Good News and Bad News

Hey everybody, I know you come to me for news, so I feel obligated to report that the US and France have come to an agreement about a cease-fire in the Middle East. Getting these two giants to put aside their differences was a near-impossible task, and kudos to the UN for making such a moment possible.

Wait...my sources are telling me that it's actually Israel and Hezbollah that are fighting, so the UN agreement is worthless and quite frankly puzzling. Doesn't the UN ever get tired of broadcasting their irrelevance to the world? Their logo should include a nude emperor.

My wife is listening to Corinna Bailey Ray right now, and she is telling all you girls to go ahead and let your hair down. It's 101 degrees here today, Corinna -- you crazy?

I'll close this with some youtube links. I don't embed them because, well, it's too much work. That should tell you exactly how lazy I am -- too lazy to cut-and-paste some code.

For the onset of NFL football, here's a great moment from days (unfortunately) gone by.

What if I told you there was once a pilot for a TV show that starred Jack Black, Owen Wilson and Ron Silver? What if I also told you that it was produced by Ben Stiller? What if I told you it was never picked up? What if I told you it was about a former astronaut(Black) and his talking motorcycle (Wilson) on the run from psychotic NASA operative (Silver, as himself)? Would you be interested? Well, here's the entire 30-minute pilot episode of Heat Vision and Jack, if you've got the time. It has its moments.

(The only reason I'm aware of this is my friend Glenn's knowledge of one Rob Schrab, who co-wrote Heat Vision and Jack. The reason this is important? Mr. Schrab finally got a project through hollywood -- it's called Monster House, and it's in theaters right now. I'm not sure, but I think I remember Glenn saying that Rob Schrab was a big fat jerk. Take all of this any way you want, because I'm informatively rambling.)

Hours of fun can be spent watching this one-minute bad idea from the Dallas Mavericks promo dept: The Avery Bunch. You have to watch the individual players and where they're looking. It cracks me up every time.

Finally, another thing that never fails to crack me up, from KTCK the Ticket in Dallas. A guy named Alexi decided he was going to fill in for their one-minute "Ticket Ticker" segment and realizes it's harder than it seems. Audio File.

I've Got Some Questions For You

Why do girls like shiny things so much? If they liked them even a little bit less, they would be a lot less expensive, and they could buy (or be bought) more of them. It's simple economics. Can't all you gals get together and take a break from worshipping jewelry for a couple of months, for the greater good? I promise there will be many more baubles on the other side...

Wait...you're right, trying to get rich teenagers to postpone any gratification is like trying to get Terrell Owens to admit any wrongdoing. Forget it. The jewelers have won this round. Maybe the next generation of girls will be less rigid in their materialism.

Of course you know I'm not referring to you, my female readership. I love you guys. Girls. Women. Stateswomen.

Why is there a dead bug on this glass desk? At least it's dead, but it's still a bad sign.

Why did thieves steal six urine samples from a Waukesha lab? As a follow-up question, why does the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel feel the need to come up with headlines like this? Ok, so it's kinda funny. But still, this is a serious daily newspaper, not the New York Post.

In this day and age of $3.00-a-gallon gas, how do kids still have the money to "cruise?" A new Culver's Frozen Custard on Hwy 100 on the South Side (pronounced "sout sieeede") of Milwaukee decided to drum up business by having a "Muscle Car Show," whatever that is. Well, people started showing up with their overblown muscle cars, and before the police knew it people were "cruising" up and down that stretch of Hwy 100 like they did when I was 12. Police hate cruising because they hate any gathering of people that doesn't have a real purpose. Ok, maybe they just hate any gathering of people. Culver's lost control of it, and now pandora's box of pointless cruising has been opened. Mmm...frozen custard.

Is Reggie White the greatest defensive football player of all time? Yes, but I'm biased because he came to my little college in Wisconsin and spoke once, telling us that Jesus was the only way to reconcile the races in America. I think there's a lot of wisdom in that statement. I'm sure I've gone into probably too much depth (that's "epth" with a "d") in the past about Reggie White and my conflicted view of him. On this day of his posthumous induction into the Pro Football Hall of Fame, I'll just celebrate his on-the-field superhuman-ness, and thank him for bringing several players and an NFL championship back where it belongs. I mean Green Bay, you ninny.

If it's 90 degrees outside, why does it feel like 105 already?
Ed. note: Epth Nation is angry -- ANGRY -- with Mr. Mel Gibson and his irresponsible behavior, and will not be asking any questions about him until this whole thing cools down. Normally, Epth Nation would be all over a story of celebrity worship and woe, but we actually like(d) Mr. Gibson. Nothing like letting your personal failings inject themselves into the "debate" on whether or not real Christianity is anti-semitic, and this when the Israelis are warring against our mortal enemies. Grr...

I wrote this on Jan. 8, 1981.

The Young Deer that were Saved by Sashacaput

Hunters are shooting the deer in Oklahoma. One fawn was getting revenge. Sashacaput was his name.

Sashacaput saved many deer by pushing hunters. Once he saved himself by outrunning a tiger. This year he was named "deer warden" by the deer.

Sashacaput had once in a day pushed all the hunters into the bushes.

The next day the first time he got outside he was almost shot. He fought for his life. Sashacaput pushed all the hunters except one. He destroyed that one.

That's how the deer in Oklahoma got freedom. So get away from Sashacaput because you'll find yourself in the bushes if you don't.

The End.

(I was 8 years old and in 3rd grade when I wrote this story. It kinda sounds like something Napoleon Dynamite would come up with. It's probably still the highlight of my writing career, and it probably tells you way more than you need to know about young Mike and what was on his mind. I think it would make a good movie, don't you? Call me.)

note: This story has been modified from its original version. "Destroyed" was underlined, not bolded.

Addendum to last post.

I forgot the best part of the MLM/Gas cap situation. As she's giving me her insane sales pitch, her phone rings. She picks it up, puts it to her ear, then hangs up. I thought, "Hmm...how strange." About a minute later the phone rings again, and she lets the machine pick it up. I hear a woman's voice say, "____, this can't be solved by you hanging up all the time, now..." before she cut off the machine. Maybe it was a disgruntled MLM or gas cap scam-ee.

This is not one of the 4 posts, by the way.

Gas Caps and MLM and You

I just got done with a computer job for this 50-60-year-old woman in hair curlers. After I finished, she stopped me and gave me one of her cards. Apparently, she sells "gas caps" (gas extension pills you pop into your tank when filling up) to make extra money. She claimed to be saving $7-$9 on a tank of gas while using these caps despite the mounting evidence that they are completely ineffective. Then she tells me that if I sign up to sell these things, and sign up two people, I get a cut of their sales, too, and the sales of the people they sign up, and so on. So not only is it a scam on the consumer, it's a pyramid scheme for the seller as well. Oh, the crazy ways people are separated from their money. I just could not believe it was Multi-Level Marketing. Doesn't everybody know that MLM is illegal and doomed? I was surprised she didn't have a large sum of cash tied up in Nigeria as well.

4 more posts coming in the next 4 days. Believe it.

Piers Anthony is Totally Rolling over in his Living Grave Right Now

Because of this show.

On a pale horse, anyone?

He better be getting some cash for this, is all I'm saying. Not that he needs any more.