Late Breaking News -- 8/17/05

I'm sorry this is being posted so late -- work hijacked me from 8-9:30 with training on our new extended service plans, which turned out to be a spectacular failure because we already knew everything the guy was telling us, and he managed to confuse some of the issues we thought we had down. There were also hints of more training later this afternoon, so I might get 3 hours plucked out of my day for this useless drivel that I either know already or don't want to know.

Also, Sweet Sixteen is being taped tonight, finally. It's a good thing MTV reruns this crap every day. I did go to MTV.com's "after show," and saw a little bit of the episode. The girl looks nuts. Maybe they can top last year, after all.

Hey! Today's the day Israel pulls out of Gaza. That means no more terrorism, right? They got what they wanted, now they are just going to go back to not killing innocent people, right? My wife suggested to me that she's amazed there hasn't been more violence in Gaza -- these are Israelis evicting other Israelis, in an incredibly charged situation. Obviously, the hope is that this is another step towards peace in the region. Hamas, however, remains skeptical and armed and looloolooloolooloolooloolooloo! Don't ask me why Forbes is reporting on this. Aren't they a money magazine, concerned solely with the amassing of wealth and the worship of the Business Jerk? Do they do that "Top 300 cities in America" survey every year, or is that Money? Somebody call a white person on that, and let me know.

Harvard is bringing together many different scientists to come up with some sort of explanation of how life appeared on earth. They're devoting a million bucks annually for this research. Now, this particular issue has long been the achilles heel of Purely Naturalistic Evolution, since we have no real idea how life could have begun by natural means. I'm sure they'll come up with something, no matter how ludicrous, just to shut those ID people up. Note that they're looking for a purely naturalistic way that life could have happened, with no "divine intervention." Good luck with all that.

This story amuses me. It's about $50 iBooks. Read it.

Make sure you don't get caught calling Diddy by one of his old names. I wouldn't want you to have to be visited by one of the Diddy Nation and taken to a Didention facility for reinstruction. My questions -- Does changing his name mean he's going to rap any better? Has he officially crossed over into the Paris Hilton "Famous Just for Being Famous" Club? All he seems to do now is throw parties and underdevelop bad shows for MTV.

First London, now Bangladesh. I just thought you should know that there were bombings there, because I probably won't mention Bangladesh again for a while. That's a funny word. Bangladesh Bangladesh Bangladesh. If you're from there, you're a Bangladeshi.

If you're an elementary school or middle school kid, guess what -- you're fat. And that means no more soda for you. Like kids can't get fat on "100% juice." You drink a gallon of that every day, you'll be fat and regular. And they'll find a way to drink their soda, don't you worry. Parents will soon be sending sack lunches with 12-packs of Mountain Dew taped to them, so their "chubby lil' angels" will be happy. My favorite sentence in the story:

The announcement comes a month after the Center for Science in the Public Interest called for cigarette-style warnings on soft drinks to alert consumers that too much of the sugary beverages can make people fat and cause other health problems.

They should word it just like that: WARNING: THE CENTER FOR SCIENCE IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST HAS DETERMINED THAT THIS PRODUCT MAY MAKE YOU FAT. And that should be on not just soda but also any commercial product that involves sugar, or calories of any sort. That way we won't be able to sue them when we can no longer see our shoes to tie them, and therefore trip and bounce into brick wall or a river. It will be our fault, for not reading the warnings.

I'm sorry. I got a little carried away at the end, there.