This is Epth Nation

Epth is a state of mind, not a place. Reading this will give you a virtual drivers license in that state, but you'll still need to be 21 to purchase alcohol. And you can't get any there anyway, so stop asking.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Music and Self Loathing: They Go Hand in Hand

I just heard "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" by Smashing Pumpkins, and I stand by what I said when it first came out -- the first line is good but it goes downhill extremely fast, so that by the time you get to the chorus of "Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage", it's unlistenable. Some dude on VH1 was talking about that song on one of their "100 Best" shows, about how it's great because of that chorus. I've always thought, "Maybe instead of despite it should be because of, like they put you in jail because you couldn't play well with others, and kept rubbing your bald head on them, Billy." And that doesn't make you a rat, just a weirdo.

The naked truth is I'm attacking the song simply because I hate the dude's voice.

One thing I've noticed about myself, at least in the myself I get reflected back to me from other people, is that I have no musical taste. It's a conclusion I've come to after years of trying to tell people that, for example, Lipps, Inc. is better than Springsteen. Now, I know Springsteen probably has more talent, but he's so boring. And he can't sing, not even a bit. And while I intellectually understand that Funkytown is less a song than a computer program with a girl singing over it, somehow it moves me more than that snoozer blowhard talking about how he and some girl were Born to Run. I'd rather move to Funkytown than Nebraska any day.

Now, the Springsteen fan reads that and thinks what -- this guy has no musical taste...Springsteen's the Boss, even if he can't sing...What's he talking about? Funkytown? I thought that was Pseudo Echo. See what I mean? Reflected back to me is all this vitriol, from practically everyone. Now you know why I don't review music. I mean, who would think that Lipps, Inc. better than Bruce Springsteen? Is there anybody else out there like me? C'mon people, let me hear from you.

By the way, the best line ever about Springsteen comes from one of my high school friends either Steve or Brad, I don't remember which):

Tunnel of Love? How about Tunnel of Crap!

Moving on, from Netflix I received Pink Floyd: Live in Pompeii and it's good only because of the music and the barely concealed hostility displayed between band members*. Even in 1971, it's evident that they didn't like each other. Great music, though. Echoes (the song) is a bit much, but it was great to see them play "One of these Days".

Interspersed between the "concert" footage (really not a concert -- there are no fans, it's just the band and their equipment among the ruins) are interviews with the various band members, at which point it's difficult not to think of Spinal Tap or The Office, because they're in close-up in a documentary and they're British. But its not as funny, unless you think a CGI Pompeii being destroyed by CGI lava while the Pink Floyd play in the background is unintentionally funny. Which it definitely is. But if you like pre-Dark Side Floyd, check it out.

*During filming the band was doing mixing for Dark Side of the Moon, which Waters and Gilmour had a famous dispute about. Waters thought it should be mixed less "liquidy" and more tight, for lack of a better word. If you've ever heard Dark Side, you know who won that battle. It's liquid as hell. That's one of the things that makes it great. The album went on to be one of the biggest selling albums in history, but if you ask Waters about it he still thinks he was right. He still thinks it should have been mixed his way -- he can't let it go! Think he may have been a difficult guy to deal with?

Friday, September 10, 2004

Real World off the Top of My Head, Plus...

The newest season of MTV's The Real World (Real World: Philadelphia) started on Tuesday. It has become a show I hate -- and I use that word on purpose, knowing how strong it is -- but I can't help but watch. It's a train wreck, or should I say that the cast is a train wreck. They crash and burn, and seem to get more shallow/insane/homogeneous every year. Seriously, in the 6 seasons I've been watching, including the current Philadelphia, there has not been one cast member that the world would consider "unattractive". Not one. Plus, all of them seem to binge drink, be up for a par-tay every night, and practice moral equivocation like Tiger practices his short game.

Part of the problem is me growing older while the ages of the Real Worlders stay the same. They seem so stupid. I don't remember me or anyone around me being that stupid when they were 19-23. I mean, I'm not naive, but what's up with the partying every night? If left to their own devices, do young attractive people all devolve into sluts? And I don't just mean the girls, either. These people seem to get their whole view of male-female relationships from a combination of Cinemax movies and, well, previous seasons of The Real World. By that I mean, everybody's looking for sex all the time, as long as everybody else is up for it. And that's an overgeneralization, but just barely -- Even the ones that don't have sex on camera "hook up" with other people that the audience never get to meet (see: Jacquese and Jamie in San Diego last year). I thought I heard the opening say that these people were supposed to be from diverse backgrounds. Chemically impaired Frat Guy from Tennessee and Insane Sexaholic from Florida and Really Gay Guy from New York may seem like different people, but they're more the same than different. If you put all of their personal characteristics in a ven diagram, there would be a lot of overlap, let me tell you.

Where are all the moral youngsters I keep reading about? Do they not exist? At least work in some non-hedonists, or at the very least some non-narcissistic hedonists.

But you better believe I'm watching next week. There just HAS to be a train wreck.

Sports Ignorant Blog Grand Opening

I've decided to separate the sports from the rest, as much as the idea of keeping 2 blogs makes me nervous.

The site: Sports Ignorant

TV Last Night

I saw the premiere (which is a strange looking word) of Joey!*, the new Friends spin-off, last night. It's a fairly standard (read: unoriginal) sitcom, but probably the most accurate way to assess it is to say that people who like Friends will probably like Joey!. It seems to have been written by the same hit-or-miss hacks.

The problem with the show is Joey himself, who was the Friends character (besides maybe Monica) most dependent on the other "Friends" for meaning. Take him out of that show, and all of a sudden he makes no sense, somehow. What's the use having a Joey if there's no Chandler to make fun of him? That's what I'm saying.

Joey! also stars Some Dude as Joey's nephew that moves in with him, and Some Girl as Joey's married corporate scum blonde neighbor who Joey thinks is hot but isn't so. Joey's wacky agent is played by the "Me, too" girl from the movie A Mighty Wind. Only like 3 people in the world would get that reference, my wife and I being 2. To the other one, if you're out there -- comment on this, and we can get together and go bowling.

The current standard of trashy-hot, Drea De Matteo("Deadrianna" from The Sopranos), stars as Joey's wacky boobified hairdresser sister. Didn't he have like 12 sisters on Friends? Where are the others? And how sad is it that I've probably seen every episode of Friends, many at least 5 times? I don't even like that show. Channel-flipping is ruining my life. I need set my TV to the History Channel, and just stay there. I wonder what kind of person you would turn into if you kept watching one particular channel constantly. Would your brain be totally warped? Here are some possibilities of what you would become:

MTV: Sex-obsessed liberal moral relativist, or a total hoochie.
Fox News: Obsessed with how liberal or conservative a station is. Also obsessed with lip gloss.
CNN: Obsessed with like 4 national news stories every day...unaware of any others.
History-Channel: Know-it-all history weenie or conspiracy theorist.
NBC: Obsessed with Law and Order
CBS: Obsessed with Crime Scene Investigation
ABC: Obsessed with ugly wacky jerky guys who are inexplicibly married to hot women.
Fox: Obsessed with the lowest common denominator, paranoid that all animals are primed to attack at any moment.
UPN: You would, after 3 days, look down and realize that you have actually become black.
WB: You would, after 3 days, look down and realize that you had actually become a stupid teenager.
Spike TV: After watching Star Trek followed by Boob Bouncey Hour, you would be a letcherous nerd. Who loves James Bond.
Lifetime: Man-hater who thinks all husbands are abusive. Also a WNBA fan.
TLC: Obsessed with improving other people's homes without them knowing.
Animal Planet: PETA member, animal anthropomorphizer.
ESPN: Obsessed with hip ways to refer to things...can only watch sports highlights, not the sports themselves.
Disney: Think all teens are whip-smart, beautiful, and precocious.
Nickelodeon: By day, you would regress to toddler-hood, with the gaga googoo and all night, you would be obsessed with the 60's and 70's.
CNN Headline News: Obsessed with make-up and hair helmets.

That's all I got, for know. Soon will be the Fall TV Preview! Shows that will last 3 weeks and then be cancelled! I can't wait!

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Testing picture posting

This is a test of the Hello! system for posting pictures. Let's see if it works.

Everyone in this land hates us Posted by Hello

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Netflix Diary -- Heart of Glass

Heart of Glass
(You are getting sleeeeepy.)
(In the most harsh-sounding language ever, Hars aus Glas)
(No! I'll talk! Just Put Away that Hurdy-Gurdy!)

It is one thing for a film to be interesting, and quite another to be good. Those are 2 completely separate concepts, often having nothing to do with each other. I mention this because this peculiar film was made almost completely with actors under hypnosis. That's right, they're all hyp-mo-tized. Now, does this sound like an interesting movie? Yes, of course -- especially with Werner Herzog directing. But does it sound like a good movie? Ahh...not exactly.

And so it goes...another filmed experiment light on plot but heavy on people staring straight ahead. Did I say another? I meant one. This is a totally unique movie, for one big reason -- I can't see anyone but Herzog wanting to make a movie like this. You would need a director with a vast and unhealthy interest in hypnosis, for one thing. How many of those are there? And how many directors would dare to make a movie this slow? Well, Gus Van Sant would...and David Lynch...but who else[1]?

Now, this is not to say that it's a bad movie, or a waste of everyone's time, or a ridiculous vanity project. Herzog comes close to all 3 of those at times, but he's so good that the experiment by and large works, and you come away from the movie affected in the ways he wants you to be (or the ways I suspect he wants you to be). Driving the story mostly with abstract ideas rather than concrete plot, it hypnotizes the audience (sort of) and brings them along for the ride. That the ride doesn't really go anywhere but to the town's gradual destruction is a moot point. The point of a journey is not to arrive, lame-o[2].

The film starts out with 2 minutes of cows in blue-o-vision (which has become popular in the days since this film's release in 1976), and a man we'll call Sitting Man sits and watches them. Sitting Man has a name, but that's not important right now. Werner Herzog's favorite music group[3] "Popul Vuh" plays all Pink-Floydy as the Sitting Man watches overblue scenery like rushing water (clouds?) with painted scenery in the background and foreground[4]. In time the plaintive strains of Popul Vuh change from Floyd to a more atmospheric version of 38 Special, finally settling on mid-70's Yes-like art-rock feel. This all takes 7:45, and Herzog mentions on the commentary track that it's meant to get the audience into a hypnotic trance of sorts, with the original idea being that Herzog would come out in front of the screen with a pocket watch and tell people that they're getting sleeeeepy -- listen to the commentary track if you don't believe this -- but he deemed this use of mass hypnosis too irresponsible. What he meant to say was silly. Too silly.

The pleasant scenery/Yes concert ends and 4 men come to Sitting Man, whose real name is Hias (I kept wanting to call him Len Hias[5]). They tell him that they have seen "giants" coming toward the city (which I don't know the name of but it's the main city in the film. From now on, it will be known as "the City"). The last guy to speak, who looks stupider than the others, says, "He is sucking out our brains". Not "he will suck out our brains", or, "he has sucked out my brain", but "he is..." It's weird, because with all of them hypnotized and staring straight ahead, you believe him. Even though there are no giants, there is certainly sucking going on. I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. It was calling out to me, hypnotizing me.

Hias (portrayed by the only non-entranced actor in the movie) then shows us his power, which is telling the future. He prophesys that 2 men will walk over this one bridge, and they do. Ooo dang[6]. And this conversation, like all conversations in the movie, is in German. What a ridiculous language. It should be disbanded for the umlauts alone. I mean, it's all gerbenflue[7]ben this and gemuetlikite that. Don't get me wrong -- I come from German ancestry. I love the German culture, but that language sounds like the precursor to vomiting. Getting past that is a hurdle no recapper should have to face, but I jumped it anyway because I have really huge quad muscles, mentally speaking.

So, these 2 dudes (probably from Nose City[8], if you get my drift) are sitting in a dark bar, with only a spotlight on the 2 of them and their beers. They are fighting, but it takes you a while to realize it because being entranced and emoting cannot peacefully coexist in the same human. Which is to say, they are just staring straight ahead and ponderously threatening each other. It doesn't even seem like a fight -- they're just talking about who would die if So-and-So fell and Nose Guy fell on top of him. It's something we find out later, rather humorously. But it makes no sense yet.

Cut to Old Man Giggle, who is giggling as he reveals the main plot engine of the film -- "Muehlbeck[9] is dead and no one knows the secret of the Ruby glass." Apparently this Mule dude died and didn't let anyone know how to make the one thing that was keeping the town from going bankrupt. That nobody thought to ask him would be a plot problem, if everyone in the town weren't staring straight ahead like mental patients incapable of independent thought.

Of course, the fact that the Ruby glass is no longer able to be produced is the thing that's causing the town's malaise, or so Herzog implies. The people are a superstitious, mystical people who believe in brain-eating giants, so it's not clear if the problem is psychological (all in their heads) or real (spiritual). Hey I've got a game...2 guesses on what the glass is supposed to represent. No clue? Hint: look at the film's title. you've got it. Clearly this is a crisis of heart, which (metaphysical theories on the soul aside) Herzog associates with being in full control of one's faculties, i.e. not hyp-mo-tized. The only person with heart in the film is Hias, and he is the one who sees the future while the others go on living life like they have always done despite the fact that the Ruby glass is gone. They have no heart -- they are husks, like the glass itself. Thus, "hars aus glas".[10]

Ok, with that confusing and probably wrong film-theory crap out of the way, we can get on to the fun stuff -- the weird stuff. First of all, there is ugly Ruby glass everywhere, in every house, on every table. Clearly, the town has had an abundance of the stuff the past few years. Again, nobody thought to ask Muehlbeck how to make it?

Nose Guy smashes his beer mug over So-and-So's head. He just stares at him[11]. See? This was a fight. A hypno-fight, no less.

At this point I realized that it's easy to space out and miss stuff (maybe I too was entranced) -- I almost didn't see the gigantic book that Old Man Giggle's servant, a man we'll call LMFAP[12] (because he looks like the dancing dwarf from "Twin Peaks"), was closing as we meet the second main character in the movie. He's Old Man Giggle's son, and he is hypno-pissed that nobody knows the secret of the Ruby glass. He comes close to actual emotion as he's talking about it, in fact. He's the nut[13] of the film. Here's his thought progression...

  1. Gugl (not the search engine, a glass maker) thinks he has the secret of the Ruby glass!
  2. He doesn't. Well, lets get that prophet Hias in here to read the dead man's brain. He has the ability to do that, right?
  3. He doesn't. Well, I'll have to tear up Muhlbeck's possessions on the off chance he just misplaced it in the couch cushions.
  4. Well, that didn't work. I'd better have the couch sent back, and while I'm at it turn the river waters red. Let's destroy all the glass we have left in the river!
  5. Ok, they people I sent to the river just kept the glass and plan on hocking it. Clearly, I've been going about this all wrong. The "Ruby" part of the glass must be made with human blood. Time to kill a girl and make up a ritual for it off the top of my head.
  6. Ok, that made me feel bad. I'll burn down the factory! That'll make me feel better!

See what I mean? Nut job. That 6-point plan takes up probably half of the movie, as Son of Giggle contemplates things, holds his head, and acts really sleepy but also really crazy. It's the kind of thing you can only do when you're hypnotized. So, that experiment, at least, was a hill-resounding success. Congrats, Werner, you've come up with the first sedate psychopath.[14]

The other half of the film deals with Hias and his prophesying to the people, and their ignoring him and staring straight ahead. Some of the more memorable characters are:

  • Nose Guy and So-and-So, who fall one on top of the other and Hias predicts that the one on top will still be alive, the other dead. The problem is, they both appear dead. Only a literally rousing game of "dog vs. pitchfork"(and I mean that exactly like it sounds. Seriously, rent the movie just for that won't be disappointed) can wake up the top guy, who happens to be Nose Guy.
  • Man/Woman, so named because you see her mother(?) try to get her out of bed in the morning, and you can only see her bare butt while she's lying on her stomach, and she has man hair -- really short -- and a man-like cartoonish face(she actually looks like Robert Blake in Lost Highway[15]), and so you assume it's a dude. But then she gets up and she has these gigantic boobs. So she's the Man who turns to woman, or Man/Woman. She's a member of the Muehlbeck clan whose couch is taken away by Son of Giggle. She also finds the "bodies" of Nose Guy and So-and-So, and screams exactly once. It's creepy. She also is a part of the big finale, but we'll get to that later.
  • The UnderActor, who said the thing about the giants sucking out his brain, and later on says, "The sun is hurting me.[16]"
  • Ludmilla, an attractive[17] servant of Old Man Giggle who Hias tells basically to get out of the city while she still can but of course she ignores him and she ends up playing the part of the Girl in the Son of Giggle's Ruby-blood harvesting "Kill the Girl" ritual.
  • Hurdy-Gurdy Player, who plays this authentic instrument from like the middle ages called the Hurdy-Gurdy, which sounds rather like a yak being strangled. Or a comination kazoo/table saw. Worst instrument ever, hands down. Banging a cat against a door would be more melodic. And the Player's strangled German voice doesn't help things, either.
  • Straight Flush Guy, who carries his cards fanned out in his hand at all times even though he's not really playing cards with anyone.

So it comes out (when Gugl thinks he knows the secret) that the old man has been sitting -- as in, occupying the same seated position in the same chair -- for 12 years. No wonder he's giggle-crazy. He takes delight in Gugl's failure, much as we all took delight in the failure of Google's IPO[18]. He eventually gets up at the end of the film to watch his glass factory burn down, giggling all the way. He's refreshing. He's like the anti-Microsoft. We need more hypnotized executives that hate their own companies in this world. There would be no need for unions.

So, midway through the film the prophecies of Hias take center stage as a counterpoint to the madness of the Son of Giggler, and he predicts: the factory will burn down, Ludmilla will die, a volcano will erupt, World Wars I and II[19], and a bunch of other apocalyptic stuff. Right after he talks about what seems to be a volcano, the film goes back into the hypnotic blue terrain of the beginning, complete with fake Yes. But now the terrain changes to more geyser-like, more yellow. The music changes to what we find out later is authentic middle ages music. What it sounds like is a combination of "Dueling Banjos" and opera[20]. I didn't realize banjos were so popular back then.

Hias anticipates Son of Giggler's calling him to read Muehlbeck's brain, and he shows up and tells the crazy man he probably won't be able to do it. Then starts the slow finish of the film, where Hias sits in this bar in the town for like ever and the Hurdy Gurdy player cames to him and ruins my life with a crappy song. Straight Flush Guy is there. Nose Guy says he misses So-and-So, and as he is going on about the dead guy Man/Woman comes into view from the right side of the screen holding a duck. I don't know if the duck is also hypnotized, but it isn't doing any flapping or squawking like a normal duck would if it was being held by a total freak. She stares at Nose Guy[21], and a hand comes onscreen from behind Man/Woman, index finger pointing downward. The finger reaches the top of her/his head, and she/he spins around using the finger as an axis and goes out of the frame. It's the weirdest moment in an already weird movie. I had to rewind that -- did a finger really spin her out of the scene? Was she really holding a duck?

Anyway, Nose Guy comes back with So-and-So's corpse and starts ballroom dancing with it, the men somehow convince still-with-duck Man/Woman to get up on the table and dance naked[22], the Hurdy-Gurdy takes some more years off the life of my eardrums, and there's a general sense of craziness in the air. It's about this time that Son of Giggler kills Ludmilla with some help from the LMFAP, who locks the poor girl in the room with the madman[23]. And then he stands there listening to this one dude play the harp as a painting of Luther falls off the wall (Apparently the harp is great music to kill by, according to Son of Giggler). Of course, when the factory is burning down, the creepy LMFAP comes into the bar and yells, "Ludmilla", not like in a covering-his-butt kind of way, but more like he doesn't remember being an accessory to her murder. It's weird, and you realize that the LMFAP is as crazy as the Son of Giggler.

I guess I should mention that when Hias prophesys, his eyes glaze over and start blinking. On second thought, strike that. It's not important. Also, there's a part near the end where a bunch of glass blowers blow glass, and the movie suddenly feels like an instructional video on glass blowing[24]. At one point somebody makes a glass horse. Ahh, the simple beauty of the pointless knick-knack.

The factory burns down and the townspeople blame Hias, because he predicted it. Actually, they throw both the culprit (Son of Giggler) and the prophet (Hias) in the same enormous subterranean jail cell. 2 and only 2 things of note happen in that cell: We learn that Hias can't prophesy when he's not out in nature (which is why he sits and watches cows all day), and the Son of Giggler tells Hias he likes him because he has a "Heart of Glass." This poignant moment is completely lost on the audience, whose brains have been battered into a rudimentary hypno-paste by weirdness for the better part of the previous hour. Why was she carrying a duck anyway? What does this all mean?

Hias gets out of jail[25] and wrestles an invisible bear[26] he meets in a cave. He kills and cooks (!) that invisible bear (in a scene reminiscent of watching an actor fight a CGI monster before the CGI is put in), and prophesys all sorts of crazy stuff about the end of the world. Now, you might think that's how the movie ends, but you would be wrong. It ends like this...

A man who looks like Abe Lincoln live on a rock in the middle of nowhere, basically, and he stares out to sea, convinced that the earth is flat and the sea must end somewhere. He gets some buddies up there to stare with him and they eventually decide to try to row to the end of the world. The "dueling banjos meets opera" musical group plays at their big send-off, and the 5 men sail off to their doom. Some nearby seagulls go out by the boat and flap around. A message appears onscreen that says, "The men took the birds as a good sign..." and left it at that. In reality, we know that the birds were waiting for them to die, so they could eat them. So, it's like the gradual destruction of this glass town wasn't depressing enough -- we needed more hopelessness and death. But hey, the shot of the island of birds going nuts at the end is really, you know, top-notch.

The film is an interesting experiment, but ultimately falls victim to its own hypnotic pacing and Keanuized actors. I reccommend it only if you like weird movies with no real purpose. Now, when I snap my fingers you will wake up with no recollection of this movie, especially the dude with the huge boobs carrying the sedated duck.


[1] Well, ok, a lot of directors would, but they wouldn’t combine it with a bunch of people in the background just creepily staring into air. That’s what makes the movie unique.

[2] Copyright long time ago, William Shakespeare or whoever. Re-registered 1986, N. Peart.

[3] As evidenced by his use of them for like every movie he’s done. They’re kind of an orchestratic pop/rock band, with a wide variety of instruments. They’re like the Polyphonic spree on valium without the OverSinger or any real melody.

[4] It’s blotchy blue/green scenery, creating an almost apocalyptic effect, which goes with Siting Man’s narration about the end of the world.

[5] After Len Bias, late basketball player for the U of Maryland, whose death probably saved the world from another 3 Celtic championships.

[6] At first I was thinking that a main issue of the movie would be whether or not Hias was full of crap. It turns out he’s about the only thing in the movie we CAN count on.

[7] I don’t feel like inserting the umlauted characters in, so I have added the traditional “e” after the vowel sound to indicate the two dots. Oh, what the hell: ü.

[8] Copyright 1979(?), Python (Monty).

[9] See footnote 7, actually Mühlbeck.

[10] I am certain, after reading this paragraph 3 times, that it makes absolutely no sense. I left it in because I really like it, especially the word “husks”.

[11] How dumb am I that at this point I still didn’t figure out that the two guys were hypno-fighting? I only realized it when they turned up dead/pseudodead.

[12] Little Man From Another Place. D. Lynch came up with the name, came up with the acronym.

[13] Which is really saying something.

[14] The second probably being Hannibal Lecter, but I haven’t really thought it through.

[15] The so-called “Mystery Man”, or “MM” in

[16] Ok, I must admit I’m doing this recap 2 weeks after seeing the thing, and I don’t remember who said the phrase. I think it was this dude, though. The quote was all alone in my notes, just sitting there.

[17] The only attractive girl, in fact, in the entire town. Talk about dyadic power.

[18] Sorry, too timely. But I couldn’t resist. It’s the hypnotism again.

[19] Or at least it seemed like it. It was a little vague. Not Nostradamus-level vague (Hister and so on), but not real specific. Which is funny, because this movie was made in 1976.

[20] I know that sounds crazy, but it’s true, I swear.

[21] Like, right up in his face. She just walks up to him and looks at him. It’s weird, I tell you.

[22] A cynical man might suggest that Herzog has her naked in two separate scenes because she has enormous jugs. Nobody else gets naked in the movie.

[23] That’s a weird scene, too – Son of Giggler gets a harpist to play in the background, and LMFAP locks the door as Ludmilla runs to it. I thought for a second that LMFAP was actually locking him in, away from her. But she dies, so I guess I was wrong.

[24] Really, more like one of those bits on “Sesame Street” where they show 70’s footage of a bunch of workers doing a particular job. In this case, glass-blowing, obviously.

[25] Presumably because he’s not guilty of anything, although that’s never expressed.

[26] That’s right, an invisible bear.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

Sports Ignorant -- Super Fun NFL Predictions

Not-so-fearless NFL predictions 2004-5

Look, I don't know any more about football than you do, and these predictions are going to be wrong. I have to make my ignorant sports opinion voice heard though. When the NBA comes around, I will have confidence in those predictions. But these are just shots in the dark, hitting nothing I want them too, but possibly killing a stray dog. Here goes nothing, and fido watch out:


New England It Girls 12-4

NY Football Jets 8-8

(Welcome to) Miami Dolphins 8-8

Beefalo 8-8

I suppose I should mention right off the bat that in the age of parity, every team defaults to 8-8 in my book. They need something to propel them up or down if I am to give them a different record. New England had a great season, and won a bunch in a row. But it's a long season, and how well they do will depend on how well they react to losses. Obviously, I think they will handle them quite well. Miami's probably better than 8-8 talent-wise, but they are mentally fragile after losing Ricky Weed and their coach sucks. The Jets will get to 8-8 so that they don't get killed by NY people. Pennington will get hurt again. Beefalo, well, they just default to 8-8 because I don't know what to do with them.


Baldamore 11-5

Pittsburgh 10-6

Cincinnati 6-10

Cleveland 6-10

Cleveland stinks. They got no talent. Baldamore wants to win the Super Bowl now, before Ray Lewis kills another guy, and they have built a team around that premise, except for the QB. They will ultimately fail, but have a go at it. Pittburgh will be good on Cowher Power only. Cincinnati is always bad until further notice.


Tennessee 11-5

Indianapolis 11-5

Stun Gun South 6-10

Jacksonville 5-11

2 good, 2 bad. Houston has too many suckas at key positions and Jacksonville is still reeling from losing Brunell. Indianapolis will fight Tennessee for the hearts and souls of this division. Manning vs.


Kansas Seetee 10-6

The 'Ver 9-7

Oakland 5-11

San Diego 5-11

Yeah, Sand Diego has nothing going for them, and hasn't since they benched that midget Doug Flutie. Oakland is still doing penance for all their complaining over the tuck rule. KC will edge out the 'Ver because KC has the great Offense.


Dallas Cowgirls 9-7

Washington 9-7

Philadelphia 9-7

NY Football Giants 4-12

Kurt Warner at QB with this offensive line is the worst idea I've personally ever heard. That's why the Giants will be bad. Looks like 9-7 will be enough to win the division, or at least tie. Parcells will get his less talented players to tie the enigmatic Redskins and the suddenly cornerback-less Eagles. Seriously, has any team relied on their corners more than the Eagles in recent years? And now their gone. They are due for a fall.


Green Bay 12-4

Tinkledomers 12-4

Detroit 6-10

Mice of the Midway 2-14

To choose between Green Bay and Minnesota is absurd, without seeing how their defenses hold up. These are the 2 best offenses in the NFL though. We just don't know – will Minnesota and Green Bay recover from their respective massive choke jobs last year? We do know, however, that Chicago will suck and that Detroit will still be Detroit, all cute and cuddly and mediocre.


Lina Beans 12-4

Tampa Bay 8-8

Atlanta 8-8

Who Dat Gonna Suck 7-9

I believe in Carolina, who may or may not have people gunning for them this year. I mean, who really fears them anyway? They will be solid again this year, week-in and week-out. Tampa has exhausted this team, they need to bring in a new one. Atlanta has more problems than just Vick getting hurt again, and New Orleans are a bunch of knuckleheads that will fail. That is all.


Grunge 12-4

St. Jewish 8-8

San Fran 5-11

The Zona 3-13

Seattle is the only real team here, what with St. Louis' empire crumbling and San Fran's already having crumbled, and Arizona being the worst collection of NFL football players since the scabs ruled. But hey, feel free to beat Minnesota any time, red friends.


KC over Indy

Tennessee over Pitt

Tennessee over Baldamore

NE over KC

Tennessee over NE, because NE just can't get there again, can they?

Green Bay over Washington

Minnesota over Dallas

Green Bay over Seattle

Carolina over Minnesota

Green Bay over Carolina, because I'm a ridiculous homer.


Green Bay over Tennesee, Miller over Bud, Lack of Nipples over Nipples.

8 1/2: See it now!

See 8 1/2, please, if you know what's good for you. Yes, it's subtitled; yes, it's a little strange; but give it a chance and I promise you will laugh. It's funny. And interesting. And good. Just see it.