
Oakland Prison System, and yes that's a cheap shot -- 8-8
The Accursed Broncos -- 6-10

I just don't think the Broncos know what they're doing this year. They will fail. KC and SD will be good but not great, and who knows about Oakland? I'm just glad I won't have to watch Randy Moss underacheivingly kill the Pack twice a year.

THE HOLDOUT? THERE'S NO HOLDOUT DIVISION
Andy Reid vs. TO -- 11-5
Dallas Cowboys -- 8-8
Washington Insensitive Nicknames -- 7-9
The NY Football Giants -- 7-9

Philadelphia and a bunch of average. I think Dallas will be better than they were, but the Bledsoe curse is now upon them. I'm too offended by the "Skins" to even think straight about them. The big question, of course, is whether Philadelphia will continue to win. The answer, of course, is maybe.

THE PACK IS BACK DIVISION
Green Bay, The Holy Team with Choirs of Angels Singing -- 10-6
Minnesota Fat Quarterbacks -- 10-6
Take Them to Detroit (Noooooo!) -- 5-11
The Shufflin' Crew -- 5-11

The Bears can't buy a QB to save their lives. Just having Chutch on their team, even if he's not playing, will kill them. I refuse to believe Detroit could be any good with Harrington hitting vendors with the ball all the time. So, it's back to the old GB-Minn conflict, and this time there's no Randy Moss to bail the Vikings out. Of course, the Packers aren't any good either, so this is really just a homer pick.

THE HURRICANE DIVISION
Carolina Panthros -- 10-6
Hurricane Katrina Memorial Team -- 8-8
Atlanta doesn't deserve a team -- 8-8
Tampa Bay Succaneers -- 8-8

Nobody likes these teams. Let's not talk about them. I really like the Panthers, though. I was just kidding a couple of sentences back. When will Tampa go back to the creamsicle look that was so awesome in the 80's?

THE DIVISION PATHETIQUE
Arizona Kurt Warners -- 9-7
Mike Holmgren Really is a Good Coach -- 8-8
St. Jewish Non-Faulks -- 7-9
San Francisco Treat -- 4-12

Arizona will be led back to prominence they never had by Kurt Warner, some receivers, and Dennis Green. Mike Holmgren will be fired. St. Louis will be punished by God for demoting Marshall Faulk before his time. San Fran will never be good again, I am convinced. Tim Rattay? Come on!

PLAYOFFS
WILD CARD
Pittsburgh at Kansas City -- Pittsburgh
San Diego at Baltimore -- Baltimore
New Orleans (after an elaborate system of tie breakers) at Carolina -- New Orleans
Arizona at Minnesota -- Arizona

CONFERENCE SEMIS
Pittsburgh at Indianapolis -- Indianapolis
Baltimore at New England -- New England
New Orleans at Philadelphia -- New Orleans
Arizona at Green Bay -- Green Bay

CONFERENCE FINALS
New Orleans at Green Bay -- New Orleans
Indianapolis at New England -- Who do you think? New England, of course.

SUPER DEATH BOWL
New England over New Orleans in the battle of the "New's." What a let-down, huh?