In the Spirit of Local TV News...
...Today's news will not give you any good information whatsoever. It'll be nothing but fluff.
Jen Aniston is upset, confused, and lonely; also, she wants to have babies. Her and Brad Pitt have split, citing "Irreconcilable Jolies." She doesn't blame America's favorite skank Angelina, though. There are apparently "levels of growth" that have to happen with two people at the same time, and if they don't, Brad Pitt gets to screw whomever he wants. At least that's what I got out of it. It's possible that Jen Aniston is just trying not to be bitter, or has joined a cult. Both those things are real possibilties. Anyway, none of these people is ever going to be happy without Jesus.
Then there's this Saudi Arabia thing...Bush's "friend," some guy named Sayd, just died. Hey, that rhymes! Sayd died. That's super. Anyhoo, they replaced him with Abdullah (and the only Abdullah I know is the old wrestler Abdullah the Butcher, so this guy is already starting on the wrong foot with me), a Saudi prince who himself is "at least 80." Are we going to have to go through this Saudi Funeral butt-kissing fest again in two years? I hope not. And check out this story on news24.com -- the headline says "New Saudi King Rejected," but it's like 12 dudes in England who don't matter doing the rejecting. Boo, deceptive headlines! Boo!
This story appears to be from another planet. Mauritania? AFX? What are these things? Anyway, there was a coup in this fake country and Forbes is reporting about it. One thing remains true: When the Pro-US President is away, the anti-Pro-US President forces will play.
The President signs the trade agreement "CAFTA" today after a bitter and protracted fight. Does this mean my job is going to be outsourced to Belize? Probably. Whatever the result, I'm almost positive this is a bad idea. Oh, sorry...this was actual news. Carrying on...
Apple has made a mouse that works on both Macs and PC's. This is revolutionary, because we PC users have been working with just a keyboard all this time. Wait a second...Apple, keep your crappy mice away from me! Our mice are just fine thank you very much. It is the height of arrogance for Apple to think that this is revolutionary. But seriously, Apple just made a mouse with an extra button. That's it. That's the revolution. It's about dang time, right? Once, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said that mice should have one button because "it's impossible to push the wrong one." This is how Apple views the average Mac user -- as a drooling moron who can't learn to use any new things. Now they're backtracking and becoming more like PC's, so it's only a matter of time until Macs are totally boring and run way faster and get viruses like every 5 days.
There was a 13-player trade in the NBA yesterday, the biggest ever (I think). Here's the deal: I'd tell you all about it, but I can't get to any sports site here at work with the "governor" on my computer. I hate that guy. And hey, I warned you I wasn't going to be informative. You knew that going in. Anyway, Antoine Walker was involved, so you know at least one team got ripped off. I hate that guy, too.
Man, if you can get to this story, do so. Researchers are helping people lose weight simply by lying to them. Fake memories of bad experiences with fattening foods are planted in the chubby person's squishy mind, causing them to no longer like the food. Nobody better try this with me and cheese, or I can't be responsible for my actions.
The National Night Out to fight crime was last night, and I as a Pizza Guy got to drive by a bunch of block parties with white people in them. I checked this morning and crime still exists, so the National Night Out is a failure again this year. But at least Mrs. Henderson baked those yummy chocolate chip cookies, right? Nope, she's dead -- drive-by. Happy National Night Out everybody!
Jen Aniston is upset, confused, and lonely; also, she wants to have babies. Her and Brad Pitt have split, citing "Irreconcilable Jolies." She doesn't blame America's favorite skank Angelina, though. There are apparently "levels of growth" that have to happen with two people at the same time, and if they don't, Brad Pitt gets to screw whomever he wants. At least that's what I got out of it. It's possible that Jen Aniston is just trying not to be bitter, or has joined a cult. Both those things are real possibilties. Anyway, none of these people is ever going to be happy without Jesus.
Then there's this Saudi Arabia thing...Bush's "friend," some guy named Sayd, just died. Hey, that rhymes! Sayd died. That's super. Anyhoo, they replaced him with Abdullah (and the only Abdullah I know is the old wrestler Abdullah the Butcher, so this guy is already starting on the wrong foot with me), a Saudi prince who himself is "at least 80." Are we going to have to go through this Saudi Funeral butt-kissing fest again in two years? I hope not. And check out this story on news24.com -- the headline says "New Saudi King Rejected," but it's like 12 dudes in England who don't matter doing the rejecting. Boo, deceptive headlines! Boo!
This story appears to be from another planet. Mauritania? AFX? What are these things? Anyway, there was a coup in this fake country and Forbes is reporting about it. One thing remains true: When the Pro-US President is away, the anti-Pro-US President forces will play.
The President signs the trade agreement "CAFTA" today after a bitter and protracted fight. Does this mean my job is going to be outsourced to Belize? Probably. Whatever the result, I'm almost positive this is a bad idea. Oh, sorry...this was actual news. Carrying on...
Apple has made a mouse that works on both Macs and PC's. This is revolutionary, because we PC users have been working with just a keyboard all this time. Wait a second...Apple, keep your crappy mice away from me! Our mice are just fine thank you very much. It is the height of arrogance for Apple to think that this is revolutionary. But seriously, Apple just made a mouse with an extra button. That's it. That's the revolution. It's about dang time, right? Once, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said that mice should have one button because "it's impossible to push the wrong one." This is how Apple views the average Mac user -- as a drooling moron who can't learn to use any new things. Now they're backtracking and becoming more like PC's, so it's only a matter of time until Macs are totally boring and run way faster and get viruses like every 5 days.
There was a 13-player trade in the NBA yesterday, the biggest ever (I think). Here's the deal: I'd tell you all about it, but I can't get to any sports site here at work with the "governor" on my computer. I hate that guy. And hey, I warned you I wasn't going to be informative. You knew that going in. Anyway, Antoine Walker was involved, so you know at least one team got ripped off. I hate that guy, too.
Man, if you can get to this story, do so. Researchers are helping people lose weight simply by lying to them. Fake memories of bad experiences with fattening foods are planted in the chubby person's squishy mind, causing them to no longer like the food. Nobody better try this with me and cheese, or I can't be responsible for my actions.
The National Night Out to fight crime was last night, and I as a Pizza Guy got to drive by a bunch of block parties with white people in them. I checked this morning and crime still exists, so the National Night Out is a failure again this year. But at least Mrs. Henderson baked those yummy chocolate chip cookies, right? Nope, she's dead -- drive-by. Happy National Night Out everybody!
posted by Mike Pape @ 6:44 AM
3 Comments:
At 11:09 AM,
Paul said…
So in regards to that whole "lying-to-the-fats thing" here's the problem. It says "The method, if perfected, could induce people to eat less of what they shouldn't and more of what they should." Problem being, you can't tell people that you're going to lie to them so that they believe the lies. If they know you're lying, they're not going to believe you. And thanks a lot for the link to this, cause now I can never get "lied skinny."
At 11:18 AM,
jill said…
i tried this one time. i looked at a raw egg and discovered the little white part that was the embryo and soon-to-be chicky and thought, oooooo gross... i eat that? i thought it would make me stop eating eggs.
i eat eggs.
At 3:30 PM,
Mike Pape said…
Wait -- the white part was the embryo? I thought it was just the gooey center. Eww.
Post a Comment
<< Home