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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

T.O. Owens: Order of Events.

Media forces are converged on Irving, TX yesterday to deal with the aftermath of the T.O. suicide attempt/pill confusion story from last night. As far as I can tell from listening to the "all T.O. Owens all the time" coverage on every radio station, here's the story as it unfolded:

1) Sometime last night (8 or 9) a 911 call was placed from the condo of Mr. Owens (or "The Player," as Dallas Cowboys Coach Bill Parcells calls him). The player was later taken to the hospital, where he remained overnight.

2) Rumors flew that he was having his stomach pumped.

3) Early this morning the police report of the incident was leaked to Channel 8 here in Dallas. The report said that a) Mr. Owens ingested a lot of pills, b) Ms. Etheridge tried to fish a couple out of his mouth, since she believed he had ingested up to 35 of them, c) She told police that T.O. Owens was depressed, d) The police asked him if he had taken all the pills and if he "intended to harm himself,"and his answer to both questions was "yes." e) He was taken to the hospital for a drug overdose.

4) The Police held a news conference where some mean Lieutenant got up there and said "There was no criminal act committed and our investigation is over. If you want the 9-11 tape, you know where to get it. I can't say any more because this is a medical issue, not a legal one. Don't ask me any questions." Then he proceeded to answer a few questions.

5) Rumors flew that T.O. Owens was released on his own Escalade recogniscence, and was headed to his condo, where there would be a news conference.

6) T.O. arrived at the condo, along with: tons of media members, Drew Rosenhaus (T.O. Owens' agent), and former Dallas Cowboys/current Owens and Terry Hornbuckle "defense attorneys" Mike Irvin and Deion Sanders. A news conference was scheduled, then cancelled.

7) Owens, the press, Rosenhaus, Irvin, Sanders, and Ms. Etheridge all go to Valley Ranch, where the Dallas Cowboys offices are. There are rumors, probably true ones, that the Cowboys stepped in and forced T.O. Owens to hold the conference there instead of his driveway. If there was going to be a circus, they wanted to wear clown make-up with him.

8) Cowboys coach Bill Parcells gets mad at his early afternoon news conference when every question is about The Player. He storms off, claiming that "You guys probably know more than me." What a jack-butt, eh?

9) Drew Bledsoe addresses the whole Cowboys team behind closed doors. Nobody knows what was said, but immediately after that address he joined "The Ticket" radio station in Dallas for a little interview. In this interview, he stated that T.O. Owens went to the hospital because of a reaction he had to the combination of a pain killer and a "natural supplement." He gets kinda cynical about it, as if rumors of suicide attempts just come with the territory when you're T.O. Owens.

10) The Player holds his news conference, where he: a) Thanks God for keeping him healthy, b) Apologizes to God and the Cowboys for having an allergic reaction and going to the hospital, c) He didn't take 35 pills, d) He didn't have his stomach pumped. e) You silly police and media, and f) He mixed supplements and pain pills, got groggy, and doesn't remember answering any police questions about harming himself. Dude crazy.

11) A dissheveled Ms. Etheridge speaks next and says she never told the police he was depressed, she just saw the empty pill bottle and a drugged-up T.O. and panicked. That's why she called 911. Also, she wasn't able to recall fishing 2 pills out of his mouth. Even better, she said he has "25 million reasons to live." Nothing like a publicist scoreboarding us for her client.

12) The dust settles, and nobody knows quite what to make of it.


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