This is Epth Nation

Epth is a state of mind, not a place. Reading this will give you a virtual drivers license in that state, but you'll still need to be 21 to purchase alcohol. And you can't get any there anyway, so stop asking.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Dirk Nowitski: Guitar Hero?

There's a link at the end of the article to the song in question.

You're welcome.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Mark Cuban Hates Memes

Mark Cuban hates memes, so I'm going to do the one he hates the most. It's pointless, and made moreso by me possibly not telling the truth, but enjoy anyway...

4 jobs I have had.
-- T-ball coach for kids who didn't know how to play
-- writing an "e" on a yellow piece of paper, then turning it over.
-- writing an "e" on a blue piece of paper, then turning it over.
-- Steve Jobs.

4 movies I can watch over and over.
-- American Movie
-- Mulholland Drive
-- Nuns on the Run II: It's Hot in These Habits, and They Absorb the Sun's Rays, and God be Praised.
-- Steve Movies

4 TV Shows I Watch
-- The British Office
-- The American Office
-- Everything opposite Will & Grace
-- That mini-series on PBS about those two Kentucky Kids, one of whom is sweet but a bad guitarist, and the other is an umotivated but smooth-talking school-avoider.

4 places I have been on vacation
-- The Space Needle
-- The Bubble Buffet
-- The "Captain EO Theater" at EPCOT
-- A Canton, OH fireworks display

Take that, world.

It's Like Final Destination For Real

I try very hard to keep this "blog" from becoming one of any number of boring monotonous unoriginal things, such as: A showcase for my flaming conservative and/or liberal political views; An online diary about my fricking feelings; A straight sports, entertainment, or gossip sheet; A rant about Mexicans; A collection of links to content outside this site, most of which require annoying registration to view. Everybody hates those things, especially the last one. As a result of my desire to be unboring, this "blog" is a schizophrenic collection of commentary, storytelling, and the word "Jews." I mention this because I feel like I must apologize in advance for this post, which is about death. Morbid, morbid death. Also, it's really just a collection of a couple links to other,


internet sites. Check it out, smurfy:

Final Destination is real. For those of you without clicking ability or a minimum level of gumption, the link is to a Dallas Morning News story about a flight attendant who was supposed to be on one of those 9/11 death flights, but had a family emergency which saved her life. She just died in a car crash. Just like that girl who was hit by the bus!

We really shouldn't make light of death, but it's hard not to be fascinated by the sense of loss associated with living past one's friends and family. For an up-close look at this, check out the horrible site mydeathspace, which chronicles and links to myspace profiles of people who a) died, or b) killed somebody. You know, it's not like they delete your myspace profile when you die. It turns out that myspace can be a pretty effective catch-all message board for the grieving. Also, the site provides an outlet for sociopathic teens to call the people who died "stupid", much to the consternation of their friends. Mydeathspace might in fact be the ultimate internet site. It sure is fascinating.

To provide a juxtaposition to all this death, I will mention that overrated hostage Jill Carroll was released in Iraq yesterday, to the cheers of the world. I know this because every single morning news program led with the story. No news on all the other hostages out there as of yet, but I'm sure we might get to know their names too, if they're cute white women. Oh, did you hear they might find Natalee Holloway's body in the dunes or Aruba? I know this, too, because she's cute. I hate America.

Well, that probably got me flagged.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

We're Here, We're Mexican, and We're Not Going to Take Whatever it is We're Taking Anymore!

Big news in Dallas today, as hundreds of Mexican schoolchildren stormed Dallas City Hall for the second straight day, ostensibly protesting the Immigration Bill the U.S. House just passed. Before we start, let's crunch some numbers:

10 -- est. percent of Mexican schoolchildren who knew why they were protesting yesterday, i.e., the recently passed House Bill. And I don't mean just "because of immigration" or "because they're going to criminalize Mexicans." Look, we'd all like to think that these children are actively participating in the political process, but we know how these things work. The vast majority of these students were just looking for a way to get out of going to school.

0 -- est. percent chance that the House Bill in question becomes law. The Senate won't pass it, and Bush is even against it. Yet many of the children yesterday were protesting against President Bush. Go figure.

0 -- numerical value equal to the effect these protests will have on legislation in Washington, or even Dallas. Next time, they should probably carry American flags instead of Mexican ones. To the untrained eye, it just looked like the Mexican soccer team beat us again.

People one generation older than me totally romanticize the days of their youth, and so they view protest marches as pretty much the highest form of political discourse. They are the ones (particularly the ones who still hold to their leftist protest ideology) who are out there today calling this "amazing," "inspiring," and "significant." They say that "The big Mexican voting bloq is finally waking up and making their collective voice heard." On the other side are school officials and just about everyone else, and they're saying things like, "We're hoping for a good day of school now that the students had their little adventure." Most observers aren't taking this seriously at all.

Then there's the safety issue -- both the students and the general public are put at risk when unlicensed drivers parade down the street with 6 people on the roof of their Sonata. It's kinda amazing that the only casualty in Dallas yesterday was some girl's hand.

I don't mean to belittle the underlying issue here -- many of these kids have parents for whom the illegal immigration issue is very important indeed -- but I have some suggestions for these students, if they really want their quaint little protest marches to make a difference:

  1. Know what your message is, and make signs and perform chants that get your message across. "Viva Le Mexico" doesn't cut it, and neither does the flag of the country you want the right to escape from.
  2. Speaking of that, carry American flags instead of Mexican ones if you want to affect public policy in the U.S. (Note: Some of the more thoughtful protesters actually did this yesterday, and ended up getting shouted at by their peers. Once again, the majority is always wrong.)
  3. You're at a protest march, not a rock concert -- don't cavort in a fountain or have any other kind of fun. If you want to be heard, you need to be all business.
  4. Have the protest march on a day you're not in school, so that people don't think you're just looking for a way to be legally truant.
  5. Protest when something actually happens, rather than after the House passes a Bill that has no chance to become law. You just look silly.
Immigration is a serious and hotly-debated issue with a bunch of nuances that are liable to get lost in the cracks of American politics if we're not careful. Large-scale, uniformed, and unsafe protests like this are exactly what we don't need. Mass stupidity may be able to affect change in Mexico, but that's precisely why your parents left that country. Think about that.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Weird Papa John's People Udpate

Last August I wrote about the top 8 people I come into contact with working at Papa John's. We here at Epth Nation have some more information about a couple of them that makes them seem even more weird:

4) Underwear Guy -- Our one nice girl driver actually had to deliver to him (a fact that drives me nuts -- I can't believe nobody warned her or stopped her or chvalrously took the delivery for her. What a bunch of pigs I work with) on her very first day of delivering. He answered the door, and quickly hid behind the door and said, "Lady driver. Let me go put some pants on." He disappeared behind the door, and instead of coming back fully clothed, he just sent his wife to the door -- his wife who also wasn't wearing any pants. So Underwear Guy married Underwear Girl, and they just lived happily ever after, I guess. There's gotta be an explanation for this. I was always under the impression that he couldn't wear pants for medical reasons. I don't know, I suppose I just told myself that to feel less uncomfortable about the whole thing. Underwear Girl brings a whole new dimension to the situation though. Is there a whole family of Underwear People? When family comes over, does anybody wear pants? How about a plumber -- will they put on pants for a plumber? I'm boggled by this.

5) Crazy Hair Lady -- At the beginning of the last night's shift I parked my car in front of this insane lady's salon, and as I walked to Papa John's I heard this insane rambling that sounded like, "Hey, good lookin', I'm gonna have your car towed." I turned and saw her toothy insane grin. She later would explain that she was bored, and that the last time she said that to a driver he actually got scared and told her to please don't tow my car, at which point she had to go to the back of the store to keep from cackling out loud at the guy's naivete'. She didn't actually use the word "naivete'." I'm translating here.

I hope to have more insane conversations with these people in the future so that I can relate them to you, my readers.

Oh, and Man Bob Bill (our beloved Area Manager, for those who haven't read my Papa John's posts before, which you really should) decided that we couldn't have a garbage can directly in front of our store. Now, the garbage can is circular, 2 feet in diameter, 3 1/2 feet high or so, and made of cement and stone. I wasn't there for this, but apparently Man Bob Bill had quite the hard time moving the garbage can by himself, so he enlisted the help of one of our shift managers. Together they tilted the stone monstrosity and rolled it about 30 feet and planted it directly in front of "Curves."

The big question I have is, why is Man Bob Bill so concerned with the garbage can? Nobody knows. We theorized that he's tired of our employees smoking in front of the building (a no-no that virtually everyone there does), but let me tell you, moving a garbage can hasn't put a dent in that activity. You'd need to cut off some hands to stop that. And now there's this big dark dirty circular spot in the sidewalk in front of the store -- way less attractive than a garbage can, if you ask me.

And is somebody really going to avoid ordering from Papa John's because of an overflowing garbage can in front of the store? A can that doesn't even belong to Papa John's, but belongs to the strip mall? A can that overflows about once a month, and not that badly?

I think we know who the truly insane guy is...

Finally, Papa John's has a new King Kong-themed pizza that has oversized pepperoni and italian sausage on it. It's totally absurd. It's just the Spicy Italian Pizza with bigger toppings. Comes in a new box that you can throw out, though.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Welcome to the Post-George Mason World

(The only thing that would have made this better is if the afro guy would have gotten to play)

Everything seems brighter for NCAA Men's College Basketball now that Connecticut is gone. They insisted on playing just well enough to win; eventually, that caught up with them. There was nothing to like about this year's Connecticut team -- they had the most talent, but they seemed to think this made the NCAA Championship their birthrite, and were surly/arrogant/joyless most of the time. Maybe that's just their personality, but I didn't like it. I'm so glad I don't have to watch them stink anymore.

In the first round, they came the closest to losing to a #16 seed as any #1 seed had since Georgetown vs. Princeton in the 80's. Then, they let a subpar Kentucky team hang around in round two. In the Sweet Sixteen, they should have lost to the #5 seed, Washington. We'll make that bullet point number one in my NCAA Tourney-related quick hits:
  • Washington should have beaten Connecticut, and would have if not for: A freakish double technical that gave Washington star Brandon Roy (not pronounced "Wah") 4 fouls with 13 minutes to go in the game. He was taken out, and Connecticut erased an 8-point deficit. However, they still would have lost if not for an incredibly stupid foul by the "Hitler Youth" (that one guy on Washington who looks like the white Demolition Man. You know who I'm talkin' about) on Marcus Williams' drive that gave Connecticut enough points to tie the game at the end. Not to mention Washington not really covering the three-point line on the final play. There were so many little things that went UConn's way, it's almost like they were a team of destiny...
  • Of course, they then ran into a real team of destiny in George Mason, who had beaten three good strong teams to get to the regional final. I thought for sure they would mess it up, even though they had been outplaying Connecticut all afternoon. It's such a great story, and I hope it continues. Who's to say that they can't beat Florida, and then UCLA and LSU? That would be amazing.
  • Speaking of amazing, remember back when the pairings were announced and Billy Packer and Jim Nantz were spitting up all sorts of bile about small schools who haven't beaten "anybody" (their words) getting in the tournament over bigger schools like Maryland and Cincinnati. Now they're both acting like...well, like they agreed with the committee all along. The thing that makes me mad is that the other announcers are letting them get away with this. Where's the gentile but passive-agressive razzing?
  • Here's a Nantz quote from last week: "obviously, all the intensity and the close examination and scrutiny of what they (the selection committee) did has created a heightened awareness of what our position was(that Bradley and George Mason didn't belong in the tournament), what they did. They should feel very vindicated today and I'm happy for them." Packer, regarding the criticism leveled at he and Nantz because they were wrong: "But I think it's in a way a compliment and in a way to me very comical to think that those two or three minutes and two questions could be such a giant issue when it's about the guys playing the game anyway. So I take it with a grain of salt and find it rather funny and amusing." Yeah, I'm glad you do, Billy, cuz we don't.
  • I just want them to say they were wrong. Just say it, Nantz and Packer. Admit your logic was flawed. Explain that your data wasn't complete. Tell me something that makes me think you're actual men, rather than the PR-obsessed mice you appear to be right now. If everybody makes mistakes, how come people on TV can never admit theirs?
  • Paging a big-time player -- any big-time player -- to show up in a big game. Let's see: J.J. Redick? 3 for 100 in their loss to LSU. Adam Morrison? Looked lost against Washington, especially at the end. Tyler Hainsbrough or whatever his name is? George Masoned. The entire Connecticut team? George Masoned. Everybody on Memphis? Played like they'd never seen good defense before. Allan Ray? 3 for 100 against Florida. Dee Brown and James Augustine? Nothing without Luther Head. LaMarcus Aldridge? Not so tough when he's not playing against midgets.
  • The good players still left, and therefore the ones who have shown up in big games: Big Baby and that Tyson Thompson from LSU who's everywhere at once; That skinny UCLA Center and that kid that looks like a Ferengi -- Farmar?; That fat guy on George Mason, and Tony Skinn, who is memorable mostly for his name and the fact that he punched somebody from Hofstra in the groin; The girl-guy, Joakim Noah, on Florida's team. Who would have thought that the all-tournament team would be Big Baby, a Ferengi, a fat guy, the groinpuncher, and a girl-guy? March Madness indeed.
  • I'd like to thank Marquette, Wisconsin, and UWM for showing up and having a cup of coffee at the tournament this year. I'd also like to thank Wisconsin for losing to North Dakota State at home earlier this year, as long as we're talking about their failure. Better luck next year. For real.