In Response: Dear Abby, Part II

(The first "Dear Abby" letter I responded to got such a good reception, I decided to do another one. This may become a recurring feature! I need more of those to give your life some structure.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Sybil," had a close friend, "Maxine," who recently offended her. Now she prefers to avoid the woman altogether.

Maxine's husband and I play golf together, and Sybil feels that I am wrong to continue a relationship with him. I disagree; first, because in time my wife's wounds may heal and her relationship with Maxine may resume. Also, I have never dictated who Sybil should or should not befriend, and I feel the reverse should also be true.

Who's right here? You decide! -- "SWINGER" IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SWINGER,

Why did you fake name that poor woman "Maxine"? Any names that rhyme with Bactine should be discontinued as of 10/05/05. That was yesterday, idiot. And while we're on the subject, why did you give your wife the same fake name as that insane girl from that one movie? Are you trying to bias me against her by saying she's nuts? If so, you should have just started your letter: My wife, "Crack Whore," had a close friend, "Antiseptic" etc.

Now to your question. There's some information that you seem to be leaving out. First of all, what did "Bactine" do to your wife? If it's something like "Bactine" didn't send her a thank-you note for that crock pot she bought her, it's time to look into committing your wife, because girl is crazy. This is one thing I don't understand about women -- why they insist on shutting people out of their lives instead of dealing with them like a man. If they want "equal work for equal pay", then they should be forced to also practice "equal not-being-a-b___." Put the claws away, ladies -- you're only hurting yourselves.

However, "Swinger," if the thing Bactine did was, say, try to seduce you at her husband's suggestion, your wife might have a point. I find it odd that you would name yourself "Swinger." Is this what happened? Is this the detail that you're leaving out, that Bactine used her antiseptic wiles to get you to cheat on your poor non-swinging wife? That the very man you're out there golfing with suggested the idea to Bactine as a way to "spice things up"? If it is, Dear Abby can't get on board with that.

But assuming that isn't the case, have you considered that your wife might just be having her "monthly reparitions," and that in a week or so Bactine will be back in her good graces? Try to wait it out, even though (and maybe because) your wife is an unholy she-beast. Tell your wife she has 14 days to fix this. Explain to the guy what you're doing, so he doesn't think you're avoiding him for real. If Crack Whore and Bactine haven't made up by then, call your buddy up and say, "Screw this crap, let's go golfing!" If you're wife protests, inform her that she might be a chick, but you certainly are not. Then drop your pants to prove that point, and start singing the Pink Floyd song "Us and Them." That will make her mad, and she'll stop talking to you.

And isn't that what you really wanted anyway?

Super Dave Osborne on AD

Nobody told me Super Dave was going to be on Arrested Development! He's awesome! Why didn't I know this? I knew about Scott Baio, who was very good, and Charlize Theron, who had a better accent this week, but not about this! I remember his appearances on Letterman back in the late 80's -- he was so funny, especially when he would stare down the audience. What a great bit. It's something you really have to see to understand. Man, it was great to see him again. Man, that show is funny. Why aren't more of you watching it?

News For You -- Oct. 5

It's Halloween season again, and this means that when you see me, I'll probably be contemplating jamming a spork into my eye. Yes, I hate Halloween and everything about it (the celebration of evil, the bad horror movies, the dead leaves, the getting scared, the way the word is pronounced), so I can't wait for this month to be over, especially since baseball let the Yankees into the playoffs, where they promptly took a 1-0 lead on the hapless The The Angels Angels (The Los Angeles Angels in spainish). Baseball doesn't want me, I guess. I don't want them, either. That's all I have to say about that. And Halloween.

There were a pair of NBA Trades yesterday that I probably shouldn't comment on but I will anyway. In the first and most important one, the Bulls sent highly overrated and possibly doomed center Eddy Curry to the Knicks for former Buck Tim (TT) Thomas, Mike Sweeney, and a random Jackson. This trade looks at first to be a steal for the Knicks, but we must remember that the Knicks are dumb, and therefore look closer. The Bulls aren't dumb. What's going on here?

The Bulls are clearing cap space first and foremost. Thomas and Sweetney go off the cap at the end of the year, and by getting rid of Curry they also don't have to pay him any money. I personally think that Curry is in the Derrick Coleman/Vin Baker mold, a fantastic post player who gets a lot of stats and doesn't make your team any better. And he's not even as good as Coleman or Baker was. The good thing for the Knicks is they have Larry Brown, who should be able to get him to play hard most nights. This trade is befuddling me. I don't know what it all means.

The Bulls also get a little depth and flexibility, and maybe could trade Thomas or Sweetney down the road for an actual good player if they need one and somebody else needs cap room.

In another trade, former Buck Rafer (the Wafer) Alston was traded to Houston for former Buck Mike (Mad Dog) James. Just when you think Houston's doing all the right things, they go ahead and trade a good guy for one that's insane. Make no mistake about it -- Rafer's as nuts as Ron Artest, and he doesn't have the immense talent that Artest has to make up for it. And is Rafer really a better player than Mike James, even when he is taking his meds? Really? Did Houston watch any Toronto games last year? Did they see how little 'D' Rafer played? This trade also befuddles me. Just when I'm ready to hand the #2 spot in the West to Houston, they go and get a player who could bring it all crashing down around them.

Man, there's no news that's interesting at all today. Some science guy, possibly but probably not Bill Nye, says there will be at least one more badd Atlantic hurricane in October. Badd is spelled that way on purpose, btw. Like Color Me Badd, the founders of metrosexuality.

This story could be worse.

Nothing else is going on. I'm sorry about that.

I've Got Good News and Bad News

First, the bad news. New Milwaukee Bucks forward/guard Bobby Simmons has been accused of "fondling and hitting" a woman in his car after they got out of a nightclub. No charges have been filed, and the police handed the case over to the DA. Simmons is saying he is innocent, but that's a heck of a way to start training camp, especially for a guy who by all accounts was the feel-good story of the league last year.

To counter that news, the Bucks' Michael Redd bought his dad a church. Now that's cool.

Devotion Book and Packer Talk

Though I'm not exactly sure why, I've decided that the first book I try to publish (or self-publish) will be a devotional book. I don't really know how long it's going to take, nor do I know exactly what form it will be in or how long it will be. All I know is there's a gap in the devotionals I've seen -- they are mostly very standard, boring, and sometimes insightful. I want people to look forward to doing devotions every day. I want it to be exciting. That's my mission, and I'll let you know how it goes. Maybe I'll find writing devotions to be an extremely difficult and time-consuming process, in which case I'll need a new job so I can get it done. I'm really tired of thinking about a new job. Anyway, that's where I'm going.

I also plan on using the NaNoWriMo month of November to finish the first part of the novel I wrote last year. It's sprawling, inconsistent, and fun. I can't wait.

Now on to the important stuff: The Packers. I saw the second half of the game last night after work and noticed that they do indeed stink. All this talk about Favre being old is misplaced, though -- he's not the problem with this team. Here are the problems, as I see them:
1) The defense has no talent. They can't generate a pass rush or cover people without holding them, which is a suicidal combination. Their linebackers aren't good enough to make up for it, either. They need an infusion of talent on the "D" to make Favre's job easier, so he doesn't have to come from behind every week. Sure glad we got rid of Hannibal Navies and replaced him with a guy named Paris.
2) The offense is injured, so they don't have much talent left. Antonio Chatman is not a real NFL player, and he's the third receiver. Without Green, Franks, Flanagan, Clifton, Walker etc. they're asking Brett to win with a bunch of backups and borderline guys they just signed last week. Poor Brett.
3) They have no big-play guys on special teams, either. I hate the idea of Najeh "Poopy" Davenport, kick returner. He just runs 20 yards and falls over when somebody hits him. They need a dude with speed back there, and not one that stinks like Chatman.

That pretty much covers it. Our only hope is that they use this season to go 1-15 and get the first pick in next year's draft and pick the real QB of the future, Matt "I dated Kristen from Laguna Beach" Lineart. Then they can trade Aaron Rogers for a defense. Or maybe that's just wishful thinking.

1-15!

Loose Ends from Last Week

Yeah, the Alias Season 5 premiere happened last Thursday. What are they doing? (warning: do not read the next sentence if you don't watch Alias. It will just confuse and frustrate you.)
Even if Vaughn is just faking his own death -- making people think he's dead just to have a plot for season 5 is too much. They've gone too far. Zombie Nadia was bad enough (where was she in this episode, btw?), now we have to deal with the killing off of a major character in an insane way. And what was with that guy fooling APO into thinking he's investigating them when he's really a bad guy? Is APO now part of FEMA? So many holes in the plot. Plus, I remain skeptical of Jen Garner's pregnant belly w/r/t the look and feel of the show. Vaughn's dead, Sydney might as well be dead, and they've just recycled the first plot they ever had (Syd has to get revenge for the death of her fiance'). The show is dying a fast death, and needs something to slap it back to the land of the living.

And "Project 5"? I like how every week something huge is mentioned that every character knows about but we as the audience is just learning about now. Plus, it's a stupid name, up there with "The Covenant" and "The Man" in the Pantheon of Stupid Alias Names for Things.

I'm tired of My Super Sweet Sixteen, which is very unfortunate. I still like it, it's just that it's hard to recap the same thing every week (well, not hard exactly -- more like dull). Every one of these kids is a "diva" who "does whatever they want" and "can't be told what to do" and is having the "greatest party ever." Barf. They should stick with 6 episodes a season, because we're up to like 9 this year and a couple of them just didn't need to exist.

The Real World, having lost my attention like it always does because of its drunken tomfoolery, got me back again temporarily because of my penchant for watching human suffering. It's abundantly clear that none of these people (save maybe the short-haired pale girl) will ever be happy or emotionally healthy. They're just lying to each other and when they watch it later I hope that some of them do the right thing and never have anything to do with MTV ever again. But that's probably not going to happen.

Arrested Development was funny again, and featured the welcome return of Dave Thomas to TV. It's about time. Charlize Theron can't do a British accent, though, which is surprising. Unless she's not actually British. Hmm.

The Office is pretty funny these days, too -- Jim's still doing a pretty effective Martin Freeman impression, Pam's showing some life after all, and many of the ancillary characters have been really good. I liked Toby the H.R. guy, and the Indian girl who won the "Spicy Curry" award. Michael Scott will never be David Brent though, and Dwight is sort of boring so far this season. The problem is one of comparision -- this will never be The Office. For every episode, there is a corresponding, and better, episode of the original show. I'm glad they finally brought their Chris Finch on board, though. I was wondering when he was going to show up.

I watch wayyyy to much TV for somebody who's never home.

This is my dog, as captured by my new digital camera. It really brings out the detail in the fur. This is Allie's indifferent look. At least her ears are up. My wife said today that Allie looks like an elf.
Pictures by Crapipics

A Tale of Two Trees: Behind the ugly American are the two trees of my parents house. The one on the left was planted by the city when I was a kid to give the street a "canopy." Wauwatosa did this for every street back then. The pine tree on the right is a relatively new addition. When I was growing up there was a mountain ash tree there with some little orange berries on it. Those berries were fun because a) we could whip them at each other and b) robins would eat a ton of them, fill their bellies, and stumble away unable to fly. This was our entertainment, because my parents refused to (and to this day still refuse to) get cable.
Pictures by Crapipics

This is the great Miller Park. Note the closed roof -- something I have never seen at a Brewers game before. I love this stadium. It makes Country Stadium look like a pile of puke. Also of note are all the people wearing red -- fair-weather Cardinals fans, arrgh.
Pictures by Crapipics

This is me with some awesome sunglasses I found in my dad's car. They really block ou the sun from all sides, let me tell you.
Pictures by Crapipics