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Epth is a state of mind, not a place. Reading this will give you a virtual drivers license in that state, but you'll still need to be 21 to purchase alcohol. And you can't get any there anyway, so stop asking.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Stand by for News...

...ok, stop standing by, it's here now.

WORLD F-ING NEWS
Hey, just so you guys are clear on this, those Danish Muslim Offensive Cartoons are four months old, and the only reason that isolated protests turned into a full-blown global fireball this week is because somebody wanted them to. Anton "The Airport" La Guardia writes that the main factor in all this may be different Muslim factions trying to look like they love Mohammed more than everybody else. He says it's like a competition to be the most outraged. Rioting and burning buildings is the way these people are making a show of their love for Allah, and those who are leading and incensing them are doing so for politcial purposes. Now, what he says makes sense, but I'm always skeptical of some white guy from Britain when it comes to understanding the intricacies of World Religion. White guy from Britain is probably going to see politics in everything, instead of religion. But who knows? He may be right.

That's the kind of hard-hitting news you get here at Epth Nation, where we report, and you decide, and then we go back and look at it again and realize we don't have nearly enough information to decide anything.

ANTI-DEATH NEWS

A 10-year-long study of older ladies eating varying levels of fat has determined that (for post-menopausal women at least) eating less fat doesn't really ward off death like it should. Now it's back to the drawing board, where now scientists are saying that we probably need to just cut out the "bad fat" (fried food, partially hydrogenated stuff) and eat more "good fat" (Olive oil, Aretha Franklin). I guess we'll have to wait ten more years to find out.

People the study left out: Men, younger women, kids. That's pretty much everyone. So why is this news again? Great quote from this CBS.com article:
"These results do not suggest that people have carte blanche to eat fatty foods without health problems," said Dr. JoAnn Manson, chief of preventive medicine at Harvard's Brigham and Women's Hospital, a co-author of the study.
Yes, actually it does, JoAnn. It suggests that very much. You did the study, and you can't process it's obvious implications? Methinks Charles and Marilyn aren't the only Mansons who are in denial.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS FOR YOU

Brittany Spears was being photgraphed by some paparazzi the other day, and was so afraid for her son's life that she forgot to strap him in a carseat before getting in the car and taking evasive action. Apparently concerned that the evil photographers were going to "steal her baby's soul like they took her own," the shaky-voiced warbler of such dreck as "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and "Oops I Did it Again" chucked the baby into the seat and started driving away. Of course, the evil photographers took pictures of it all, and now Britney's in trouble for not taking proper care of her kid. Her 'splanation:
"I was terrified that this time the physically aggressive paparazzi would put both me and my baby in danger," she said in a statement released late Monday. "I instinctively took measures to get my baby and me out of harm's way, but the paparazzi continued to stalk us."
Looks like someone took the Mel Gibson-produced Paparazzi a little too literally. They're not trying to hurt you, Brittney, they're trying to take your picture. There is a difference, no matter how agressive those evil photographers may seem. Here's a suggestion: How about not going out in public, in Malibu CA, with your mysterious kid? How about staying out of the public eye? How about putting some clothes on and putting down that joint? How about you join the rest of us who actually have to deal with life and stop speaking to us dirty unwashed through breathless P.R. statements that assume we're as dumb as you?

Two words: Womb removal*. It's too late for Ms. Spears, and too late for Madonna, but it's not to late for: S. Johannson, TATU, Ashleeee S., and countless other irresponsible starlets of the present and future.

And, because we love the Washington Post, here's an article about the rebirth of the single, thanks to the digital age. Apparently, the single-song model of downloading popularized by iTunes has created a situation where the market for singles is booming. Here's my favorite quote, from an industry person:
Thus the hand-wringing over the 2005 sales figures, in which albums represented roughly 62 percent of all U.S. music sales and digital singles accounted for about 35 percent, according to Nielsen SoundScan. Just three years earlier, albums had accounted for well over 90 percent of all U.S. music sales.

"Digital sales aren't growing fast enough to replace the losses in our traditional business," Goldstuck says. "The challenge for the industry is to find some balance between singles sales and album sales. We want to create an artist experience, not a singles experience."

So something's working (in this case, single sales), and you immediately want to gripe about it and find a way to stop it. Still think Napster is behind the demise of the music industry? They want to create an "artist experience"? What does that even mean? A Cult of Personality? Is this even about the music anymore?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go wash my eyes and brain. Thinking about all this has sullied me somehow, and I may never recover.

* ed. note -- The author is not actually advocating literal womb removal, as in going into Ashleeeee's reproductive system and snipping out important parts. Nor is he advocating figurative womb removal, which he can't even properly conceptualize. Think of "womb removal" as a concept with no meaning, like "Void Where Prohibited" or "Senate Judiciary Hearings."

3 Comments:

  • At 7:17 PM, Blogger the professional said…

    michael -- where can i see all of these offesitunes? are there any web sites hosting all of the images?

    and i'm sorry for being a bad friend considering the writer's market books. unless you tell me you're too busy for them right now, i will plan to mail them out either tomorrow afternoon or friday morning. eh?

     
  • At 9:11 PM, Blogger Mike Pape said…

    Pro,

    I am not to busy. I see all that living in mountains has turned you Canadian. Have a Molson for me.

    And i think I either didn't get your joke or didn't understand your question. Sorry. The word "offesitunes" threw me.

     
  • At 12:13 PM, Blogger the professional said…

    oh woops. that was supposed to be offensitunes, as in offensive + cartoons. you know. baby eating, dog raping muslims and whatnot. i'd like to see them so i can properly understand all of the hullabaloo.

    word?

     

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