Cavalcade of Blogs I: (Not Dick Cheney)

My blog consulting team, BlogConformists USA, has told me that titles are very important for driving up traffic. They told me that I should use hot-button keywords in my titles. Therefore, Dick Cheney makes an appearance. Look for Paris Hilton and whomever happens to die that day in my titles real soon.

Anyway, today is my first Cavalcade of Blogs, where I jump from blog to blog using Blogger's "next blog" feature. I start, of course, at This is Epth Nation. Where I go after that, only Blogger a subsidiary of Google knows. Ready? Now commences this tour of cyberland...

1) Antes escrever do que sair falando sem pensar...

So right off the bat they take me to a worthless page in a foreign language. Isn't the internet supposed to be like 98% english? Weren't busybodies with no real jobs complaining about that recently?
This blog appears to be written in thick spanglish, and has poorly drawn comics on it. I'm not sure if they're funny, because I can't understand them. There's also a poem (bad sign) and a picture of a cute girl brandishing a Jack Johnson product. I don't know what this means.

Upon further review, it's written in portuglish.

Sample Sentence: (translated from portugese) Cold in the belly to think that [tá] arriving... better not to think very [pra] not to give up...

Grade: F+

2) Ending One Second at a Time

A writer for the online comics outpost Broken Frontier has a blog where he just posts links to his posts on Broken Frontier. It does have a couple of cool pictures of old Marvel comic covers, though. The main thing to remember with this blog is that its nerd factor is about 100 and its boring factor is about 1000. That's out of 10, people. Only visit if you like comic books and discussion of obscure 80's cartoons nobody liked.

Sample Sentence: My latest column for Broken Frontier details how the cancellation of the Blackwulf lead to my own hiatus from comic collecting.

Grade: D

3) Cap de Setmana X

Another Portugese blog (I'm not falling for that Spanish thing again), This blog seems obsessed with boring pictures and the letter "X." I am, for once, not kidding about this. There are pictures of natural X's occuring in tile patterns, for pete's sake. I wonder if the blog author's name is Xavier or something.

This blog is useless, made moreso by its lack of a real language. Ok, X is a cool letter, but come on.

Sample Sentence: Ja hi is penjats to the Rebost els X-Recursos that heu rebut cough els caps of moviment! (translated from Spanish. Looks like it's written in a language that Google doesn't know. Screw this blog.)

Grade: F-

4) Yeshiva World

Now we're talkin'. This blog is all about orthodox Judaism, with a special epmphasis on anti-semitism around the world. It's a Yeshiva World, we just live in it, apparently. The NYPD that we all thought were heros after 9/11 is getting on the Jews' case recently, cracking down on the Jews and their event that that nobody's heard of, called the "Boro Park Riots." Apparently, the NYPD hates Orthodox Jews. Very informative. Also features something called "Torah Yoga."

Sample Sentence: A vitriolic online discussion about building a school at Latteri Park shocked and angered city and Jewish leaders when Board of Education member Norman Tahan added his voice. Tahan, responding to a previous post on the nj.com Clifton forum, asked why observant Jewish residents outline a certain territory with a boundary, or eruv. "You mean they mark their territory like dogs?" he asked

Grade: B-

5) Album de Recordacoes (Please no not another one in Spanglish)

This rather pleasant little area of the internet had nothing but pictures of some skank and her life and loves. If you looks close, you might see lapdancing skinny Santa, which is muy desturbingo. There are other things here that might be considered obscene. Stay away, if you can.

Sample Sentence: A farewell of bachelor to fold... (translated from...Portugese this time)

Grade: D

6) Gadball.com -- NY IT Jobs.

While IT people in NYC need a place to help them find jobs (we know Dallas does), we here at Epth Nation hate commercial blogs of all kinds. This blog is affiliated with gadball.com, and his nothing but postings of obscure NYC IT Jobs. You should see the generic technical BusinessSpeak on some of these. We need more than one sample sentence here.

Sample Sentences: "Specific tasks will include working with end-users to gather business requirements, preparing and presenting specifications, designing, developing, testing, and implementing relational, dimensional, and/or other analytical data structures and ETL processes."
"We integrate customized services, leverage expertise across industries and apply business knowledge to our clients' strategic goals. Aon helps clients anticipate how change intersects with opportunity."
"test analyst will be responsible for the planning, design and execution of test case for a lockbox remittance processing application."
"demonstrate the ability to technically lead complex application and/or database development initiatives, including the analysis and design of solutions with a specific emphasis on decision support systems and the data warehousing functionality used within the financial industry."

I could go on, but you and I both know that wouldn't help.

Grade: C (wish I could find one of these for Dallas...or (gasp) Milwaukee)

7) Online Christmas Lights Blog

Yes, that's right, it's my first spam blog. These are the people who made me require word verification for my comments. They have made the world a worse place. These people, in particular, are not trying at all. The blog appears to be written in a poorly worded way that's designed to hypnotize the reader into buying christmas lights. However, there is no link to purchase anything but ipods, which I feel obligated to point out would make rather expensive and non-functional christmas decorations.

Sample Sentence: Search the whole world for apple ipod nano without leaving one website apple ipod nano. We have shrunken down a world of secret on apple ipod nano for you in one location.COOLEST BLUE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

Grade: F-

8) The Concept of Irony

A blog about a concept? How delicious! Or is it? I don't know, it's too ironic even for me. I don't understand it.

This is essentially a humor blog. After clicking on a bunch of the stuff to the left, I can't decide whether it's brilliant or stupid. I guess that's the irony. The author is Justin Kahn, a self-described "Adjunct professor of philosophy, humanities, and religious studies." He's written for McSweeney's, so he must be better than me. He is also in some sort of unspecified legal trouble that hovers over the blog like a cloud of acid.

Sample Sentence: In what will certainly come as a let down to readers of this Blog, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of COI’s right to spell as Justin see fit; to not be consistently funny and make ridiculous and unnecessary references to James Joyce.

Grade: A-

9) One Way Jesus (as opposed to two-way)

The thing about some blogs is that it really does appear as though English is the author's second language even though they are native-born USA americans. Take this blog, for instance. The dude's shift key clearly doesn't work, because you won't fine a capitalized letter in the bunch. And even though it purports to be about Jesus, who is the One Way, there are only references to "Bert the Man" and his love life. This is a personal diary whose author has the morose overdrama of a 14-year-old girl. He seems to attend a military boarding school for pilots. Maybe, just maybe, he's insane. That's the only thing that would redeem this blog for me.

Sample Sentence: i just wanna declare that i will not know the friend of my friend through my friend. and most of the time i do not really wanna know friends that my friends know unless of course they are already my friends.

Grade: D

10) Neels-Club

Speaking of overdrama, we have this outpouring of art and life from a guy named Neels. He's got a crapload of clever little sayings and philosophical snippets that are just slightly less funny than Jeff Foxworthy's "you might be a redneck" joke series. Oh, I just noticed he's British. That would explain it. The less time spent on this blog, the better.

Sample Sentence: If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

Grade: C-

Thus ends the first Cavalcade of Blogs. The fact that I have the best blog in the world has never been clearer to me than right now. I hope we've all learned something from this.