This is Epth Nation

Epth is a state of mind, not a place. Reading this will give you a virtual drivers license in that state, but you'll still need to be 21 to purchase alcohol. And you can't get any there anyway, so stop asking.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Really Really Super Quick Hits

I've never seen two people less comfortable in their own faces than Greta Van Susternenenen and Bill "Feel Your Pain" Clinton. Bill's talking about the whole Pope thing right now..."I don't approve of what His Holiness said..." Parsing that single sentence would make my brain fold in on itself. If he's holy, how can you not approve of what he said? This guy was a Rhodes scholar?

The Pope can't apologize -- he's infallible (according to Catholicism, that is). Don't the Muslims know that? I especially like it when people say things like, "The Pope shouldn't be inflaming religious tensions, and if he doesn't step down you will all be sorry." It's so...Schwarzenegger movie.

Speaking of the world, did you guys know that the crazy Palestinian Hamas government pretty much decided to recognize Israel as having a right to exist? To, like, negotiate with and stuff? At least that's what I hear. Looks like those sanctions worked. Probably won't stop the car- and other-kinds-of-bombs, though.

A couple of nights ago I delivered a 10 pizza order to UTD, the ultra-rich and poorly-named University in Richardson. The lady who signed the slip tipped me three bucks, then crossed out "tip" on the charge slip and wrote "delivery" right next to it in her old-woman scrawl. What does that mean? She didn't want to tip me but felt she had to give me money? Was that an insult? Yes, it was a delivery, but why did you cross out "tip" and then give me a tip? And is 3 dollars really enough to give a guy who delivered you 10 pizzas at 12 bucks a pop? That's 2.5%, by my estimation. On second thought, you were right -- that's not a tip at all. That's a delivery, and nothing else.

Yeah, so gas prices, eh? Thanks to all the hurricanes out there for not hitting us, and to Israel for backing out of Lebanon, and to Alaska for getting their pipe together, and to America for not buying the gas-guzzling products of Ford.

Both volumes of Kill Bill are on cable TV tonight. I just watched the Umabomber kill like 80 asians. I can't believe they're showing this on TV. There's blood and limbs everywhere.

Actual lead story on Channel 8 (ABC) local news: What's Going Around -- What sickness has your kids coughing? It better be cholera.

"Fossil Hunters" have found what they're calling the "oldest baby." She apparently walked upright but also swung from trees over 3 million years ago. Wow -- just like me! Probably, that is. There's always the probably. I'm assuming they have a good reason to make all these statements. What they've found is a skull...they're claiming this animal walked upright. In any case, it's an interesting case in what science is doing and what conclusions they're jumping to. Go science!

I had a dream the other night that my dog could exist in several different places at once. She also had a human form she could turn into, an Indian boy. When I asked him/her if he/she could talk to dogs, he/she shrugged his/her shoulders. I don't know what this means.

Also on the news: Starbucks prices are rising! Geez, I know Starbucks is ubiquitous, but come on. This is news? Oh my gosh -- it's going up a nickel! Papa John's goes up that much every three days and doesn't tell anyone!

Caught the end of Survivor: Racism Island tonight. Saying anything more would get me in trouble, so I'll run something past legal and maybe post it tomorrow. Such is life in 2006. Hey, don't blame me, you were the one born in this day and age.

Good night.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Unbelieveable Level of Sorriness

(Don't let those freckles fool you -- Her new recipe is keeping the Mexican down)

Found in this post on the increasingly essential (to those of us who live in Dallas, that is) Dallas Observer Unfair Park Blog. It seems that 75 to 95 Mexican workers at the stupid Cafe' Express here in Dallas were told that if they worked there for 5 years, they would be US Citizens after that. This is sorry for the following reasons:

1) Cafe Express told them a Houston Law Firm had filed the paperwork for their US citizenship.

2) The law firm filed the paperwork late, and every single request was rejected.

3) Cafe' Express and the law firm knew this, but didn't tell the Mexicans. For five years.

4) Cafe' Express sent them letters implying that he paperwork had been filed and the plan was on schedule.

5) Cafe' Express threatened them, saying that if they quit working there, their immigration papers would be thrown out.

6) Cafe' Express took $25 out of each one of their paychecks to cover the cost of the immigration process. For five years.

Now the 75 to 95 Mexicans have filed a lawsuit against these evil people, risking deportation. They already have a 10-year wait to get back into the immigration program. I hope Cafe' Express and their parent company, Wendy's, is made to pay for their crimes. The worst part? Cafe' Express started this evil plan while Dave Thomas was still alive. I don't think the real Wendy would have approved, do you?

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

The Way You Make Me Feel

When I started this blog, I had no idea it would become such a high priority in my mind. Right now, it feels like I'm totally failing at it, and that's totally gnawing at me. Here are the things I've promised (myself) but not delivered:
Even Dwarves Started Small recap
NFL Football thoughts (I did no preview this year.)
Holy crap State of the Bucks address (now with the original colors!)
How refereeing is bringing me to a state of crisis w/r/t sports.
Popes vs. Muslims
An object lesson in why I don't talk about homosexuality or gay marriage.
Papa John's "eastasia-eurasia" relationship with customer service and labor costs.
My impending departure from Papa John's
Two words: Fantasy football.
More things every Dallasite must do.
Time Warner and how their merger with Comcast is jammin' me.
Countless comments on countless reality TV shows.
How the great radio station KTCK in Dallas is in real danger of losing what makes it special.
On Microcenter. (Or is it Micro Center? I don't know anymore...)

The 20 people who check this thing are being gypped, and my fear is that I've already lost all the gains I was making over the past year. Here's the problem: I have no time to do this properly. I don't even have time to do it improperly. Part of my bit is that I write about stuff nobody is interested in -- it's why I turn a review of a Sufjan Stevens concert into a manifesto on his Christianity, and it's also why I can't become a real blogger with a national following and a stretch humvee. I can't turn this blog into solely a promotional tool, can I? I wouldn't, don't worry. But what will become of me?

For Pete's sake, I'm writing this in my car in between deliveries on a slow night. Does that sound healthy to you? Is this what Papa John had in mind when he started this company?

If it sounds like I'm complaining, you have good ears. I have so much to write, and not just here; Can you wait for the good stuff? Can I afford to wait to deliver it? Should I stay up until 3am, rambling drunkenly on the state of the Big Ten? Will I get the dreaded "Blackberry thumb"?

Just stay tuned, will ya?

Monday, September 18, 2006

Meet Kyle Coleman

Tonight's tipping test will be taken by Mr. Coleman, who decided to live in the furthest corner of our delivery area and order a pizza at 10pm. Not only that, he also put a 0 dollar tip on his credit card. Is he intending to give me any cash? I intend to find out!

(Scroll down for result)

You're not going to believe this, but Kyle Coleman is actually a girl. More specifically, she is a girl who just tipped me 3 bucks. It looked bad for a minute there as Mr/Mrs Coleman signed the slip with no cash in sight. But she told me to wait a second and 3 bucks materialized in my greedy hands, thus making this delivery marginally worth it. Thanks, Coleman.

Also, the 9-0 football score I saw on TV assures me of a 2-0 week in fantasy football, that is unless Hines Ward had like 500 receiving yards.

All things go, eh?