Useless News: 5.31.06

May is over, so any May flowers you were going to plant will die if you try to plant them now.

Now, the news:

First of all, "Brangelina" is a horrible nickname for a couple, even one as deserving of a horrible nickname as Pitt-Jolie. Other options, anyone? "And"? Anyway, they had their freak-baby in Namibia. That's in Africa. Shiloh Nouvel Pitt-Jolie is now a Namibian citizen for life, much to the delight of the Namibian people, who up until now were totally ignored by the rest of the world. Here's a quote from this ABC News story:

Hopelonge Ipinge, the Namibian ambassador to the United States, told ABC
News that officials had been happy to help the couple by arresting and even
deporting intrusive paparazzi.
"They were just given protection in terms of
the security not for someone to intrude in their privacy," Ipinge said. "They
need to be protected."
Namibians say they have a deep cultural respect for
privacy, but many are thrilled by all the publicity.

Look for more celebs to go this route in the future -- they can defeat the paparazzi, and all they have to do is move to a third-world dirtbowl. They deported those scumbags! If only we could exile them to like France or something.

If you put your fingers in your ears and hum, maybe the noise will go away. Actually, This is Epth Nation doesn't have all the facts on this Indian AIDS thing yet, but you can bet Bono's all over it.

The Government Cabal increases its power to silence dissent: The Supreme Court voted 5-4 today to remove the protections that government employees have w/r/t outing their superiors' bad behavior. I guess the First Amendment doesn't apply to them anymore. I wonder if they signed a form to that effect when they took the job. Anyway, this makes the new "Alito-Roberts-Plus" Supreme Court 0-1, continuing the last court's almost superhuman losing streak.

Soon, the little guy will no longer be welcome in America. You know, Mexico is quite affordable, if you can get past the dirt and corruption.

As the threat of terrorism grows and grows like Katie Couric's ego, the FBI has finally given up its search for the dead bones of Jimmy Hoffa. Why waste everyone's time and money like this? Here's a telling quote from the evil Gannett News Service:

Although critics have said that the FBI wasted the public’s time and money
searching for Hoffa’s body, Milford Township Police Chief Wayne Walli said
authorities had no choice but to dig.“Certainly the information was credible. It
was necessary to pursue it,” Walli said. Had the property owner found the body,
“we would never live that down.”

So the FBI (and local law enforcement) is worried about the embarassment that some dude finding Hoffa's body would cause? They got over the embarassment of 9/11, I think they could get over this.

What France is doing is definitely working. We should be more like them. 40% unemployment for the young is a small price to pay for the ability to feel better than the U.S. Somebody should tell France this is the 21st century and the economy has changed. But that might just be me being too critical again. In fact, this whole post is really critical. I think it's time for some happy news...

The MTV Laguna Beach spinoff, The Hills, debuts tonight. It's got L.C. in it, so how bad can it be? She defeated that d-bag...what was his name? Jason? And now she's taking on the offices of Teen Vogue. It would be better, methinks, for L.C. to leave the public eye after her big victory in Laguna Beach Season 2. We want to remember her as the girl who told Jason he was a big fat jerk. She just can't top that.

Finally, I developed a pretty good Shakira impression over my 4-day weekend, but I think I lost it.