This is Epth Nation

Epth is a state of mind, not a place. Reading this will give you a virtual drivers license in that state, but you'll still need to be 21 to purchase alcohol. And you can't get any there anyway, so stop asking.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

More of my dog's grill, just because you demanded it. She looks a little groggy. Posted by Hello

Use for all your search needs.

The CEO of shot me an e-mail after he saw my review. He addressed my concerns thusly:
"We have just switched over to our new technology today and it is going to take us a few weeks to get things perfect. Also just an FYI, we search the content of blogs, so a search fpr the word "epth" would not necessarily return your blog unless you had used that particular text in your posts."

So, in closing, if you don't use because you like it, at least use it because its freaking CEO read my blog and actually addressed my concerns. Being a small fish in a big pond, I am wholly unaccustomed to having my concerns addressed, so right now am speechless (typed-word-less(?)). This must be how it feels to be important. can count me as a fan from now on. Yes, I'm just that easy.

side note: If I express displeasure about you or your company/entity in a blog entry, just send me a nice e-mail and I will cave like the French in WW II. Unless you're French, in which case, your mom.

Friday, March 04, 2005

I got all up in my dog's grill and took a picture. Posted by Hello

Various Things

I have a bit of time at the end of work today, so I thought I should post.

Clueless Salesman (CS) just walked into my room at work here asking me a stupid question. They say there's no such thing as a stupid question, but what if there's no way the person you're asking will have any idea what the answer is? I think that qualifies as at least ignorant, if not full-on stupid.

You see, there's high-dollar stuff in my "secure" room that the salespeople have to come and sign out if they want to sell. It's a bad system for all involved, but it keeps us from hemorraging money. Certain salespeople who haven't learned better think that since they're in my room, I know everything about them -- price, what programs are in a certain version of office, etc. On purpose I have not learned these things, because I have nothing to do with the product except guarding it, and that's only when I'm in here. Allow me to summarize the conversation I just had:

CS -- (Barging into my room, which he's not supposed to do) Hey, I've got a question. When are you going to get the 64-bit version of Windows?
ME -- I have no idea.
CS -- Don't you have them in here? What, do they just need a warm body?
ME -- (not really believing what I just heard) I don't do anything with them except keep them in here so you won't steal them.
CS -- But what I'm asking is if you're going to get it, I mean, before we get it out on the sales floor.
ME -- (Making things up just to end the conversation at this point) No, I think you guys get it first.
CS -- But I thought the OEM versions might be out before...
ME -- I think the retail versions come out first.
CS -- (half kidding) Think? Don't you know?

So then he leaves, and I know that with his attitude, he is not long for the store. If you can walk into someone else's workspace and tell them what their job is supposed to be when you have no idea what they do, you must be rubbing all sorts of people the wrong way. I remember the last salesperson who smarted off to me. C.S. doesn't because he was fired long before C.S. got here, fired because he was hated by all.

Of course, the underlying issue here is that nobody here really knows what I do. If they did, or at least had a vague understanding of what a service department is, they would not be asking if I am "just a warm body" they hired to guard some software.

The underlying underlying issue is that some people can't see beyond their own world even for a second.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

My Birthday

My birthday is winding down, and i want to thank those who helped make it possible.

I turn 33 today, March 3rd. In other words, if it were 72 years earlier, the world may have ended. Of course, you wouldn't have been able to read this blog, so I guess we're all thankful we live now, right?

But no seriously, you should see things 72 years from now. Two words: Hover Refrigerators.

Jobs, Part I

This will be the first in the two-part Epth Nation Blog exclusive series on the topic of "In what manner have my employers gone completely insane". First up, Papa John's.

I have worked for this numchuck-weilding pizza chain for 3 years, and thus can speak fairly authoritatively on the reasons why Pizza Hut and Dominos are kicking our butts. A lot of this is going to sound like issues of policy and company direction, as they come up with insane and harmful solutions to small problems. But it's really a problem of company structure and the fact that they put more value in the insane rantings of the people high up in home office than the people who actually serve the pizza. And it's not even's the fact that nobody questions anything for fear of being fired that's the real problem. With that in mind, I will now tell the story of the last year of the John's.

About a year ago Papa John's corporation made the decision (despite the stagnant economy) that their price per ticket was too low. To fix this problem, they stopped offering specials on anything less than 2 large pizzas. Long-time customers were now finding no coupons for just one pizza, and subsequently were paying $17 for the same pizza they had previously been paying 12 or 13 bucks for. Well, I wouldn't say they were paying it, since most of them hung up and got familiar with our competiton. We basically cut our customer base in half, and therefore our number of orders in half. Price per order was up, but only slightly, and not nearly what it needed to be.

Papa John's then decided that promotions were the way to increase business, as they sold basketballs(!) during March Madness last year (oh, did I say sold? I meant "were forced to give away" after like 3 people bought them -- those suckers) . That didn't go so well, but then they got these great deals on DVDs. Their plan was still to get people to pay full price for a large pizza, but now they had these DVDs to entice people. Their plans were foiled when the customers realized the DVDs sucked (I mean, by far the most popular one was Weekend at Bernie's, a throwaway comedy released in the mid-1980's). Then they got new DVDs, but those sucked too. Nothing they tried was working. Could it be that people don't want to pay 19 bucks for a pizza? Hmm...

Four months into this disastrous policy the "stockholders" and the people who watch them decided that this plan was insane and they went back to the way things were before. It was a time of great falling on our knees and asking our old customers for forgiveness publicly, but privately most of the higher-ups at Papa John's (by which I mean those above store level, or those who don't have to deal with actual customers) cursed the stores, the stockholders, and the customers for not believing with their whole heart in this insane business plan. What a bunch of idiots. Our Area Manager, Man Bob Bill, was an unabashed fan of this stupid full-price pizza plan, saying, "Well, California Pizza Kitchen charged $20 a pizza just because they're 'gourmet', and who's to say that we're not 'gourmet'?"

The customers, that's who. Idiot!

So we go back to normal specials, but our customer base has been decimated by the bad planning, and it takes them a while to come back (we're still nowhere near where we were before Bad Business Plan). It is at this point that management loses their mind completely. How do you get business back? Good service, right? I mean, you want to coddle the customers and give them a reason to try you again and again, right? Wrong, according to Upper Management. They became obsessed with labor costs, and made people cut their schedules. But that didn't last long, since they became upset at the crappy service numbers we had, and ordered less concentration on labor and more on service. What they should have done is forgotten about labor for a year or so and just gotten our customers back. But after only a couple of weeks of the high labor costs, they were freaking out and back to making people reach their labor numbers. It's this constant shifting focus that is driving all the good managers crazy. All the bad managers couldn't care less, because they're just there to do what they're told and collect a paycheck. So you're rewarding Just Following Orders and punishing Independant Thought. This is the way things are run at the Papa.

Over the past 2 weeks they have done some things that are totally insane and that no restaurant in their right mind would try. But stores just have to be quiet and take it. First, the directive came down that "Shift" Managers (i.e., hourly ones) could no longer open the store. Why, you ask? Because they have a tendency to work through dinner rush and that puts them there 9-10 hours during a day, wasting precious labor. Of course, they could have been like every other company and just said, "don't let your Shift Managers work overtime" and let the Store Managers figure out how to make it happen. It's like somebody at Corporate is overthinking things in an attempt to justify their existence with the company, and nobody is smart enough to shoot the ideas down.

This week, the directive came down from above that since a few stores were closing early and quoting 2 hour delivery times in the last hour of operation in an attempt to scare off late customers, all stores would have a Last Hour Sales Goal that they have to meet. If they don't meet it, they stay open up to an hour longer or until they do meet it.

Now, putting aside for a second how little the Papa values its closing employees (morale seems to be a dirty word), this flatly contradicts that whole "labor savings" thing, doesn't it? Staying open an hour after close when you haven't gotten any business the hour before close is...well, there's a reason why you've never heard of anyone doing this before. I'll use this word again -- insane. It's like burning money. Not only that, it rewards the stores who were closing early before because all they have to do is pick up the phone and deliver those orders, and they make the Sales Goal. It's the other stores, the good stores, that will get punished by having to stay open. Does that friendly Papa John we see on the commercials know about this mess? Did he come up with this idea? Does he have some monkey rubber-stamp every idea that crosses his desk?

This should tell you something: Even Man Bob Bill says it's crazy, and he's the dude who told our store manager Guy this month that he would be fired if he didn't make certain labor and food cost goals, causing Guy to do what any manager would do in that situation -- take steps to insure that won't happen. My point is, MBB is an evil moron company puppet, and even he can't get on board with this. My head a splode. At times like this, I wish the Bobs from Office Space would show up. If anyone ever needed a banner that says, "Is this good for the company?", it's Papa John's Corporate Office.

In addition to insanity above us we can't control, there's the everyday insanity of working in this particular Papa John's. Our store manager is not a leader -- he's just concerned with not confronting anyone and not getting fired. When those two goals conflict with each other, he'll gladly throw his underlings under the bus to make himself look better. He takes 3 smoke breaks an hour and gives everybody the same review -- perfectly average -- no matter how good or bad they are. He only seems to hire potheads and old men.

The other drivers aren't scared of anyone confronting them, so they just take whatever deliveries they can get their pot-stained hands on. I have given up pointing this out, because nothing comes of it. Business is slow, and I'm making about half the tips I was when I started. They expanded our delivery area to get more business, but it's far away and chock full of ghettoized apartments where the people don't tip.

Oh, I almost forgot -- two Papa John's whose delivery areas were adjacent to ours closed in the past year, so two huge areas no longer could get Papa's delivered. The people in those areas would always call us and get mad when they were told this, too. Are we big time? I think not.

I'm sure there's more, but that's all I can think of right now. Thanks.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Quickly, Survivor

Last Thursday lots of things happened on Survivor, or at least lots of things seemed to happen. You never can tell with the heavy editing. Anyhoo, I must join with the rest of America in rooting for the massively awesome team of Ian the skinny dolphin trainer and Tom the firefighter who can hold his breath for a ridiculous amount of time while pulling a metal box. I don't really care about any of the rest of these people as of yet, not even that pale girl with the tatoos that needs to put a fricking shirt on so CBS doesn't have to break their pixellation budget for the year. Seriously, this is why they give you a buff, so you won't have to swim in your half-bra all day.

Congrats to the young lame team for voting off the girl that didn't want to be there, and congrats to Ibrahim for not voting for her out of loyalty. Of course, that vote was like me voting Libertarian in Texas, he knew it didn't matter and was free to be loyal. But it was a nice gesture on a show that never rewards nice gestures.

It was a pretty good episode for one that had very little drama. I loved the flint rescue and the immunity challenge, and the fact that the young tribe doesn't seem to have ironclad alliances yet. It's quite a change from last year, where from week one you you tell that the weak and annoying had banded together to eliminate the strong. Thankfully they have had hard challenges where strong people are needed -- both tribes are probably afraid of losing too many people. Chris would not have won this year because people would have recognized him as a scheming pussbag with no skills.

That is all.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

O Lord, Stay Your Hand

After some browsing through,, and various other news websites, I am forced to come to the conclusion that the whole world has become nothing other than a Sodom-and-Gomorrah-inspired hell hole, and I am left wondering why we have not all been squished. When people disingenously ask, "How could a good God allow evil to exist?" they should really be asking, "How can a good God allow us to still exist at all?" He allows evil to exist because that's what we have become, thanks to all of us. The only good in the world comes from God.

I've been thinking a lot about Free Will lately, and how it's obvious to me that it comes standard in every human that comes off the line. Some people say that Free Will is an illusion, but I think it's really the other way around -- we allow ourselves to become enslaved to some act or thought when a simple act (or, in hard cases, repeated acts) of God-given Will would immediately break the enslavement. We don't have to be programmable machines that are socialized to act in a certain way. That's the beauty of being human. We aren't like the animals, who act on some programmed instinct. We may have instinctual emotions, thoughts, and even physical symptoms, but we can always act against our instinct, if we try hard enough.

That's what makes Tony Robbins and Scientology and every other cult that promises "Personal Power" or "Freedom from Whatever ails you" just different versions of the same thing -- they all tap into our Free Will and call it something else. It's not mystical (although a supernatural God did give us this natural gift), it's just part of everyone's ability set. And they make billions off of it by claiming they're the gatekeepers of some hidden knowledge. Crazy.

Of course, this Free Will is limited by our ability to think of things (we can't do what we don't conceive of), and our physical abilities (we can't run a 2-minute mile, no matter how we push ourselves). There's also a more disturbing thing that inhibits it: our own selfishness. If we do end up going all "mind-over-matter" and can act in whatever way we Will, where do we go from there? How do we know what to do? If we just do whatever we really want to do, we will end up in the same place we were before we recognized our Free Will, namely, a slave to our own selfish desires. If we are honest with ourselves, we will understand that our Will always bends towards selfish action -- not merely self-preservation, but self-destructive desires that make us feel better immediately but have dire consequences later. So why have Free Will if we're just going to act in our own selfish interests anyway? Why not just give up and do whatever feels good to us?

There is a solution to this underlying selfishness. It can be and has been solved by the only one who will call it what it is: sin. The only one that can turn you from sin is Jesus, because he defeated it. The person who recognizes this sin and turns away from it will find that his Will is suddenly Free, and that his newly Free Will is looking for ways to thank the one that turned him from sin. He will also have guidelines on what to be doing with his Free Will, instead of just letting his heart lead him around like a man holding on to a giant deflating balloon. We do have a purpose, it just needs to be found.

That's a pretty surface explanation of things, I know, but I like it.

Monday, February 28, 2005

The First Annual "Ahh-Vahs"

My Super Sweet Sixteen Season-Ending Awards – The “Ahh-vahs”

There is now a gaping hole in the MTV schedule, Tuesdays at 9:30 CST. “My Super Sweet Sixteen” is ending its first season, though MTV may try to milk it of whatever remaining ratings it can produce next year. The first season had only 6 episodes, making the potential “Complete First Season” DVD a probable rip-off. I mean, this isn’t The Office, and I shudder to think about what special features they will have, although a “where are they now” featurette 5 years from now simply must be made.

I thought I would have a little fun ranking these people in several categories, leading up to the Top Award of the Season, the equivalent of “Best Picture”, which we’ve named “Most Insane”. Let’s call these awards “The Ahh-vahs”, which as a name is just pure fun, no? Yes.

(let’s start with the earlier, less significant awards, which were given out last night in an underground bunker far away from civilization. These “Ahh-vahs” are not made of gold, but of Kielbasa.)

Drunkest: Jacqui’s Mom

Most Likely to Succeed – Jacqueline

Cutest – Sara

Gayest moment – Will asks if he can borrow Sara’s dress

Most Worthless Human with Under 10 seconds of screen time – Angel

Most Potentially Misrepresented by MTV – Lauren

Least Religious – Ava’s mom and dad

Most annoying speaking voice – Ava

Worst Venue – Hart’s Parking Garage

Most Disturbing Fashion Accessory/Habit – Hart’s turned-up collar

Boobs – Natalie

Most Fashionable – Lauren

Most Spoiled – Ava

Now, the real Ahh-Vah’s can begin (winners and reasons are in Italics):

Category 1: Most Ridiculous Statement, Lead Actor.

“The best part about being a celebrity is the photos.” -- Sierra

“Nobody has had or ever will have a Sweet Sixteen Party like this.” – Natalie

“Hells Yeah!” – Hart

“They totally killed my birthday-uh” – Ava

“I don’t want a dress from Jiki, nobody knows who that is” – Ava

“Well, I’m not going to go barefoot.” – Lauren

Maybe the moment of the season.

Category 2: Most Ridiculous Statement, Supporting Actor.

“They better be hella-fied” Sierra’s Party Planner

“God forbid that goes by my house and the neighbors should see it.” – Hart’s Dad

“He’s acting like someone else is his father – what the F___ is that?” – Hart’s Dad

“You have to respect your mother and me.” – Ava’s Dad


(To Pauly Shore) “I loved all your movies!” – Girl at Jacqueline and Lauren’s party

He was “just kidding”, right?

Category 3: Worst Outfit Tried On or Worn by Lead Actor

The garbage bag with the boob-hole cut out – Sierra

Fur, do-rag, and granny glasses – Sierra

Boob dress with jungle print – Natalie

White floral print dress -- Lauren

The famous red hooker dress – Ava

The ugly dress with the collar and the bow – Jacqueline

Just jaw-dropping.

Category 4: Most Overhyped Event that Amounted to Nothing

The Nacho Bar – Episode VI

The Catfight – Episode V

Ava almost dropped on her way into her party – Episode III

Jackie’s “crush” Chad comes to her party – Episode II

The Streakers – Episode II

Jacqueline gets punched in the face – Episode I

Consider the screen time wasted on these non-factors.

Category 5: Most Ridiculous Party Feature or Event

The Fashion Show – Sierra

Security Section -- Natalie

The Tennis Court – Hart

The “Crawl Room” – Hart

Shirtless Hunks – Ava

Pauly Shore – Jacqueline/Lauren

Could also win “Least Original Idea”

Category 6: Most Dubious Reason For Having a Sweet Sixteen Party

To launch an MTV career – Sierra

To buy the friendship of her schoolmates, show up her old friends – Natalie

To reconnect with dad – Hart

It was either that or a Bat Mitzvah – Ava

To show people she’s not all that nerdy – Jacque

For “Coming Out’ purposes – J & L

I’m sure she’s happy now that she’s bought friends…

Category 7: Worst Invitation Tactic

“No gift, no party” – Sierra

Riding around in a clown outfit – Sierra

Hugging the one invited freshman girl in front of her uninvited friends – Natalie

Having to call all but 5 invitees because nobody RSVP’d – Hart

Handing out invites at the mall – Jacque

Handing out booklets at school – J & L

This girl just doesn’t get it.

Category 8: Worst Appearance by a Minor Celebrity

Bow Wow – Sierra

Cee-Lo – Sierra

Jacqueline from Episode I – Natalie

Pauly Shore – J & L

No contest.

Category 9: Worst Party Behavior

Booing at the Fashion Show – “Clinton Portis” (Sierra)

Climbing the club walls for no apparent reason – Unknown (Natalie)

Staring at hoes from six inches away – Kid in hat (Hart)

Streaking – Three of Jacqui’s former friends (Jacqui)

Getting drunk, acting inappropriate with boys half your age – Jacqui’s mom (Jacqui)

Getting stoned, moshing, punching the party hostess – “Stoner moshers” (J&L)

She might be the worst mom I have seen since Mommie Dearest.

Category 10: Most Ridiculous Show Moment

Sierra instructs Tux People to require guests to bring gifts – Sierra

Will asks if a particular thing is “Chanel” – Natalie

Hart’s dad throws a temper tantrum – Hart

Ava sobs at her birthday dinner when she fails to get a Range Rover – Ava

Jacqui’s mom gets plastered, dances with Chad – Jacqui

Lauren pouts until her dad gets her shoes – J&L

Barely beats out Ava, mostly because he’s a grown-a__ man (as Rudy from Survivor 9 would say)

Category 11: Most Insane



Hart’s dad


Jacqui’s mom

The girl who loves all of Pauly Shore’s movies

She’s not human.

Totals by episode, counting the minor Ahh-Vahs as one point and the major Ahh-Vahs as two(for all you panting E! Channel watchers out there): Ava-9, Hart-8, Natalie-6, J&L-5, Jacqui-5, Sierra-2.

I hope you all enjoyed this season of MSS16 as much as I have, and I sure hope MTV does this again. Until then, I need a new show to eviscerate – anyone got any ideas?

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Happy Birthday, My Love....(aww)

It's my wife's birthday today, so Happy Birthday every time you read this.

(she keeps telling me in her best Ava voice, "You're totally ruining my birthday". It's funny, and should tell you a lot about the type of relationship we have.)

MSS16 "Marathon" on Sat.

MTV came up with an idea to make its already terribly great series My Super Sweet Sixteen even more obscene. After the initial 6-episode run, they played the episodes back-to-back with commentary by the Sweet Sixteeners themselves as well as other interesting people from the episodes. They did a pretty good job picking who we, the audience, would want to hear from. The commentary gave us an extra insight into their personality -- we saw how they reacted to MTV showing their (in some cases) spoiled and loony behavior. Some of them were refreshingly embarassed, others didn't seem to care, and still others lied about being "just kidding" when they said stupid things (I'm looking at you, Hart's dad). The commentary mostly just supported the audience's original opinion of these people, i.e., Jacqueline's a future Senator, Jacqui's mom is reprehensible, Ava doesn't understand that she's actually spoiled, and so on. Briefly, here's what I extra I noticed from the commentary and seeing the episodes again:

(side note: I saw things while watching the episodes over that were misquoted or misinterpreted in my earlier recaps, but I didn't feel like changing them, so I didn't. None of my errors really would have made a difference in my opinion of the people involved, so I'll keep them and claim poetic license, or something)

(side note 2: They also showed so-called "deleted scenes" during each episode, further devaluing the future DVD's. Of course, they can totally redeem themselves by doing a "Where are They Now" 5 years from now. Anyway, none of the scenes is interesting save the two involving Jacqui's drunk Mom, one where she goes out drinking and hits on some shirtless firefighters, and one where she gets botox injections to "freshen up" before her daughter's party. The number one thing I took away from this marathon is a feeling of sadness and pity for Jacqui, who is forced to be a mother to her own selfish and immature mom. )

1) Episode I, by Creepy Future Senator Jacqueline and In-Disguise Lauren.

The first thing I noticed is that Lauren has dyed her hair dark brown, presumably in an effort to distance herself from the bitchy zilch that she appeared to be like during her and Jacqueline's Party. She'd still a slave to fashion, though, you can tell by her clothes. Jacqueline's wearing (what else?) a shirt with a collar. They say that it was supposed to be their "coming-out party", which is interesting since both of them are now anachonistic real-live debutantes, according to an article I read in their local newspaper (I'm not obsessed with this show or anything). We also learned that local West Coast spare band Unwritten Law was what caused the moshing and punching, and that Pauly Shore wanted a kiss from the two girls when they were posing on the motorcycle. Pauly Shore wants a lot of things, I guess. And remember those two cute Freshman girls that were all dressed up but not on the list to get in? They were supposed to get invitiations. That makes that scene maybe the saddest one on the show. You know, besides that time Ava didn't get her Range Rover.

Lauren does seem embarassed by some of the things she said on the show, and was probably the Sweet Sixteener most wronged by MTV. She defends herself by twice saying, "I'm not like that at awl!" The girls also reiterate that their party raised almost $20,000 for breast cancer, which I'm sure they just aren't saying right. I don't think they took money to advance the progress of the disease.

Episode II, by Jacqui and her Deeply Troubled Non-Mother.

Mom came across in the commentary as just pure evil. She promised her daughter she wouldn't drink at the party, first of all. Let that sink in for a second. She also knew her daughter didn't want beads at the party since it was a maquerade ball and not mardi gras, but got out a bead catalog (there apparently is such a thing) anyway and bought beads for the party behind her back. She also got all botoxed up before the party against her daughter's wishes (in a creepy scene where the creepy doctor tells her "you'll look like your daughter's sister", which is both evil and not true). Jacqui makes comment after comment about mom's drinking and bad behavior, but mom just brushes it off like, "I'm the mom and I don't care what you think", which would be great if Jacqui were the one who was drinking.

Smart, nerdy Jacqui is smart and nerdy and anti-drinking clearly as a reverse rebellion against her parent's sketchy crapulence. She's textbook. Psychology classes should study her. In 5 years from now, she'll either have succombed to her mother's lessons that pain is to be medicated constantly with alcohol, or will have disowned her parents and started her own bead destruction business. Either way, I feel sorry for her.

3) Episode III, by just Ava, because her life is a black hole that sucks everything into herself.

What can you say about Ava? When MTV shows her crying because she didn't get her deathtrap Range Rover, she's (slightly) upset only because they showed her crying, not because she came across as spoiled. She wasn't misrepresented at all. For Ava, spoiled is the only way to be. Spoiled is life. Also, she really talks like that -- mohm, and all that. She has this constantly repellent voice. The sad part is, she's privleged, rich, and actually pretty, but the only thing people want to do when they meet her is punch her. Her dad wants her to be "his lawyer or to take over his business or something", but she's going to have to change her manner of speech first. Can you imagine her talking in front of a judge and jury with that voice? Yikes.

4) Episode IV, by Hart's dad and some kid whose name escapes me...oh, it's Hart.

Second to Jacqui's mom, the one with the worst reaction to the episodes is Hart's dad. Hart thinks his dad is weird when he says stuff like "Where are you on that whole sillicone vs. real issue?" out of the blue. Hart's normal like that. Dad seems embarassed, but unlike a mature person, he doesn't come out and say that. He instead explains away his ridiculous statements with even more ridiculous lies. For example, he was "kidding" about the limo comment ("God forbid that thing go by my house and the neighbor's should see it"). Of course, that makes no sense. He could not have been kidding, because that would mean he was attempting to appear like a pretentious a__ clown on MTV. Why would he do that? He also claims that "people" think that his temper tantrum may have been "staged" for MTV. Again, that would assume that he wants to look insane. Again, why would he do that?

He comes to the brilliant conclusion later that "The more times he sees this he looks like kind of a jerk." Kind of a jerk? And King Kong was kind of a monkey. But that at least is the first baby step towards recovery, and Hart should be very slightly thankful.

In other news, people were late to the party because of the Can Dance (we already knew that) and because they were lost, Hart liked his party the best, and he still wears his collar up like a popular girl in 1985. I guess that's how they roll in...Pennsylvania. Oh, and Ava says he's cute and wants to meet him. Hart had better hope Ava can't find Pennsylvania on a map(which is a good bet, actually), because she would eat him alive. Chomp.

Episode V, by Embarassed Natalie, Cute Sara, and the Will who used to be known as Coby.

This was the most fun, because Sara and Will were constantly ragging on Natalie for her ridiculous statements. Natalie made herself look way less insane by being embarassed and able to put things into some perspective. Will's even more feminine than he was on the episode, and watching this marathon was worth it just to see his reaction to learning what MILF stands for. Sara's still cute even though she says "blang blang"*. Natalie complains that way too much was made of her kicking people out, since she said she didn't after that 2-minute search for the girl MTV highlighted (Will and Sara did, though). She spent much of the episode being embarassed and doing damage control, which was perfectly appropriate.

Also, they all hate Angel, the girl who made fun of Sara's jewelry. Blang blang that.

Episode VI, by Still Diva Sierra and her Mean Mom.

All you need to know is that these two have not changed a bit -- mom stil looks like her sister and is wearing those loony foot-wide hoop earrings, and Sierra is still doing her diva bit. At least it better be a bit, because if it's not, Ava has some competition. Sierra seems funny and creative, and insane only for MTV entertainment purposes -- that's the vibe I get, anyway.

The funniest moment of her commentary is when she saw the oversized glasses she was wearing when handing out Krunk Cakes and said, "Those glasses look huge on me". Those glasses would look huge on Ted Kennedy, and his head is expanding at an alarming rate. At the end, she gets out her tiara and puts it on, and tries to look all serious and regal. What a goofball.

So that's it. Stay tuned for my End-of-Season Awards.

* And to Sara's credit, she actually makes that line kind of work, because she's so cute.