This is Epth Nation

Epth is a state of mind, not a place. Reading this will give you a virtual drivers license in that state, but you'll still need to be 21 to purchase alcohol. And you can't get any there anyway, so stop asking.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Blessed are Those Who Mourn...

...for they will be comforted. To mourn is to love, and to love is to mourn.

We Papes are mourning my niece Alyssa, who passed away on Thursday evening. I probably won't blog much until the middle of next week, since we are flying up for the funeral. It's a sad, sad, sad day here, but we do not mourn like those who have no hope.

She was loved, and she will be missed terribly.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

This is the chipmunk cloud I promised. And people say there is no God.
Pictures by Crapipics

This is a great dog sleeping on an Atlas. I think between the heat, humidity, unfamiliar places, thunderstorms, and drunk people yelling at 4am, she got about an hour of sleep total over those 4 days.
Pictures by Crapipics

That, my friends, is exactly what it looks like. It's a Willy Wonka-esqe fountain of chocolate. Though if it were his fountain, it would undoubtedly have miniaturized children swimming in it.
Pictures by Crapipics

This makes me laugh.
Pictures by Crapipics

Here are some pics from the wedding. Note the hot blonde in the background, as well as Greg Weinberg's clearly bored fiance'. I really like the pic, though.
Pictures by Crapipics

Laptop Chaos Theory

I stay away from discussing my real job here in Dallas, in fear that I will be discovered by Nazis high up in the organization and Made An Example Of. There's really not much I would say about it anyway, but today is different. Today this job is affecting my blogging. You see, we have laptop chaos going on. No, it has nothing to do with Dr. Chaos. Laptop chaos occurs when we get a bunch of laptops into service that Mike has to send various places. It's like, we get none for like 2 weeks and then BAM, we get 3 Compaq laptops, an Apple iSomething-or-other, a couple of beastly HP desktops (beastly to send, that is -- as you might imagine), and 3 "reworks", which is a nice way of saying the people we sent the laptop off to messed up and have to try again. Reworks are hell. Not only is the customer mad and spraying their displaced anger at us, I have to call the depot, explain to them what happened without making the rep feel too guilty, and get authorization to send it back. Normally I just go online to get authorization.

So, I'll try to blog more today, but I don't know if that'll happen. I've got quite a backlog of potential topics since I was gone last weekend and have all this work to do now. I've planned out two big posts, in fact. We'll see how it goes.

I'm off to call the depot. Uggh.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Best Line from the Tick

I watched the first disk of The Tick DVD today -- it's the short-lived live-action adaption starring the inspiredly cast Puddy as The Tick. While watching episode 3, I was reminded of the best line of the entire series:

Bat Manuel: That's poetic justice.
Arthur: Is there any other kind?
The Tick: Puppet show justice.

It comes totally out of the blue, and cracks me up every time. I'm not exactly sure I even fully understand it, but it sure is funny.

News for Wednesday, 6/15/05

The Michael Jackson verdict came down while I was at the last BP gas station before you reach Dallas, the one in Joplin, MO. That's about 340 miles from Dallas, btw. I don't know why BP/Amoco can't make it in Oklahoma or Texas, but it pains me because I like to use my gas card on trips, and BP/Amoco is the one I have. Needless to say, that worked much better when I lived in Rockford, IL. Anyway, he was found not guilty, but some people seem to think that this will "kill his career". I say his career already was dead except for his hardcore/blind fans, who will probably buy more of whatever he puts out now that Michael has gone through such a "terrible ordeal". This trial will change nothing. Less people will send their kids to sleep with him, but other than that, the Michael Jackson song remains the same.

Sometimes you run across a wire story that has to be a joke:

DUNBAR, W.Va. (AP) -- Larry Gaynor and his brother had to cut their latest fishing trip short after a black bear ate their food and guzzled their beer. Gaynor, 67, and his brother, Billy Bob Gaynor, 53, were camping at Summit Lake near Richwood on Friday when the bear wandered into their campsite at about 9 p.m.

Hearing a noise, they looked outside their tent and saw the bear with its mouth clamped on their cooler. Larry Gaynor said the bear dragged the cooler 30 yards into the woods and flung it against a tree, scattering a case of Coors Light.

"He only drank three cans," Larry he said. "He would've drank all of them if it would've been Budweiser."

Billy Bob Gaynor said the bear ate all of their food so they returned to Dunbar the next day.

"Either relocate them or let me eat them," he said.

There is no hickier state in America than West Virginia. It makes you wonder what else was in that cooler -- some moonshine, perhaps? And is this guy on the Budweiser payroll? The whole thing sounds like an ad for Bud, actually.

Just so everyone knows, I'm also available "for assignment", and I'm not even a douchebag like Sean Penn. Why does the San Francisco chronicle keep sending this lunatic into Middle Eastern countries? Do they think his stories on Iraq were insightful? Did they see his total toolishness at the Oscars last year? I'm sure he'll be able to do some good, though, by pointing out that chants of "Death to America" significantly reduce the chances that a dialogue can be started between the US and Iran. At least he's an equal-opportunity self-righteous boor, telling not only Americans but now people in Iran what to think. And we thought he just hated America.

Here's the thing: the Death Islamic leaders in Iran have a tenuous grip on power -- they need to demonize the US in order to control their citizens. Without the fear of the Great Satan, the people's hate will be directed toward them. They know this, and have been the enemy of the US for years because of it. So Sean Penn telling them that chanting "Death to America" hurts dialogue between the two countries totally misses the point. They don't want dialogue with us because we're evil. We're beyond hope. We, and capitalistic democracy, are their devil.

All this free sex you Americans are having has given us the gift of one million HIV-positive people walkin' around. Hey, you never know -- I might have HIV/AIDS. When did AIDS become HIV/AIDS? All I know is, whenever Bono says HIV/AIDS, an angel contracts the disease. But seriously, this disease is a big problem and we need to deal with it by not having sex with people we don't know. African AIDS is a bigger problem, and we need a bigger solution. Epth Nation supports all global AIDS efforts. Seriously. And we need to come up with a less bulky name for it than HIV/AIDS. How about "HA"? Or "HAIDS"? Or "HADES"? Or "SEAN PENN"? Can't you just see it -- "There have been 8 million more cases of Sean Penn in Uganda this month, and we don't know how much more of this Sean Penn we can stand."

There are 16 suspects being held in Spain on charges that they were planning to go to Iraq and blow themselves up for the goal of Lack of Freedom. What's clear now is that Islamists of the world are uniting, and Iraq has given them a one-way travel destination. The free world must unite as well, and stop bickering over, well, whatever France is saying right now. When the free world unites, the Number of the Beast will be insta-tatooed on the forehead of all those rubes and then we'll all die. Isn't that great? I don't think the Bible really says that.

This just in: Sucking smoke into your body is bad for you. And I thought those reports were just leftist propaganda from the American Lung Association.

To get some more cash and to be closer to his girlfriend, Phil Jackson has decided to come back and coach the hapless Lakers some more. Remember last year when Phil released a book that ripped Kobe for his selfishness and immaturity? Well, forget all that, apparently. As for his chances of success this time, he's aiming low:

"It is not about a tenth championship. It is about coming back here and rebuilding a team which is competitive," he told reporters, saying it would be "a real challenge" to make the playoffs given the strength of the NBA's Western Conference.
At least the man is realistic. Maybe the Lakers will trade Kobe and try to build a Detroit-like team of talented spares. Time will tell, as it always does.

Speaking of time, a dude named Peter Lynds has taken Zeno's paradox and solved it using the idea that nothing in motion is ever at a specfic place at a specific time. What, that sentence didn't make sense to you? Well, this website will make even less sense.

Ok, work is calling. More news later, if the gloved one gets acquitted again or something.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Vacation Over: Here's What I Wrote in the Car

(I wrote this in the car on my way up to Rockford, IL, for the wedding of Mr. and Mrs. A):

I’m sitting here with this laptop in my very lap thinking about what a great life I have that I live in an age when people can whip out little computers and use them to type things while they’re barreling through the flats of Illinois at 73mph[1]. I have traveled for a total of 13 hours and 47 minutes today, and have seen all different kinds of clouds. I’ve seen big poofy clouds, light wispy translucent clouds, dark clouds, rain-carrying clouds, clouds that looked like chipmunks (I'll upload a pic later), and small gray clouds sitting in sharp relief from the big white clouds behind them. Do you realize that the things we Americans call “clouds” are just the reflection of light off of tiny water droplets floating in the air? Isn’t that cool? You should contemplate clouds more.

The sky is painted with lighted pastels, pinks and beiges in back and blue/gray clouds in front. We used to call this dusk back in the day. It really is pretty. This is about the time we could anticipate starting a rousing Friday-night game of “kick the can” back when I was 11. Any earlier than dusk and people were still too easy to see.

I’d say that about 98% of radio talk shows are completely worthless, and by that I mean: they add nothing to the substance of debates in this country, they aren’t funny in the least, and they only exist to get the accursed “talking points” out on some side of some subject. How come there are no moderates or centrists out there with talk shows? Decent shows I heard in my 14 hours today include The Musers on The Ticket (of course), Laura Ingraham (who is funny), and the son of this guy from my church who does a radio show for the LCMS radio station in St. Louis. Indecent shows include everyone else.

When I get to my destination, I will be expected to eat. By that time it’ll be after 9pm. That’s gonna keep me up tonight. I hope that house doesn’t have thin walls, because I will be rattling some winners off them, let me tell you.

Just passed an exit for “Earlville”. Suppose everyone in that town is named Earl? I knew a guy named Earl once…he was like 19 years old and had a full beard. This was 1993, when that type of behavior was considered weird. Great guy, though.

The most popular talk show subjects for the day: The missing hot girl in Aruba; The Michael Jackson non-verdict (focusing on his freakishness – can we get over the fact that he’s white-skinned already? We know he's not black anymore); Howard Dean calling Republicans the party of “Christian White Guys”; Ron Kittle calling out Barry Bonds for not signing charity autographs; The Spurs’ Game One victory over the Pistons last night; weed.

Also, Glenn Beck seemed to be obsessed with the Ring Tone Frog song that’s #1 in England right now. He went so insane about it that he let his buddy Denny take the last half-hour of the show.

We’re at interstate 88. Getting very close to Rockford. You can kinda smell it from here.

Stopped at a “Kum & Go” for a bathroom break today. Best name of a convenience-based business since Hot & Now. May even be better.

[1] Unconfirmed. If pressed, the parties involved will swear they were barreling at 65.