Quick Hits for Today's Youth

Since you little ruffians are still up, and you've just stumbled into this blog, I'll give you some free advice. I know, I know -- your kind never takes advice, you just "play by your own rules." If you took advice, you'd be in bed by now. I know your crappy kind. Anyway, because I like hearing the dull clack of the keys on my laptop, I will give you some rules anyway:

1) If you see a guy on the MTV Movie Awards who lost a presidential election nearly six years ago, and who's dressed in all black, then change the channel and wash your TV to get the residue off. He's the devil.

2) Residue is a cool word. Use it often.

3) Most of your friends are just using you. They do so for a number of different reasons. Possibly, though, you have one or two real friends. How do you spot them? Well, it's never who you expect it to be, but a good rule of thumb is this: If he/she is a drug mule, then he/she is not a friend, fool! But if it's murky and brown, you're in cider town! (I gotta work on this one)

4) The Dixie Chicks are repellent. Learn why, and you'll be smarter.

5) The world is convinced you're stupid and don't notice that phrases like "exclusive" and "free" are filled with all sorts of other double meanings that our forefathers never intended. This is a harbinger of a 1984-style fascist state if I ever saw one, so make sure you always own a lot of gray jumpsuits and can stare for hours at nothing in particular.

6) That thing you want? It's bad for you. Too much of it can kill you, and probably will at this rate.

7) By the time you reach 22, all the good jobs will be either shipped to another country or filled by a geriatric person who because of advancements in modern medicine will never die. Welcome to America, little one. Hope you speak Portugese, 'cuz they're comin' next.

8) If you must use a credit card, make sure it's somebody else's. Identity theft is a crime, but it's a crime no law enforcement cares about because it doesn't have to do with protecting corporate interests or making money for municipalities.

9) John Mark Carr? That's you in 20 years if you don't unbutton that top button right now.

10) Girls will slap your glasses clean off if you're ugly and make passes at them. If you're not ugly, make all the passes you want and don't even bother getting contacts.

11) There are two kinds of people in this world -- those who will get you the best deal they possibly can, and those who will get you to spend the most money they possibly can. I'll give you two guesses as to which one Papa John is.