This is Epth Nation

Epth is a state of mind, not a place. Reading this will give you a virtual drivers license in that state, but you'll still need to be 21 to purchase alcohol. And you can't get any there anyway, so stop asking.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Elevator Action

In my new job I get to ride a lot of elevators. Most of them are old and boring, but many new buildings, especially high-rises, have luxurious elevators designed to get riders to ooh and ahh at the shiny features. These new features look cool now, but in a few years they'll be as dated as Windows ME.

For example, last night I rode an elevator in a tall older building. The elevator had a voice in it that asked, "Going up?" when you got in it to go up. It then gruffly stated, "Going down" at you if you had the audacity to want to travel in a downwards direction. I don't know why it was so nice on one trip and so mean on the other. Maybe it had a split Genuine People Personality. Anyway, it must have seemed super-cool and almost futuristic 20 years ago, but now it's just unintentionally funny. The voice was so highly digitized it reminded me of those 80's video games like Gauntlet and Karate Champ. I kept waiting for it to say, "Shots do not hurt other players (long pause) yet."

The other day I rode one with a 15-inch screen right above the door. But as my co-worker pointed out to me, the only useful thing the screen shows is the current weather. The rest is advertisements for things that rich people would be interested in like designer drugs and investment portfolios. It's nothing but sensory assault, just like all new technology is these days. The current weather didn't even benefit us, since we had just come in from outside. That screen was just there to generate revenue and look cool. I guess it doesn't really pay to have an episode of Seinfeld playing for a 10-second elevator ride. Worthless.

Another elevator I ride has glass on either side that appears straight but is actually slightly curved, causing an infinite reflection stretching upward until you get really tiny and disappear into the ceiling. It's fun. This elevator has no screen or advertisements of any kind. I wholeheartedly endorse it, if you can find it.

Some buildings are so tall and pretentious that you have different elevators based on which floor you're going to. There's nothing more fun than getting on an elevator and trying to find button #6 when the buttons go from 21-30 while some guy in a tie scowls perplexedly at you. This should be outlawed. How hard is it to just build a building without making it unnecessarily hard on first-time visitors? Aren't these things taken into consideration? Are most architects just bored and looking for any way to trick a building up?

Elevators. They take you up, but they also let you down.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

EPTH Official Notice

I'm leaving Papa John's for the greener, greasier, and closer pastures of Pizza Hut. It's about 13 miles closer to where I live, so it had to happen sooner or later. My particular instance of the Papa had become allergic to business anyway. It will also be nice to not have Cowboys owner Jer-bear Jones as a de facto boss. And I won't ever see underwear guy again, except possibly in heaven.

I got the special edition DVD of Eraserhead from Netflix, and am currently marching through it at a snail's pace. It's awesome, though. There's also a totally nerdy feature-length interview with David Lynch, where his head just sits and smokes and talks about the crazy process of filming the creep-fest. He didn't say how he got the baby to move, though.

Can you believe he lived on that set, in Henry's room? Talk about conserving resources. I wonder if he kept that baby puppet in there with him.

I've gotten to the point where I'm just rambling, so I'll stop. It was great to see you again, really it was. We'll have to talk again sometime, under less evil circumstances.

Things I still can't wrap my head around: That FOX cancelled the funniest show on TV (Arrested Development), and the Ray Allen trade. These things scare me more than that baby-thing or that chipmunk chick in thr radiator. What kind of world do we live in?

Fun fact: Eraserhead was inspired by Lynch's time in Philadelphia. Maybe that's what happened to T.O. Owens. Maybe Philly Eraserheaded him into submission, driving him mad. It's as good a guess as any, holmes.

Stay surly.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

T.O. Owens: Order of Events.

Media forces are converged on Irving, TX yesterday to deal with the aftermath of the T.O. suicide attempt/pill confusion story from last night. As far as I can tell from listening to the "all T.O. Owens all the time" coverage on every radio station, here's the story as it unfolded:

1) Sometime last night (8 or 9) a 911 call was placed from the condo of Mr. Owens (or "The Player," as Dallas Cowboys Coach Bill Parcells calls him). The player was later taken to the hospital, where he remained overnight.

2) Rumors flew that he was having his stomach pumped.

3) Early this morning the police report of the incident was leaked to Channel 8 here in Dallas. The report said that a) Mr. Owens ingested a lot of pills, b) Ms. Etheridge tried to fish a couple out of his mouth, since she believed he had ingested up to 35 of them, c) She told police that T.O. Owens was depressed, d) The police asked him if he had taken all the pills and if he "intended to harm himself,"and his answer to both questions was "yes." e) He was taken to the hospital for a drug overdose.

4) The Police held a news conference where some mean Lieutenant got up there and said "There was no criminal act committed and our investigation is over. If you want the 9-11 tape, you know where to get it. I can't say any more because this is a medical issue, not a legal one. Don't ask me any questions." Then he proceeded to answer a few questions.

5) Rumors flew that T.O. Owens was released on his own Escalade recogniscence, and was headed to his condo, where there would be a news conference.

6) T.O. arrived at the condo, along with: tons of media members, Drew Rosenhaus (T.O. Owens' agent), and former Dallas Cowboys/current Owens and Terry Hornbuckle "defense attorneys" Mike Irvin and Deion Sanders. A news conference was scheduled, then cancelled.

7) Owens, the press, Rosenhaus, Irvin, Sanders, and Ms. Etheridge all go to Valley Ranch, where the Dallas Cowboys offices are. There are rumors, probably true ones, that the Cowboys stepped in and forced T.O. Owens to hold the conference there instead of his driveway. If there was going to be a circus, they wanted to wear clown make-up with him.

8) Cowboys coach Bill Parcells gets mad at his early afternoon news conference when every question is about The Player. He storms off, claiming that "You guys probably know more than me." What a jack-butt, eh?

9) Drew Bledsoe addresses the whole Cowboys team behind closed doors. Nobody knows what was said, but immediately after that address he joined "The Ticket" radio station in Dallas for a little interview. In this interview, he stated that T.O. Owens went to the hospital because of a reaction he had to the combination of a pain killer and a "natural supplement." He gets kinda cynical about it, as if rumors of suicide attempts just come with the territory when you're T.O. Owens.

10) The Player holds his news conference, where he: a) Thanks God for keeping him healthy, b) Apologizes to God and the Cowboys for having an allergic reaction and going to the hospital, c) He didn't take 35 pills, d) He didn't have his stomach pumped. e) You silly police and media, and f) He mixed supplements and pain pills, got groggy, and doesn't remember answering any police questions about harming himself. Dude crazy.

11) A dissheveled Ms. Etheridge speaks next and says she never told the police he was depressed, she just saw the empty pill bottle and a drugged-up T.O. and panicked. That's why she called 911. Also, she wasn't able to recall fishing 2 pills out of his mouth. Even better, she said he has "25 million reasons to live." Nothing like a publicist scoreboarding us for her client.

12) The dust settles, and nobody knows quite what to make of it.