Zero Tolerance Policy

You can't swing a cat these days without hitting somebody espousing a zero tolerance policy about something. Whether it be drunk driving, cussing on TV, asprin in public schools, or not having one's car-topper lit, every entity in power these days seems to think that zero tolerance is a great idea. It saves them from having to resonably consider a punishment, you see -- you broke "the law," so you get the assigned punishment, and that's just the way it is so don't bother complaining about it. It's ironic that in such an enlightened and tolerant age we have gravitated towards "zero tolerance" as a way to deter people from doing bad things. Could it be that our so-called "tolerance" is nothing but an excuse not to think about things that are difficult? Could it be that tolerance becomes zero tolerance at the precise moment that we have to consider the consequences? We say, "We can tolerate you until you annoy us...at that point, we must completely stop you."

But who gets to decide which behavior is annoying, and therefore outlawed? Who gets to decide what behaviors are tolerated, and therefore celebrated?*

Since nobody can satisfactorily give me an answer to that question, I will fill in the power vacuum myself. All questions or concerns should be directed to your mom.

Things I Will No Longer Tolerate.

1) People hitting-and-running me with their oversized pickup-truck tires. Yes, this happened a couple of weeks ago, and I've been mad ever since. After floor-buffing the side of my car, the bastardo in the white truck pretended like he was going to stop, then sped away. He caused $1600 dollars in damage with his little side-swiping maneuver. I bet he feels like a winner because he didn't get caught. He should consider himself lucky I didn't have this zero-tolerance policy three weeks ago, because man, he'd be intolerated.

2) The idea that Terrell Owens is "misunderstood." Yes, his childhood was terrible (if you believe his book). However, he seems to have no desire to change, which takes the edge off any sympathy I might feel towards him. If you think he's misunderstood, read this: He's an infantile and insane money-grubbing scum who doesn't realize his problems with the media are his own fault. Either that, or he's a self-aware WWE-style fake "bad guy." It's one of those two things. There you go, now you understand him. See how easy that was?

3) Insane Papa John's Delivery Drivers. There's the guy who's working on picking all the rubber coating off the corner of the wall by the driver's station, the guy who gave his two weeks 3 months ago and who doesn't want me touching his car, the guy who takes boxes home every day, the guy who's a hick and won't talk to me, the cental american guy, the guy who steals deliveries and everybody knows it, the guy who drives really slow and wears his pants too high, and the guy who does origami. Actually, the Oregai guy's ok. Anyway, who can work in an environment like this? Of course, I love them all, but its very trying.

4) Mohawks. Seriously. It started when some frat idiots began pushing their hair towards the top of their head for no reason, and now every brick-head in the world is trying to look like a late-70's punk-rocker. The only person who should have a mohawk is Mr. T. The next time I see one of these, I'm going to attempt to machete it. Seriously. Because I have a machete.

5) Keanu Reeves Soiling-Up Otherwise Good Movies. A Scanner Darkly joins an ever-growing list of films that would have been a lot better had they cast someone better in the lead. This has been going on for way too long. They have to know they're ruining these movies. What is it going to take to get him back into "dude"-based screwball comedies? A bat? 'Cuz I got one of those, too.

6) Impoliteness. When I open the door for you, say "thank you." Failure to do so makes me think you think you're better than me, which you aren't. I'll say "you're welcome" anyway, and you'll feel like a dope. Even worse are the people who don't hold the door for you, because it's too much trouble and they need to get to pilates or something. This is all terrible behavior, totally indicating a bad childhood and failed parents. I'm sorry about your bad life, but hold the door for me. I'll say "thank you," I promise.

7) 107-degree heat. I didn't move to Phoenix. I moved to Dallas. Dal-las. It gets to be 100 here, not 105 for a week. Poor homeowners can't even water their lawns. It's disgusting. If this happens again, the world needs to build a giant air conditioner and point it at Dallas.

8) Bad Refereeing. Let's say you're on a journey to a castle, and you're trying to beat an accursed rival there. Let's say that you arrive at the castle's location, only to find that it has been airlifted 20 miles closer to your accursed rival. That's what bad refereeing is like, and not even Mark Cuban can stop it. Dirk Nowitski, I feel your pain.

9) Kirstie Alley

10) Bad, pretentious food. The French invented most of this crap, and it's served with sauce zigzagged over it to distract from the fact that the portions are Rhode-Island-sized and taste like leather. It also costs too much. You know you like steak (or, if vegan, tofu steak-esque) better, so just eat it and stop trying to look cool.

11) DRM. How did the Big Five Music Scumpanies decide to stem the rising tide of music sharing over the internet? By breaking the one product they do sell that means anything -- CD's. Now we're practically forced to go elsewhere for music that won't break our computers. It's 2006 -- can't computers and music coexist peacefully yet? I'd ask congress for help, but congress has an Orrin Hatch in it, and he hates computers. On the flip side, DRM would be a great rap name.

12) Rising interest rates. New Fed Chairman Greenspan II has done nothing but raise interest rates for fear of "inflation." How is inflation going to hurt us when people have no money? How is it going to grow when gas prices are artificially keepng it down? Greenspan II kept rates steady this week for the first time in a while, which means that he thinks the economy is slowing down. Thanks for ruining the economy, you blockhead. The sad part is we were just starting to get out from under the 9-11 economic dust cloud, and now nobody has any money again. Oh, and thanks for preventing me from buying a house, too. That was great. Why can't we just lower the rates down to zero and see what happens? Is that really any worse than this?

13) Creating a great TV show, getting screwed around by a network for 2 straight years, getting cancelled, being resurrected by another network, then quitting because you "can't take it anymore," leaving the show's fans holding nothing but reruns and DVDs with frowns on their faces. Mitch Hurwitz, I'm talking to you.




* This is footnoted because I don't feel like taking the time to fit this point into the body of this post, but the word "tolerance" has come to denote almost a worshipful attitude towards something, as opposed to merely tolerating it. We even expect people to put aside their religious beliefs if we (as a society) deem something "tolerable." Think I'm overstating this? Listen to liberal news commentary for 5 minutes and you'll be amazed with the vitriol directed at the "religious right." There's no tolerance for religious beliefs if they get in the way of general, non-religious tolerance. This is why we're probably all dead, and you can use whatever antecedent you'd like for the pronoun "we."