Blowing my Expectations Out of Control

Last night was the Perfect Storm in terms of interesting/crazy things happening, so let me delineate them for you:

-- We looked at 7 houses, and found what might possibly be our Dream Home. We were going to put an offer on it, only to find that the picture on the listing did not match the one in our world, i.e., the real one. We still really want the house though. Not once in this whole house-hunting process did I think we might find a house this cool. Seriously. (stay tuned for more house hunting talk, which my wife suggested would be a good idea.)

-- Having blown our minds with that house, we then ate at the Genghis Grille. Not that newsworthy, I know, but let me remind myself in this space never to take the Szechuan sauce again. I've used it twice, and been gravely disappointed each time. Plus, it makes my lips burn.

-- Thanks to the House Hunting, we got home at approx. 9pm. The evening was shot, but I still wanted to go forward with my plan to install Linux on my Compaq laptop (don't worry, nerds -- this will also be a future blog topic), because I can't resist an idea like that once it gets in my head. I could not think of anything more fun than installing a brand-new (actually 2-year-old) Operating System on a computer. I still can't. In fact, I'm thinking about it right now...
Anyway, this is why you just gotta feel for my wife.

-- While the Linux install was failing/succeeding (again, just wait for it), I checked my e-mail. Lo and behold, I had 10 fresh messages! Of course, 5 of those were total spam (despite the presence of Yahoo's spam blocker -- I even got one of those "Hello, I don't know you, but I'm overseas and I need you to launder some money for me" messages), but the other 5 were legit. I'm going to concentrate on 2 right now:

1) First of all, I don't know if you, the reader, are aware of this, but I actually have a domain hosted for me by a friend of mine -- epthnation.com. Well, last night he decided to upgrade me to some sort of administrative account where I get a control panel and magic powers and most importantly, access to programs like Wordpress (a blogging program that's way better than this free Blogger). There's a bunch of programs on there. My friend, the Great Boom, set this up for me because I complained that I wasn't going to be payin' for no Wordpress as long as Blogger is free. To make a long story short, not only will I be able to figure out how to host this blog at epthnation.com (and hopefully have epth.blogspot.com automatically point to that), I get to monkey around with Wordpress to boot.

Great Boom. Great, great Boom.

2) Secondly, I get a comment on my blog from someone I don't know -- this rarely happens, as the astute reader who goes through my comments will see. Not only was this a person I don't know, it was a person whose blog I wrote about in my Cavalcade of Blogs II. Needless to say, I am now her Biggest Fan. See? That's all it takes -- a comment, and you're in. Anyway, I feel bad about what I wrote regarding her blog, even though I did give it a B+ -- the highest grade of the day. That's practically an "A!" Yeah, so that blew my mind a little bit.

The really astute reader will note that she's actually the second "person-I-don't-know-who-contacted-me-after-I-blogged-about-their-site." The first was some dude at icerocket.com, which is still the blog search engine of choice for the descriminating internet user. And by that I don't mean "descriminatory." Now with a Myspace tab for you concerned parents/ne'er-do-wells out there!

See? A note is all it takes, and I'm your friend for life. I'm not sure I like what this post is saying about me. But what did you expect?

I was up until 1:30 last night with these Linux/epthnation.com/blog issues. So forgive me if my prose lacks 'pop' this morning.

And There was Much Rejoicing (yayy...)

Brett Favre is coming back for another season as QB of the Packers!

I don't know what this means, but I'm fairly happy about it. Let's just let it be what it is today, shall we? At least he decided before the draft.

The Pack is Back?

Various Lindsey Lohan - Unrelated Items

I realized last night that my reprehensible Papa John's area manager, Man Bob Bill, is fat. He's so fat he waddles, in fact. I can't believe I didn't realize this until now. I mention this solely to take an unprovoked shot at him.

Speaking of fat, I'm fat, too. But at least I don't waddle.

Speaking of not waddling anymore, Jennifer Garner and her Alias are on tonight, part of the series-ending blow-out that ABC is putting on just for me. Last week, the show's audience increased to 7.5 million viewers, or roughly 1/3 the viewership of House. Fricking House. Since when is that a hit show? Anyone -- is this show any good?

Random, probably overly dramatic and yellow attack on the Bush Administration, because this is America: Bush thinks software piracy is worse than assaulting a police officer, and equivalent to creating/selling child porn. Isn't it great to live in a sensible Christian nation like this? Bush's priorities always line up like this:
1) Lining the Pockets of the Fat Cats with their Corporate Greed.
2) Big Business
3) Business
4) Family
5) The Mexican Vote
6) Not Looking Like a Moron

If you view everything he does through the glass of these 6 priorities, everything starts to make sense.

Because the 9/11 victims aren't fat cats, they're facing opposition to their plans of getting a memorial built for the passengers of United Flight 93. But hey, at least they got that movie coming out to keep them pacified. Also, don't forget about Snakes on a Plane -- that's at least tangentially related. Keeping the memorial isolated to those two films will save taxpayers 10 million over the next four years. It's nice to finally see some fiscal responsibility out of Republicans these days, isn't it?

Finally, in the "So-and-so spare got a book deal but I didn't department:" A teenager named Kaavya Viswanathan wrote a lame Young Adult novel with a long title that "borrowed" as many as 40 passages from another Young Adult author, Megan McCaffery. What does this mean?

1) Never trust a teenager under any circumstances, especially if they're writing novels at age 17.
2) If you're going to "borrow" from a book, don't repeat verbatim phrases like, "170 specialty shops later." What's wrong with "184 specialty shops later"? Or "170 overpriced stores for vapid capitalist pigs like you later"?

As an editorial aside, I see nothing wrong with borrowing phrases from other, better books. It's called a homage, people. Get with literature and put down your plagiarism pointy finger.

It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times. Stupid monkey.

Cavalcade of Blogs II: (Not Reggie Bush)

Back by "banco popular" (pronounced "bahn-koh pop-oo-larr") demand, it's another Cavalcade of Blogs! That's where I start at this blog, click on Blogger's handy-dandy "next blog" button, and keep doing it until I confirm again that I have the best Blog in the free world. It's random, po-mo, and totally extreme blogging at its most extreme. So put down that skateboard and get ready, because here we go...

1) Her Confessions; (?)

Despite the fun URL, I could not confirm or deny the existence of any fluffy snowmen on this blog. It starts out with an Oxydol white entrance page that has a grayed-out picture of several guitars (I figured out later that the author is probably in Music School somewhere in England). There are three tiny links (which are indicated by the fact that you see a "plus" sign when you mouse over them -- urgh. I hate nonstandard link indicators) to the right of the image: "me," "entries," and "links." "Me" pops up a biography that's short and to the point, but still manages to be confusing (Eleanor, FOURTEEN, hihs). "Links" brings up an alphabetical list of her friends' blogs, some of which are even more convoluted than this one. "Entries" brings up the overdramatic ramblings of a 14-year-old girl, localized completely in that middle frame for minimum readability. And not only that, but they're confusing, too: She appears to be taking "tuition" class. Is that a class where you work off your tuition by hammering out license plates or something?

Plus, she doesn't actually confess anything.

Sample Sentence: was doing compo and typical anabelle didn't do and was studying her bio in tuition (:
she was saying she doesnt like colourful things but instead like colours on her paper when she study, haha totally ironic !

Grade: D

2) Tickles bei Blogger.com

My first German blog includes features such as naughty words (as translated by Google) and passionate thoughts. At least I think they're passionate. A lot gets lost in the translation. But it's kinda fun to decipher what this guy, Christian Degrees (name translated from German), is trying to say. Mr. Degrees appears to be under attacks of some sort, judging by the subtitle of his blog ("Here testweise is herumgebloggt. Between seizableness and open to attackness."), but I could not determine who the attackers were. Those silly Germans, always paranoid and looking for scapegoats.

Also features the German word for "to blog", which is apparently "bloggen."

Sample Sentence (translated by Google): The world seems to me today so unusually, somewhat superficially, nearly unreally. Notice procedures reserved; a kind of raisedness. Beautifully, beautifully. To the arrogance again little indifference, Aalglaette. So it is to solidify itself, then it is to remain.

Grade: D+

3) Celibate in the City

Check out this blog's tagline: "Misadventures of urban dating and life for a Mormon woman living in Gotham. She's single! She's sexy!....She's celibate. These are her stories." That's what the consultants at BlogConformistsUSA would call "A great blog concept." At least at first glance, it is. But what of the content? After perusal of the blog, do we readers care about this sexy Mormon, or is she just a different breed of internet hooch?

Well, the introduction sets the stage pretty well, but once you get past all the window-dressing a very fundamental and disappointing question needs to be asked of this New York Mormonette: Why aren't you dating Mormons, or at least people who believe in celibacy? I see from reading this that you have grown up with LDS men and have "biases" against them, but do you really see anything else working out? If not, why date generic East Coasters? Most of those douches date so they can have sex. If you're committed to being celibate, is it any wonder why things aren't going so well?

The whole theme of the blog is about finding someone to marry, and how the Mormon Church looks down upon singles over 25 years old. That's interesting. Rail against that more.

Sample Sentence: It was not having sex that made me so insecure with him. I knew he liked me, was attracted to me and enjoyed my company. But I knew he was used to sleeping with his women. I knew he wanted to sleep with me too. I didn't know how to maturely deal with the situation. Our discussion about sex went as follows:
"By the way, you're not getting any from me."
"I figured as much. That was an odd way to put it."
"Well, it's not an easy thing to bring up."
"I imagine so."
Then we went back to kissing.

Grade: B+

4) A-Team???

Since I don't have the appropriate Firefox language pack installed, this page is just a bunch of question marks and a few links to Asian hobby crapola. In light of this, here's the lyrics to the A-Team action figures commericals of the 80's:
They're the A-Team (you know they're soldiers of fortune)
They're the A-Team (helping people in need)
You can pretend that you're Hannibal, Murdock or Face -- or even B.A. Baracus, you know each one is an ace.
Each is sold separately, with rifle and gear, so if it's trouble you face, you know the A-Team's here.
They're the A-Team (by Galoob).

Sample Sentence: 　エッチぃシーンの原稿を直してたら、編集からメール。ちょうどそのシーンで押し倒されるヒロインのラフ画が送られてきた。それがあまりに「萌え」だったので、押し倒すのが気の毒になり、筆が止まってしまった。パソコンの前で三時間ほどもだえておりましたよ。

Grade: F-- (even if I could read it, I strongly suspect it wouldn't matter.)

5) Stock Trading System -- 12345

This is definitely a spam blog, so look for blog comments about the so-called "Forex stock-trading system" at a blog near you. This blog has exactly two entries, both confusing and dealing with the world of high-finance. It's unclear what the author, a robot named Paul_Forex_trading_etc..., expects these posts to do. Is this an advertisement for some sort of book or website? If I have to ask, it's not a very good one.

Sample Sentence: Interest rates and the relative strength of the economy are the two primary factors that determine the availability of a currency.

Grade: F

6) Tookies

Is there anything more disturbing than a bad beard? In this blog, a guy who looks like that one guy on MADTV (you know, the guy who plays "Stuart") shows off his bad beard and good family to the world. He's got the kind of beard that requires an intervention. Sadly, nobody cares enough about this man to tell him he looks like a sex offender. But then again, so do I. Who am I to intervene? And looking at the archives, it seems the beard is a new phenomenon. What can be grown can also be shaved -- never forget that.

Let's move on, before I start having day-nightmares.

Sample Sentence: looking good

Grade: D for Disturbing

7) Geeklinks.net

With the techie world already awash in techie news sites (slashdot, CNET, The Register, many others), it's unclear what the so-called Mr. Siouxmoux expects to add. Well, it's hard to add something when your blog posts consist of nothing but a copy-and-pasted article from another news source and a link to that article. This blog is a news aggregator, plain and simple. Why you'd read this instead of any of the sites I mentioned before is a puzzle with one solution: you wouldn't.

In short, even though the title mentions "News and Views," there's no views at all and no news you couldn't find somewhere else. Blah.

Sample Sentence: MacBook Pro, which was announced in January and features Intel's Duo dual-core chip, is currently available with a 15-inch screen. The new notebooks will begin shipping next week, Apple said in a statement.

Grade: D-

(editorial aside: Is it too much to ask for some interesting content from this "Next Blog" button? Come on, Google/Blogger! You've got only three more chances!)

8) Lunchbox Films

This blog, the blogoverse arm of Lunchbox Films' marketing dept., has exactly one post, warning us that information will be coming in the future. Here's a tip from an experienced blogger, free of charge -- you might want to have that trailer done BEFORE you start your blog, so you don't look stupid. I don't even think there is a film called "The Other Side of Hell," and even if there is, I never want to see it.

Stick that in your lunchbox.

Sample Sentence (The only one to choose from, actually): I recently just completed the trailer and will soon be posting more details about the completion and release of the film.

Grade: F-

9) Cutthroat Miniatures

Ok, I'm going to disclose first that I have friends who are into "miniatures," (tiny scuplted representations of things, usually monsters and/or swashbuckling heros) and therefore am predisposed against mocking them, even though they are admittedly pretty silly. This blog consists of nothing but pictures of said miniatures, and some of them are kinda cool. You have to at least appreciate the attention to detail, even if you think the "action shots" are a bit much.

Further disclosure: I had a miniature once -- a dwarf. He rode a miniature dragon. Where have you gone, oh symbol of my childhood nerdiness?

Sample Sentence: One Street. Two warbands. One goal. Total annihilation.

Grade: A (for fans of miniatures) or C- (for everyone else)

10) Naturista

Finally, a blog I can really comment on! First of all, I want you to note that there is apparently a Naturist (who are more highly philosophical nudists, from what I can tell -- but I'm sure they'd protest that description) "season," ranging from roughly late April-October. That's when it's warm enough to practice their "clothing optional" lifestyle, apparently. But wait -- if it's really a lifestyle, shouldn't they be doing it all the time? This brings up the question of why they do it at all. There is talk of "being at one with nature." Are clothes really unnatural? Is shame? Is modesty? The next time you're "one with nature," you should ask yourself if that lemur or that fern is subverting their own natural shame in order to feel a certain way. If not, you're not really "one" with them, are you?

Sample sentence: We also ventured east from Weston Mouth into Littlecombe Bay and found a footpath up the cliff that passes several undercliff dwellings that would be perfect for a Naturist Summer Rental! (imagine coming upon that when you're on vacation...)

Grade: C

Again, one thing is clear from all this: I have the best blog in the world. Consider yourself blessed to be reading it, and not any of these other lame ones.

Every Alias Character but Francie's Kitchen Sink

If ever a show deserved a knock-down drag-out send-off, it's Alias, which has juggled complicated plots and untrustworthy characters for nearly 5 seasons. The show returned last week after a break of a couple of months, and the special double-episode reminded us all of why we thought Alias was fun in the first place. Having Lena Olin involved didn't hurt. The following are the characters that need to come back over the next few weeks for their final denoument:

Will (obviously, and what is Bradley "Shark Tooth" Cooper doing these days anyway? Will needs to get brainwashed back to 2001 and go back to being a journalist.)
Sark (needs to die a horrific death, preferably by potato.)
Anna Espinosa (Cryogenically unfrozen, then re-frozen just for the heck of it)
Evil Francie (Needs to turn good)
Eric Weiss (Needs to be killed by Zombie Nadia)
Zombie Nadia (Needs to kill Weiss, eat his brains, then fly to Russia as a zombie. Then they can make the first Alias movie and call it: "Zombie on a Plane.")
Lauren (needs to come back from the dead, hand Vaughn divorce papers, shoot self)
Danny, Sydney's fiancee' (needs to be exposed as the evil mastermind behind Prophet 5)
Quentin Tarrantino (needs to come back and wreak general havoc.)
Suit and Glasses (needs to come back and apologize for all he's done, a la My Name is Earl)
Emily Sloane (whose head needs to be in a jar in one of Sloane's filing cabinets at APO, leading Jack & Co. to actually finally investigate him)
Katya Derevko (needs to come back with a neo-nazi army)
The guy played by "Nick" from Freaks and Geeks (needs to drive up and offer Sydney a bag of hash.)

Only if all these people come back will I be satisfied. Have a nice day, JJ, and stop thinking about Star Trek for one second.