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Epth is a state of mind, not a place. Reading this will give you a virtual drivers license in that state, but you'll still need to be 21 to purchase alcohol. And you can't get any there anyway, so stop asking.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Working on This Backlog

Above: Zinedine "Zippy" Zidane looks for ways to appear more gay. He does this because he is French. La-Dee-Da.

We here at Epth Nation have this huge backlog of things to say because of my current job situation and the hectic-ness that has been thrust upon me. I keep intending to get up early every day and write (and exercise, and plot world domination, and pick up my dog's doodoo, and etc.), but for some reason it hasn't happened yet. I blame the Fundamentalists, because we all need a scapegoat. Anyway, it's nearly 11 and I'm just now getting to this. We're in an adjustment period here, people. Please bear with me.

Zippy Zidane*, pictured above, ended his illustrious and industrious World Cup career Sunday by being baited into headbutting the Italian scuzzbag Matarazzi. Zidane has often been mentioned as being a candidate for best soccer player in the world, and the fact that he's French doesn't bother the rest of humanity as much as it does us USA Americans. To put this another way, he's a big star who did the stupidest thing possible in the biggest game of his career. If he were playing in the NBA, he'd be known solely as "the headbutter," or possibly "Boris Zhukov."*** Since he plays in the forgiving (and soccer-worshipping) international arena, he's simply that great player from France who made a mistake that nobody remembers.

I'm not going to get into the whole headbutt controversy, or the Italian World Cup victory, or even the fact that soccer is a nice but fatally flawed sport that the world is now stuck with. The World Cup and that horse it rode in on are swiftly riding off into the sunset. We won't have to hear the words "Landon Donovan" and "failure" in the same sentence again for four years. But Zinedine Zidane not only escaped the pain and shame of being branded a failure, FIFA actually gave him the "Golden Ball,"**** which is the award given to the top player in the World Cup tournament. The man's boneheadedness most likely cost his team the victory, and they give him the Golden Fricking Ball. Why not give it to Matarazzi, who got Zippy kicked out of the game? Why give it to THE LOSERS?

The sad part is that headbutt was easily the most exciting moment of the game. It was an awesome headbutt. I encourage you to check it out on But I'm glad soccer is fading away -- the last thing I need right now is another frustrating sport to take up my time. Yes, that's the last thing I need. Packer training camp is just a couple of weeks away, and they probably have less talent now than they did last year at this time. They went 4-12 last year. Aaargh.

Maybe they can sign Zidane to play special teams. They need somebody who can throw out a few headbutts now and then.

Gotta go. This beer is making my brain sweat. It's getting all over my medulla oblongata.

* Real name: Zinedine, which sounds like a drug that the FDA is currently testing. For that matter, so does "Zidane." "If you experience an e***tion lasting more than 4 days after taking Zinedine, please consult a physician."

** As long as we're pointing this sort of thing out, doesn't his name sound like a make of car that some rich eurotrash would be driving? "There were only 10 of these Matarazzis made, and I've got one of them. Aren't I extraordinarily rich?"

*** If you get this reference I don't know whether to congratulate you or pity you.

**** This concept conjures up a mental image, and that image says the first rule of the Golden Ball is don't kick the Golden Ball.


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